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Continued from p. 1.
Now let's
put these basic premises to work...
Seven Communication Skills
Recall: all animals (including humans) instinctively
communicate to reduce current discomforts - i.e. to fill current
needs. Can you name a more essential learned skill?
Reflect: who taught you how to communicate? Keep them in mind as you read
this summary - my bet is that they could not name these skills or say when
tp use each one. If so - they didn't know how to communicate (get their
needs met)effectively - and probably you don't either.
Awareness- paying nonjudgmental attention to specific things going on...
insideus - i.e. our thoughts,
feelings, and our subselves' dynamic needs and behaviors;
between us partners (verbal and
nonverbal dynamics), and...
around us (our environment);
Making this skill automatic (a habit) is
essential for the other
six skills to be effective.
Clear thinking- in important communications, intentionally...
avoiding vague pronouns
and phrases (e.g. it, that, them, this issue, work through, etc),
staying focused, and...
developing and using a clear,
descriptive
vocabulary;
Empathic (or
reflective, or active)
listening- briefly saying back what you hear, without
judgment.Fluency in this vital skill requires awareness and clear
thinking;;
Digging downbelow surface needs to identify each partners' current
primary needs. This requires the three prior skills;
Assertionof our perceptions, opinions, and needs. This requires the four prior skills
+ self and mu-tual respects + a clear awareness and acceptance of our
personal rights. This skill is respectful-ly...
identifying and
requesting
or demanding what we need, and...
calmly handling expected "resistances" with empathic listening and then re-asserting,
until we get credible compliance or shift to problem-solving.
Metatalk - talking together
about how we communicateusing awareness and a special set of
terms- as mutually-respectful teammates
with a common goal, vs. adversaries. The final skill is...
Problem solving (conflict resolution), which is far more productive
(need-fulfilling) than deba-ting,
explaining, arguing,interrogating, lecturing, preaching,
hinting, demanding, analyzing, fight-ing, avoiding, generalizing, and withdrawing.
Have you ever seen these vital skills summarized before?
Has anyone ever taught you why, how, and when to use each skill effectively?
Could you describe each skill now to an average pre-teen? Could the other
important adults in your family and life do that, starting with your
childhood caregivers?
Are you modeling and teaching these basics and skills to the
young people in your life now? Doing so is a priceless
life-long gift to them and their descendents
When Do I Use Each Skill?
Learn to use them in these specific social
situations:
Use awareness and clear thinkingin allimportant socialsituations. Focus on...
whether anyone is
controlled by a false self
- starting with you; and...
your respective
R-messages, attitudes, and
primary needs, and
be aware of...
These awarenesses create the input to metatalk
and problem-solving..
Use mutually-respectful empathic
listeningwhen your partner is currently distracted by intense emotions
and can't hear you.Effectiveempathic listening brings a partner's
intense
emotions down "below their ears," which restores their hearing
and comprehending. This skill requires
your Self to guide you + empathy + genuine (vs. pseudo) mutual respect + patience
+ awareness skill.
Listening is not
(necessarily) agreeing!
Use respectful assertion
to state your opinions and needs in a way your partner/s can hear you
clearly. Use assertion when their ears are open (e.g. via empathic listening). Effective
assertion requires genuine mutual respect, and fluency in the three communication skills above.
Alternatives to as-sertion are aggression(focusing on your own needs only
(R-message = "I'm 1-up") and submission(dis-counting or ignoring your own needs
(R-message - "I'm 1-down").
Use
metatalk, digging down,
and problem solving any time you and a partner have
conflicting
needs. involves...
clearly identifying what you eachreally
need now,
cooperatively
brainstorming options to fill your respective primary needs;
and then...
staying focused on seeking a compromise that fits well
enough for both
of you.
Usually, problem-solving
fills all participants needs well enough only if
each person is guided
by their true Self, wants
to maintain a two-person
awareness bubble,
stays focused, and
consistently receives credible equal-respect R-messages!
Reflect: how likely is it that the adults and kids who are most important to
you could name and describe these skills, and when to use each of them?
What if they could?
Follow the steps in Lesson 2 here for more perspective on how to use
these basics and skills to im-prove your communication outcomes, confidence,
and self-esteem. Then teach what you're learning to the people who matter
the most to you - specially kids!
Recap
From over 40 years' study and experience, this article proposes...
you're probably unaware of how to
communicate effectively, and you don't know what's possible;
a two-factor
definition of
effective communication,
13 premises (communication basics), and...
seven powerful communication skills, and when to use each one.
Using
these basic ideas and skills well depends on your being guided by your
true Self - so progress on
self-study Lesson 1 before putting these ideas to work for you and your family.
My
unique, practical guidebook for
learning effective communications is Satis-factions
-
7 relationship skills you need to know. (Xlibris.com, 2002).
It integrates the key articles and resources in this site."Satisfactions" means "Our needs are filled."
Widen
your perspective with these selected books
on aspects of effective communication. In 40 years' study, I've never
found any book that focuses on the basic premises and seven
skills in this article - have you?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
someone else?
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/cx/basics.htm
Seven Communication 
When Do I Use Each Skill?