The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/kids.htm
Excessive
Teen Silences,
Evasions, and/or "I
don't know," continued from p. 3
Response Strategy
Tailor these options to
fit your style, personality, and situation. Then experiment with
them, and note the results...
-
Check to see if your
Self is
guiding you. If not, defer responding to the child until your
Self is firmly in charge, to avoid upsetting the teen and
damaging your relationship;
-
If you feel this exchange is
urgent, request and make steady eye contact, and calmly
assert your immediate
in a few sentences -
e.g. to give or get critical information, and/or cause some
specific action.
Then ask the child to say back what they heard from you
(give you a "hearing check"). If it's correct, then
continue to say what you need, one or two sentences at a
time - and keep asking for hearing checks. Keep your points clear,
simple, calm, and direct. If you have trouble doing so,
suspect a false self is ruling you, and take
-
Review the differences between
adults and
teens (or preteens), and these
premises;
-
See if you honestly
feel your needs and the child's needs are equally valid and
important, unless you have an emergency. If you
don't feel they're equal, a
probably controls you now.
-
specifically
what you need now from the teen, and guesstimate (and/or
ask) what s/he needs now (a) from you and (b)
otherwise. Be prepared for "I don't know.";
-
Remind yourself that
silence is a communication. It
implies meanings, so avoid thinking or saying "s/he (the
child) wouldn't talk to me." What is the teen's face and
body language expressing right now?"
-
Decide if you need
to observe or assert something, and/or use empathic
listening. If you do, seek friendly eye contact and
ask if the teen is open to some noncritical feedback now. Be
prepared for "No," pretense, or ambivalence. Your feedback is meant
to raise the teen's awareness, not to ma-nipulate, shame, or
criticize. It might sound like...
"(Name), when you're
not able or willing to (vs. ..when you
won't...") answer me or tell me what you feel and
need, I feel uneasy / concerned / frustrated (or
whatever). I hope you're OK ( vs. "Are you OK?")"
"(Name), when you
don't ( vs. 'won't') answer my question, I feel
frustrated and concerned (or whatever). Are you
able to tell me if you feel unsafe to answer me now?"
Keep your Self
in charge, and try
if you get a nod, "Uh huh," or "Yes."
"(Name), you look /
seem troubled / anxious / uneasy / uncomfortable / angery
/ (or whatever)."
Don't comment, moralize,
instruct, or question - just factually describe what you
observe - briefly. Then be quiet and watch and
listen to the child with an open mind. Doing this to elicit
some behavior from the teen is manipulative and
disrespectful, and will probably in-crease communication problems.
-
Option - Tell a brief
story about your own childhood or when a sibling or other
child needed to avoid talking to an adult. Neutrally
describe what the young person felt and needed, and
illustrate why they couldn't or wouldn't talk then. Try not
to moralize or lecture - the story will illustrate your
points!
In case this seems like a lot to remember - it IS! Like all new
habits, as you practice your version of these options, they'll
become automatic. Notice that most of these options work equally
well (to fill your needs) with adults who "don't talk, "clam
up," and "stonewall." Are there such adults in your life now?
How have you been responding to them?
Pause, stretch, and breathe. What are you aware of now? Recall
that we're reviewing effective-com-munication strategies with
typical teens.
PROBLEM 7)
Excessive
Teen Defiance or "Rebellion"
How would you describe to rebel and defy to an average preteen? If the child asked you "Why
do people rebel?" what would you say? Can you think of
rebels that you empathize with and respect? Think of rebels that you
don't respect? Have you ever rebelled against and/or defied someone or something? Why? How did that affect your
self esteem and your relationship?
A "rebellious" or "defiant"
child may be trying to fill several
unspoken needs because s/he does-n't know any
alternatives. S/He may also be experimenting with the
growing quest for independence and freedom.
Some older teens are unconsciously trying to create a
contentious environment causing their adults to force
them to leave home (and they can gain desired independence.
Many "rebellious" teens are protesting (a) "unfair" or "stupid"
parental rules and consequences, and/ or (b) the way the rules
and consequences are presented and enforced (e.g.
disrespectfully, sarcastical-ly. autocratically, punitively,
vaguely, inconsistently, scornfully, etc.)
