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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/dig.htm

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        This is the second of four Web pages illustrating how to identify primary personal and mutual needs - a requisite for effective communication and problem-solving.

        The prior page outlines six premises about personal and social problems, and illustrates four levels of awareness and needs causing a typical stepfamily loyalty conflict. This page illustrates digging down to discern the primary needs causing surface marital conflicts over a troublesome ex mate, and "money." The last page in this article offers suggestions for digging-down effectively with the six other communication skills.

        Though details in these examples may differ from your situation, look for common themes. Note that these three examples are simplified to illustrate the process and value of "digging down." In real life, each adult and child in your family has a web of concurrent surface conflicts and underlying primary needs which shape their kaleidoscope of perceptions, feelings, and behaviors.

2) Digging Down with Typical Ex-mate Conflicts

        It's widely estimated that almost half of modern American families divorce legally. Millions more  di-vorce psychologically, and stop short of calling attorneys. Among typical divorcing families and stepfami-lies, the variations of "awful ex-mate" conflicts are innumerable. Here's an example of typical surface prob-lems, and the unfilled primary needs causing them...

        Mark divorced Sherrie, and remarried Susan, a divorced custodial mother of pre-teen Marilee. Mark's two pre-teen sons live with their biomom Sherrie, and sleep over at their "other home" every other weekend. The legal phase of Mark and Sherrie's divorce was "messy," bitter, expensive, and "took forever."

        Susan has grown resentful and frustrated over three years of "endless" intrusions and "problems" that Sherrie persists in causing her and Mark. Sue is trying to learn her alien new stepmother role (job) and is finding that raising boys part time is "a lot different" than mothering Marilee. Sue and Mark have never ac-cepted their stepfamily identity, or read about or discussed being a stepfamily.

        For brevity, this example omits a column for Sherrie's surface problems and underlying primary needs. Each person in a typical multi-home divorcing family or stepfamily has their own "column" evolving and interacting with each other. 

