The Web address of this
11-page series is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/addiction.htm
This continues a series of
articles on addictions.
Confront Directly,
by Yourself
When you hit bottom (can no longer tolerate the effects of the
addict's behaviors), your subselves can...
-
deny, minimize, or repress this;
-
self-medicate (distract) yourself; and/or...
-
the addict
directly - alone or with help.
The first two strategies indicate your Self
is
Let's look at confronting by yourself...
Clarify your Goals (Needs)
After preparing yourself and committing to the guidelines above, an
essential next step is to clearly
identify the
you're trying to fill by confronting the self-medicating person. Two
learnable skills that can help you do this are
and
Gain
useful perspective on discerning your needs by studying
this article.
Typically, you'll have several primary needs at once - e.g. "I need to...
-
...preserve
my
and self-respect by doing what I can to help the
addict and his/her/our family now."
-
...stop living in
and acting and feeling like a helpless
-
...feel authentic and strong, rather than
feeling like an imposter, phony, and a coward."
-
...do what I can to guard our child(ren)
against the
of growing up in an addicted
family;"
-
...cause some kind of resolution and end the
perpetual
I feel"
-
...convert chronic, mounting hopelessness
and despair into credible hope for a better future."
You may have other unique needs (discomforts)
you wish to fill (reduce). Your mix of needs will determine how you...
Define "An Effective
Confrontation"
Premise - in this context, an effective confrontation fills (a)
your and (b) other involved people's primary needs well enough, as judged by
you and them..
Your specific needs may include some or all of these:
"I need (the addicted person) or
enabler to...
-
understand what my concern is, and
why I'm concerned'; and to...
-
want to learn about addiction and
recovery fundamentals; and to...
-
want to (a) break their protective
denials, and (b) accept the specific effects of her or his com-pulsive self-medication or
and I need this person to...
-
understand (a) what actions (changes) I'm
and (b) what I'll do if s/he chooses not to
act; and (ideally), I need the person to...
-
want to
with
me on reducing
the toxic family effects of her or his addiction.
These are ideal needs. You
can sum them up as "I need to do everything I can to help (the addict)
hit
now, and want to recover from
their compulsive self-medication." A fundamental longer-range need is "I
need to co-create a foundation for (the addict) to want to heal his
or her false-self wounds and unawareness, and end the inherited [wounds +
ignorance]
Pause and reflect - do these needs seem realistic and relevant to you now?
If not - who is control-ling your personality subselves now?
The other person will need to feel (a) respected, (b)
genuinely
by you., and (c) empathized with, vs. pitied, discounted, or scorned;.
The more of your and the other
person's needs feel filled "well enough," the more effective your
con-frontation will be. Do you agree?
Prepare, and Confront
Raise your odds for a mutually-effective confrontation by...
-
asking your
to guide and support you all, as you confront;
-
telling other affected people (a) what
you're going to do and (b) why, beforehand; and respectfully consider what each of them needs in this situation; and...
-
and maintaining a genuine attitude of
and...
-
expecting the other
person to "resist" your assertions, and being ready to use
and
respectful
and limit-setting as often as needed to get her or him to hear
(vs. agree with) you; and prepare by...
-
reviewing (a) your and the other person's
basic human rights; and (b) the things
you can and can't control about this person and situation; and (c)
referring to these wise
as you go; and...
-
reviewing the specific outcomes you want
from this confrontation. and...
-
picking a time and place when you and the
other person are physically and emotionally undistracted.
For perspective, imagine the odds for asserting your needs to the other
person effectively without making preparations like these...
Status Check - on a scale of
one (I'm not motivated to
make any of these confrontation-preparations)
to 10 (I'm strongly
motivated to make each of these preparations), I'd rate myself as a ___ now.
Is your true Self
this, or "someone else"?
The second of your three options is to...
Confront Directly,
with Qualified Help
The emotional impact of any confrontation rises significantly if you ask one or two other
concerned adults or older children to join you in asserting your needs and
any boundaries. If
you choose this option, you need to carefully pick and prepare qualified
helpers.
