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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/dig.htm

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        This is the last of four Web pages illustrating one of seven powerful communication skills - "digging down" below surface needs to discover the primary needs causing them. This page outlines a practice exercise you and a partner can use to experience the process of digging down, and discover the results and benefits.

Preparations

        Get the most from this skill-practice by doing the following...

• Option - Find a partner who shares your interest in improving your communication effectiveness, and is willing to practice some skills with you. Whether you practice alone or with a partner, do the following:

• Both of you read and discuss this two-page introduction to effective communication, including a summary of seven powerful skills any motivated person can learn and benefit from.

• Invest time practicing communication awareness and empathic listening together. You'll use these skills in this practice.

• Review this article on giving effective feedback to another person, and experiment with doing so during the practice.

• Both of you read the first three pages of this article carefully, and test your understanding of the dig-down concept by explaining it to an adult or older child who has never heard of it. Ask the per-son to say back their understanding of the concept to see if they "got it."

• Find an undistracted place and time period (say 30" or more), and bring a laptop or some paper  and something to write with.

• Each of you decide whether your true Self is guiding your other subselves. If not, guesstimate who is leading (a false self).

Option - have an inner dialog with any subselves who are disabling your Self (capital "S"), and ask that they relax and allow your Self to do these learning exercises. If either of you is skeptical about personality subselves, read this three-page letter.

• Review and discuss this overview of the several layers of typical "problems." Note that the theme in this article applies to problems in any relationship, family, or organization.

  Practices

        You have two options...

• Solo: focus on several recent needs you experienced, and dig down below them with or without a practice-partner; and...

• Duo: each partner focus on a recent interaction between themselves and another person, and help the other dig down to guesstimate the primary needs of each person involved. 

        Read all these steps first, and tailor them to fit your levels of knowledge and your needs. The goal of this practice is to gain experience at identifying typical primary needs underneath surface problems. Stay aware that "problems" are unfilled needs, and that identifying your primary needs is the first step in effec-tive problem-solving.

Solo Practice

        You can do this by yourself or with a partner. If you use a partner, his or her role is to ask you the questions below, and possibly affirm your answers with hearing checks - not to comment or suggest so-lutions. Partners can also practice awareness, and non-judgmentally notice and report your behavioral responses to the dig-down process.

        Recall a recent common or special personal need ("problem") that had some urgency. Pick one that you're comfortable describing to your practice-partner, if any. Examples: "I needed to call a plumber / go grocery shopping / call (someone)  / make a dental appointment / plan a trip / research something / figure out how to ____. / confront (someone about something) / update my will / etc.

        Say your need or problem out loud, in no more than one sentence.

        Finish this sentence: "I needed to ____ because..." Option - your partner can ask you "Why did you need ___?" Example: "I needed to call my dentist for an appointment."

        Ask this question with the answer you got. "Why did you need to call for an appointment?" ("Be-cause I haven't had a checkup in almost a year.")  Discipline yourself not to compute, assume, edit, or judge the answer - just accept the first response that occurs to you.

        Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why did you need a dental checkup?" ("Because I was worried I might have cavities or gum disease."

        Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why are you concerned about cavities and gum disease?" ("Because I don't want to get sick, lose any teeth or have major oral pain, or incur major dental expenses later.")

        Repeat this question with each of these answers. if you need to - e.g. "Why did you want to avoid major dental expenses?" ("Because I don't have dental insurance, or any savings.")

        Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why do you need dental insurance or financial savings?"  ("Because I need to feel financially secure.")

        Repeat this question with the answer you got. "Why do you need to feel financially secure?" ("Because I'm afraid I won't be able to provide for the kids, and they'll suffer.")

        And so on. When you feel you've dug down far enough, sum up what you discovered: "So my primary need is an effective financial plan to reduce my anxiety about my kids' welfare, Making a dental appointment is a surface need.

        At this point (in or outside the practice), you can shift into problem-solving - e.g. "What's in the way of making an effective financial plan?"

