Key Definitions

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The Web address of this 3-page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/terms.htm

    Updated April 30, 2013

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      To plan, negotiate, and problem-solve effectively, your family members and supporters need a clear, common language. My professional experience is that average adults often have undeveloped family and relationship vocabularies, and they accept that. That promotes fuzzy thinking, misunderstandings, arguments, and accumulations of unresolved conflicts ("old baggage").

      These promote frustrations, resentments, and distrusts, rather than effective communication, family problem-solving, and healthy bonding. Words and the ideas they symbolize are our basic tools for nurturing healthy inner- family and interpersonal relationships. Do you agree?

      To improve the effectiveness of your communications, these three pages define basic wound-recovery, relationship, communication, and family terms. How many of these can you explain to another person now? Follow the links for brief information on each term.

       This glossary assumes you're familiar with the intro to this Web site, and the premises underlying it.
 

Definitions in alphabetical order.

      Some of these links open informational popups, and others lead to paragraphs in these three definitions pages or in other articles in this site.

Abuse Addiction Affair (marital) Assert, Assertion Awareness bubble Bio- (prefix) Blended (step)family Bond, Bonding Boundaries (Hit) true bottom Break the cycle Chatacter or Psyche Childhood Codependence Communication Confrontation Co-parent Crisis Cycle Divorce , Divorcing Depression Dual-role parent E(motion)-level Enabling Enmeshment Extended family

Extended stepfamily Family Family functioning Family identity Family map (genogram) Family mission statement Family roles and rules Family structure Family system Grief (mourning) Grown Wounded Child (GWC) Grown Nurtured Child (GNC) Guilt Half brother / sister Healthy / toxic relationship Inner family (of subselves) Inner pain Integrity (personal) Loss (broken bond) Loyalty conflict Marriage Maturity Needs, Needy Neglect (caregiver) Nuclear family

Nuclear stepfamily Nurturance level (family) Overwhelm Parent (noun) Parent, Parenting (verb) Personality Problem solving Recovery (from inner wounds) Re/divorce Relationship triangle Re/marriage R(espect)-message Spirituality Step- (prefix) Stepchild / son / daughter Stepfamily Stepfamily identity Stepparent Stress Team / Teamwork Trauma True and false selves Unawareness Values conflict Wholistic health Wounds (psychological)

      Experiment: before you read about any of these terms, say your present definition out loud.

Also see (new windows)...

• "inner-family" terms,

• communication-process terms,

• grief terms, and

• selected clinical terms.

BIO- (prefix) - denotes some aspect of a biological (genetically-related) family. For example, biofamily role-titles are bioparent, biomother, biofather, biosister, biobrother, bio-grandparent, biochild, and bio-kin. The prefix is useful because "standard" (pre-divorce) biofamily roles are often very different from their post-divorce and stepfamily counterparts.

BLENDED (STEP)FAMILY - People who dislike the unpleasant associations of "stepfamily" often use "blended family" instead. In a true blended ("complex") stepfamily, both mates have prior kids. Each mate has two roles: stepparent and bioparent.

      If a childless stepparent conceives a child with a bioparent partner, that does not make them a blended stepfamily. All blended families are stepfamilies, but not all stepfamilies are blended. Confusing, isn’t it? See "stepfamily"

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CHILDHOOD - Before reading more, evolve a thoughtful answer to three questions: "What was your child-hood?"; "Was it good or bad?;" and "What factors influenced it the most?"

      In this site, childhood means "The period of time in a person’s life between their conception and their leaving home as a truly independent, self-supporting adult." Clarity on this is important in fully understanding "childhood deprivation," which is the heart of the ''Grown Wounded Child'' (GWC) idea in this course and related guidebooks.

      It’s possible that neglect (nurturance deprivation) starts while we're in the womb. Some neo-natal researchers suggest that how a pregnant woman copes with chronic stress (e.g. with unbalanced diet or harmful drugs) can chemically affect the development of her fetus.

      Some people wonder if fetuses may be organically traumatized by loud noises (like marital arguing) or "commotion" outside their mother’s body. My hunch is that seriously wounded Moms may unconsciously deprive their kids of primal nurturance in complex ways we haven’t identified yet. What do you think?

      Major factors that affect the wholistic health of your childhood are (a) family, school, and church nurturance levels, and (b) significant traumas. Assessing how each factor affected filling a child's developmental needs can help to validate and recover from false-self wounds. 

      Every parent needs to ponder...

"How nurturing were my and my mate/s’ childhoods?" (low > moderate > high); and...

"How wounded were each of my and my partner's childhood caregivers?"

It’s possible a child has a moderately healthy family and still be emotionally deprived and traumatized for several years in a low-nurturance school, activity, or church -  though aware caregivers would prevent that.

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COMMUNICATION occurs when any perceived behavior of one person or personality subself significantly affects another person or subself spiritually, psychologically, mentally, or physically. "Significantly" is a subjective judgment. Because silence, withdrawal, or no contact may affect the receiver, there is no such thing as "no communication."

      All behavior aims to reduce or prevent physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual discomfort (needs). There are six universal needs people seek to fill by "communicating." One is the constant need for self and mutual respect, which shapes all human communication and relationships. 

      Effective (vs. "open and honest") communication happens when each person involved feels clearly that they...

• got all their current needs met well enough,

• in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about themselves, their partner/s, and their shared process. 

Three widespread factors that cause ineffective communication are unseen false-self wounds + ignorance of communication basics and skills + personal unawareness of internal and interpersonal dynamics. Studying and applying Lessons 1 and 2 can improve all three of these.

