Lesson 2 of 8 - learn effective communication basics and skills
	Communication Basics, and  7 Skills Your Parents Didn't Teach You - p. 1 of 2 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/basics.htm

Clicking a link below will open an infor-mational popup or full new browser window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this non-profit site.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The article summarizes seven learnable communica-tion skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving personal and social conflicts effectively.         The unique guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates key Lesson-2 Web articles in this non-profit Web site, and provides many practical resources.          Reading will not make you a more effective com-municator. If you patiently practice the ideas in this Les-son you will significantly improve your communication outcomes in all situations.   To gauge your knowledge of communication basics, try this quiz and return here.

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       I've studied thinking and communications skills for over 40 years, and have taught scores of lay and business classes and workshops on those topics. I estimate that under 5% of the 1,000+ adult therapy clients and students I've worked with knew how to communicate and problem-solve effectively. Their childhood caregivers and teachers probably didn't either. This ignorance is part of the [wounds + una-wareness] cycle that silently stresses most American families (like yours?).

  Contents

• premises about effective communication;

• An overview of seven powerful communication skills you probably were never taught; and...

• When to use each skill,

        This article assumes you're familiar with the intro to this nonprofit Web site, the premises underlying it, and self-study Lessons 1 and 2

  Premises

       Think of someone with whom you consistently communicate(d) well with. Then think of someone you've had significant trouble communicating with. Keep these people in mind as you consider the fol-lowing ideas. If you disagree with any of them, note what you do believe...

Premise 1)  Any perceived behavior that causes a "significant" mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual reaction in another person (in someone's opinion) is "communication." Our English verb "to communicate" comes from the Latin verb communicare, which meant “to share.”

        Premise 2)  It's impossible to not communicate. We unconsciously decode meanings from silen-ces, withdrawals, phone hang-ups, and absences as much as we do from written, verbal, and non-verbal actions. Think of this the next time you feel or hear "S/He didn't respond."  

       Premise 3)  We communicate with ourselves (thinking) and with other people to reduce current dis-comforts - i.e. to fill current needs. Six communication needs kids and adults try to fill are...

• to feel respected by yourself and each communication partner, regardless of age, gender, know-ledge, or roles. This need is constant in all social and solitary situations. And we need...

• to give and/or get information (e.g. "What time will you be home/'); and/or we need to...

• to cause or prevent action - including changing or maintaining the psychological "distance" (boundaries) between us and others. And/or we communicate...

• to vent - i.e. we need to (a) describe our current thoughts, feelings, and needs to another person and to (b) feel understood and accepted by them (vs. to get "fixed"). And/or we communicate...

• to create excitement - i.e. to reduce numbness or boredom; and/or we communicate...

• to avoid something uncomfortable, like silence, a confrontation, a loss, a disappointment, a criticism, conflict, and unpleasant emotions and/or awarenesses.

       These six needs aim to increase immediate emotional, physical, or spiritual comfort. If there are other reasons you communicate with people, add them. We usually have at least two of these needs at once, because the unconscious need for self respect + mutual respect is constant. This is specially true for shame-based (wounded) people.

        Our combination of personal and social needs can vary quickly as our inner and outer environments change. Thus awareness of our respective needs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is the keystone com-munication skill. Are you usually aware of why and how you communicate? Do you know what to do if your and your partner's communication and/or other needs and values conflict?

Premise 4)  Effective communication happens when each person involved... Gets enough of their current primary needs met (by their definition),... in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) all others involved, and (c) the processes in and among them.

        If you accept this definition, note two key implications:

in important exchanges, all people need to be clearly aware of what each person really needs; and

the odds of two people both achieving these two factors are 1 in 16, or about 6%! Here's why:

Possible Communication Outcomes
primary needs met  well enough?		Feeling good enough when we're done?
mine	yours	me	you
yes	no	yes	no
no	yes	no	yes
no	no	no	no
yes	yes	yes	yes

        Because definitions of enough vary by person and circumstance, definitions of "effective verbal com-munications" vary. What you feel is effective may not match my definition. We both are "right." The defini-tion that counts is what we both believe right now. What percent of the time would you say you and your mate, and you and each child in your life, communicate effectively? How effective are you at communica-ting with yourself (thinking)?

        This premise provides a useful way to judge how effective your communication is in any situation or relationship. This allows spotting current or habitual communication blocks, and using seven skills to pre-vent or correct them together.