If
you have a mate who has a relationship with the addict and/or any enablers,
you must first decide on his or her role: a co-confronter, an indirect
supporter, or neutrally uninvolved. If
your partner is the ad-dict in question, see
this. If the addict is in a
divorcing family or stepfamily, you may need to choose the confrontation-role of her or
his ex mate, too. If an ex mate is the addict, see
this.
These role-choices deserve thoughtful, honest discussion, for they will
cause reactions ranging be-tween gratitude and hostility in the addict and
any enablers. Option - ask your partner and/or ex to read this and
appropriate related articles, and then to honestly say if and how s/he
wants to be involved. Then assert what you need. If you two (or
three) have a significant conflict about this, put
ahead of doing anything else. Start by reminding each other of your current
long-term life
and
Ideally, each adult
you ask to help you confront will...
-
be clearly guided
by his or her true Self, and will ...
-
have studied and discussed this article, or
equivalent; and will be willing to ...
-
discuss and follow these foundation
preparations fully.
Option - use this status check
to gauge the helper's knowledge.
And each qualified helper should...
-
be able to clearly describe their own reasons
(primary needs) for confronting; and s/he should...
-
want to join you in
preparing specifically for each
confrontation you want to make, whether phased or direct.
There are at least two downsides to this option. First, each additional
person you involve raises the odds you'll have to resolve conflicts over if,
who, how, and when to confront. Second, your target person is more apt to "resist"
(feel embarrassed, guilty, anxious, resentful, hurt, angry, and defensive)
if several people confront him or her. The local confrontation-preparations
above can help you handle this calmly.
Reflect on how you want to interview
prospective helpers to decide if you want to ask their help. You have
many choices. Four criteria to consider are...
-
who would have the most
impact on the addicted person?;
-
who is most likely to agree to help
you?
-
who is least likely to cause major polarization and uproar in
the target person's family if s/he confronts with you?, and...
-
who best
meets the criteria above?
Status Check -
on a scale of one (I want to
confront by myself) to 10 (I
want qualified help to confront), where do you rank yourself now ___? Is
your Self doing this ranking? If not - who is?
We're reviewing three options for direct
of addicts and/or
their enablers: confront by yourself, confront with one or two qualified
helpers, or plan and make a group "intervention." This page outlines the last of
these options, and recaps the whole article.
Plan and Make a Group
Intervention
Probably the most effective choice you can make toward
helping an adult hit bottom and want
to recover is to do a
well-planned group intervention. To intervene means "to come between." In this con-text, an intervention
is a planned group meeting to come between a self-medicating person and their
de-nials and compulsive toxic behaviors - i.e. to
respectfully force them to confront the effects of their be-havior.
The two goals of an
effective intervention are to...
motivate the addict to participate
in a qualified in-patient recovery program,
and to...
satisfy
the deep need that people who care about the addict and her or his family to do their best
to offer meaningful help - without feeling responsible.
If
the first goal isn't met, the second one may be.
Typical Intervention Steps
A
typical intervention starts with a concerned person who
decides there is enough of a problem to act on: e.g. you. You...
locate and consult with a
trained addictions counselor. Some people attempt interventions without
professional help, which lowers the odds of successful outcomes. If the
counselor agrees that an inter-vention is warranted after hearing your
situation, s/he will outline a version of the steps below,
and ask if you'll commit to them. If you commit, then...
the counselor asks you to
identify every relative, friend, co-worker, neighbor, professional (like
clergy or doctor), and church-mate who (a) are concerned for the addict, and
(b) have
been significantly affected by the addict's (or enablers') behaviors. This list includes
older kids, and people who live far away.
Next, the counselor
identifies or provides basic educational material about addictions, recovery,
and the intervention process. A specially helpful resource is
www.hazelden.com. Using those materials, you...
contact each adult and
child on the list in person or by phone, without telling
the addict. You ex-plain the
intervention goals and process, and ask if the person would be willing to
help. If s/he agrees, ask the helper to review the educational materials, and
thoughtfully write down several instances where the addict's actions
inconvenienced, hurt,
or concerned the them. The general format of each instance is...
"(Name), I really care
about you. On (date) at (place), you (did something recordable on video or audio
tape) which affected me (in these specific ways), and I felt _____."