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CO-PARENT - "Co-" is from the Latin "com-," which meant "together." Co-parents are two or more adults in any family who intentionally nurture dependent kids together. Active grandparents, aunts, and uncles and some older teens can act as co-parents

      A co-parent can be a bioparent. a childless stepparent, or involved adult relative. Legally and physically, divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents are custodial, non-custodial, or share joint custody. "Parent" can be a family role, (noun) a nurturing process, (verb) or a person who conceives and/or nurtures a child (noun).

      Some caregivers have stepparent and bioparent roles ("dual-role co-parents"). A nuclear stepfamily may have three or more co-parents living in two or more related homes with their resident and visiting bio-kids and stepkids. The complex multi-generational and social environment that typical kids, co-parents, and co-grandparents live in differs in up to 40 ways from intact biofamilies!

      The term co-parent is emotionally neutral. That helps offset our old cultural bias that bioparents are "better" or more "normal" or "natural" than stepparents or foster parents.

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ENMESHMENT - In human relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear identities ("This is who I am, as a person") and boundaries (limits) that separate one individual from the other. Thus an enmeshed person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings, opinions, and priorities and yours. This condition is clear evidence of psychjological wounds.

      Enmeshment is the polar opposite of two people being independent - meaning neither has a strong need to care about or need the other. A middle option is an interdependent relationship, where each per-son has a clear, stable identity, and stable boundaries. These combine to let them relate together as co-equal partners out of conscious choice, vs. unconscious compulsion ("I can't live without you!")

      Codependence (relationship addiction) is a form of enmeshment where the wounded person progressively loses awareness of her or his own needs, feelings, and goals, and focuses consciously on living from those attributes of another person. The roots of this condition (vs. "disease') seem to be two common psychological wounds: excessive shame and obsessive fear of rejection and abandonment - i.e. terror of being self-responsible and alone.

      Whole households and families can be enmeshed, in that each person's life and "business" is seen as being each other member's business - e.g. everyone listens to each others' phone calls, and reads other member's personal mail. A member's asserting for personal privacy evokes strong criticism, scorn, and resistance from other members - "Why do you feel you need to keep secrets from us?!"

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EXTENDED FAMILY - Traditionally, an extended bio(logical) family is comprised of a child’s several generations of living genetic and legal relatives other than siblings and parents – i.e. the group of all aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Thus a nuclear family + extended family = "the whole family." Some people use "extended family" to mean all related members. Classically, a child’s extended family is at least two bioparents, and four DNA-related grandparents. Who comprises your extended family now? The adjectives nuclear and extended can clarify who you're talking about and reduce misunderstandings.

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EXTENDED STEPFAMILY - Who comprises "the whole stepfamily"? Including all blood and legal relatives of three or more related co-parents and their minor and grown kids,  typical extended stepfamilies can have 100+ members, living in a dozen or more related homes all over the continent.

      The number of possible relationships among all members is often boggling. How many of your multi-generational family members would know what "extended stepfamily" means and who it includes? Common stepfamily stressors are confusion and disagreement over stepfamily identity and who belongs (is a family member).

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FAMILY - two or more people who feel significantly bonded by some mix of emotions, commitments, history, genes (perhaps), legal contracts (like a marriage license, parenting agreement, or Order of Protection), last names, memories, customs, and ongoing dependencies. Many families include one or more minor or gown children, and others do not.

      Families exist in every age and culture because they fill some core child and adult needs better than any other human grouping. Can you name these specific core needs? Would each of your relatives say their current family fills all their primary needs well enough?

      There are many kinds of human family: biological or "birth family," absent-parent (usually called "single parent"), foster, bi-racial, multi-cultural, adoptive, communal, childless, step, same-gender partners, and psychological (non-DNA-related). Each family type is normal (has existed in all cultures and eras), has some things in common with all others, and some facets that are different (vs. better).

      When people have no bonds or relationship with genetic relatives, they may select other adults and kids (a psychological family) to try to fill the needs that a genetic family would otherwise. In the best case, psychological families can be as nurturing, functional, and durable as healthy intact biofamilies.

      As global human health has vastly improved in recent centuries, intact two-parent biofamilies are becoming the norm except in war-torn and disease-dominated societies. Typical multi-home stepfamilies differ in more ways from traditional intact biofamilies than any other family type does.

      Families who consistently fill all members’ mental, spiritual, psychological, and physical needs well enough (vs. just the kids’ needs) can be called "high-nurturance." Do you agree? If so, did you grow up in a high-nurturance family? What's the nurturance-level of your current nuclear and extended families? Would other members agree?

      Gauge your basic knowledge about families with this quiz. Lesson 5 in this online self-improvement course focuses on growing a high-nurturance family.

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FAMILY FUNCTIONING - People and the media describe some families as "dysfunctional" - often without knowing what that means. Premise: families have existed in every age and culture because they fill members' needs better than other human groups. To nurture means "to fill someone's needs." So a "functional" or high-nurturance family is one that consistently fills all members' needs well enough - in someone's opinion. What needs?

      All healthy adults and kids have primary needs. Kids in intact biofamilies also have developmental needs which require adult help to fill. Children of divorce and abandonment and typical stepkids have additional sets of family-adjustment needs.

      A high-nurturance family consistently fills all these adult and child needs well enough. Any family may be judged to be somewhere between "very low nurturance" (dysfunctional) and "very high nurturance" (functional).

      Typical high-nurturance families have characteristic traits - can you name them? Young kids raised in families with too few of these traits survive by developing up to six psychological wounds.  The wounds have significant impacts on their adult contentment, relationships (like psychological or legal divorce or never marrying); parenting effectiveness; wholistic health; and longevity.

Lesson 1 in this site provides an effective way to assess for significant wounds, reduce them over time, and break the ancestral cycle of family dysfunction. Lesson 5 explores family functioning.

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 Continued...
 

 
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