| Recall the
requisites for effective communication: (1) each person's
primary needs get filled well
enough, (2) in a way that both people feel good enough about. |
In this example of subselves affecting verbal communication...
Neither
adult's ruling subselves had begun
to
identify their
or their partner's
primary needs. Tom could have clarified "What do I need from Gina?" before he
called. Conversely, she could have asked him
what he needed from her when he called;
Neither
Tom's nor Gina's
true Self was able to guide and
direct their other subselves. One result was that each parent got distracted by
the opposing agendas, thoughts, and feelings of the subselves comprising their
false self.
Neither
Gina nor Tom were
aware of what
was happening inside themselves or between them - so they couldn't
their three processes or focus them as parenting partners on
Harold's problems; Finally...
Their
spoken conversation was beginning to polarize into a familiar attack > defend >
counterattack
sequence. This polarity was
powered by the powerful feelings of their shamed
and scared
Inner Kids and the
narrowly-focused, reactive
subselves dedicated to protecting them.
Neither parent was aware of...
-
their respective subselves and...
-
their
-
their disabled true Self,
-
their
inner and spoken communication
or...
-
the
communication basics
and
they might have used
to help each other help their son.
From
many prior experiences, neither Gina's or Tom's subselves felt
respected or
trusted
by the other. This left a vital
communication unfilled. That blocked their ability to
hear each other, which made brainstorming and effective
problem-solving impossible.
Net result:
ineffective communication, reducing the chance
that both parents could act together to assess what their son needed, and
provide it. Lose-lose-lose.
|
The point: communications among adults and kids are powerfully
influenced by their (your) re-spective subselves – specially in
internal and mutual conflicts. Most people (like you) are unaware of this. Think of recent conversations
between you and key other people at home or work.
|
Can you begin to see them in a new
way? Widen your awareness by reading this
example
of how unseen subselves affected a real stepfamily couple and their kids and ex mates.
A Better Way
If
Tom and Gina had each progressed on
reducing their wounds
(Lesson 1 in this site), their true Self (Capital "S")
would have directed their respective inner-family processes - specially if both
people had learned to practice the seven Lesson-2
communication skills.
Their true Selves would have focused their other subselves on their
unfolding communication
to keep it effective; and on
trying to help their son with his many needs without getting into a
toxic blaming > defending > counter-blaming spiral or lured into other conflicts.
If you and some important people often experience
communication frustrations, you can reduce them over time. You
may have some of these relationship
With commitment and patience,
[wound-recovery + improved communication
awareness] can help you improve your
key relationships.
Option - separate your tangle of
relationship problems
into separate issues, and work on re/building
self and
mutual respect and
trust first.
Pause, breathe, and reflect on what you just read. Imagine you
are Gina or Tom, trying to communi-cate effectively without awareness of
your many subselves.
|
This illustration exists to encourage you
to commit time and energy to progressing at Les-son 1 here - free your
resident true Self to guide you in calm and confusing times. One
major benefit among many is promoting more effective
communication with the key people in your life - if you
follow two more suggestions...
|
2)
Learn New Words and Communication Basics
Words
are like the colors on a painter's palette. The
more colors and brushes an artist has, the more vivid and evocative a picture
s/he can create. The more words you're fluent with, the more effectively you
can express yourself - so....
Expand Your Vocabulary
You
don't have to memorize a dictionary. You can significantly
improve your communication effec-tiveness by gaining fluency with selected words and phrases
about...
For
perspective, note that you've already acquired thousands of words - most
without conscious effort. Where did you get them? Imagine committing
to learning two new words a day, or five new words a week. Can you do that?
The challenge here is motivation to learn and practice new
words. Can you imagine feeling solidly confident that you can say
exactly what you mean in important situations? How often can you feel that
now?
If a
false self controls you, those
well-meaning subselves will probably sabotage your wanting to ex-pand your
vocabulary ("Boring!" / "Too much work!" / "Too many other things to do!").
Check your motiva-tion:
_ I'm determined to learn a few new
words every day or week now;
_ I'll start learning "pretty soon;"
_ I'm not motivated to learn
new words now, tho I see the value of doing so.
Option - print any interesting articles
in this Web site, and circle or hilight any words you can't describe to a
typical teenager. Then use the glossaries here (links above) and/or a print
or online dictionary to learn their meaning. Cement your learning by
watching for chances to use the new words in your speech and writing.
The
next way to reduce crippling ignorance is to...
Learn Communication Basics and Skills
Despite maturity and formal education, most people (like you?) don't know
what they need to know about the vital skill of communicating. To see if you
need to update your basic knowledge, get undistrac-ted, take this
quiz, and review these
Q&A items. If
you do need to update your knowledge,
take self-study
Lesson 2 over some
weeks.
Another powerful option toward more effective communication and
satisfactions is to...
Learn Relationship Basics
Beside ignorance of communication basics and skills, most men and women (like you?) don't know they need to learn basic concepts about healthy
relationships among their subselves and with other pe-ople.
See if you need to learn about these
by taking this quiz and studying these
Q&A items. To expand your knowledge,
take
self-study Lesson 4 here.
In
addition to psychological wounds and ignorance,
ineffective communication is
also promoted by a lack of personal and social awareness.