Levels	Stepmom Susan	Biofather Mark
Level 1: the ex mate is "the problem"	"Sherrie is unreliable, rude, selfish, intrusive,  vindictive, and a mediocre, in-consistent mother. She treats her son's father (Mark) like dirt, and poisons their sons' minds against him and me. Then she denies doing that, and blames us!      She causes most of our problems. I'm getting irritated that Mark keeps giv-ing in and letting her dictate our lives." (No unfilled needs defined.)	"Sherrie is impossible to reason with. She initiated our divorce, and now claims that I left her.      She's so moody, erratic, and volatile that I'm scared for (my sons') Kevin's and Brian's mental health. But if I went for custody, she'd fight mean and dirty, and seek endless revenge.      Sherrie is the biggest problem Sue and I have." (No unfilled needs defined.)
underneath those are Level 2a problems: each mate blames the other and the ex mate	"I'm getting real tired of Mark's not listening to (not agreeing with) me, ma-king excuses for Sherrie, giving in to her, and putting off confronting her - as he's repeatedly said he would.      I'm starting to lose patience and respect for him. I need him to (want to) confront Sherrie.      My trust in Mark's promises and resolve is slipping, too. If he's not com-mitted to enforcing our home and marital boundaries what else is he going to cave in on?      This isn't what I signed on for! Mark and Sherrie are the problem, and I need him to admit that and fix it!"	"I'm getting pretty fed up with feeling like I'm supposed to solve everything here, and  Sue thinking I'm a wimp for not being Attila the Hun with Sherrie. I can't help it if Sherrie is a mental case! I feel caught between two lionesses.         "Sue just doesn't understand how im-possible it is to get through to Sherrie - and she won't talk to Sherrie directly. I need Sue to see the good things we have, ease up, and just accept that this is how it is for now.      It'll get better as the boys get older. I need Sue to be patient and adapt, and Sherrie to get healthy and sane."
underneath those are Level 2b problems: partners start focusing on their own feelings, doubts, and needs	"I feel guilty and ashamed that I can't be more loving and patient with Mark, and more forgiving of Sherrie. Is there something wrong with me? I don't like who I'm becoming!        I feel less and less safe as this mess with Sherrie and the boys keeps grinding on us. (Implied needs: feel less guilt, shame, and self-doubt, and more secure).       "I need to feel real hope and confi-dence, and to have some plan to make things better for us. I feel I'm being a bad Mom and Stepmom somehow.      I can't seem to stay clear on what I need - my mind keeps jumping around, and we go nowhere.      I'm scared I made a wrong choice marrying Mark, Sherrie, and their boys! Maybe I'm the problem! (Implied need - clear, focused thinking).	"I need to stop the battles inside me and make a clear plan. Part of me wants to get tough and enforce limits with Sher-rie, and another part is unwilling to..       Part of me wants to confront Sherrie to please Sue, and another part says "Uh uh, that's the wrong reason." Part of me needs to run away and part of me is afraid to.      Man, I hate this! I never expected any of this (conflict and confusion) when I married Sue. Why didn't I see this co-ming?      I feel really torn between what's best for the boys, and what's best for Sue and me. Part of me believes this'll all work out, and another part of me fears we'll divorce. I need to sort all these battles out and find a way to resolve them. I wish (need to have) someone understood how I feel. I don't think Sue does..."
and below those are Level 3  unfilled primary needs...	"I need daily emotional serenity, mental clarity, focus and direction; self respect, as a woman, a wife, and a child caregiver; self confidence, and I need to feel truly heard, empathized with, accep-ted, and loved by Mark and a caring Higher Power.     I deeply need to express and mani-fest the love I feel for Marilee, Mark, and others - and to love myself.	"I need to feel (a) inner peace and contentment (freedom from guilt, shame, confusion, and anxiety); (b) like a worthy person, man, husband, and father; (c) potent and competent; (d) clear on the purpose and direction of my life, and I need to feel (e) confident that I'm growing wiser, stronger, and clearer.      I also  need to feel companioned by Sue as I fill these needs. I need to fill the emptiness I've felt my whole life."
... and below those are three root causes of Sue and Mark's surface "ex-mate problems": Level 4	1) Susan is unaware of being ruled by a false self: a Guilty Girl, a People Pleaser, an Abandoned Girl, a Scared Girl, a Shamed Girl; a Magician, (reality distorter), an Inner Critic, a Judge, a Bitch, a Distracter, a Nurturer, and an (exercise) Addict.       These well-meaning subselves usual-ly don't trust Sue's true Self, and aren't aware of her, Mark's, and Sherrie's knowledge-deficits and false-self wounds; and...	2) Mark is unaware of being usually controlled by a false-self group of sub-selves: a Shamed Boy, a Guilty Boy, an Orphan (Lonely, sad, an Analyzer / Think-er, a Good Dad, an Inner Critic, a Worrier, a Procrastinator, a Loner / Fugitive, a Ma-gician (reality distorter), a Pleaser, and a Good Boy.      Mark's subselves distrust his true Self's wisdom, and aren't aware of his, Sue's, and Sherrie's being wounded, un-aware, and uninformed; and...
	3)  Mark and Sue are each (a) ignorant of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and its effects, and Lessons 1 thru 4; and they are (b) each unaware of their ignorance (lack of knowledge, not stupidity) and their personal and joint options.          Neither partner knows what you're reading about here. Ex-wife Sherrie is a  (wounded) childhood-trauma survivor in protective denial. She's controlled by a reac-tive group of personality subselves, and is unaware of (a) that, (b) Sue's and Mark's similar conditions, and (c) these Lessons and options.         None of the friends, relatives, and two therapists trying to support this couple and family know any of this. Neither do the kids involved. They don't know what they don't know, so they aren't motivated to learn anything. That limits their tries at problem-solving to blaming, arguing, and making superficial changes.

        Note the shift of focus as you dig down. On the surface (Level 1), Mark and Sue see Sherrie's traits and behaviors as "the problem." At this safest level of perception, their behaviors send his ex-wife critical messages which imply: "We're OK (1-up), and you're a bad person, woman, and mother (1-down)." Un-awareness of this disrespectful attitude guarantees escalating fights and avoidances, and makes effective problem-solving impossible.