        At any stage of this process, you may get "I don't know why I need that." If so, ask something like "What might happen if you don't get ______?" Another option is to recheck whether your Self (capital "S") is still guiding your other subselves. If not, consider options like these, and retry the question.

        Option - after this practice, compare this dig-down process to what you normally do with filling com-mon needs (resolving problems). Does it make sense to you that without digging down in important (not all) situations, your primary needs will remain unfilled and probably cause more surface problems (dis-comforts)?

Reciprocal (Two-person) Practice

        The goal here is to objectively identify each person's current primary needs, to facilitate effective problem-solving. Option - affirm that each person's needs, rights, and dignity were of equal importance in this situation. If you didn't feel this, suspect that a false self was controlling your feelings and behaviors.

        1)  Pick a recent non-emergency interaction you had with an important adult or child that you want to practice digging down with. The situation can be any kind of "problem" by your definition. Choose a moderate problem you're comfortable discussing with your partner, and describe some or all of the inter-action to him or her. Your partner will do the same, after you finish digging down in your situation.

        2)  Be yourself, and your partner will role-play the other person in your chosen situation. If s/he needs more information about who s/he's role-playing, ask.

        3)  Ask your partner something like "So what do you need from me, right now?" Your partner responds with something appropriate from your problem-description, like "I need you to stop smoking (gambling / using pornography / coming home so late / being rude to my sister /..." etc.

        4) Use the same repetitive questioning as in the solo practice above, optionally affirming what you hear each time with brief hearing checks. Do this until you feel you've uncovered the other person's pri-mary need/s (there can be more than one) that caused the surface need.

        5)  Now have your partner help you dig down below your surface needs in the two-person situation.

        6)  When you feel you've discovered both person's primary needs, then your partner should ask you things like...

• "Who's needs did you each give priority to in this situation?" The best answer is "We treated each other's needs as equally important."

• "What communication needs did each of you have in this situation? Did they match or clash?

• "Where were each of you focused during this situation - i.e. what kind of awareness bubbles did you each create - 1-person, 2-person, or no-person?"

• "Did you each try to identify what the other person needed in this situation?"

• "Did each of you get your primary needs met well enough?"

• "If not, why?" This is not an invitation to blame, but to discover factually what prevented filling your needs.

• "If you could re-do this situation, what would you change - and why?"

• "What did you just learn from this practice?"

• (Ask anything else that seems useful)

        7)  When you feel done digging down with both people in your situation, take a break if needed, and then repeat this process with your partner's two-person situation.

        8)  Discuss how the practice felt to you each, and what you learned. Would you do anything differently the next practice?

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 Next -

        While your practice is fresh in mind, try digging down for real. Coach yourself to remember that...

• "needs" are normal, inevitable emotional, physical, and/or spiritual discomforts.

• whether pleasant or not, all emotions are helpful indicators of current needs. There are no "nega-tive" emotions.

• all personal and social "problems" are unfilled surface and primary needs.

• personality subselves have surface and primary needs, just like people.

• communication - including thinking - occurs automatically to fill current needs (reduce current discomforts).

• communication is most effective when all participants (a) regard their and others' needs as being equally valid and important, and (b) want to know what they are.

• anyone (like you) can learn to communicate more effectively, with study, patience, and practice!

• Try practicing awareness, empathic listening, assertion, metatalk, and problem-solving with sever-al different partners. Option - as you do, keep a notebook or journal to record your learnings and affirm your progress.

 Awarenesses / Notes

 

 

        This page outlines options for practicing the powerful communication skill of "digging down" below surface discomforts to perceive the primary unfilled needs that cause them. Doing this promotes effective assertion and problem-solving among your subselves and with other people.

        Two key requisites for benefiting from this skill are (a) having your true Self consistently guiding your other subselves; and (b) proficiency with the skill of awareness.

Reality check: on a scale of one (I'm not interested in this practice) to ten (I'm very motivated to practice digging down skill now), rank your current motivation. ___

        Is there anyone else you want to show and/or discuss the concepts of primary needs and digging down with?

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        Pause, stretch, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this practice? Did you get what you needed? If not - dig down to discover what you do need now!

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Updated  February 14, 2010