|
|
|
- learn effective communication basics and skills |
|
|
Guidelines for
Effective
Communication with Kids
-
p. 2 of 4
Improve
your outcomes
with
pre-teens and teens
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/cx/kids.htm
The
next 3 pages build on the general options on p. 1, and add specific
suggestions for commu-nicating effectively with pre-teens and teens. If you
know such kids, keep them in mind as you read this...
Options for
Communicating Better with
Pre-teens
Try
saying the main differences between adults (you) and average pre-teens out
loud now. Then review the summary
on p. 1
to see how well you did. Your awareness and acceptance of these
differen-ces will determine how empathic and respectful you are in
communicating with pre-teens.
Paradox - your family adults may only be able to name a few of these
typical differences - yet if they read the list on page 1 they'll probably
think or say "Yeah, I knew that."
This illustrates the un-awareness that significantly stresses typical
homes, relationships, and families - like yours?
Pre-teens' unique traits invite adult communication-strategies like these: (option
- use this as a checklist with your other family adults and supporters)...
37) Teach the child...
-
what
needs are
(physical and emotional discomforts),
-
that it's normal and
OK (vs. weak and shameful) to be "needy,"
-
it's good to be able to (a)
and (b)
what s/he needs in important situa-tions, without anxiety or guilt
Option
- explain and illustrate each of these two vital skills as
appropriate. Practice (a) asking
"What do you need (from me) right now?" and then listening;
and (b) saying "I need you to ___."
-
encourage each pre-teen to (a) identify
and name their specific
and other
needs, and (b) summarize yours, when appropriate.
Praise children when they can do this, and patiently coach
(vs. criticize) them when they can't; and teach him or her...
-
to value and grow his/her vocabulary - explain and illustrate
new words, and praise the child for using new words correctly. Put
special emphasis on words that des-cribe feelings,
and relationship
dynamics.
Suggestion - try making a range
of faces and sounds, and ask the child to name each one. The ask the
child to make faces and sounds (like a sigh or growl), and you name
them.
And model and teach young kids...
-
what their personal
rights are as a dignified
person, and how and when to...
-
be aware of common communication blocks,
what to
and how to spot and talk about them (how to use
meta-comments). This will make communication-prob-lem solving
progressively easier over time! And teach kids...
-
how to
and accept praise without discomfort, vs. dismissing, discounting,
or deflecting it; and teach...
-
how to express and use
effectively. Can
you do that yet? And teach kids...
-
how to disagree and
(assert)
respectfully.
38)
Patiently model, explain,
and teach each of the seven effective communication
This will pay off when the teen years hit and for the rest of
each child's life.
39)
Intentionally strive to merit each child's (a) trust that it's
safe to express themselves with you, and (b)
respect. Don't accept the traditional illusion that "kids must
respect their elders." Did you?
40)
View "rebellion" or "defiance"
as normal testing by the child for (a) her or his family
status and (b) personal security. Typical insecure kids need to know
who's in charge of their home and family, and what the rules and
consequences are, tho they won't say so, and may not like them.
Did you realize how many options you have with pre-teens? You can probably
think of other stra-tegies to improve your interactions with the pre-teens
in your life. Pause and reflect on what you just read. Let's expand that
idea with a related project...
Options for Communicating with
Typical Teens
This section hilights six key differences between teens and adults,
and illustrates strategies for handling eight common adult-teen
communication problems. If there are
teens in your life that you have trouble communicating well with, keep
them in mind as you review these...
Six Teen-Adult Differences
Several key adult-teen differences will affect your communication with
adolescents. Recall your teen years and see if these
premises feel valid:
-
Teen's bodies are changing
in exciting, alien
ways which are often confusing and embarrassing to talk about with adults
and some peers. One result is that
their personal identity is
silently shift-ing
from boy or girl (child) to
young man or woman (adult). Typical girls experience this exciting,
confusing change before boys. This promotes shifts in their own and others'
expectations of the child's capabilities and responsibilities - e.g. "You should
be able to be on time by now!"
Typical teens (and many adults) have not learned how to discuss these
complex physical, emotional, social and family-role changes and the new
needs they cause, so teens may be extra reactive to being confused,
"making mistakes," or appearing stupid or incompetent as an
emerging young adult.
Confusion is sure for all family members, because for an
unpredictable period of time, typical teens can feel and seem schizophrenic
- one moment a child, the next moment an arrogant, impulsive, idealistic,
naive, thoughtful, sweet, and/or defensive young pre-adult.
