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http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/phrases.htm
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This is one of a
series of
articles in Lesson 2 - learn communication basics and seven
powerful
to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with this Lesson
depends on simultaneous progress on Lesson 1 - empower your resident
true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.
The unique guidebook
Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2001) integrates the key and Lesson-2 Web articles and
resources in this nonprofit Web site, and provides many practical resources. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional
help.
This article
assumes you're familiar with
-
the
intro to this nonprofit
web site and he premises
underlying it
-
self-study lessons
-
effective-communication tips
-
improving
communication with typical adults
and kids
|
The article provides a group of phrases, statements, and questions that can improve
communication outcomes if...
your
is steadily
your other
and...
you're clear
enough on what you
from any communication partner; and...
you keep a
stable two-person
and a genuine attitude of
as you communicate, and...
you (a) use an
effective Bill of Personal Rights to guide your
behavior with other people, and you (b) respect their equal rights in
all situations.
Do you usually meet these criteria with other people?
The article closes with the description of a safe two-person
exercise illustrating the silliness of verbal
power struggles.
Useful
Phrases and Questions
When powered by
a genuine (vs. dutiful or strategic) mutual-respect attitude, the questions and
phra-ses below can help raise communication
effectiveness. Experiment with them, note the results, and tailor them to
fit your personal style. For each of these you don't use now, notice what
you do (or don't) say - and what usually happens.
Sense the themes of these tools, and
develop your own. Brevity, focus, and comfortable eye contact help a lot.
So does having your
(capital "S")
be in charge of your
Hilight, circle, or check
several of these that you want to experiment with. Then pick several more...
-
“What’s
best for our marriage (or relationship) here?”
-
“Right
now, I need (specifically)... (from you)”
-
“I
can’t hear you when…”
-
“What
seems to help our resolution-process succeed is…”
-
“I
really appreciate it when you... ”
-
“I’m
getting distracted by _____. Could we stop, and resume this at
(some specific time and place”)?”
-
“I’m
(not) feeling heard (vs. agreed with) by you now.”
-
“I’m
sorry... ”
-
“So
you’re feeling... ”
-
“Yes,
I’ll do that.”
-
“I
(don't) need you to help me with this now.”
-
“What
I see (or feel) about our (conversation) process now is... ”
-
“I
love you (for / because / when... )”
-
“I
think we have a
(or concrete, or communication) conflict
here”
-
“Is
that a
-
“This
problem seems too complex. Let’s see if we can break it down
into parts.”
-
“My
(your)
is above my (your) ears.”
-
“I’m
(not) comfortable with that.”
-
"Whoa - that's a separate
problem."
-
“Does
that feel like a primary need or a sur-face need?”
-
“I
feel our
aren’t matching now.”
-
“I
feel flooded now. Can you slow down?”
-
“When
you keep interrupting me, I feel dis-counted and irritated (and I
need you to stop that).”
-
“I
really need to be quiet, for now.”
-
“Your
hand motions (or some other behavior) are distracting me.”
-
“I’d
feel safer talking to you if... ”
-
“I
lose trust in you (or respect
for you) when you don’t follow through on your commitments.”
-
“Can
you find a different way of making your point?”
-
“You
seem defensive now. Are you feeling attacked?”
-
“I
notice we’re talking a lot about the past, (or the future)
instead of focusing on the present... ”
-
“What
does (a child or other family member) need (in this situation)?”
-
“Let’s
brainstorm.”
-
“I
really appreciate your following through (with ...)!”
-
“When
you raise your voice (yell / swear / drone on / ... ), I
can’t hear you / shut off.”
-
“Who
do you feel is
responsible for that?”
-
“I
feel put-down (discounted, ignored, disrespected, talked-down to) now. (vs.
“you’re ignoring me”).
-
“I
really need to take a break now. Are you willing to stop and resume
at (a specified time)?”
-
“When
you (some recordable behavior), I..." (non-judgmentally describe the
specific effect on you) - "and I need (specifically) __________
now.” This is called an
They help avoid the
listener feeling blamed or attacked.
-
"You're asking me for something that
can only be
"
|
-
“So
you need / feel / want... ”
-
“What
do you need from me now (specifical-ly)?”
-
“What
are we trying to do right now?” (i.e. vent, problem-solve,
create excitement, make noise, avoid silence, exchange
information, ...)
-
“I
feel (attacked / blamed / ignored / discount-ed / appreciated /
heard... ) right now.”
-
“I
need us to refocus on... ”
-
“I’m
getting a 1-up (or 1-down)
from you. Will
you focus on that with me now?”
-
“I
feel really done with this issue now. (Are you?)”
-
“Thanks
for... !”