3)
Improve Your Awarenesses
Try
saying your definition of "awareness" out loud now, and bring it along as
you read...
|
A
powerful line in the inspiring hymn
Amazing
Grace is "(I) Was blind, but
now I see." After five decades of studying the "Human
Condition" and 23 years' personal recovery from severe false-self wounds, I
now suspect that well over 90% of typical Americans - probably including YOU - are
"blind" to the amazing worlds within and around them - as I have
been.
|
Typical adults think they're "aware," and are
unaware of present-moment awareness that they could
achieve. You are probably often unaware of...
-
what you [ see + think + smell + feel + sense
+ need ] right now;
-
the traits and dynamics of the talented
of personality
subselves that control your life; and...
-
the dynamics of your
relationships (needs and behaviors) with your
Higher Power,
and
Nature.
Reality Checks - pause,
breathe, and thoughtfully rank your recent awareness of each of these
domains from one (I'm never aware of this)
to ten (I'm constantly
aware of this). Notice how it feels to rank them, and what you learn.
I suspect you've never done this exercise before, unless you're practicing
some
form of meditation.
Now think of the adults and kids in your life. How would you rank their
respective three awarenes-ses, most of the time?
If there's a special adult or child
you want to communicate more effectively with, how would you rank her or his
awareness in these three areas?
|
Premise -
your awareness is shaped and limited by your
knowledge.
For example, you can't be-come aware of the dynamics of your
subselves and who is leading them until you know about
person-ality subselves and how they act. That's why committing
to improving your knowledge of wounds, communications,
and relationships is vital! |
Options
To
improve your awareness in these three domains, you'll
need your
and to want to overcome two barriers:
-
believing that growing your awareness isn't
as important as being physically active and "produc-tive," and...
-
your hyper-stimulating social environment
(TV, cell phones, PCs, iPods, the Web, advertise-ments...), which ceaselessly distracts
you from improving
your three levels of awareness.
Reality Check: Reflect
and affirm your current truth:
my governing subselves are...
__ extremely motivated to reduce
these two awareness barriers, or...
__ they're ambivalent
about or moderately interested in overcoming them, or...
__ my leading subselves are not
motivated to overcome these two awareness barriers now.
Notice the
paradox - you can't commit to growing more aware
until your true Self leads
your other subselves, and you can't achieve that without wanting
awareness. This is why people
(like you?) who haven't hit
true bottom
often can't genuinely commit to improving their thinking and communication
effec-tiveness over time - even tho parts of them really want to.
If your
true Self is
your other subselves
now and is "extremely motivated" to expand your awareness, then read on. If not,
give priority to patient progress at
and accept reduced interest in improving your awareness and
communication for now Notice (be aware of) your
now...
To intentionally increase
your internal + communication + relationship awarenesses...
__ Practice this simple
at random times each day and night until it becomes a
habit. Give special emphasis to being aware of
what you feel and
now.
__ Participate in some form of
reputable meditation program like Zazen or Tai Chi for several months and see what you learn;
__ Experience professional massage
therapy for several months.
__ Work with a veteran awareness
coach and/or spiritual advisor;
__ Experiment with keeping a daily
log, journal, or "lab notebook" for several months. Julia
Cameron's books on
The Artist's Way are
practical resources.
__ Search the Web for
"awareness," "journaling," and "meditating."
__ Commit to patiently studying the communication and relationship basics
above, and ap-
plying your learnings to see
what results. Give special
emphasis to
learning and prac- ticing
Awareness skill
__ Become aware of key
attitudes that unconsciously affect
the quality of your communi- cation and relationships.
__ Practice analyzing communication
with various people to
your and
their respective
current
and
needs.
Option - validate your guesstimates with each person where
possible.
__ Experiment with...
-
periodically telling communication partners
what you're aware of about...
-
yourself
- e.g. "I'm aware I change the
subject often",
-
them
- e.g. "I'm aware that you're having
trouble keeping steady eye contact with me", and...
-
the
process between you in important situations - e.g. "I'm aware that
when we talk about ___, we both get emotional and distracted, and
neither of us gets our needs met.".
Use
and
skills
as resources.
And experiment with...
-
asking partners what
they are aware of at the moment and over time; and...
-
typical and important communication sequences and patterns
to become more aware of your process dynamics and
__ Identify people you feel are
unusually aware of themselves and their environment, and
ask them what other awareness-building options
and resources they suggest.
Were you aware of all these choices? Do they seem practical and do-able?
There are probably other options you can add as you grow...
|
Status Check - Reflect and identify your top five or more current
life priorities, as judged by your
actions. Does "Work steadily at
improving my thinking and communicating effectiveness" rank among
them? If not - why not?
Who's answering - your
or
|
What could the rest of your life be
like
if you doubled the effectiveness of
your thinking and communicating?
Recap
This
Lesson-2 article focuses on improving communication effectiveness among
adults. It...
-
provides improvement-preparation
options and key definitions;
-
describes typical
surface communication
problems and
three primary problems:
-
proposes practical solutions to each primary
problem.
Once adults and older kids understand these basics and are guided by
their true Self, they can help each other reduce any communication
blocks over time by working at this self-study course.
Note my
practical guidebook
for Lesson 2 -
Satisfactions
- 7 Relationship skills you need to know; (Xlibris.com, 2002), It integrate key
communication articles and
resources in this non-profit Web site.
Continue studying Lesson 2!
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
