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This is one of 150+ Web articles about improving personal, relationship, and family health and satisfac-tions. This brief introduction describes the site's pur-pose, author, and the best ways to use this information. Each article is part of a mosaic of related ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.        This article is one of a series describing effective thinking, communicating, and problem-solving concepts. The series summarizes seven learnable communication (relationship) skills that are essential for building high-nurturance relationships and resolving internal and social conflicts effectively.         The practical guidebook Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key Lesson-2 Web articles and re-sources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many useful resources.                 Before continuing, stop and reflect - why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        Adults growing effective thinking and communication skills together is a vital requisite for high-nur-turance families and relationships. Average adults and all kids lack these skills, and endure frequent frus-trations and conflicts as a result.

        Typical adults (like you?) don't know what they need to know about this vital social skill. Lesson 2 in this stress-prevention Web site provides what average lay and professional people need to learn, and an-swers the questions below. Links in these questions lead to brief answers and more detailed information.  These items assume you're familiar with Lesson-1 concepts about personality subselves.

  Questions you should ask about effective communication

1)  Is there an overview of communication basics in this Web site? Yes

2)  What are "interpersonal communications"?

3)  What are "innerpersonal communications?"

4)  Why do we communicate?

5)  What the are the two essentials for effective (vs. "good") communications?

6)  What is an "R message," and why can it make or break any communication?

7)  What can I do to improve the effectiveness of my verbal communications?

8)  Is it possible to not communicate with someone in a relationship? No!

9)  What are the three concurrent ways ("channels") we all use to decode "meaning" from each others' behaviors?

10)  What's a double or mixed message, and what causes them?
 

11)  What are the four kinds of messages we unconsciously decode from each other all the time (over each of our three channels)?

12)  What are the seven communication skills I (and anyone) can use to meet my social needs?

13)  What are the five types of conflict I can experience, and how can I and my partner/s resolve each of them?

14)  What do most people do instead of effective problem solving?

15)  What causes my "mind-racing or churning," and can I reduce it?

16)  How can I learn more about my non-verbal communication habits?

17)  What's an "E(motion)-level," and how does it affect my communication effectiveness?

18)  What are relationship ''boundaries,'' and how can I assert mine effectively?

19)  What's the difference between a surface need and a primary need, and why should I care?

20)  What's the difference between a request and a demand - and why should I care?

21)  How can I become more confident and skilled at asking for what I need?

22)  What's the difference between assertion and aggression?

23)  What's the difference between verbal abuse and aggression?

24)  What is communication-process ''mapping,'' and why is it useful?

25)  Do typical males and females communicate differently? If so, why should I care?

26)  How can I learn to give effective feedback to others?

27)  What are communication sequences and patterns - and why are they important?

28)  What may I be doing that blocks effective communication with important others?

29)  How can I improve my communication outcomes in general, and with typical minor kids?

30)  What is a "Be spontaneous!" communication paradox, and why do they harm relation-ships?

31)  What are my communication options with an adult or child who won't tell me what they think or feel?

32)  Why is it often harder to communicate effectively with the people who mean the most?

33)  What are "self talk and "inner-voice dialogs," and why are they valuable?

34) Can I get all this information in one place? Yes - from these links and the Lesson-2 guidebook - Satisfactions - 7 Relationship Skills You Need to Know (xlibris.com, 2002)

35)  What are some other useful books on effective communication skills?

 If you don't see your question here, please ask!

Q2 & Q8)  What is "interpersonal communication," and  Is it possible to not communicate with someone?

       Interpersonal communication occurs when any perceived behavior or lack of behavior in one person causes an emo-tional, physical, mental, or spiritual change in another person. Because silence ("no response") is often assumed to mean something, there is no such thing as "We can't communicate" or "S/He didn't answer me."

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Q3)  What are "innerpersonal communications?" They are the thought streams, images, memories, hunches, intuitions, "senses," day and night dreams, fantasies, physical and emotional feelings, and knowings that kids and adults have all the time. These can be seen as communications among the dif-ferent subselves comprising our personality, our body, and our spirit or soul. Normal people (like you) have inner conversations all the time!

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Q4)  Why do we communicate?  Adults, kids, and infants try to fill two or more of these needs by communicating:

• To feel respected by ourselves and our partners now and over time (a constant); and to...