So
during this transition period, you're communicating with (at least) two
people in one body!
Each persona has different values and priorities, and a different
Remember what this was like?
Option - experiment with the idea that at any time, you may
be communicating with "Alex (or whomever) number One" (the child) or
"Alex number Two" (the young adult). Both are valuable and valid
persons!
-
Most older teens are approaching the end of high
school, and are
experiencing bewildering choices about
(a) what to do after graduation and (b) how much responsibility to assume for that.
They often assume they know how the world works, and
don't seek or want adult advice, lectures, limits, or warnings - unless
they're living in a high-nurturance family.
-
Typical
teens' priorities and allegiances are shifting from
their family adults to peers, with whom they need to be in constant
contact. That often causes unfamiliar, concurrent
adult-teen
and
conflicts and relationship
that require adult understanding, empathy,
patience, respect, and communication skills to
negotiate. Do you
have those?
-
Teens won't know
about personality subselves, wounds, or effective-communication
basics
and
This
can be doubly
problematic if you adults (a) don't know them either, and (b) aren't usually
by your
Two more key teen-adult differences are...
-
Teens lack the life experience and self-awareness of adults
in general, and in specific roles like spouse, parent, voter,
property owner and manager, investor, taxpayer, and self-responsible
woman or man. So they
will often be unable to empathize with adult needs, priorities,
(some) feelings, and responsibilities. Chiding or punishing a teen for
"insensitivity" or "selfishness" is usually shaming, and promotes the
child's hurt, resentment, guilt, distrust, and rebellion.
-
Seeking
independence, peer acceptance,
and excitement, many
teens are vulnerable to try-ing
risky new experiences like drugs, "defiance,"
breaking rules, body-mutilation, and sexual inter-course. They may sense
these are "wrong," but (their dominant false selves) may feel invincible
and/or rebellious and do them anyway.
Many teens haven't learned how to
assert their needs and boundaries
respectfully ("tactfully"), so they may seem arrogant,
rude, and
selfish.
This can also promote signifi-cant secrecy, denials, lying, and arguing (vs.
problem-solving)
with caregivers who don't fully trust the teen's judgment yet.
|
So
- in important communications, remind
yourself that
your teens are not
adults yet, tho they often won't accept that. This doesn't mean you should
talk down to them. Coach yourself to empa-thize with the six differences above as you
form your expectations, boundaries, and praises with your high-potential teens.
|
With
that guideline in mind, let's look at your options for managing...
Eight Communication Challenges with Teens
(and Many Adults)
Most
ineffective adult-teen communications are caused by several basic issues.
The
rest of this article illustrates effective
options for understanding and reacting to them.
These illustrations presume your
family
adults are intentionally acquiring effective-communication
basics
- specially, working to keep your true Self in charge of your personality. If you're not, the suggestions below will probably be of
little help.
Typical pre-teens may cause these same problems, but don't have the
experience or vocabulary that teens do - so keep that in mind when adapting
strategies like those below to younger kids.
Common adult-teen communication problems include...
-
disrespectful behaviors,
like interrupting, sarcasm, ignoring, not listening, blaming, discounting, aggression, sullenness,
rudeness, and indifference,
-
self-centeredness,
arrogance, and lack of empathy
-
excessive volatility,
moodiness, and impatience
-
dishonesty,
withholding, and secrecy
-
arguing, debating ("Yes, but..."),
challenging, and manipulating
-
silences,
evasions, and/or "I don't know" (withholding)
-
covert or open defiance ("rebellion"), and...
-
"duality" - inconsistent (child < > adult) behaviors.
Key Adult Problems
Each of these vexing surface problems (symptoms) can be caused by up to
six interactive
adult factors. The grownups...
are significantly
wounded
and
unaware,
and don't (want to) admit that and what it
and
they...
may lack empathy for all the
differences between them and their teens, so they have
unrealistic
expectations of their children which frustrates everyone; and the
teen's adults...
un/consciously rank their needs
higher
than their child's needs in non-emergencies be-cause they're "older
and wiser," have more responsibility; and they (arrogantly)
expect the teen to accept that disrespect without hurt and resentment. And many
adults...
don't know or admit that they've trained their
teen to expect a disrespectful false self to
in-teract with them; and they...
aren't aware of - or
haven't consistently followed - many of the suggestions above when
the teen was younger. In particular, their adults haven't learned to
practice and teach effective-communication basics
and
skills, and they often
lack process-awareness and model some of
these communication
And
like their ancestors, many parents and caregivers
aren't motivated to learn how to...
clearly
identify
(a) what they need
and (b) what their teen needs, and to rank these needs
equally except in emergencies,
assert, listen, and
problem-solve (fill their
mutual needs) effectively,
and enforce
appropriate consequences (limits) respectfully, and
they haven't learned...
how to
praise
effectively.
