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Updated
12-28-2014
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This article is one of a
series
describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts.
The article summarizes seven learnable communication skills that are essential for building high-nurturance
relationships and preventing and resolving
personal and social conflicts effectively.
Reading will
not make you a more effective communicator.
If you patiently practice the ideas in this Lesson you will
significantly improve your communication outcomes in all situations.
Learn
something about yourself with this 1-question anonymous poll.
To gauge your knowledge of communication basics,
try this
quiz and return here.
I've studied
thinking and communications skills for
over 40 years, and have taught scores of lay and business classes and workshops
on those topics. I estimate that
under 5%
of the 1,000+ adult therapy clients and students
I've worked with knew how to communicate and problem-solve effectively.
Their childhood caregivers and teachers probably didn't either. This
ignorance is part of the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle that silently stresses most American families (like yours?).
Contents
14 premises about
effective communication;
An overview
of seven powerful communication skills
you were probably never taught; and...
This article assumes you're
familiar with the intro to this
nonprofit Web site, the premises
underlying it, and self-improvement
Lesson 1
I include
several YouTube videos below in case you're an audio-visual learner.
Premises
Think of someone with whom you consistently communicate(d)
well with. Then think of someone you've had significant
trouble communicating with. Keep these people in mind as you consider
the following ideas. If you disagree with any of these premises, note what you do believe...
Premise 1)Any perceived behavior that
causes a "significant" mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reaction in
another person (in someone's opinion) is "communication." Our English verb "to communicate" comes
from the Latin verb communicare,
which meant “to share.”
Premise
2) In any
relationship, it's impossible to
not communicate. We unconsciously decode meanings from
silences, withdrawals, phone hang-ups,
and
absences
as much as we do from written, verbal, and non-verbal actions. Think of
this the next time you feel or hear "S/He didn't respond."
Premise 3)We communicate with ourselves
(thinking) and with other people to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to
fill current needs.
Fivekids and adults try to
fill are...
to feel respectedby
yourself and each communication partner,
regardless of age, gender, knowledge, or roles. This need is
constant in all social and solitary situations. And we need...
to give
and/or get information (e.g. "What time will you be home?"); and/or
we need to...
to cause or prevent
action- including changing or maintaining the
psychological "distance" (boundaries) between us and
others. And we communicate...
to vent- i.e. we need to (a) describe
our current thoughts, feelings,
and needs to
another person and to (b) feel understoodand
acceptedby them (vs.
to get "fixed"). And/or we communicate...
to avoid something uncomfortable,
like silence, a
confrontation, a
loss, a disappointment, a criticism,
conflict, boredom, and unpleasant emotions and/or
awarenesses.
These
five needs aim to increase immediate emotional, physical, or spiritual
comfort.
If there are other reasons you communicate with
people, add them. We usually have at least
two of these needs at once,
because the unconscious need for self respect + mutual respectis constant.
This is specially true for shame-based
(psychologically wounded) people.
Our combination of
personal and social needs can vary quickly as our
inner and outer environments change.
Thus
awareness of our respective needs, thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors is the keystone communication skill. Are you usually aware of
why
and how you communicate?
Do you know what to do if your and your partner's
communication needs and
values conflict?
Premise 4)Effective communication happens
when each person involved...
Gets
enough
of their current
primary needs met (by
their definition),...
in a way that leaves them feeling good
enough about
(a) themselves, (b) all others involved, and (c) the processes in and among them.
If you accept this definition, note
two key implications:
in important
exchanges, all people need to be clearly
aware of what each person really needs; and
the odds of two people both achieving these two factors are 1
in 16, or about 6%! Here's why:
Possible Communication Outcomes
primary needs met well enough?
Feeling good enough when we're done?
mine
yours
me
you
yes
no
yes
no
no
yes
no
yes
no
no
no
no
yes
yes
yes
yes
Because definitions of
enough vary by person and circumstance,
definitions of
"effective verbal communications" vary. What you feel is effective
may not match my definition. We both are "right." The definition that
counts is what we both believe right now. What percent of the time would you
say you and your mate, and you and each child in your life, communicate
effectively?How effective are you at communicating with
yourself
(thinking)?
This premise provides a useful way to
judge how effective your communication is in any
situation or relationship. This allows spotting current or habitual
communication
blocks, and using seven
skills to prevent or correct them together.
Premise 5)There
are (at least) six requisites to be an effective communicator
This brief YouTube video outlines them:
Premise 6)Effective
communication may happen when all people's
current needs match well enough- e.g. I need to vent, and you
need to maintain our relationship, and get information about me.
When our
respective communication needs
conflicts, we share a communication
"problem." To make things more interesting, the subselves
ruling each person's
personality may have communication-need conflicts at any moment!
("Part of me wants to hear you clearly, and another part wants to
vent!")