This is likely when parents don't accept their teen's growing
knowledge or abilities, are overscared or possessive, and don't
trust the child's judgment. Wounded parents are often too
restrictive of teens because they fear others' opinion of their
parenting values or abilities.
Unjustified adult distrust can lower typical teen's
security, openness, cooperation, and self esteem. In a
low-nurturance home, too much adult trust can be interpreted as
"They don't know or care about me." Excessive distrust and worry
can occur with fear-based (wounded), unaware adults.
Some "defiant" teens are trying to express repressed hurt,
resentment, frustration, and/or
anger at someone or something, and no one has taught them more
effective ways to do so. This is specially like-ly if they have
lost something of great value (like their familiar
child-identity, social role, and body), and they're in the
normal anger phase of grieving their losses. Kids in
low-nurturance (e.g.
divorcing) families have a LOT to be hurt and angery about!
Another factor may be hormonal. Male teens are
struggling to adapt to an alien growth spurt of testosterone and
a new adult-male body and voice, and girls are trying to adapt to new
hormonal and emotional conditions related to the onset of
menstruation.
Over-busy, unaware, wounded adults may overlook or minimize a
child's needs to experientially
test several
things after a significant
change to their home and/or family. Common changes are
the adoption or conception and birth of a new child, a school
graduation, a parent or sib leaving home, a parental or grandparental divorce
or death, a geographic move, a new school, a financial or
environmental disaster, etc. Kids need to test to learn...
-
"Does anyone care about me?
Understand me?"
-
"Who's in charge of our home and
family - anyone?"
-
"How much power do I
have?"
-
"Are my adults going to follow
up on the consequences they set?"
-
"Who's most important to our
adults now among us siblings and cousins?"
-
Is my family safe?
Am I safe?"
-
Is anything else going to
change?
Finally, chronically defiant and/or violent teens may have felt
unloved, unwanted, and disrespected as a younger child, and are
gaining adolescent confidence in their ability to protest
or reject parental neglect, superiority, ineffective discipline, and/or
abuse.
Do you remember trying to answer questions like these when you
were a teen? Were you rebellious or defiant in
someone's opinion? Yes or no, how can you respond effectively
to such a teen? Compare the following options to your present
way of responding...
Response Strategy
-
Accept full responsibility for
(a) keeping your true Self in charge of your other
subselves, and (b) keeping a steady attitude of mutual
respect. Without
these, the rest of these options probably won't help satisfy
your needs.
-
Refresh yourself on the
general
and specific differences between adults (you) and teens,
and on common
-
Pay attention to your breathing
and voice level. Shallow breathing and speaking loudly
and/or interrupting the teen signals that a false-self has
taken you over. S-l-o-w d-o-w-n!
-
Invest time in
identifying specifically what you want from the teen, situationally or
generally;
-
Accept that you cannot ask or
demand the teen to "change your defiant attitude" because it is
usually an emotional false-self reflex, not a willful
choice. Expecting the teen to change is unre-alistic, and will
usually breed (more) frustration, resentment, guilt, and
distance.
-
One of the most
impactful things you can do with any
"defiant" (or highly emotional) person is respectful empathic listening.
Put your own needs aside temporarily, seek
comfortable eye contact, and periodically say back a brief
summary of what you hear and see the teen doing, saying, and not
saying. That sounds like "So you think / need / want /
believe / hope (whatever)." Then BE QUIET, watch, and listen,
without
judgment.
Don't
question, comment, lecture, or change the subject;
and see what the child does. Doing this several times in a
row will often bring the child's
E(motion)-level down "be-low the ears," and allow her or him to
hear
you and possibly problem-solve with you.
-
Review the possible reasons for
the teen's "rebellion" (above), and
check your attitude. If
you're judging the teen as "bad," "wrong," or "selfish," or
"disrespectful," your face, body, and voice will broadcast that
1-up judgment and degrade your relationship and
communication.