This premise will seem more credible with some examples with each of the
communication prob-lems above. Use these examples a guidelines, not rigid "cook book"
responses. Try to sense the themes of these illustrations rather
than the details. These examples assume you want to become
fluent with ef-fective-communication basics
and skills (Lesson 2). If you don't want to, you're probably unaware of being wounded and ruled
by a false self. Let's
use the options above to illustrate effective ways adults can respond to
these eight common teen-communication problems (and others):
PROBLEM
1)
Teens' Disrespectful Attitudes and Behaviors
Many verbal and nonverbal teen behaviors imply significant
disrespect, like sarcasm, interrupting, changing the topic, not listening,
eye-rolling, ignoring, sighing, avoiding eye-contact, jeering, blaming, walking away, not responding, and doing something else while talking.
The first steps in communicating
effectively with anyone are to...
-
have your
steadily
your
personality (other subselves), and to...
-
respect your and your partner's
needs, feelings, opinions, and
rights equally,
despite any age, wisdom, gender, and role differences. Typical
shame-based (wounded) adults have trouble doing this, which is not the teen's
fault!
If a false self reacts to your teen's disrespect with blame,
and/or equates it with "badness" (inferi-ority), good communication outcomes are unlikely.
Significantly disrespectful behavior in
any child
sug-gests they're used to
feeling disrespected (shamed) themselves.
Response Strategy
-
Read this
article to raise your awareness of respect (in general);
-
Stay aware that
demanding respect ("because
I'm your parent") is a self-defeating
which will
increase the child's frustration, confusion,
guilt, and resentment. Like love and trust,
respect can only be
earned
- not demanded!
-
Stay aware of the
you and the teen exchange
in important situations.
If you don't honestly feel respect for the child as an equally-worthy
person, change your attitude!
-
Coach yourself to
be aware of your (subselves')
reaction to teen (or any) disrespect. Often, your
get
upset, and their
may
disable your Self (capital "S").
-
Steadily model the ideas
above and these communication tips, and
acknowledge any improve-ments (like more frequent respect)
-
Avoid blaming, scorning,
criticizing, punishing, or labeling the teen for her or his
disrespectful attitude. It's self-defeating! Instead, use
respectful "I"-messages (e.g. "Alex, when you use a
sarcastic tone of voice with me, I feel hurt and
resentful.")
-
Ask the teen to identify peers and adults
s/he respects and disrespects now, and ask why. Dis-tinguish between
liking and respecting. Then discuss what's
needed to earn the respect of another person - and
honestly
discuss if your behavior merits the child's respect. If not,
suspect a false self is ruling you, and work to change that (Lesson
1).
-
Experiment with firm eye contact and calm
respectful
like...
"(Name), when you
(factually describe their behavior/s),
I feel
disrespected and hurt, and
it's hard for me to respect your feelings and needs..." Optionally, add...
"...and I need you to
(describe the specific new behavior you need)."
Expect "resistance"
(arguments, denials, explanations, whining, attacks, sullenness, etc), Use
respectful
empathic listening to respond, and repeat your I-message as often as nee-ded until you
(a) get
genuine agreement, (b) shift to win-win problem-solving or
(c) run out of time or energy.
If your version of this communication strategy doesn't reduce the teen's disrespectful behaviors over
time, s/he may be shame-based.
Consider these
options for
relating to a
child. They apply to any
child, not just teens.
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings
now. Does this response-strategy seem practical? Are you
motivated to try it? If not, who's reading this article - your true Self, or
"someone else"?
PROBLEM 2) Adolescent Self-centeredness,
Arrogance, and Lack of
Empathy
Compare your normal reaction to these irritating behaviors with three
strategies...
2A) Teen Self-centeredness /
Selfishness / "Egotism"
All young kids need sensitive, patient adult encouragement
and coaching to shift from natural self-centeredness to healthy, stable mutual awareness and concern.