Premise 7)Face
to face, we communicate on three "channels" at
once:
verbal
- spoken
words;
voice dynamics - tone + tempo + inflection +
volume + accent + non-word
sounds; and...
non-verbal - face and body language.
Face
to face, most of the meaning we decode from our partners' behaviors comes through our
(!) Often the least impactful
meaning we exchange comes from our words, but we're taught from childhood to focus on
them the most. How often are you aware of each of these
three channels in important
exchanges? Such awareness allows spotting confusing
double messages.
Recall - we're reviewing 14 basic premises about communication
inside and between people. Have you ever seen premises like these before?
Premise
8)Many communications we send and decode are
unconscious. We "leak" our true feelings and attitudes all the time via tiny
vocal and physical cues, and we may send
conflicting ("double" or "mixed") messages via different channels (e.g.
words: "good to see you!"; Body, face, and tone: "I
don't want to talk to you now.")
Any motivated person (e.g. you) can become more aware of their communication
needs and how
they're communicating. That promotes avoiding, spotting and reducing communication
problems,
and significantly improving outcomes (table above).
Premise 9)We try to get
current communication and
other needs met by exchanging up to
five concurrent messages
on each of our three channels: "Right now, I am (or you are)...
feeling...";
needing...";
thinking...";
doing...";
and
ranking who's needs are most
important.
The last one can be called a
R(espect)-message.I
suggest that it is the most critical of the five. It's usually sent and decoded unconsciously.
Because we all need to feel
respected enough in every relationship and situation,
perceived R-messages control the quality of every
spoken and unspoken communication exchange, including written ones! Do
you agree?
The three possible R-messages are: "Here
and now, you (seem to) value your needs, worth, and dignity...
morethan mine, so you feel
1-up
(superior) and I'm
1-down." The extreme version of this is "You don't exist":;
or your needs are worth..
lessthan mine, so you feel
1-down (inferior) and I'm 1-up"; or you value your needs...
equally with mine
For effective communication, all
people steadily need to receive credible "we're equal" R-messages,
which come from genuine Self-respect and mutual respect. This is most
likely if their respective
true Selves (capital "S")
steadily
guide their
other subselves.
Reality check: think of someone you
have trouble communicating with. What would you say are the average
R-messages each of you perceives from the other? Now answer the same question
about someone you communicate well with. What do you notice?
Incidentally, note that your ruling subselves cause R-messages - so pretending to respect someone
will usually cause a double message and earn their distrust. Have you
experienced that?
Premise 10)Effectivecommunication only happens
when allpeople consistentlyfeel stable self respect and mutual respect Implication:
shame-based (wounded) people often have trouble communicating effectively until they
improve their self-love
and self respect via personal wound-recovery (Lesson 1). This is because theirruling subselves feelworthless and unlovable (inferior), and
often misinterpret respectful communications as attacks, criticisms, and
discounts.
My clinical experience since 1981 is that
well over half
of kids and adults in typical troubled families are
significantly shame-based - and they don't (want to) realize this or what it
means.
Premise 11) The
effectiveness of your communication is directly proportional to the
quality of your thinking - fuzzy and disorganized to
focused and logical. The quality of your
thinking reflects...
which subselves control your personality in
calm and stressful situations,
your
working vocabulary, and...
your self-awareness.
Accepting this premise can motivate you to learn the powerful
communication skills of
awareness and
clear thinking.
Premise 12)Your communication skills and effectiveness
can be improved
over time - any time. Like any skill, this
takes willingness to learn and change + motivation + patience + practice.
"Improving your communication effectiveness"
means getting
your current
primary needs met more often, and helping others do the same.
This promote a more productive, satisfying life - specially if you give
young people the priceless gift of effective communication skills!
Premise 13)Getting the maximum benefits from acting on these communication premises requires that your
true Self consistently
guide
your other
personality subselves. Lesson 1
in this nonprofit site
and its related
guidebook provide perspective,
practical options,
and resources for achieving that over time. Do you know
who controls your life now?
Premise 14)Effective
communicationrequires
shared knowledge,
awarenesses, and
a committed, cooperative attitude and effort among all people involved - so it
is notalways
possible at the moment. This is specially true if one or more
people are ruled by a false self.
Pause and reflect. do these communication premises seem realistic and
credible? How do they compare with your core beliefs? How many average adults
(like your mate, parents, and siblings) do you think could name and
describe even five of these 14 premises? The good news is - anyone can
learn to apply them at any time!
+ + +
Now let's put these premises to work...
Seven Communication Skills
Recall: all animals (including
humans) instinctively
communicate to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current
needs. Can you name a more essential learned skill?
There are seven specific skills you can learn to fill your relationship
needs consistently:
awareness of four "zones"
clear (vs. fuzzy unfocused) thinking
empathic listening
"digging down" (to uncover current primary
needs)
assertion
"metatalk" (talking about how you
communicate), and
win-win problem-solving.