-
“I
need a
from you.”
-
“I
need to vent, and problem-solve later. Can you
listen to me
now?”
-
“Do
you have time to
with me now?”
-
“It
would help me if you would... ”
-
“Why
do you need that now? / What will happen if you don’t get _____
now?”
-
“No,
I’m not able (willing) to do that (now).”
-
“Who’s
needs do you feel are more important here - yours or mine?”
-
“I’m
too distracted to problem-solve now. How about (... a specific
time and place)?”
-
“I
disagree”, or “I see it differently.” vs. "you're wrong!"
-
“What
are our options here?”
-
“I’m
confused: I’m getting (vs. ‘you’re giving me’) a
from you.”
-
“The
way you express your
anger really scares a part of me, and I shut down.”
-
“When
you don’t look at me as we talk, I feel uneasy (or ...).”
-
“I
need a hug now... ”; or “Can you just hold me for a while?”
-
“I
really need some alone-time with you... ”
-
“It’s
hard for me to believe you right now.”
-
“I
need to know how you feel about... ”
-
“I
can’t focus with you now. I’m worried / excited /
stressed about... ”
-
“It
helps me trust you when you... ”
-
“I’m
really torn now. One part of me wants _______, and another part wants
_____ .”
-
“Am
I doing something that makes you feel unsafe (to talk intimately)?”
-
“I
need some feedback from you on ________.”
-
“That
works for me!”
-
“When
you need to be sarcastic, I... ”
-
“I
feel caught in the middle (of a
-
“I
need to own that this is my problem, not ours / yours.”
-
“What
have (you / they / I )
(ref. co-parent
- Good Grief)
-
“I
think (I / we / you) did really good (conflict resolution) work here!”
-
"I
feel that's a surface need. Let's
for
the
primary needs underneath it."
-
"I think we have a
here."
-
"Which
of your
was just speak-ing?"
-
"I don't understand ..."
-
"Did you get what you needed
here?"
|
Reality check: these will just be words until
you experience using them. To sense what's possible,
think of a recent conflict you had with and adult or child. Review the
phrases above and try saying
relevant ones out loud. Then imagine how the other person might respond. I'd be
surprised if you don't imagine the
outcome would change...
Another option: think of a person you often have trouble communicating
with. Review these common
blocks and see if any apply. Then use one or more of the phrases above the next time you talk with this person. Note any difference
in the way (a) you feel, and (b) the way s/he responds. Another option is to
scan these sample responses to "problem
behaviors." Experiment!
Notice what you're thinking now. If
your family members don’t use phrases and questions like these, what do
they use? The moral here is
you express your needs and
opinions is at least as important as what you're communicating about.
The "I'm Right!" Exercise
Are
there kids or adults in your
life with whom you "argue?"
Do each of you get focused
on "winning," getting "your
way," and/or "being right"?
In most cases, such contests
are lose-lose, because both
comba-tants feel
disrespected, unheard, and
frustrated. Better options
are win-win problem-solving,
or - in the case of *values*
conflicts - agreeing
respectfully to disagree.
Try this safe, powerful way
to illustrate the silliness
and futility of "I'm right!
No, I am!" battles:
-
Agree you have a power
struggle, without blame
or guilt;
-
Stand and face your
partner from about 12"
away. Each of you make
an "L" shape with your
right arm so your
forearms are vertical
and touching.
-
Clasp your right hands
gently, and hold
comfortable eye contact.
-
One of you start by
saying with some
firmness "I'm
right." As you
do, rotate both your
arms leftward to
horizontal. Don't use
physical strength and
don't resist - this is
not a physical contest.
Do not smile.
-
With steady eye contact,
the second person says
"No, *I'M*
right!" and
rotates both your arms
rightward 180 degrees to
horizontal.
-
The first person says
more forcefully
"NO! I Am
RIGHT!" and
rotates both arms back
180 degrees to
horizontal.
-
Repeat this sequence
four or more times,
escalating the tone and
power of your voice and
the speed of
arm-rotation each time.
Keep steady eye contact,
and don't joke or grin.
-
See what you feel and
think, and discuss
this together as
teammates. Usually
you'll both wind up
laughing...
This
exercise vividly illustrates
(vs. explains) the
pointlessness of arguing -
i.e. trying to persuade each
other "You're wrong and I'm
right!" A variation is to
say "I (did 'x'" and rotate)
and the other person says
"No, you didn't," and
rotates back) Try that for
6-8 times, and see what you
feel... This exercise can be
specially helpful with
stubborn (insecure and/or
bored) kids.
Keep
studying and applying Lessons
, and watch for gratifying changes in your life!
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
you
need?
