Assertive
"I" Messages
Unaware asserters
can lower their odds for meeting everyone's needs by using provocative "you" mes-sages,
like "You
always / never / need to /..." Depending on voice tone and body
language, these are often received as
disrespectful
criticisms. This usually raises the receiver's
which blocks
effective
listening and
win-win
problem solving.
A
better alternative is to use sincere (vs. manipulative) "I"
messages to assert your need or opinion. These assertions describe what you are an expert on:
your
perceptions, feelings, values, and needs.
"I" messages have two or
three parts:
"When you... (describe some
specific behavior that could be recorded on audio or video tape),
"... I..." (summarize
factually how that behavior affects you, without name-calling or
criti-cism)...
(optional) "... and I need
you to (commit to making a specific attitude and/or behavior change.)"
This sounds like "Alex, when you interrupt me frequently,
I feel disrespected and distracted, and
want to stop talking with you.
I need
you to be more aware of interrupting, and to let me finish before you
respond."
Avoid bringing up the past,
lecturing, and/or elaborating on the
last 22 times your partner has done (whatever).
Keep it simple!
Guidelines:
-
limit your descriptions to behaviors
that could be recorded on audio or
video tape, like a reporter or scientist; and...
-
avoid using labels,
provocative words, accusations, and
vague or general terms ("When you're so selfish and insensitive all the time...")
|
Well-composed, sincere "I" messages - delivered calmly, with
steady, respectful eye contact - have a better chance of being received
as information vs. criticism. This is less likely if the receiving
person is shame-based. With all assertions,
use respectful
to affirm your partner's responses, and
demonstrate that you heard (vs. agree with) them. |
Try this "I"-message worksheet to raise
your awareness and effectiveness...
Now let's look at the fourth type of assertion...
"Dodge-proof" Praise
Have you ever complimented someone who ignored, deflected, or minimized
your praise?
("Ah, I was just lucky, Anyone could've done that.")
Shame-based (wounded) people automatically diminish or "dodge" sincere praise because
narrow-focused subselves feel (a) it isn't deserved, and/or (b) accepting
the praise would risk big trouble (e.g. excessive guilt from having a "swelled head"
or "being "egotistical" or "self-cen-tered."
A
mutually-pleasing communication option is to
use...
a mutual-respect attitude and...
a two-person
and...
a
thoughtful I-message, and...
empathic listening, (if needed)...
to express genuine (vs.
dutiful or strategic)
praise that can't easily be shrugged off. For example:
-
"Maria,
when you got your friends to wash the dishes, put
them away, and take the trash out after your slumber party (specific
recordable actions),...
-
I
felt considered, respected, and relieved I didn't have to do those chores
(concrete effect on your
life)...
-
Thank you
for your thoughtfulness!
If Maria tries to deflect, minimize, or nullify your praise ("Ah, no big
deal"), use empathic listening...
Notice
the difference between this way of expressing specific praise and saying
something vague (or a ne-gative compliment) like "Hey, thanks for not leaving
your usual mess!"
Experiment with asserting merited praise and affirmations - specially with
people who fear, distrust, or disrespect you - and notice what happens over
time. Three keys:
don't do this to "get something" (strategic, vs.
genuine praise), other than feeling good;
use steady eye contact, and...
don't expect satisfaction
unless your Self
leads your
other subselves and the other person is undistracted and can hear you
- i.e. their
is
"below their ears."
For more perspective, read about giving other people
feedback.
Notice with interest what your subselves are
now about learning to assert dodge-proof
praise and enjoying the results. Think of people you might like asserting
"dodge-proof" praise to now. Is there any-thing in the way of your
experimenting with doing so?
We've covered a lot, here, so pause, reflect, and take a...
Status Check
See where you stand now on these ideas. "T" = "true; "F" - false; and "?" = "I'm not
sure," or "it depends on (what?)"
-
I think of myself as an
assertive person now (T F ?)
-
I can clearly describe the
difference between assertion, aggression, and submission to an average
teenager now (T F
?)
-
I can
clearly define effective assertion
now. (T F ?)
-
I can describe how assertion
relates to the skill of
now. (T F ?)
-
I can name the
four kinds of
assertion now. (T F ?)
-
I can describe the three parts
of an assertive "I" message, and the (common) alternative to "I"
messages. (T F ?)
-
I'm clear on the difference
between a
and a demand now. (T F ?)
-
I can clearly describe what an
interpersonal
is to a typical pre-teen. (T F ?)
-
I regularly use my own
Personal Bill of Rights as the basis for my
assertions; or I'm evolving my Bill now, and learning to live
by it without guilt, anxiety, and/or shame. (T F ?)
-
I can
(a) clearly define
and (b) I know how and when to use it in
my assertions. (T
F ?)
-
I
(a) can describe what
are, and I (b) know how they relate to making effective assertions (T
F ?)
-
I'm intentionally coaching each
minor child in my life to be an effective asserter and communicator now (T
F ?)
-
I'm
firmly motivated to
improve the
of my assertions now; or if not, I know what's
in the way (T F ?)
-
My
just answered these questions (T F ?)
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what are you aware of now?
The goals of
are for your adults to
(a)
learn and adapt seven effective-communication
to your
personalities and communication
styles, and (b) each become fluent in
using the skills to improve
everyone filling more of
their current
primary needs effectively.
My unique, practical guidebook for Lesson 2
integrates the key Web materials here:
- 7 relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com, 2001).
This article outlines one of seven powerful communication (relationship)
skills that every adult
and child needs to become adept at: effective assertion. Until typical
people (like you?) evolve fluency and con-fidence with
these skills, they're often
submissive ("I'm 1-down"), or aggressive ("I'm 1-up") in declaring their
opinions, boundaries, and needs. Because
effective assertion is essential for
win-win problem-solving, these
alternatives don't fill peoples' needs, and amplify or cause
relationship problems like disrespect and dis-trust.
Respectful assertion empowers people to
express their rights, opinions, feelings, and needs in a way that even resistant
(wounded) listeners can hear clearly. It requires fluency in
the related skills of
aware-ness, effective thinking, and
empathic listening. To resolve
communication
assertion also re-quires fluency in
metatalking - talking
cooperatively about
communicating.
This two-page article proposes 8 specific
steps for composing and
delivering effective assertions. Three keys to doing this
are (a) prepare well, (b) get very clear on what you really need from the other per-son, and (c) calmly
handle expected resistances with
respectful empathic listening + firm re-assertion, until you feel
heard well enough (vs. agreed with), or you shift into
problem solving.
Next:
explore your assertion profile,
and learn from this assertion practice,
Then continue working on Lesson 2.
