Lesson 2 of 7 - learn to communicate effectively

Communication Basics, and
 7 Skills
Your Parents
Didn't Teach You


By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/cx/basics.htm

  Updated  12-28-2014

      Clicking underlined links here will open a new window. Other links will open  an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display. Follow underlined links after finishing this article to avoid getting lost.

      This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The article summarizes seven learnable communication skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and preventing and resolving personal and social conflicts effectively.

       Reading will not make you a more effective communicator. If you patiently practice the ideas in this Lesson you will significantly improve your communication outcomes in all situations.

Learn something about yourself with this 1-question anonymous poll.

  To gauge your knowledge of communication basics, try this quiz and return here.

       I've studied thinking and communications skills for over 40 years, and have taught scores of lay and business classes and workshops on those topics. I estimate that under 5% of the 1,000+ adult therapy clients and students I've worked with knew how to communicate and problem-solve effectively. Their childhood caregivers and teachers probably didn't either. This ignorance is part of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that silently stresses most American families (like yours?).

  Contents

  • 14 premises about effective communication;

  • An overview of seven powerful communication skills you were probably never taught; and...

  • When to use each skill,

      This article assumes you're familiar with the intro to this nonprofit Web site, the premises underlying it, and self-improvement Lesson 1

      I include several YouTube videos below in case you're an audio-visual learner.

  Premises

       
Think of someone with whom you consistently communicate(d) well with. Then think of someone you've had significant trouble communicating with. Keep these people in mind as you consider the following ideas. If you disagree with any of these premises, note what you do believe...

      Premise 1)  Any perceived behavior that causes a "significant" mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reaction in another person (in someone's opinion) is "communication." Our English verb "to communicate" comes from the Latin verb communicare, which meant “to share.”

      Premise 2)  In any relationship, it's impossible to not communicate. We unconsciously decode meanings from silences, withdrawals, phone hang-ups, and absences as much as we do from written, verbal, and non-verbal actions. Think of this the next time you feel or hear "S/He didn't respond."

  

       Premise 3)  We communicate with ourselves (thinking) and with other people to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current needs.

      Five communication needs kids and adults try to fill are...

  • to feel respected by yourself and each communication partner, regardless of age, gender, knowledge, or roles. This need is constant in all social and solitary situations. And we need...

  • to give and/or get information (e.g. "What time will you be home?"); and/or we need to...

  • to cause or prevent action - including changing or maintaining the psychological "distance" (boundaries) between us and others. And we communicate...

  • to vent - i.e. we need to (a) describe our current thoughts, feelings, and needs to another person and to (b) feel understood and accepted by them (vs. to get "fixed"). And/or we communicate...

  • to avoid something uncomfortable, like silence, a confrontation, a loss, a disappointment, a criticism, conflict, boredom, and unpleasant emotions and/or awarenesses.

       These five needs aim to increase immediate emotional, physical, or spiritual comfort. If there are other reasons you communicate with people, add them. We usually have at least two of these needs at once, because the unconscious need for self respect + mutual respect is constant. This is specially true for shame-based (psychologically wounded) people.

      Our combination of personal and social needs can vary quickly as our inner and outer environments change. Thus awareness of our respective needs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the keystone communication skill. Are you usually aware of why and how you communicate? Do you know what to do if your and your partner's communication needs and values conflict?

      Premise 4)  Effective communication happens when each person involved...

  • Gets enough of their current primary needs met (by their definition),...

  • in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) all others involved, and (c) the processes in and among them.


      If you accept this definition, note two key implications:

in important exchanges, all people need to be clearly aware of what each person really needs; and

the odds of two people both achieving these two factors are 1 in 16, or about 6%! Here's why:

Possible Communication Outcomes

primary needs met
 well enough?

Feeling good enough
when we're done?

mine

yours

me

you

yes no yes no
no yes no yes
no no no no
yes yes yes yes

      Because definitions of enough vary by person and circumstance, definitions of "effective verbal communications" vary. What you feel is effective may not match my definition. We both are "right." The definition that counts is what we both believe right now. What percent of the time would you say you and your mate, and you and each child in your life, communicate effectively? How effective are you at communicating with yourself (thinking)?

      This premise provides a useful way to judge how effective your communication is in any situation or relationship. This allows spotting current or habitual communication blocks, and using seven skills to prevent or correct them together.

      Premise 5) There are (at least) six requisites to be an effective communicator

      This brief YouTube video outlines them:

      Premise 6)  Effective communication may happen when all people's current needs match well enough - e.g. I need to vent, and you need to maintain our relationship, and get information about me.

      When our respective communication needs conflicts, we share a communication "problem." To make things more interesting, the subselves ruling each person's personality may have communication-need conflicts at any moment! ("Part of me wants to hear you clearly, and another part wants to vent!")

