Unaware asserters
can lower their odds for meeting everyone's needs by using provocative "you" messages,
like "You
always / never / need to /..." Depending on voice tone and body
language, these are often received as
disrespectful
criticisms. This usually raises the receiver's
E(motion)-level, which blocks
effective
listening and
win-win
problem solving.
A
better alternative is to use sincere (vs. manipulative) "I"
messages to assert your need or opinion. These assertions describe what you are an expert on:
your
perceptions, feelings, values, and needs.
"I" messages have two or
three parts:
"When you... (describe some
specific behavior that could be recorded on audio or video tape),
"... I..." (summarize
factually how that behavior affects you, without name-calling,
lecturing, or criticism)...
(optional) "... and I need
you to (commit to making a specific attitude and/or behavior change.)"
This sounds like "Alex, when you interrupt me frequently,
I feel disrespected and distracted, and
want to stop talking with you.
I need
you to be more aware of interrupting, and to let me finish before you
respond."
Avoid bringing up the past,
lecturing, and/or elaborating on the
last 22 times your partner has done (whatever).
Keep it simple!
Guidelines:
limit your descriptions to behaviors
that could be recorded on audio or
video tape, like a reporter or scientist; and...
avoid using labels,
provocative words, accusations, and
vague or general terms ("When you're so selfish and insensitive all the time...")
Well-composed, "I" messages - delivered calmly, with
steady, respectful eye contact - have a better chance of being received
as information vs. criticism. This is less likely if the receiving
person is shame-based (wounded). With all assertions,
use respectful empathic listening to affirm your partner's responses, and
demonstrate that you heard (vs. agree with) them.
When
you finish here, try this "I"-message worksheet
to raise your awareness and effectiveness.
Recall the four kinds of assertion: self-nurturing, preventive,
reactive, and praise. Let's look at the last one now...
Assert "Dodge-proof" Praise
Have you ever complimented someone who ignored, deflected, or minimized
your praise?
("Ah, I was just lucky, Anyone could've done that.")
Shame-based (wounded) people automatically diminish or "dodge" sincere praise because
narrow-focused subselves feel (a) it isn't deserved, and/or (b) accepting
the praise would risk big trouble (e.g. excessive guilt from having a "swelled head"
or "being "egotistical" or "self-cen-tered."
A
mutually-pleasing communication option is to
use...
to express genuine (vs.
dutiful or strategic)
praise that can't easily be shrugged off. For example:
"Maria,
when you got your friends to wash the dishes, put
them away, and take the trash out after your slumber party (specific
recordable actions),...
I
felt considered, respected, and relieved I didn't have to do those chores
(concrete effect on your
life)...
Thank you
for your thoughtfulness!
If Maria tries to deflect, minimize, or nullify your praise ("Ah, no big
deal"), use empathic listening...
"You don't feel you all doing those courtesies are special."...
then patiently reassert your praise with friendly eye contact.
Notice the difference between this way of
expressing specific praise and saying something vague (or a negative compliment) like "Hey, thanks for not leaving
your usual mess!"
Experiment with asserting merited praise and affirmations - specially with
people who fear, distrust, or disrespect you - and notice what happens over
time. Three keys:
don't do this to "get something" (strategic, vs.
genuine praise), other than feeling good;
use steady eye contact, and...
don't expect satisfaction
unless your Self
leads your
other subselves and the other person is undistracted and can hear you
- i.e. their
E-level is
"below their ears."
For more perspective, read about giving other people
feedback after you finish this article.
Notice with interest what your subselves are
saying now about learning to assert dodge-proof
praise and enjoying the results. Think of people you might like asserting
"dodge-proof" praise to now. Is there anything in the way of your
experimenting with doing so?
We've covered a lot, here, so pause, reflect, and take a...
Status Check
See where you stand now on these ideas. "T" = "true; "F" - false; and "?" = "I'm not
sure," or "it depends on (what?)"
I think of myself as an
assertive person now (T F ?)
I can clearly describe the
difference between assertion, aggression, and submission to an average
teenager now (T F
?)
I can describe how assertion
relates to the skill of
problem-solving now. (T F ?)
I can name the
four kinds of
assertion now. (T F ?)
I can describe the three parts
of an assertive "I" message, and the (common) alternative to "I"
messages. (T F ?)
I'm clear on the difference
between a
request and a demand now. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe what an
interpersonal
boundary is to a typical pre-teen. (T F ?)
I regularly use my own
Personal Bill of Rights as the basis for my
assertions; or I'm evolving my Bill now, and learning to live
by it without guilt, anxiety, and/or shame. (T F ?)
I can
(a) clearly define
empathic listening, and (b) I know how and when to use it in
my assertions. (T
F ?)
I
(a) can describe what
R(espect) messages are, and I (b) know how they relate to making effective assertions (T
F ?)
I'm intentionally coaching each
minor child in my life to be an effective asserter and communicator now (T
F ?)
I'm
firmly motivated to
improve the
effectiveness of my assertions now; or if not, I know what's
in the way (T F ?)
My
true Self just answered these questions (T F ?)
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you aware of now?
The goals of
Lesson 2 are for your adults to
(a)
learn and adapt seven effective-communication
skills to your
personalities and communication
styles, and (b) each become fluent in
using the skills to improve
everyonefilling more of
their current
primary needs effectively.
My unique, practical guidebook for Lesson 2
integrates the key Web materials here:Satisfactions
- 7 relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed., 2010).
Recap
This article outlines one of seven powerful communication (relationship)
skills that every adult and child needs to become adept at: effective
assertion. Until people evolve fluency and confidence with these skills,
they're often submissive ("I'm 1-down"), or aggressive ("I'm 1-up") in
declaring their opinions, boundaries, and needs. Effective assertion is essential for
win-win problem solving.
This two-page article proposes 8 specific
steps for composing and
delivering effective assertions. Three keys to doing this
are (a) prepare well, (b) get very clear on what you really need from the other person, and (c) calmly
handle expected resistances with
respectful empathic listening + firm re-assertion, until you feel
heard well enough (vs. agreed with) or you shift into
problem solving.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
Assertive
When
you finish here, try this "I"-message 
