Premise -
effective (vs.
good, or
"open and honest") communication happens when
each person involved feels they...
got their current primary needs
met well
enough,
in a way that feels good enough to them -
e.g. respectfully, honestly, and directly.
Any self-motivated adult
guided by their
true Self
can learn...
-
communication basics,
-
fluency in seven
effective-communication skills,
-
how and when to use the skills
with adults, kids, and withy their dynamic personality subselves, and
anyone can...
-
model and teach these basics and skills to their kids.
Can you name the seven skills out loud?
If not, (which is common), you're probably not using them or
modeling and teaching them to any kids in your life. If you don't
- who will? Here's an overview:
Seven Essential Relationship
Skills
Each of these learnable skills builds on the prior ones, so the order
counts...
-
Key: inner, environmental, and
communication-process awareness
-
digging down below surface
needs to discern current primary needs
-
clear
(vs. fuzzy,
unfocused) thinking
-
empathic
listening -
"hearing with your heart"
-
metatalk - talking
cooperatively about
communicating
-
effective
assertion, and...
-
win-win problem-solving.
How many average adults do you think could
name and describe each of these skills? Click the bold links below for more detail on each
one.
SKILL 1)
Awareness
This foundation skill is learning to become conscious of what's happening
(a) now and (b) over time...
Professional communicators
and counselors seek awareness of over 40 factors in these four zones. Other
adults and kids can benefit significantly by learning to
notice
factors in important
social situations. Unlike older cultures living closer to nature, our
hyperactive, over-stimulating society discour-ages appreciating and practicing these
awarenesses.
Use awareness (a) in any important social situation, and (b)
with your
(internal
awareness) when you're significantly stressed. Awareness is required for all
six other skills.
SKILL 2)
Dig Down...
...below
surface problems (unmet needs) to identify each partner's current
Use this skill
with awareness in significant
and interpersonal conflicts
and
Mastery of this essential relationship
skill
depends on living from your
+ steady four-zone awareness + knowledge of core
relationship,
and
needs. Awareness and the results of digging down are inputs to
metatalk, assertion,
and problem-solving skills.
SKILL 3) Clear
(vs. Fuzzy) Thinking
This essential talent combines three factors. In important situations...
focus on current (vs. past or future) primary needs until
all communication partners feel they got their needs met well enough; and...
intentionally
build and use a vocabulary to describe your
perceptions, feelings, and needs, and...
intentionally avoid...
vague and ambivalent terms
like this, that, it, they, them, those people, stuff, this whole thing, deal with, cope with,
work through, get past it, take care of, handle, everyone, sort of, pretty
soon, sometime, trouble, this problem, this issue, always, never, etc.;
and
avoid...
"hand-grenade" (emotionally provocative) terms
like
rape, stupid, weak,
abuse, insensitive,
dumb, childish, crybaby, immature, wimp,
fag, nigger, kike, fairy, bully, selfish,
fault, liar, control freak, homo, loser, winner, failure, asshole, bitch,
bastard, pathetic, brainless, etc.
Clear thinking requires wanting to be aware of your and other people's
thinking in important situa-tions and over time.
Use awareness and this skill in (a) significant internal conflicts and
stress, and (b) all significant relationships and social situations.
SKILL 4)
Empathic
Listening
As Dr. Stephen Covey says, learn to
"listen with your heart"
(vs. your head). Empathy is sensing
accurately and objectively what another person is feeling, thinking, and needing now, without
losing your self-awareness and boundaries. Communication
effectiveness soars when each person wants to
listen empathically - knowing that this does not necessarily mean they
agree with their partner/s.
This
vital skill has also been called reflective and active
listening and mirroring, since the listener intentionally
"reflects back" brief, nonjudgmental impressions of what the
speaker is saying and feeling, from time to time.
Do you do this with important people?
Popular alternatives to
empathic listening include lecturing, interrupting, monologing,
moralizing, ad-vising,
preaching, threatening, blaming, ignoring, tuning out, withdrawing,
explaining, interrogating, and changing the subject. See any favorites? These
always
hinder effective communication!
Intentionally grow the habit of using awareness and empathic listening
("hearing checks") in all im-portant social and subself interactions!
Recall - we're reviewing seven essential effective-communication skills
anyone can learn to use and benefit from.
SKILL 5)
Respectful Assertion...
...is
identifying and
calmly stating what you believe and/or need from another person
in a way they can hear you clearly.
Alternatives are submission (sacrificing your
needs, values, and perhaps integrity
to please or placate another person)
and aggression (forcing your needs on another
person, regardless of their current needs). Three kinds of assertion are preventive
(avoid a problem),
confrontive (when there is a problem), and "dodge-proof" praise.
Effective assertion
requires...
-
your
to
your
(personality),
and...