• Give or get information (so we can understand and make informed choices), and/or we need to...

• Cause change (and feel impactful, vs. powerless) and/or to...

• Vent - i.e. to feel empathically understood and accepted) and/or we need to...

• Create excitement (avoid boredom and numbness); and/or to....

• Avoid discomfort, like a social silence, conflict, or a painful awareness.

Our local mix of these communication needs aims to fill our current needs for enough current emotional, physical, and spiritual comfort. Personal and relationship problems are unfilled needs - i.e. discomforts.

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Q5)  What the are the two essentials for effective (vs. "good") communications? They are:

each person feeling they got enough of their current communication and other needs met...

in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about (a) themselves, (b) each other, and (c) the recent process between them. For example - lying may get the first essential, but not the second.

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Q6 & Q11)  What four messages do we unconsciously decode from each other all the time? and What is a "R(espect) message," and why can it make or break any communication?

        The four messages are: "Here and now,...

• I need..."; and...

• I feel..."; and...

• I think...", and...

• my attitude about you and me is...
  
  "1-up" (my current needs, feelings, and opinions are more important than yours), or...
  
  "1-down" (they're less important than yours), or...
  
  "=/="  (they're just as important as yours.") 

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Q9)  What are the three concurrent channels we all use to decode "meaning" from each others' perceived behaviors?

        They are...

words (verbal channel - estimated to convey under 10% of the spoken meaning we decode!)

voice dynamics - (paraverbal channel): voice tone, inflection, tempo, accent, intonation, pace, and volume; estimated to provide ~25% of the meaning we decode; and the...

non-verbal channel: (facial expression + body posture and movement + eye contact + touch + smell) provide most of the meaning we decode from face-to-face interpersonal communica-tion. They provide even more for pre-verbal kids!

In normal conversation, we unconsciously decode meaning from each of these dynamic channels simulta-neously.

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Q10)  What is a double or mixed message, and what causes them?

       Double or mixed messages occur when we perceive that the meaning on one channel (e.g. the words we hear) contradicts the meaning on another channel (e.g. what we see). Example: "I love you!" / "Don't touch me."

        Such self-contradicting messages leave us feeling uncertain, uneasy, and doubting our own percep-tions and/or the sender's true feelings, intentions, and/or needs. Sending chronic mixed messages is a sure sign of false self dominance. Denial of doing this is another sign.

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Q12)  What are the seven communication skills I  can use to meet my personal and social needs?

        Before continuing, can you name them? Most adults can't, regardless of maturity and formal educa-tion. The skills are...

• Awareness - paying non-judgmental attention to up to 30+ communication (relationship) dynamics; and...

• Clear (vs. fuzzy) thinking - (a) developing and using a wide, descriptive vocabulary, and  (b) inten-tionally avoiding...

vague, ambivalent words and phrases, like this thing, that, it, them, then, you know, those people, stuff, issue, and avoiding...

"hand-grenade" words and phrases which are emotionally "explosive" - like rape, abuse, stupid, insensitive, childish, selfish, bigot, weak, chauvinist, whore, Nigger, Kike, Raghead, Slant, Frog, fanatic, redneck, incompetent...);

and clear thinking uses awareness skill to avoid...

not focusing, and defocusing (changing the subject before finishing the current topic).

• Digging down below surface (secondary) "problems" (unfilled needs) to the primary needs under-neath them.

• Metatalk - talking objectively and factually together about how we're communicating, in order to identify current and chronic communication blocks;

        Three more essential communication skills are...

• Empathic listening - periodically summarizing what we perceive the sender thinks, feels, means, and needs without comments or questions. Doing this does not mean we agree with the speaker!;

• Assertion - (a) being clear on our personal rights, (b) stating our current needs and opinions clear-ly, directly, and respectfully, in a way that our partner can hear, and (c) handling expected resistan-ces with empathic listening before firmly restating our needs or opinions; and...

• Problem solving or conflict resolution - identifying each other's needs and brainstorming mutually-satisfying (win-win) solutions as teammates. Effectiveness at problem-solving grows with fluency with all six other skills if your true Self steadily guides your personality.

        Could you name these seven skills before reading this? If not, you're probably not using them! Does "Most people don't know what they need to know about communicating" seem more credible now?

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More answers to questions you should ask about effective communication

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Updated  February 14, 2010