A better option is to empathically view the teen as a newborn colt or
eagle (i.e. a new-ly "hatched" adult) trying to
understand and adapt to his or her strange new body and
world. Part of the teen's lack of knowledge is how to...
-
current
primary needs,
-
them respectfully,
-
listen empathically,
-
stay focused, and..
-
effectively.
Your long-term job
is to patiently learn, model, and teach those vital skills,
and to guide and affirm the child's progress. Can you
do that yet?
-
Review the child's recent life,
and guesstimate
whether s/he has
something of value. If so,
re-view your family's
and evaluate how well the teen is grieving her/his
losses (broken bonds).
Stay aware that (a) the child may prize something that you
wouldn't, and that (b) you may assume s/he knows how to
grieve well, and has
to grieve - when s/he doesn't. For more perspective,
see
-
Be alert for
and
Typical teens don't know what they are, or how to articulate
what they need. Both these universal stressors can cause
frustration and con-fusion, which may come across as
"defiance," irritation, frustration, or aggression. Do you
know how to solve each of these stressors? If so, are you
teaching the solutions to your children?
-
If the teen's
rebellion relates to discipline (limits and consequence) issues, seek
to understand whether teen is protesting (a) some rules
and/or consequences, or (b) the
you're declaring or enforcing the rules and consequences
(e.g. disrespectfully, vaguely, inconsistently,
sarcastically, aggressively,...). Option - get honest
feedback on this from someone who knows you both pretty
well.
-
If your teen's defiant attitudes
and behaviors provoke arguments or fights, see
strategy #5.
-
If your teen's parents are
check to see how s/he's progressing with these family
adjust-ment needs. Legal
or psychological divorce usually indicates one or both
parents are significantly wounded and unaware, and the teen
may have been raised in a
low-nurturance family.
-
If your teen is a stepchild,
select among these
options.
-
If your version of these options
doesn't reduce the teen's defiant attitude, (a) review these
general suggestions, and (b) consider hiring a
family-systems therapist or consultant. Excessive defiance
may indicate a bigger problem among your family members.
Pause and reflect - do these response-options to teen rebellion
seem useful and practical? How do they compare with your usual
responses? Once again, notice the main themes - mutual respect,
empa-thy for your adult/child differences, communication awareness and
skills, and identifying and filling primary needs.
PROBLEM 8)
"Duality" - Childish
&
Adult Behaviors
As adolescence progresses, teens shift from child to childish adult
to young adult. Ideally this
multi-year shift results in caregivers supporting the young
adult as s/he prepares to leave home to live indepen-dently. The
challenge here is for adults to accept that for an unknown time,
the young person will act childish one moment, and adult the
next
In important situations, this normal "duality" requires adults
to be aware of who they're talking with at the moment - a child
in the teen's body, or a young adult. As you've seen,
communicating effectively with kids can be significantly
different than with adults. Do you have a way of
relating to two people in one teen body? How well does it work, in
important and stressful situations?
It can help to remember that as a teen slowly shifts toward
adulthood over several years, family adults' authority and
control shift toward influence.
Response Strategy
-
The best thing you
can do with significant duality is empathize with, not
shame, the teen verbally or nonverbally for being
childish or behaviorally inconsistent - because s/he still
is a child! If you scorn the child
for acting "juvenile" or equivalent, your face, eyes, and
body will leak your superior attitude, and will promote the
child feeling guilty and ashamed of who s/he is. Lose-lose!
-
Consider talking openly about
your own (confusing / exciting?) child-to-adult transition, and
asking the child if s/he feels respected enough recently by
you and other family adults as s/he shifts. Did you? A sense of humor
can be a great help here!
Option - if one or more
grandparents, aunts, or uncles are open to it, ask
them to tell the teen about their transition from child to
adult, and how that compares to modern transitions.
-
Option - ask the teen to
describe what it feels like to go from child to adult so
far, and how s/he will know when she has attained
stable adulthood. Be prepared for "I don't know."
Respectful dialog is better than expecting or
demanding a clear answer. This is like someone asking you
"How will you know when you're 'old'?"