-
present-moment clarity on your personal
rights and
and...
-
a genuine (vs. dutiful) mutual-respect
attitude, and
-
a stable two-person
awareness
and...
-
fluency in (at least) the four skills above.
Do you have these
priceless treasures yet? Did your childhood caregivers? Do your children?
SKILL 6)
Metatalk
Meta-thinking is thinking about thinking. Meta-dancing is dancing about
dancing. Meta-writing is wri-ting about writing.
Meta-talking
is talking cooperatively about
how you're communicating
(your process), vs. what you're talking about (your content). Growing this
skill involves using awareness and evolving a vocabulary of communication-process
terms to
identify and resolve significant communication
Examples of metatalk terms: flooding, interrupting, interjecting,
eye contact, assuming,
double messages,
defocusing, feedback, venting, distracting, bipolar (black-white) thinking,
communication
primary needs, second-order
fuzzy
thinking, assuming (mind reading), and mind-racing. Can you define each of
these terms yet?
Requisites for
effective metatalk include:
-
your
leading your
-
knowledge of communication basics,
-
a
genuine mutual-respect attitude,
and
-
a stable two-person awareness bubble,
and...
-
awareness, clear thinking,
and empathic-listening skills.
Use awareness and metatalk when you need to identify and resolve a
significant internal or social communication problem. Exchanging respectful "meta-comments"
helps to define
so you can solve them. Review these
phrases to get a sense of metatalk in
action, and use the accompanying worksheet to help design
effective meta-comments.
SKILL 7)
Win-win
Problem-solving (Conflict
Resolution)
|
All people have fluctuating needs - i.e. emotional, physical, and
spiritual discomforts. Implication: being "needy" is normal and
healthy, not weak or bad! Problems are unfilled
needs. "Problem sol-ving" means "filling current needs well
enough." This powerful skill
uses all six other skills to... |
-
identify each person's
current
and
needs, and...
-
creatively brainstorm acceptable need-filling compromises, as...
-
mutually-respectful teammates,
vs. adversaries.
Consistent success at
problem-solving requires Self-leadership + patience + a genuine
mutual-respect attitude + comfortable acceptance of mutual personal
rights + a stable two-person
awareness bubble
+ fluency with all
six other skills.
Common
alternatives to win-win
problem-solving are fighting or arguing, withdrawing,
manipula-ting, postponing, defocusing, blaming, giving up or in, getting sick,
threatening, explaining, defending, whining, numbing or spacing
out, and/or playing "hot
potato" ("You fill my needs! "No, you fill mine!").
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - have you ever seen these seven powerful
relationship skills in one
place before? Do you know anyone who
uses all seven skills consistently and effectively? Can you imag-ine what
would change in our society if all kids were taught to use these skills?
Status Check
See how you feel about what you just read: T = "true;" F = "false," and
?
= "I'm not sure," or "It depends on...," or (something else).
1) (a) I'm very clear on when my
Self (capital "S")
my other subselves, and (b) s/he's leading them
right now. (T F ?)
2) I can
clearly describe the
required for communication effectiveness. (T F ?)
3) I agree that communicating
effectively is essential for getting my personal and social needs met every day (T
F ?)
4) I now communicate effectively enough in
(a) calm and (b)
conflictual situations with the people who mean the most to me (T F
?)
5) I can now clearly describe
(a) each of the seven communication skills in
this summary and (b) when to best-use each of them, to an average teenager; or I'm strongly motivated to learn and use
the skills now (T F ?)
6) I can clearly describe
(a) what
in this Web site is, (b) why it's
vital in all fami-lies and organizations; and (c) I'm committed to working on it patiently at least several times
a week now (T F ?)
7) I (a) understand and
(b) agree that "thinking" is really communication
among my talen-ted
of personality subselves, so (c) I agree that these seven skills are
useful within me as well as with other people. (T
F ?)
8) I'm motivated
to
(a) model and teach the young people in my life about these seven
skills now, and to (b) coach and affirm them as they learn to use the skills in their own
way.
(T F ?)
If
you can't spontaneously describe these seven communication skills to another person,
you're prob-ably not using them. That means
you're probably used to filling your
daily primary needs far less often than you could! It also
means you're not modeling and teaching effective thinkng and communication to the
kids
in your life...
Recap
This series of Lesson-2 articles exists because few average lay and clinical people seem to know
what they need to know to communicate
effectively. This article offers perspective on, and a summary of, seven essential
communication (relationship) skills that any motivated adult or older child
can learn and use to fill their needs more effectively -
and to help others do the same. The
unique guidebook
Satisfac-tions integrates all the
online Lesson 2 Web articles
and worksheets here.
Note that the second of two requisites for effective thinking and
communicating is progress reducing any significant false-self wounds from a
traumatic childhood.
here offers a practical way to do that.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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