      Premise 7)  Face to face, we communicate on three "channels" at once:

verbal - spoken words;

voice dynamics - tone + tempo + inflection + volume + accent + non-word sounds; and...

non-verbal - face and body language.

          Face to face, most of the meaning we decode from our partners' behaviors comes through our eyes (!) Often the least impactful meaning we exchange comes from our words, but we're taught from childhood to focus on them the most. How often are you aware of each of these three channels in important exchanges? Such awareness allows spotting confusing double messages.

          Recall - we're reviewing 14 basic premises about communication inside and between people. Have you ever seen premises like these before?

      Premise 8)  Many communications we send and decode are unconscious. We "leak" our true feelings and attitudes all the time via tiny vocal and physical cues, and we may send conflicting ("double" or "mixed") messages via different channels (e.g. words: "good to see you!"; Body, face, and tone: "I don't want to talk to you now.")

      Any motivated person (e.g. you) can become more aware of their communication needs and how they're communicating. That promotes avoiding, spotting and reducing communication problems, and significantly improving outcomes (table above).

      Premise 9)  We try to get current communication and other needs met by exchanging up to five  concurrent messages on each of our three channels: "Right now, I am (or you are)...

  • feeling...";

  • needing...";

  • thinking...";

  • doing..."; and 

  • ranking who's needs are most important.

The last one can be called a R(espect)-message. I suggest that it is the most critical of the five. It's usually sent and decoded unconsciously. Because we all need to feel respected enough in every relationship and situation, perceived R-messages control the quality of every spoken and unspoken communication exchange, including written ones! Do you agree?

      The three possible R-messages are: "Here and now, you (seem to) value your needs, worth, and dignity...

more than mine, so you feel 1-up (superior) and I'm 1-down." The extreme version of this is "You don't exist":; or your needs are worth..

less than mine, so you feel 1-down (inferior) and I'm 1-up"; or you value your needs...

equally with mine

      For effective communication, all people steadily need to receive credible "we're equal" R-messages, which come from genuine Self-respect and mutual respect. This is most likely if their respective true Selves (capital "S") steadily guide their other subselves.

Reality check: think of someone you have trouble communicating with. What would you say are the average R-messages each of you perceives from the other? Now answer the same question about someone you communicate well with. What do you notice?

      Incidentally, note that your ruling subselves cause R-messages - so pretending to respect someone will usually cause a double message and earn their distrust. Have you experienced that?

      Premise 10)  Effective communication only happens when all people consistently feel stable self respect and mutual respect  Implication: shame-based  (wounded) people often have trouble communicating effectively until they improve their self-love and self respect via personal wound-recovery (Lesson 1). This is because their ruling subselves feel worthless and unlovable (inferior), and often misinterpret respectful communications as attacks, criticisms, and discounts.

      My clinical experience since 1981 is that well over half of kids and adults in typical troubled families are significantly shame-based - and they don't (want to) realize this or what it means.

      Premise 11)  The effectiveness of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your thinking - fuzzy and disorganized to focused and logical. The quality of your thinking reflects...

  • which subselves control your personality in calm and stressful situations,

  • your working vocabulary, and...

  • your self-awareness.

Accepting this premise can motivate you to learn the powerful communication skills of awareness and clear thinking.

      Premise 12)  Your communication skills and effectiveness can be improved over time - any time. Like any skill, this takes willingness to learn and change + motivation + patience + practice.

      "Improving your communication effectiveness" means getting your current primary needs met more often, and helping others do the same. This promote a more productive, satisfying life - specially if you give young people the priceless gift of effective communication skills!

     Premise 13)  Getting the maximum benefits from acting on these communication premises requires that your true Self consistently guide your other personality subselves. Lesson 1 in this nonprofit site and its related guidebook provide perspective, practical options, and resources for achieving that over time. Do you know who controls your life now?

      Premise 14)  Effective communication requires shared knowledge, awarenesses, and a committed, cooperative attitude and effort among all people involved - so it is not always possible at the moment. This is specially true if one or more people are ruled by a false self. 

      Pause and reflect. do these communication premises seem realistic and credible? How do they compare with your core beliefs? How many average adults (like your mate, parents, and siblings) do you think could name and describe even five of these 14  premises? The good news is - anyone can learn to apply them at any time!

+ + +

      Now let's put these premises to work...

Seven Communication Skills

      Recall: all animals (including humans) instinctively communicate to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current needs. Can you name a more essential learned skill? There are seven specific skills you can learn to fill your relationship needs consistently:

  • awareness of four "zones"

  • clear (vs. fuzzy unfocused) thinking

  • empathic listening

  • "digging down" (to uncover current primary needs)

  • assertion

  • "metatalk" (talking about how you communicate), and

  • win-win problem-solving.