-
Ask the teen to say whether some
of her or his same-age friends are adults yet - and how s/he
judges that. Ask how her or his friends' parents are
handling the shift.
-
Avoid assuming that
a teen magically becomes a functioning adult at age 18, or
when he or she is able to have sexual intercourse.
More realistically, define your specific criteria for "adult
man or woman" and patiently encourage the teen to meet the
criteria at his or her own pace. How old were you when you
knew you really were an adult? Usually that occurs gradually
over many years - yes?
-
If either of you feel confused
about what the teen needs or expects from you during this
gradual shift - ask! That might sound like "How can I
help you make the shift from child to adult?" Then
listen. The child may not be able to articulate
"respect," "genuine empathy," "patience," and "guidance" and
"affirmation." Could you have said those things to your
family adults as an older teen?
-
Ask other family adults about
how they feel about the teen becoming sexually active. Adult
awk-wardness or anxiety about this can be misunderstood by
teens as scorn or displeasure - which can increase their
confusion, reactivity, guilt, and secrecy.
Some parents -
specially Dads - have difficulty admitting their daughters
are able to conceive a child, and are no longer "my little
girl." This major loss merits healthy grieving - and
celebration!
Bottom line - acknowledge
the teen's "duality" period with empathy, and talk
openly about it - including changing expectations,
responsibilities, and family roles. Enjoy affirming the
teens' gradual progress towards adulthood, and your own role
in helping them make the transition safely.
Special Considerations for Divorcing-family and Stepfamily
Adults
Typical teens whose parents are
divorcing, courting, or
committed to a new partner (i.e. a steppar-ent) have many
special adjustment needs - and
so do their siblings and adults. These special needs can affect communication
among all family adults and kids. These adjustment needs are concurrent with
kids' normal developmental
needs, and can feel overwhelming if the adults aren't
offering sensitive, informed support and guidance.
Each family and child is unique - and there are themes you
should be alert for in communica-ting with such kids:
Divorce strongly suggests that mates, their ancestors, and their
kids are significantly
wounded
and
unaware.
This usually means they have trouble communicating effectively
inside and outside the family.
Review these
options for relating to
wounded kids.
Parental separation,
divorce, and
stepfamily formation
cause many
tangible and
invisible losses (broken bonds).
Accepting and adapting to them requires a steady
environment for
kids and adults. That's why
exists here. Often, adults mistake grief for depression, and
try to medicate it. Expert family grief counseling is far
more helpful - ideally with someone who understands child-devel-opment,
divorce, and
stepfamilies (Lesson 7).
Kids and adults in divorcing and
step
families are more apt to be confused
and anxious about the many changes in their lives. These can
span a new
family structure, roles, rules, rituals, perhaps a new home and
locale, new schools, churches, and boundaries, new and
altered relationships, new personal and
family identity -
and all these changes are happening at once.
Members of typical divorcing and step families are particularly
vulnerable to many stressful concur-rent
conflicts and relationship triangles.
Few wounded, unaware adults and no kids know how to recog-nize
and manage these three relationship dynamics.
Suggestion - in communicating with member of these (and
all low-nurturance families and
organiza-tions, make sure
you know how to recognize and manage each of these stressors.
Can you do so yet?
Bottom line - consistently
with
kids of all ages is a high-reward challenge. Effective
communication with preteens and teens in divorcing and step
families can be specially challen-ging!
Recap
This article
exists because our ancestors and society haven't taught average
adults how to commu-nicate effectively - in general, and with typical children.
Effective parenting relies partly on adults' ability to communicate "well" and
teaching that ability to their kids and grandkids.
The article proposes (a) a
definition of effective communication, (b) key adult-child
differences that affect communications
with all kids,
pre-teens, and typical teens; and (c) sample strategies to deal with eight
common adult-teen communication problems. It ends with several
useful themes for communicating with kids in divorcing and step
families.
Keys
to effective communication with kids are...
-
keeping
your true Self
in charge of your personality (Lesson 1),
-
learning to apply
effective-communication basics
and seven specific
(Lesson 2); and...
-
staying aware of
the major differences between adults and kids in calm
and conflictual situations.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did
you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