        The couple focuses on trying to change Sherrie. That evokes semi-conscious shame, guilt, hurt, and frustration in her, and her protective false self responds by counter-blaming Sue and Mark, and escalating her "hostile" behaviors. Lose-lose-lose.

        Mark and Sue's two sons are caught up in stressful concurrent loyalty conflicts and relationship tri-angles. Until all three adults acknowledge their identity as a normal nuclear stepfamily and what it means, they're not likely to admit this or seek cooperative solutions.

        Digging down to Level 2 reveals Sue and Mark each thinking "Sherrie and my mate" are causing my problems. Neither co-parent is thinking about needs. Lacking effective communication basics and skills. Mark and Sue each feel increasingly blamed and misunderstood by the other - which promotes rising mu-tual distrust + disrespect + hurt + frustration + anger. The couple fears facing this scary reality, and doesn't know how to talk together about it safely as teammates vs. opponents.

        Their rift increases over time, as they blame Sherrie and each other and ignore how they're trying to deal with this complex marital stressor. Without awareness and knowledge, they're at risk of unconsciously growing a toxic self-amplifying, (blame > explain / defend > counterblame > counterblame >... ) cycle over time - the origin of a psychological or legal re/divorce. 

        Digging further to the third layer of needs discloses some well-camouflaged conflicts within Sue and Mark. These are too scary to admit because of powerful old false-self shame, guilts, and excessive fears - e.g. "I'll never deserve or get the love I need. (Shamed Child) I'll never be able to be a competent parent and mate (Cynic / Doubter and Perfectionist subselves), so I'll ultimately have to live and die alone (Abandoned  Child and Catastrophizer). There is nothing I can do to prevent this - I'm totally helpless (Victim / Martyr subself).

        Sue's version is "I feel powerless, and can only pray for God to help me here." Mark lacks the spiritual faith, awareness, and experience to do this (part of his "emptiness").

        Level-3 awareness is hard because it requires each person (i.e. you) to accept full responsibility for filling their own primary needs, rather than expecting others to want to do so as when we were young. 

        The fourth (deepest) layer of needs is usually the hardest to discover because...

• each partner lacks the knowledge and vocabulary to identify these needs, and...

• their friends, society, family professionals, and the media are also ignorant and unaware.

         Because you're reading these articles, you are among the few who are gaining the knowledge to iden-tify and fill these deep primary needs.

        Pause to digest what you just experienced. Reflect on what this dig-down concept could mean in your relationships. What level are you and important adults and kids usually focused on? For more perspective, see this article on relating to  psychologically-wounded people.

        Stretch, breathe, and take a break if you need to. Note what you're thinking and feeling, and what you just learned. When you're ready, continue with this last example of digging down... 

3) Digging Down With "Money" Conflicts

        Have you ever disagreed with someone over finances and debts? Re/married for four years, Myra and Manuel can't seem to find a middle ground about a group of "money problems"... 