Reflect: who taught you how to communicate? Keep them in mind as you read
this summary - my bet is that they could not name these skills or say when
to use each one. If so - they didn't know how to communicate (get their
needs met)effectively - and probably you don't either.
Skills Outline
Awareness- paying nonjudgmental
attention to specific things going on...
insideus - i.e. our thoughts,
feelings, and our subselves' dynamic needs and behaviors;
between us partners (verbal
and nonverbal dynamics), and...
around us (our environment);
Making this skill automatic (a habit) is
essential for the other six skills to be effective.
Clear thinking- in important communications,
intentionally...
avoiding vague pronouns and phrases
(e.g. it, that, them, this issue, work through, etc),
staying focused, and...
developing and using a clear,
descriptive vocabulary;
Empathic (or
reflective, or active)
listening- briefly saying back what you hear and see, without
judgment.Fluency in this vital skill requires awareness and clear thinking;;
Digging down
below surface needs to identify each partners' current
primary needs.
This requires the three prior skills;
Assertionof our perceptions, opinions, and needs.
This requires the four prior skills + self and mutual respects + a
clear awareness and acceptance of our personal rights. This skill is respectfully...
calmly handling expected "resistances" with empathic
listening and then re-asserting, until we get credible compliance or
shift to problem-solving.
Metatalk -
talking together about howwe communicateusing awareness and a special set of
terms- as
mutually-respectful teammates with a common goal.
The
sixth skill is...
Problem solving (conflict
resolution), which is far more productive (need-fulfilling)
than debating, explaining, arguing,interrogating,
lecturing, preaching, hinting, demanding, analyzing, fighting,
avoiding, generalizing, and withdrawing.
Have you ever seen these vital skills summarized before? Has anyone ever
taught you why, how, and when to use each skill effectively? Could you
describe each skill now to an average pre-teen? Could the other important
adults in your family and life do that, starting with your childhood
caregivers?
Learn something about yourself with
this 1-question
anonymous poll)
Are you modeling and teaching these communication basics and skills to the
young people in your life now? Doing so is a priceless
life-long gift to them and their descendents
When
Do I Use Each Skill?
Learn to use them in these specific social situations:
Use awareness and
clear thinkingin allimportant socialsituations.
Focus on...
whether anyone is
controlled by a false self - starting
with you; and...
your respective
R-messages, attitudes, and
primary needs, and
be aware of...
These awarenesses create the input to
metatalk and problem-solving skills..
Use respectful
empathic listeningwhen your partner is currently distracted by intense emotions
and can't hear you.Effectiveempathic listening
brings a partner's intense emotions down "below their ears," which
restores their hearing and comprehending. This skill requires your Self
to guide you + empathy + genuine (vs. pseudo) mutual respect + patience
+ awareness skill.
Listening is not
(necessarily)
agreeing!
Use respectful
assertion
to state your opinions and needs in a way your partner/s can hear you
clearly. Use assertion when their ears are open (e.g. via
empathic listening). Effective
assertion requires genuine mutual respect, and fluency in the three
communication skills above. Alternatives to assertion are aggression(focusing
on your needs only (R-message = "I'm 1-up") and submission(discounting
or ignoring your needs (R-message - "I'm 1-down").
Use
metatalk, digging down, and problem solving any
time you and a partner have conflicting needs. involves...
clearly identifying what you each
really
need now,
cooperatively brainstorming options to fill
your respective primary needs; and then...
staying focused on seeking a compromise that
fits well
enoughfor both of you.
Usually, problem-solving fills all participants needs well enough
only if
each person is guided by
their true Self, wants to maintain a two-person
awareness bubble,
stays focused, and consistently receives credible equal-respect
R-messages!
Reflect: how likely is it that the adults and kids who are
most important to you could name and describe these skills and when to
use each of them? What if they could?
Recap
From over 40 years' study and experience, this article proposes...
you're probably unaware of how to
communicate effectively, and you don't know what's possible;
a two-factor
definition
of
effective communication,
14 premises (communication basics), and...
seven powerful communication skills, and when to use each one.
Using
these basic ideas and skills well depends on your being guided by your
true Self - so progress on
self-improvement Lesson 1 before putting these ideas to work for you and your family.
My unique, practical guidebook
for learning effective communications is
Satisfactions
- 7 relationship skills you need to know. (Xlibris.com, 2002).
It integrates the key articles and resources in this Web site."Satisfactions" means "Our needs are filled." In 40 years' study, I've never
found any book that focuses on the basic premises and seven skills in this
article - have you?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
Follow the steps in Lesson 2 here
for more perspective on how to use these basics and skills to improve
your communication outcomes, confidence, and self-esteem. Then teach what
you're learning to the people who matter the most to you - specially kids!