        Premise 5)  Effective communication may happen when all people's current needs match well enough - e.g. I need to vent, and you need to maintain our relationship, and get information about me.

        When our respective communication (vs. other) needs conflicts, we share a communication "prob-lem." To make things more interesting, the subselves ruling each person's personality may have com-munication-need conflicts at any moment! ("Part of me wants to hear you clearly, and another part wants to vent!")

        Premise 6)  Face to face, we communicate on three "channels" at once:

verbal - spoken words;

voice dynamics - tone + tempo + inflection + volume + accent + non-word sounds; and...

non-verbal - face and body language.

Face to face, most of the meaning we decode from our partners' behaviors comes through our eyes (!) Often the least impactful meaning we exchange comes from our words, but we're taught from childhood to focus on them the most. How often are you aware of each of these three channels in important exchanges? Such awareness allows spotting confusing double messages.

        Recall - we're reviewing 13 basic premises about communication inside and between people. Have you ever seen premises like these before?

        Premise 7)  Many communications we send and decode are unconscious. We "leak" our true feel-ings and attitudes all the time via tiny vocal and physical cues, and we may send conflicting ("double" or "mixed") messages via different channels (e.g. words: "good to see you!"; Body, face, and tone: "I don't want to talk to you now.")

        Any motivated person (e.g. you) can become more aware of their communication needs and how they're communicating. That promotes avoiding, spotting and reducing communication problems, and sig-nificantly improving outcomes (table above).

        Premise 8)  We try to get current communication and other needs met by exchanging up to five  concurrent messages on each of our three channels: "Right now, I am (or you are)...

• feeling...";

• needing...";

• thinking...";

• doing..."; and 

• ranking who's needs are most important.

more than mine, so you feel 1-up (superior) and I'm 1-down"; or...

less than mine, so you feel 1-down (inferior) and I'm 1-up"; or...

equally with mine

        For effective communication, all people steadily need to receive credible "we're equal" R-messages, which come from genuine Self-respect and mutual respect. This is most likely if their respective true Selves (capital "S") steadily guide their other subselves.

Reality check: think of someone you have trouble communicating with. What would you say are the aver-age R-messages each of you perceives from the other? Answer the same question about someone you communicate well with. What do you notice?

        Incidentally, note that your ruling subselves cause R-messages - so pretending to respect someone will usually cause a double message and earn their distrust. Have you experienced that?

        Premise 9)  Effective communication only happens when all people consistently feel stable self re-spect and mutual respect  Implication: shame-based (wounded) people often have trouble communicating effectively until they improve their self-love and self respect via personal wound-recovery (Lesson 1). This is because their ruling subselves feel worthless and unlovable (inferior), and often misinterpret respectful com-munications as attacks, criticisms, and discounts.

        My clinical experience since 1981 is that well over half of kids and adults in typical troubled families are significantly shame-based - and don't (want to) realize this or what it means.

        Premise 10)  The effectiveness of your communication is directly proportional to the quality of your thinking - fuzzy and disorganized to focused and logical. The quality of your thinking reflects...

• which subselves control your personality in calm and stressful situations,

• your working vocabulary, and...

• your self-awareness.

Accepting this premise can motivate you to learn the powerful skills of awareness and clear thinking.

        Premise 11)  Your communication skills and effectiveness can be improved over time - any time. Like any skill, this takes willingness to learn and change + motivation + patience + practice.

        "Improving your communication effectiveness" means getting your current primary needs met more often, and helping others do the same. This promote a more productive, satisfying life - specially if you give young people the priceless gift of effective communication skills!

Premise 12)  Getting the maximum benefits from acting on these communication premises re-quires that your true Self consistently guide your other personality subselves. Lesson 1 in this non-profit site and its related guidebook provide perspective, practical options, and resources for achieving that over time. Do you know who controls your life now?

        Premise 13)  Effective communication requires shared knowledge, awarenesses, and a committed, cooperative attitude and effort among all people involved - so it is not always possible at the moment. This is specially true if one or more people are ruled by a false self. 

        Pause and reflect. do these communication premises seem realistic and credible? How do they com-pare with your core beliefs? How many average adults (like your mate, parents, and siblings) do you think could name and describe even five of these 13 premises? The good news is - anyone can learn to apply them at any time!

+ + +

Continue with an overview of seven powerful communication skills you can learn and teach your kids. Do you need a break before continuing?

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Updated  August 30, 2010