Lesson 5 of 8 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance family
Perspective on Personal
and Family "Crises"The best way to manage them
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and enjoying high-nurturance families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide range of current U.S. social problems suggests that most families don't fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well. That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this nonprofit site.
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The purpose of this article is to raise your awareness of the meaning of crisis, disaster, over-whelm, and catastrophe. Without clear awareness, you risk unintentionally using these provocative terms to (a) increase personal and social stress, and (b) hinder effective needs-assessment and prob-lem-solving. The article offers...
perspective on crises;
what causes your reactions to a crisis?
Perspective
Recall several "crises" you have experienced personally. Then recall any situations that your relatives called a family crisis or catastrophe. To identify these, you're automatically referring to un-conscious criteria of "crisis" that you've learned during your life. Try saying out loud what (a) a "prob-lem" is, and (b) what has to be true for a "major problem" to become a crisis. Now try defining a dis-aster and a catastrophe out loud.
Have you ever been with someone who described "a crisis" or "catastrophe" which you felt wasn't one (by your definition)? People differ in their criteria, depending on their frame of reference. For exam-ple, a diagnosis of cancer, or a home that's wrecked by an exploding boiler can be called a tragedy, and an urban area wrecked by a volcano, tsunami, or hurricane with great loss of life and property qual-ifies (for most people) as a true crisis, disaster, and catastrophe for the survivors and their relatives.
These examples suggest several key criteria: typical tragedies, catastrophes, disasters, and crises involve potential or actual harm to - or loss of - precious tangible and invisible things, including people, pets, health, love, dreams, psychological securities, and relationships. A tragedy has usually already begun ("Their divorce is such a tragedy") or completed, while the dreaded outcome of a typical crisis hasn't occurred yet ("Will Pat's temporary blindness become permanent?")
Definition
All true crises, disasters, tragedies, and catastrophes refer to major changes and losses (broken bonds) causing exceptional pain and suffering for one or more people or animals. Common reactions to this are sudden intense emotions (e.g. high anxiety and pain), temporary disorientation, and impulsive (vs. thoughtful) reactions. If you've ever been in a major vehicle or boating accident, do you remember how you felt, thought, and did in the seconds before the incident?
People react differently to a given disaster (sudden major changes). Some are "cool and calm," others frozen (numb), and others "go to pieces." Some people focus on themselves, and others are concerned about another person or a group. What may seem like "a problem" or normal "stress" to you may seem like a huge crisis to a child or an aged dependent.
The way people and families react to crises (e.g. hysterically, rationally, impulsively, pessimistic-ally, intellectually, angrily, prayerfully, or "collapsing") shapes how well and how soon they recover. Does your family have a thoughtful "crisis plan" that you all help each other implement?
People often deny, minimize, or ignore potential disasters like medical emergencies and "the next big earthquake / wind storm / flood / drought / plague." Their creative Magician and Procrastinator per-sonality subselves hinders most people and regions from creating effective "contingency plans."
Do you react impulsively or instinctively to unexpected (startling) events - e.g. gasp, flinch, jump, cover your mouth or heart, and/or widen your eyes? Do you spontaneously say something like "Look out!" / "Oh NO!" / "Oh, my God! / "I don't believe this!" / etc.) without conscious thought? Have you ever wondered how you know to do that? Consider this explanation...
Over the centuries, many behavioral researchers have proposed that normal (vs. pathological) personalities are comprised of talented subselves, or parts, like the players in an orchestra or sports team. Each child and adult has a unique inner team of subselves. A universal subself, the true Self, is an expert group leader and crisis-manager - like a orchestra conductor, veteran sports coach, or a business CEO.
Depending on many factors, the Self (capital "S") can be disabled by other subselves who don't trust it to maintain safety or comfort. These well-intentioned subselves can make unwise or harmful decisions. When active (vs. relaxed), they can collectively be called a "false self," which causes char-acteristic traits and behaviors in adults and kids. The core purpose of all your subselves is to keep you safe NOW. Your Self is equally concerned with immediate and long-term safety and comfort.
Each subself has one or more unique talents, like orchestra players specializing in playing one instrument well. When crises (sudden dangers) are perceived, common subselves that may activate (cause thoughts, feelings, and actions) are...
a Scared Child, a Nurturer
an Historian
a Magician
a Catastrophizer, a Worrier
a Wise One
a Procrastinator a Practical Adult
a Numb-er
a Survivor, and...
When a group of semi-independent subselves like these all react at once, the resident true Self can be overwhelmed, and the child or adult (you) can disoriented and panicked. Because "subselves" are brain regions, they dynamically affect your glands, hormones, emotions, thoughts, perspiration, muscle tensions, breathing, and heart rate (pulse) in complex ways we don't understand yet. Some effects are "wired in" (instincts), and others are learned.
Adopting the concepts of [ subself + true Self + false self ], losses, and three-level grieving allows you to grow an effective way of...
reacting personally to crises and disasters, and...
helping others (like family members) do the same.
If you doubt the reality of (your) subselves, read this letter and try this safe, interesting experience. Then return here, and see how you feel about these premises. Option - explain the subself concept to others, and ask their reactions.