      Reflect: who taught you how to communicate? Keep them in mind as you read this summary - my bet is that they could not name these skills or say when to use each one. If so - they didn't know how to communicate (get their needs met) effectively - and probably you don't either.

Skills Outline 

  • Awareness - paying nonjudgmental attention to specific things going on...

    • inside us - i.e. our thoughts, feelings, and our subselves' dynamic needs and behaviors;

    • inside our partners (an empathic, respectful guesstimate),

    • between us partners (verbal and nonverbal dynamics), and...

    • around us (our environment);

    Making this skill automatic (a habit) is essential for the other six skills to be effective.

  • Clear thinking - in important communications, intentionally...

    • avoiding vague pronouns and phrases (e.g. it, that, them, this issue, work through, etc),

    • staying focused, and...

    • developing and using a clear, descriptive vocabulary;

  • Empathic (or reflective, or active) listening - briefly saying back what you hear and see, without judgment. Fluency in this vital skill requires awareness and clear thinking;;

  • Digging down below surface needs to identify each partners' current primary needs. This requires the three prior skills;

  • Assertion of our perceptions, opinions, and needs. This requires the four prior skills + self and mutual respects + a clear awareness and acceptance of our personal rights. This skill is respectfully...

    • identifying and requesting or demanding what we need, and...

    • calmly handling expected "resistances" with empathic listening and then re-asserting, until we get credible compliance or shift to problem-solving.

  • Metatalk - talking together about how we communicate using awareness and a special set of terms - as mutually-respectful teammates with a common goal.

      The sixth skill is... 

  • Problem solving (conflict resolution), which is far more productive (need-fulfilling) than debating, explaining, arguing, interrogating, lecturing, preaching, hinting, demanding, analyzing, fighting, avoiding, generalizing, and withdrawing.

      Have you ever seen these vital skills summarized before? Has anyone ever taught you why, how, and when to use each skill effectively? Could you describe each skill now to an average pre-teen? Could the other important adults in your family and life do that, starting with your childhood caregivers?

  Learn something about yourself with this 1-question anonymous poll)

      Are you modeling and teaching these communication basics and skills to the young people in your life now? Doing so is a priceless life-long gift to them and their descendents

  When Do I Use Each Skill?

      Learn to use them in these specific social situations:

      Use awareness and clear thinking in all important social situations. Focus on...

  • whether anyone is controlled by a false self - starting with you; and...

  • your respective R-messages, attitudes, and primary needs, and be aware of...

  • the processes and outcomes in and between your subselves and partners.

These awarenesses create the input to metatalk and problem-solving skills..

      Use respectful empathic listening when your partner is currently distracted by intense emotions and can't hear you. Effective empathic listening brings a partner's intense emotions down "below their ears," which restores their hearing and comprehending. This skill requires your Self to guide you + empathy + genuine (vs. pseudo) mutual respect + patience + awareness skill. Listening is not (necessarily) agreeing!

      Use respectful assertion to state your opinions and needs in a way your partner/s can hear you clearly. Use assertion when their ears are open (e.g. via empathic listening). Effective assertion requires genuine mutual respect, and fluency in the three communication skills above. Alternatives to assertion are aggression (focusing on your needs only (R-message = "I'm 1-up") and submission (discounting or ignoring your needs (R-message - "I'm 1-down").

      Use metatalk, digging down, and problem solving any time you and a partner have conflicting needs. Effectiveness at problem solving requires your true Self guiding your personality, and fluency with all five other communication skills. Problem-solving involves...
  • clearly identifying what you each really need now,

  • cooperatively brainstorming options to fill your respective primary needs; and then...

  • staying focused on seeking a compromise that fits well enough for both of you.

      Usually, problem-solving fills all participants needs well enough only if each person is guided by their true Self, wants to maintain a two-person awareness bubble, stays focused, and consistently receives credible equal-respect R-messages!

      Reflect: how likely is it that the adults and kids who are most important to you could name and describe these skills and when to use each of them? What if they could?

  Recap

      From over 40 years' study and experience, this article proposes...

  • you're probably unaware of how to communicate effectively, and you don't know what's possible;

  • a two-factor definition of effective communication,

  • 14 premises (communication basics), and...

  • seven powerful communication skills, and when to use each one.

Using these basic ideas and skills well depends on your being guided by your true Self - so progress on self-improvement Lesson 1  before putting these ideas to work for you and your family.

      My unique, practical guidebook for learning effective communications is Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know. (Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates the key articles and resources in this Web site. "Satisfactions" means "Our needs are filled."  In 40 years' study, I've never found any book that focuses on the basic premises and seven skills in this article - have you?

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

 This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful   

      Follow the steps in Lesson 2 here for more perspective on how to use these basics and skills to improve your communication outcomes, confidence, and self-esteem. Then teach what you're learning to the people who matter the most to you - specially kids!

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