I've been a professional
therapist since 1981, and have been recovering since 1986
from being raised in an alcoholic
family. I have studied the topics in this series profes-sionally for
28 years, and struggled with my own
denials, wounds, and compulsions as a recovering
ACoA.
I completed a 9-month graduate-school course on
clinical work with addicted families, and I have learned
about addictions and their effects from thousands of hours
working with adults and children with addicted (wounded)
ancestors and family members. Many were in
families and
This series
assumes you're familiar with:..
What is an Addiction?
Have you ever "obsessed" about someone or something? An
obsession is something that a person
can't stop
thinking about. A habit is a semi-automatic
learned sequence of thoughts and actions that can
be controlled.
A compulsion is a repetitive
action-sequence which the person cannot
control by "will-pow-er."
The behavior cycle may or may not be harmful
- e.g. overdrinking vs.
excessive nail-biting, scratch-ing, fantasizing, or hand-washing.
A true addiction
is a
compulsion to do something repeatedly that is clearly harmful to one's self and/or
other persons.
There are four types of addiction, which all work
the same way:
-
compulsive ingestion of
substances,
including caffeine, nicotine, ethyl alcohol, "street" and prescription
drugs, and some "comfort"
foods high in sugar and fat. Some substance addictions
like ethyl alcohol and heroine are amplified by
bodily cravings.
-
compulsive
activities, like
work, sex (including porn), exercise, worship, cleaning, overeating, shopping,
PC usage, fantasizing, and gambling;
-
compulsive
relationships - i.e.
co-addiction or
and ...
-
compulsive mind/body
"states" like addiction to righteous causes
(zealotry); anger,
and
sexual or other excitement
(adrenaline "rushes.")
All true addictions follow a
predictable course, and have
common traits (below).
They all serve to temporarily distract
(self-medicate) the person from
relentless inner pain - i.e.
+ anxieties
(fears) +
hurts + confusion +
+
+ sadness + hopelessness
(despair).
What Causes Addictions?
Answers to this age-old question have ranged from "demons" to "lunar
rays" (hence "lunatic") to a "weak will," to "addictive or immoral
personalities." The advent of
therapy in the
1950s, and codependence, "Inner Child," and Adult Children
of Alcoholics (ACoA) concepts in the 1980s have combined to
suggest a new explanation for addictions.
It extends the
theories of scores of mental-health professionals over the last century or more. These pioneers propose
that normal personalities are composed of
"subselves," "little minds," "subper-sonalities," "ego states," or "parts."
An increasing number of mental-health professionals now believe that
addictions are promoted by
traumatic early-childhood experiences - e.g. chronic
and/or emotional and physical abandonment.
These are epidemic
- and widely denied - in our culture, caused by the
silent [wounds + unawareness]
passing down the
generations. Most professionals now accept that true
addictions
all members of a family system, not
just the addict.
These ideas and my
own research and experience suggest these premises...
-
To survive
families, kids automatically develop
"false selves" - a
of protective personality subselves focused on survival
and immediate
need-gratification ("comfort"). Usually kids' caretakers
were raised in similar environments, and are unaware
that they are controlled by
false selves (wounded) also.
-
For various reasons, the
environment and these subselves cause children and
adults unrelenting
-
To reduce and distract from their inner pain, typical kids develop a protective
that can be called
This well-meaning specialist discovers that one
or more of the four kinds of addiction effectively
reduces current inner pain temporarily.
This
dedicated subself
persuades the
person to medicate (distract) themselves from their pain
via a toxic compulsion despite the reality that
doing so inexorably increases their
inner pain and stresses important other people.
Implication: having
"an addictive
personality" really means
a
low-nurturance childhood, and being controlled by a
which obsessively tries to help the person reduce their
inner pain via one or more locally-comforting rituals or
relationship."
This relentless
progression is illustrated by variations of the
Jellinek
Curve used in many addiction recovery programs.
Depending on many factors, the wounded person may eventually
and find a healthier way of managing their inner pain
("recovery"), or
die prematurely.
Note that the Curve was originally designed when people
still felt that addiction was a personal problem. It
would be more appropriate to chart the predictable
changes in family dynamics as an addiction progresses -
e.g.
-
of any problems,
and avoidance of any
-
increasing
frustrations,
anger, and confrontations;
-
unsuccessful attempts to
confront the addict and/or co-addict and get them
to change;
-
increasing trouble in
and with one or more dependent kids,
-
possible significant major
marital, work,
legal, and/or financial problems, and/or psychological
or legal
and...
-
hitting
and
starting to manage (vs. cure) the addiction, and/or possible major health
problems and/or
premature death.
