Lesson 2 of 8 - learn effective thinking and communication skills Effective Responses to Common Problem Behaviors Feel confident in any social situation By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council site intro > course outline, Lesson-2 study guide or links, forum, site search, or other page > here The Web address of this series is http://sfhelp.org/cx/options.htm         Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If the windows distract you, read the ar-ticle before following any links.         This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 2 - learn seven powerful communication skills to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with this Lesson depends on simultaneous progress on Les-son 1 - empower your resident true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.         Do you ever feel unsure of how to respond effectively with certain people or social situations? This article offers response options for many common relationship problems. A problem occurs when adults or kids can't fill their current primary needs well enough because of some trait or behavior of another person.          This series provides... a definition of an "effective communication response" steps common to all situations, and... a menu of options for responding effectively to common social "problem behaviors." What is an "Effective Response"?         An "effective response" to problem behavior meets four conditions: you accept full responsibility for filling your own needs, and give other (able) people responsibility for filling theirs - without guilt or anxiety; you're clear on your and their rights as dignified, worthy persons; you're clear on why you're responding to them (i.e. on what you need); and... after your response, all people involved feel... fully heard, respected, and satisfied with the outcome - i.e. each person got their current primary needs met, and any boundaries were honored, well enough; they honored their integrities (were true to their values and standards); good enough about the way they interacted together; and everyone feels... that their relationships were protected or enhanced, vs. stressed.          As you gain fluency and confidence using effective communication skills, you'll probably meet these conditions automatically. Can you think of a recent exchange with someone which met these conditions? If so, recall how you felt afterwards...         To make effective responses, you'll need seven requisites and six communication tools. If you're not clear on, and fluent with, these concepts, take this self-study course on communication basics. Then make (vs. "find") times to practice the skills.         With some exceptions, these response examples apply equally to adults, teens, pre-teens - and personality subselves. They're suggestions, not absolutes. Note their theme - they are brief, specific, respectful, honest, and focused on now, vs. the past or future. Common Problem Behaviors         "Behaviors" are bodily responses to inner and outer stimulations. They can be actions or inactions, and observable or "subliminal" (sensed). Another person's behavior becomes a "problem" when it causes you significant local or chronic discomfort. Tho contexts and personalities vary, most adults and kids ex-perience these as problem behaviors at times: addiction aggression anger / frustration anxiety (worry) argumentative arrogance over-assuming boredom / apathy over-critical competitive controlling cynicism defensiveness denials  depression dishonesty distrust disrespect distraction egotism over-guarded guilt hostility too idealistic inconsistency impatience indifference inferiority insecurity insincerity too intellectual interruptive insensitivity intrusiveness irresponsibility jealousy / envy lecturing malice / spite manipulation mind-reading monologing nagging Narcissism negativity neglectful never serious not listening obnoxious offensiveness over-dramatic overwhelm power struggles prejudice pessimism reactivity rejection repetition rigidity rudeness sadness sarcasm secretive silence superiority unavailability unawareness unfocused unresponsive whining wounded         Starting in childhood, we develop trial-and-error responses to these behaviors in other people. Our responses are usually unconscious, impulsive, and unempathic. We first learn them by observing our early caregivers and hero/ines - who were probably unaware also.         Without awareness of our needs, our responses, and their effects, we risk degrading commu-nication outcomes and damaging our self-esteem and key relationships. Have you ever thought about how you respond to people with these traits, and what effects you produce?            For more perspective and options, see... 30 common communication blocks. improving communication outcomes with adults and kids, and... improving relationships with family members and others. Recap         This article is one of a series on improving communication effectiveness - i.e. getting more social needs met harmoniously, more often. The article defines an "effective response" to "problem behavior" in another person, and proposes key requisites for effective responses... steady awareness of yourself, your partner/s, your behaviors, and your environment; keeping your true Self in charge in any situation; clarity on everyone's human rights and local primary needs; and... growing knowledge of effective-communication basics, skills, and tools. + + +         Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else? <<  This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful   >>   <<  Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this article's address  >>  site intro  /    course overview  /  site search  /  glossary  /  forums  /  contact  /  copyright info Updated January 07, 2010