Levels	Biofather Manuel ("Manny")	Stepmom Myra
Levels 1 and 2 - each mate feels the problem is their partner and Manny's ex mate Anita,  Both co-parents gripe and fight, but don't problem-solve together	"Myra insists on spending too much, on things we don't need, and can't afford. She's a real shopaholic.      Periodically, she starts world war three because I forget to tell her of getting ATM cash. Then she nags me to do something because (my ex wife) Anita hassles me about being a day late with sending child support.       "And Myra constantly bitches at Anita for spending the child support "on Gucci boots and bags" instead of kid clothes and cereal. Somehow, I'm supposed to fix that.     And Myra's after me to make a will. We're healthy and under 40, so why pay some lawyer an arm and a leg until we're older?     "And she also rags me about putting her name on my house and car titles. She doesn't hear my side of it.     Oh - and we both agree Anita should split the premium for the kids' dental insur-ance, but my ex just whines and plays 'poor me'..." (No unmet needs identified yet.)	"Manny doesn't appreciate having fine things in our home. He grew up poor, and has to hoard money. We both work, and there's enough! "      "It drives me nuts that he hands over his check, wants me to pay the bills, and then won't help me keep the checkbook balan-ced!      "My biggest aggravation is about child support. To keep the peace with his teeny-bopper ex, Manuel agreed to pay way more than the state guidelines. Then he accuses me of spending money we don't have! And I seem to have married an ex wife who is about 15, max.       All she wants is us to pay her so she can play, flirt, and party, while her kids go to school in rags. It's a crime, and Manny just shrugs! At times, I think I married a big kid, not a man.      Despite all his macho talk, he won't draw the line with Anita. So I have to do it, and I'm getting tired! I didn't say "I do" to Anita!      (No unmet needs mutually identified, so no problem-solving can happen yet.)
underneath those are Level 3a surface personal needs:	"I need to feel genuinely heard, respected, and appreciated as a man,  a husband, and a committed father - by Myra first, then Anita. I also need to feel my wife is my part-ner, not an nag, critic, and opponent!      "I'd feel a lot better if I felt on top of this mess (fuzzy thinking). At times, I just feel overwhelmed. Was I wrong to pick Myra?       "I'm beginning to worry that this (marri-age) isn't going to work out either - I'd be a two-time loser! I need to stop badmouthing Myra and my ex after I've had a few drinks. That feels lousy...	"I need to find a new way to talk to (problem solve with) Manny. Any time something about money comes up, we both get frus-trated and angery. I expect him to not hear me, get defensive or whiney or surly, and to run away. I'm mad before I even open my mouth. I know that's not fair to him, but I can't find a way to not do that!       "I realize I'm feeling out of control and un-safe here - I want (need) more control and security! I also realize I'm starting to distrust Manny's judgment - at least about practical things. I hate to say it, but I'm losing respect for him - and at times, for myself (and I need to reverse that)!
and under those are Level 3b primary needs.	"I need to lower my guilt, and regain my self control, self confidence, and self re-spect. I also need an effective plan as to how Myra and I are going to stop fighting and start problem-solving together.     "And I also need us both to agree to stop focusing on the past + blaming each other + name-calling + complaining, and focus on solving one problem at a time together!	"I need to learn how to control my expec-tations and temper with Manny - at least on money issues. And I need to find a way to feel more secure - safer - in this family. I must admit, I'm scaring myself.      "I need to find a new way of looking at all these problems so Manny and I can start solving them. And I need to regain my sen-ses of self-confidence and hope that these conflicts are going to dwindle. I have to (need to) stop worrying about this all the time!
...and under these are three level-4 problems promoting  Myra and Manny's surface "money problems":	1) Manny is unaware of being ruled by a false self: a sad Orphan Boy, an Anxious Boy, a Guilty Boy, a Philosopher, a Magi-cian (reality distorter), an Inner Critic (Bla-mer), a Weasel, a Salesman, a Doubter, a Macho Man, a Rager, a Friendly Guy, a Thinker / Analyzer, and an Achiever/Driver.      These subselves distrust Manuel's true Self, and aren't aware of him, Anita, and Myra being wounded, ignorant, and un-aware; and....	2) Myra isn't aware of being controlled by a false self:  a Shamed Girl, a Scared Girl, a Catastrophizer, a Party Girl, an Inner Critic, a Worrier, a Pessimist, a Jealous One, an Idealist, and/or Perfectionist, a Magician, and a Complainer.      Some of these subselves don't know of Myra's true Self. Others don't trust her as a competent leader. All subselves are un-aware of Myra, Anita, and Manny being psychologically wounded, uninformed, and unaware; and...
	3) Manuel and Myra aren't aware of these Lessons, their ignorance, and their personal and joint options.          Ex wife Anita has her own complex set of surface and underlying primary needs. Like the other adults, her personality is controlled by a group of subselves. Neither Myra, Man-uel, or Anita or their friends, marriage counselor, or relatives are aware of this, or of this article on solving "money" problems. They also don't know about Patricia Estess' helpful book Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage.

        Again, pause and note your reactions to these examples of "digging down." How does your Self feel about these ideas, and what they (might) mean in your life and family?  

Continue with some suggestions about how you can "dig down" with key people.

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Updated September 01, 2010