-
Some
substance
addictions develop physiological cravings which
intensify the toxic dependence - e.g. nicotine,
caffeine, some carbohydrates (?), and heroine. These are
cellular/hormonal reactions like hunger and sleepiness,
not psychological responses.
At least alcoholism has a genetic predisposition - i.e. genetic alcoholics
metabolize ethyl alcohol (which powers car engines) differently than
non-addicts.
-
The
12-step "Anonymous" program of life-principles,
and supportive fellowship is con-sistently more effective than
other ways of controlling addictions ("sobriety"). This seems to be true because
the program offers self-reinforcing emphasis on breaking
protective denials + nur-turing spirituality + giving up
attempts to
+ genuinely accepting self-responsibility for addictive
behaviors and consequences, and honestly apologizing
(reducing
where possible.
-
Paradoxically, the
tradition of protecting recovering addicts
and their families from social and religious censure by
"anonymity" (e.g. "Alcoholics Anonymous")
promotes the harmful myth that addiction is a shameful
personal choice - which encourages
toxic self-medication!
-
The current
12-steps ignore
the key role that personality subselves and low-nurturance
environ-ments play in promoting self-medicating
compulsions. That's (probably) why many addicts adopt
pseudo recovery
and/or relapse (resume addictive rituals), despite
painful con-sequences and "knowing better."
-
(a) Choosing a more
environment and (b) intentionally stabilizing
(vs. "curing") an active addiction via an effective
12-step program for at least a year are essential
for
of false-self
in
this nonprofit Web site and its related
are about wound reduction.
Recap - all true addictions (toxic compulsions) are
caused by a person's ruling subselves trying to
self-medicate (mute) relentless inner pain by using one or more
of four strategies. These strategies always work
(reduce inner pain)
short-term - and increase the
inner pain, long-term.
|
True addictions are a symptom of family
(wounded, unaware
adults), not just a personal problem. If you're concerned
about someone who may be addicted, do these premises fit
what you know of their early and current lives and families?
|
Pause and reflect. How do these premises about the cause of
addictions compare with your
beliefs? Who's answering - your
(capital "S") or "someone else"?
Another important element in understanding addicted families
is the concept of "co-addiction."
What is Co-addiction?
Since the advent
of family-systems therapy in the 1950's, society has begun to see that typical
addicts' mates ("co-addicts") grow predictable, psychologically-toxic traits
of their own. Three stand out:
Co-addicts typically grow their own
(e.g. denials) about the
addict's behavior and its harmful impacts ("Carl is a little
overzealous about sex, but he's certainly not addicted to it.")
This is probably so because wounded
of low-nurturance child-hoods seem to instinctively pick each other as
partners and associates over and over again, until they hit bottom and commit to reducing their false-self
wounds.
Many co-addicts become addicted to
(obsessed with) the welfare and
behavior of their wounded partner. This is a symptom of the widespread
condition (vs. "disease") called
This wound-symptom is a form of
relationship addiction - i.e. it is an unconscious compulsion that reduces
the
of the people
involved. In a family setting, this means the wholistic health of
dependent kids is being diminished by two or more addicts (wounded caregivers),
not one. And...
Until their own compulsion is owned and controlled
(vs. cured), typical co-addicts
their addicted partners - i.e.
they unintentionally promote the addiction's
progress by fear-ing to confront their partner on their harmful
behaviors and
healthy
("Janice, trust me. If you go on
one more credit-card binge, I'm going to file for divorce and custody
of the kids.")
|
Implications: (a) any addiction is
a family affliction, and (b) where there is an addict, there
is often a co-addict or enabler/s. The wounds and ignorances that promote
unendurable inner pain and
compulsive self-medication reduce family nurturance-levels. This inexorably
the inner pain and adaptive psychological
wounding on to the next generation. |
Have you wondered "How do I know if someone is 'addicted' or
just 'overdoing (something stress-ful)'"? Let's look at that now...
Symptoms of a True Addiction
This heading should really read "Symptoms of Compulsive
Self-medication of Unbearable Inner Pain"
In the last
several generations, it has become clear that true
addictions (vs. "overdoing it") have observable symptoms like
these:
The "addict" (Grown Wounded Child)
that they have a harmful compulsion, de-spite compelling
evidence; or they acknowledge "I may have a
problem," and find
they cannot stop their toxic self-medication ritual
despite repeated attempts to do so. ("I've tried to quit
smoking three times, and can't do it.") A related symptom is
that the person's relatives, friends, and coworkers may also
deny, discount, and/or rationalize (justify) the toxic
compulsion and its harmful effects.