Some kids take longer than others to achieve and stabilize
this shift - specially if they're raised in a low-nurturance
family.
Two basic response-options to a self-centered teen (or
adult) are to...
-
condemn them as bad, insensitive, selfish,
and arrogant or the like, or to...
-
feel
compassion
for their woundedness, denied
and lack of
knowledge and awareness. None of these are under their control
The first response
will increase the child's inner pain and barriers
between you two, like disrespect, distrust, and
dislike. The second response is easiest when you're steadily
by your
Which is your usual response to a self-centered child or
adult? If it's the
first one, the problem is with you, not the child. See
Response Strategy
-
With your Self (capital "S")
guiding your personality,
get clear on
what attitude and behavior you expect from the teen.
If s/he has not developed a spontaneous mutual-awareness
attitude and behavior yet, model and encourage that but
don't expect it.
Don't assume
that attaining such awareness comes "automatically" with
being certain age. It doesn't.
-
Avoid
criticizing or scorning the child by using judgmental
labels like ("You are so...") selfish,
egotistical, full of yourself, and self-centered. Disparaging labels usually mean (a) a narrow-visioned
(b) you're teaching the child to label themselves and
people, and (c) increasing
relationship problems!
-
When the child's attitude
and/or behavior bothers you significantly, experiment
with a genuine (vs. strategic)
attitude, friendly eye contact, and a two or three-part
assertive
like this:
"(Name),
when you need to
focus mainly on yourself instead of including me too,
I
feel hurt, disrespected, and frustrated and
I don't feel
like [talking to / being with] you."
Calmly expect "resistance," and use respectful
and re-assertion as often as needed
until you feel well-heard, or
your time or energy runs out.
"(Name), I'm feeling
ignored and outside your bubble now (and I need to feel
you care as much about my needs and feelings as your
own.)" Then use empathic listening and re-assertion
as needed.
If you do this, beware of
- i.e. the teen's "caring about your needs and feelings"
has to be spontaneous, rather than expected,
requested, or demanded.
Option - ask the teen
what awareness bubble s/he feels you usually create in
calm and stressful situations. Work to maintain mutual
two-person bubbles with everyone, in impor-tant
situations.
How do you normally react to this vexing behavior:
2B) Teen Arrogance
Try
defining (a) arrogance out loud now, and (b) what the opposite
of arrogance is. Would anyone who knows you describe you
as "arrogant"? Were you taught that arrogance is "bad" or
"negative"? One way to think of arrogance is as a mix of
egotism
(self-absorption and superiority) +
aggressiveness
(my needs come first) + lack empathy and of social
and self knowledge. How do you distinguish
arrogance from healthy
self-confidence?
|
Premise - chronic arrogance indicates significant
false-self wounds + a low-nurturance child-hood. Where true,
the
child isn't responsible for either of these - their ancestors are.
Implication - it's
pointless and perhaps abusive to criticize a child for an arrogant attitude.
Doing so will probably in-crease their
and unhealthy (false-self) coping strategies
- like
distorting reality, numbing, and addictions.
|
Response Strategy
A more effective approach is...
-
see an arrogant teen
compassionately as insecure, wounded, unaware, and in
protective denial; and...
-
having the same human worth
and rights as you do;
and then...
-
use firm, respectful
"I"-messages to state factually (a) how the child's
arrogant attitude and beha-viors affect you, and (b) what
you need from her or him. That can sound like this (with
steady, re-spectful eye contact):
"(Name), Your face, body,
and words suggest that you feel [superior to / wiser
than / 1-up / more important than me] now (or often).
Some people call that attitude 'arrogance.'
"When
you need to feel that, I have a hard time wanting to
[hear / be with / pay attention to] you."
Option
- ask "Are you OK with me giving you respectful
feedback when you seem to
feel arrogant?" and/or "Would you be open to discussing
this with me some time?" Then...
-
Expect
"resistances" like denials, justifications,
hostility, disrespect, resentment, blame, etc., and
respond calmly
to each one with a brief
without
comment. Avoid bringing up the past or other
relationship issues. Option - ask the child to
give you a hearing check to see what s/he heard,
and affirm or correct that as needed.
For more
options, see the strategy for responding effectively to
teen disrespect.
Continue
with communication strategies for eight adult - teen problems...
Prior page /
Lesson-2 links
site intro /
course overview
/
site search
/
definitions
/
chat /
contact
/
Updated
September 08, 2010
|