An instance might sound
like "Jeff, last August 15th, you told Marcy and me you and your
partner would meet us at Granville's at 7 PM for dinner the following
Saturday. We waited at the restaurant for 50
minutes, and the Maitre d' said we had a phone call. It was your partner, who
apologized and saying you hadn't come home from work yet. Marcy and I were
hurt, puzzled, frustrated, and concerned, and were out the price of an
expensive baby sitter. You never offered us an explanation."
The intent is not to
shame, guilt-trip, attack, blame, or preach to the addict, but to
inform her or him factually of the impacts
of their behavior. Other goals are for each helper to affirm their deep concern for
the addict; and to respectfully describe new boundaries if
the target person chooses to make no change. The general format is...
"(Name), if you choose not to get
help now, the next time you (do specific addictive beha-vior) I'm going to (take some
specific non-punitive action)."
The addict can complain that this is a
threat,
power play, or a controlling
ultimatum. His or her defensive subselves may choose to see it that way,
rather than seeing each helper's statement as a respectful assertions with clear consequences.
Each helper's statement/s say “Because
I care for you and myself, I will no longer
you. You have free choice
on how to respond.”
With the counselor's help,
you research local addiction-recovery treatment facilities and pick one that
provides the best mix of reputation, service, accessibility, and cost.
Then you (a) negotiate a plan-ning date that helpers and the counselor can
attend, and you (b) make reservations for the addict at the treatment facility
without her or his knowledge.
Next, all you helpers - including older kids
- meet with the counselor. You introduce each
other, and the counselor facilitates planning the intervention and answers any
questions. You all...
-
reaffirm your common
goals (to help the addict hit bottom, and protect your integrities),
-
review key
realities about addiction and recovery;
-
rehearse and edit each helper's
anecdotes for objectivity, clarity, and impact; and...
-
discuss effective ways
of responding to the addict's likely reactions to hearing these
anecdotes and new consequences.
The counselor educates and coaches everyone, offering questions,
examples, suggestions, confronta-tions, and encouragement.
When everyone feels ready
enough, a you pick a date, time, and place for your intervention. Someone
approaches the addict with a fictitious request on that date, and gets his or
her agreement to come. S/He walks into a room where you all are gathered, and
someone explains that you're all there to help.
Introductions are made, and
the target person is respectfully asked to listen
without comment or explanation as each helper - including children - reads or
says her or his list of incidents and new behav-ioral limits.
The steady
emphasis is on caring confrontation, not blame. After the last one is
done...
You assert clearly and
directly: "We need you to go into treatment
right now. I've made all the
ar-rangements, your bag is packed and in the car, and the staff is expecting
you.”
Your
team expects and is ready to compassionately counter all the person's resistances. The addict
clearly agrees to start inpatient treatment, or s/he doesn’t. "I'll think about it"
or ”I’ll do it after (some future event)” are
not acceptable
responses. If s/he elects not to get inpatient help following your meeting,
you all must manifest “tough love”:
make good on the
consequences you described.
+ + +
This is a brief outline of a
complex, powerful process. It has great potential benefits, and significant relationship
risks. Not doing a well-planned
group intervention has
greater long-term personal and family risks. All
involved people are invited to commit firmly to their own welfare and that of
the addict and his or her family.
A well-informed,
well-planned intervention has the best long-term
chance of helping a compulsive self-medicator hit true bottom, break protective denials, and
learn healthier ways of reducing their
I know of no way to do a
pain-free intervention. Perspective: pain and discomfort
indicate that an adult or child needs to nurture (vs. neglect) themselves.
A helpful
resource is
"Intervention - How to Help Someone Who Doesn't Want Help," by Vernon E.
Johnson. There are
other
books and articles like it.
|
Stay aware that hitting true bottom and admitting
and successfully managing any of the
is the gateway to admitting and reducing the false-self
that underlie an addiction, and harmonizing the person's subselves under the
wise guidance of their
and
over time.
|
The best help you can offer
an
addicted (wounded) person and their family is to...