Common symptoms of an addictive relationship or
family are
co-addiction
and
enabling. Enabling is avoiding painful, honest confrontations
with an addict about their self-destructive attitudes,
wounds, and behaviors.
This avoidance is often justified by a dedicated
subself who insists persuasively that this is a caring way
of "not hurting the addict." Other protective
Guardian subselves may urge
needed confrontations to avoid
And...
True
addictions inevitably
progress
(get worse) over time,
despite
increasingly painful results - un-less the wounded
person hits true (vs. pseudo) bottom. The Jellinek Curve
illustrates this progression for all four types of
addiction, not just alcoholism. Common progression themes are...
-
increasing denials, lies, avoidances,
and evasions - and denying and/or rationalizing
these;
-
failed attempts to
reduce or stop the addiction/s, and/or evasions and
excuses for not trying to stop;
-
relentlessly increasing
protective
and/or denials of inner pain
in all family members, particularly shame + guilt + anxiety +
regret + frustration + confusion + hopelessness (despair);
-
increasing social
"problems" like kids acting out,
psychological or legal
loss of work, physical and/or "mental"
illness,
financial problems, crime, etc. And for some people, a
key symptom is....
-
and
committing to true (vs. pseudo) addiction management - i.e.
in attitudes, values, and behaviors that reduce
or stop the toxic self-medication ritual without
adopting a new one; or....
-
cross
addiction - "controlling" one
addiction (e.g. overeating), and starting and denying
another one (e.g. codependence). A widespread example of
cross addiction and group denial occurs in many 12-step
"Anonymous" meetings - e.g. haze of cigarette
smoke (substance addiction: nicotine), and an
always-full coffee pot (substance addiction: caffeine.)
Another common symptom of compulsive false-self self-medication is...
Repeated cycles of
[harmful / hurtful behavior
> experiencing
the personal and social effects > surges of guilt, shame, remorse, and
anxiety; > fervent vows to "never do it again."] Because...
-
the underlying
inner pain is the same
or greater, and...
-
the external environment has probably not become more nurturing,
the
tormented person
relapses (repeats the self-medication cycle)
despite earnest vows not to do so.
This inevitably increases
subselves' self-scorn (shame), guilt, and hopelessness.
A fifth symptom
of true addiction (false-self
is relentlessly-increasing stress
in and among family members, friends, and society, and declining
tolerances.
The
false-self wounds and
that
promote inner pain and toxic self-medication relentlessly
erode the bonds and
of key relationships and families. This promotes
minor kids' inheriting their ancestors' [wounds + ignorance]
and unconsciously developing false-self wounds and
self-medications of
their own.
As this happens,
typical family members increase their false-self
behaviors, which cause
significant secondary (surface) problems - which increases inner pain. A common false-self dynamic
is to (fruitless-ly) try to reduce the secondary problems
("You have to stop lying to me!") without
and filling the
that cause them ("Can I do something to make it
safer for you to tell
the truth?")
Some
wounded people eventually accumulate enough despair, weariness, and pain to
- often in mid-life. They break
long-held denials and distortions and admit "My life
is out of control," and "I am
solely responsible for (a) hurting other people by my
attitudes and behaviors, and (b) (re)gaining control of my
life."
Frequently, such people experience "trial (preliminary)
bottoms" and relapses before hitting true bottom.
Other
wounded
of low-nurturance childhoods endure dissatisfying lives and
die prema-turely
without knowing why, or what they
might have done to improve their lives and guard their
descen-dents.
Typical lay people who care about (or are addicted to) an
addict are usually unaware of being hin-dered by their own false-self wounds and distorted and/or
inadequate factual
information. The best chance for making an objective-enough assessment about whether someone (or a family) is
"addicted" (wounded and ignorant) is to hire a
professional addictions counselor, tho they have biases and
ignorances too.
Accurate assessment of these symptoms requires (a)
being
by your true Self (capital "S"), and (b) factual knowledge of...
-
family
nurturance levels;
-
the [wounds + ignorance]
and its main
effects on persons and families; and...
-
the person's progressive behaviors over some years.
Are you
confident you have these requisites now?
To raise your odds of accurate addiction-assessment, (a)
hire a professional addictions counselor, and (b) search the
Web for current addiction-assessment resources. An excellent
resource is the Ha-zelden
Institute. Tho it focuses on chemical addictions, most
of its resources apply to other toxic compulsions too.
Pause, breathe, and reflect. What are your subselves
thinking and feeling now? If you just learned something
important, what is it, and why is it important?
Next - learn
about true and pseudo recovery, and general options for
respectfully confronting an addict, including well-planned
"interventions."
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Updated
03-06-2010
The Web address of this
series is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/addiction.htm