How would you define "whining"? Do you know
adults or kids who whine from time to time? Do
you? All adults and kids have daily
discomforts, disappointments, anxieties, and
frustrations. "Well adjusted" people accept
them and maintain a sense of humor as they seek
to reduce their problems. Other people gripe,
grouse, complain, moan, and whine.
Pessimists
assume the worst will happen in unclear or risky
situations. Cynics and
skeptics tend to see the worst motives
and traits in people or groups, and/or little
benefits to proposed changes. Whiners
focus on their discomforts and how unfair life
is to them. They often choose a "poor me"
attitude despite their various gifts, freedoms,
and opportunities. Their mantras are "I can't
help it!", "I have no choices!", "Yes, but...";
and "I did everything I could, but..." They may
seek sympathy, not solutions or growth.
Chronic
whiners may annoy you for several reasons:
-
it's hard to
respect an able person who avoids owning
their limits and responsibility for filling
their own needs;
-
it's hard to be
patient with someone who asks us to listen
to their endless complaints, and shows no
interest in ours;
-
it's hard to be
cheerful around someone who needs to bemoan
their circumstances all the time;
-
it's challenging
to relate to someone who assumes a 1-down
victim or martyr role "too often," despite
encouragements and opportunities.
Have you met anyone who whines "too much"? If
so, how do you respond? Avoid them? Tolerate
them? Repress your feelings? Impatience? Scorn?
Pity? Amusement? Frustration? Irritation?
Criticism? Something else? How do you feel
about yourself when you interact with them?
Why Do People Whine?
Your response
to a whiner may shift if you understand why
they need to do that. I propose that most or
all of us have
composed of talented
like members of an orchestra or sports team. One
subself is very talented at leading the others
effectively, like an expert coach or conductor.
When our "true Self"
our other subselves, we make wise, healthy
decisions and relate to other people well in
most situations.
When other subselves distrust this inner leader,
they can
and "take over" our personality. They can be
called a ''false self,'' and can cause
characteristic
behaviors. Each subself means well, and
brings one or more unique talents or traits to
the host person. Common subselves include a
a
a
a
a
a
and - a
If any of these subselves
the Self (capital "S") and rule the personality,
they cause characteristic traits - including whining.
From this point of view,
excessively or
habitually
"negative" people can't help being the
way they are, until they commit to
their resident true Self to
in this nonprofit Web site explains this in more
detail and offers a practical way to do it.
If this theory is true, "overly-negative" people
- including whiners - deserve compassion, not
criticism or scorn. This does not mean
you have to passively endure their annoying
behaviors! Lets look at some...
Response Options
-
Use
skill to notice someone whose whining annoys
you "significantly."
-
Remind
yourself of the definition of an
and on response
until
they're automatic;
-
Notice how you
feel around this person, specifically -
Irritated? Impatient? Bored? Amused?
Superior? Pity? Compassion? Anxious?
Sympathetic? Detached? Concerned? Something
else?
Your feelings point to what you
need.
-
Review these
ideas on
relationship triangles, and keep
your
personal boundaries clear. Avoid trying to
rescue, fix, or "save" (take responsibility
for) the whiner;
-
Stay clear on
the difference between the person and their
behavior (whining).
-
If you decide to
say something to the person, identify what
you need - To vent? Learn? Hint? Persuade?
Confront? "Be nice"? Remind? Problem-solve?
Help the person? Set or enforce a boundary?
Something else?
-
Depending on
what you need, try respectful responses like
these at an appropriate time:
"(Name),
are you open to some personal feedback?"
If you get "No," you have a
different
problem.
"When you focus
on your troubles so often, I have a hard
time listening to you."
"Are you aware
of how often you complain / whine / moan ?"
"What blocks you
from improving or resolving this situation?"
"Does the
work for you?"
(If s/he doesn't know
the Prayer, recite it.)
"Would you say
you're a 'glass-half-full' person, or
'half-empty'?"
"Are you aware
of how often you say 'yes, but...'?"
"(Name), what do
you need from me right now?"
"Are you aware
of where you're focused right now?"
"When you need
to repeat
yourself so often, I tune you out."
"Who do you feel
is responsible for solving your problem/s?"
"Are you aware
of how often you say 'I can't _______'?"
"What do you see
your options to be in this situation?"
"Can you tell me
what you're afraid of?"
"So what would
make you feel better?"
"(Name), when I
experience you as whining, I feel ______
(and I need _______ )."
"How does
whining and moaning help you?"
"I encourage you
to think of your options, rather than on
'how bad it is'."
"I'm weary of
listening to you complain, (Name). [If you
continue, I'm going to (do something
specific)]."
"Who's using
your vocal cords now - a false self or your
true Self?"
Notice the theme of these responses (clear,
brief, direct, honest, and respectful), and
adapt it to fit your communication
Also notice the responses
that aren't included - like
these:
Responses
to Avoid
"You're about as fun as a last week's
road-kill."
(Shaming comparison)
"Get a life, will you?"
(Shaming judgment)
"(Name), you really need to see a
shrink."
(Inference: "You're sick /
crazy / 1-down.")
"Hey - how's the Queen of Doom and
Gloom today?"
(Put-down cloaked in
humor)
"Well, what's your list of complaints
today?"
(Sarcastic put-down)
"Whine, whine, whine!"
(Shaming put-down, vs. problem-solving)
"I was in a good mood before you
started complaining again."
(Blameful 'You' statement.)
Most people would receive responses like these
as disrespectful criticisms or inferences. They
would probably increase a whiner's list
of troubles and degrade the relationship.
Bottom line: if you must live or work with someone
who whines "too much,"
you have many
effective options for responding to them.
Try
responses like these and see if you get your
needs met!
The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/whiner.htm