-
for
false-self wounds and
and make reducing them your highest priority
here);
-
keep your Self
of your personality, and affirm your own dignity,
rights, and
-
use the strength and wisdom of your Higher
Power to nourish and guide all of you;
-
learn and use the seven Lesson-2
in all your relationships;
-
respect the addict's
rights, dignity, and
needs as
with your own;
-
stay clear and teach others that
any
addiction is a
not just a personal one;
-
stay
clear that addiction is an unconscious attempt to reduce unbearable
inner pain - not a disease, shameful weakness, or "character
flaw;"
-
choose not to enable the addict by (a)
empathically confronting him or her and (b) respectfully enforcing clear
as
needed;
-
do what you can to
protect affected kids (and everyone
else) from the [wounds + ignorance]
-
get appropriate support (e.g.
Al-Anon,
Families Anonymous, or
equivalent); and...
-
Follow these wise
as you patiently do these things over time.
For perspective on relating to an
addicted mate,
ex-mate, or
child, follow the links.
+ + +
Status Check #2 - to gauge what you've learned from this four-page article,
re-take the first status check, and
then do this one:
I can name and clearly describe three
options for confronting an addicted person (T F ?)
I can describe at least four traits
of a typical addiction
enabler now (T F ?)
I can describe what "phased
confrontation" (planting seeds) is, and how to do it. (T F
?)
I can describe specifically
how to prepare for
personally confronting an addict or enabler now. (T F ?)
I can describe at least four
traits of
someone qualified to help me plan and confront an addict or enabler
(T F ?);
I can name the two main
objectives of a group confrontation. (T
F ?)
I can describe the main
steps in a group confrontation of an addict.
(T F ?)
I can say the
out loud now, and I use it often. (T F ?)
I can say out loud why I read this
article, and whether I got what I needed or not. (T F
?)
My true Self is
these items now. If not - who
is? (T F ?)
Pause and reflect - what are your subselves
now?
Recap
Addiction is a
widespread, often misunderstood, highly emotional stressor in typical
low-nurturance
families. These harmful compulsions seem very common in
troubled adults, kids, and their families.
Addiction is a problem by
itself, and a symptom of underlying psychological and family problems. Each
of the
of addiction unconsciously aims to self-medicate –
i.e. to
relieve relent-less
The relief is temporary, and the pain
inexorably increases over time. Unchecked, addictive attitudes and behaviors
reduce the family's
which
kids
psychologically. Until they're ad-mitted and reduced, wounds and
from low childhood nurturance
(co-parental
will silently
your generations.
Based on
30 years'
clinical training
and experience, this four-page article proposes that
all
addic-tions are symptoms of a low-nurturance childhood and related
false-self dominance and wounds: (a) ex-cessive shame, guilts, and fears,
(b) reality
and trust distortions, and sometimes (c) difficulty forming genuine bonds. The article also proposes
if any adult in your and/or any partner's ancestries has signs
of significant wound (including addictions) – you probably do too.
This article summarizes
addiction basics, including codependence
and enabling. It outlines three options you have if you feel an important
person may be or is addicted to a toxic substance, activity, mood state, or
relationship:
-
avoid or postpone confrontation,
-
prepare for it,
and...
-
do it, alone or with qualified help.
Your best-odds confrontation strategy is to organize an
effective intervention with qualified help, as outlined above.
If you
feel you have an addiction (wounds), go
here. If your family includes an addicted
mate,
ex mate,
relative, or
child, follow the links. For reliable information about
addictions and preliminary recovery, I recommend the
Hazelden Institute. Also
see the
Alcoholics Anonymous
(or other 12-step) Web
site. They all provide links to other helpful resources, including books,
programs, articles, and online
chat rooms and support groups. There is a lot of qualified help
available now!
Overall, if you and
any
partner feel any adult in your extended family was or is addicted,
your living and future kids
depend on you to act, vs. ignore it. Their psychological health and growth is in your hands. For
helpful perspective and many resources, see the
NACoA and
CoA
Web sites. Though they focus on children of chemically-dependent parents,
their concepts
apply to all minor kids in low-nurtur-ance families.
For more perspective, read these research summaries:
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