One of many implications of personality subselves is that they (you) can be experiencing an in-ternal crisis while being among other unaffected people. For example, if your boss calls you in to ex-press dissatisfaction with your performance, you can feel a real-time crisis wondering if you'll be fired (lose your status and securities). If s/he does fire you, you may describe the firing process and/or the results as "disasters." Can you recall the last time some of your subselves experienced a crisis, dis-aster, or catastrophe?
Since sudden scary personal, social, and environmental events are unavoidable, it's useful to know and teach younger people...
Some ways of reacting to a crisis or disaster are better than others. They minimize panic, disori-entation, confusion, overreacting, and promote restoring stable order more quickly. If a pre-teen asked you the best way to "handle" (react to) a disaster, what would you say?
Tho people and situations are unique, there are universal guidelines that usually apply. Let's take crises and disasters that are happening or imminent first, and then look at managing (reacting to) dis-asters and catastrophes that have just happened.
Managing Current Crises and Disasters
The single most impactful thing you can do if you're experiencing or expecting an internal, so-cial, or environmental crisis now is to see if your true Self is guiding your other subselves. That im-plies that you need to develop a reliable way of assessing yourself even if a false self dominates you.
You can use physical, emotional, and/or behavioral symptoms to assess. With practice, self-eval-uation will become automatic. So will learning how to free your true Self to resume inner leadership after being disabled.
The next most impactful thing you can do in any current crisis is to remind yourself of the vital dif-ference between surface (secondary) needs and underlying primary needs. When (a) your Self is steadily guiding you and (b) you're clear on the difference and can name common primary needs, then you can answer powerful questions like...
"What or who is in danger now?"
"What do I need most right now?
"What do I need next?"
What can and can't I change about this situation?"
"What resources do I need to satisfy my needs?"
"What do other affected people really need now - in general, and from me?"
Whose needs are most important to me now?"
What is the right thing to do in this situation?"
"What does this crisis mean to me (us)? What will I (we) need to grieve?"
Can you think of other vital questions your Self would need to answer in a current crisis? For per-spective, typical false-self questions are "Who's to blame for this (crisis)?"; "Why is this happening to me/us?"; "How can I profit from this crisis?"; "What did I do wrong here?"; and "What will people think of me/us now?"
Once you identify your current primary needs, rank them, and use effective-communication principles and skills to problem-solve (fill your and others' needs).
Another useful third crisis-management option is to stay aware of - and honor - your personal boundaries and integrity. Your well-meaning People-pleaser and Magician subselves may try to con-vince you to "bend the rules" to gain social approval and/or gain immediate relief. The long-range price of falling for these seductions is high - a loss of self-respect (shame), significant guilt, and perhaps the loss of trust of people important to you.
A sign that you may be violating your own boundaries or values is an "inner voice" (subself) that says "Don't do this!" Have you ever heard that voice? If so, what do you usually do? How do you feel about yourself later?
Another useful thing to do in high-emotion situations is to pay conscious attention to your breath-ing. A normal reflex for most startled and frightened people is to "stop" breathing, or to breathe rapidly and shallowly from their chest. That restricts oxygen to your brain. Intentionally breathing more deeply and slowly for a few moments can make it easier to regain true-Self control and act calmly on these other options. Putting a hand on your belly can remind you to do this "breathing check."
Also, consciously guard against your diligent Perfectionist or Idealist subselves' insistence that you must or can act perfectly in this critical situation - i.e. you should take full responsibility for "fixing" the situation, when this is impractical, unjustified, or impossible. A more helpful attitude is "I'll do the best I can."
A final conscious choice in reacting to a crisis is to notice your thoughts and language. If you reflexively think and speak hand-grenade (emotionally charged) expressions like mega, huge, crisis, doomed, disaster, total, and catastrophe, you risk terrifying and traumatizing your subselves and any people around you. That can promote your false selves taking over, and degrading how you all manage the situation together.
Notice your (subselves') reaction to these suggestions. Do you feel these options are do-able and useful? Practicing awareness and keeping your true Self in charge of your other subselves will make crisis-management choices like these automatic.
Finally, note that a set of options like these can form a "crisis management" policy for your family or any organization. What might happen if you had a family meeting and discussed options like these as teammates with common goals?
So far, we've focused on options for effectively managing a crisis or disaster that's happening now. Lets shift our focus to considering how to best...
Regain Stability After a Crisis or Disaster
A major goal of managing real-time crises is maintaining your personal and family safety and bal-ance. Once the calamity has happened, common goals are to help each other re-stabilize and grieve any significant losses (broken bonds).
Two ways to do this are passively (unconsciously) and intentionally. Most unaware people led by false selves will do the former - do you agree? If so, the moral is clear - to start regaining stability and order after a personal or family calamity, put your Self in charge, check your breathing, and intention-ally use a focusing exercise like this. Option - respectfully invite other affected people to do the same.
Many options above also apply here. A new one is to intentionally identify significant (a) personal and (b) family changes and losses. Do you agree that all losses are changes, but not all changes are losses? That's because some personal and family changes (like receiving a significant inheritance) cause no broken bonds.
Think back to a crisis you've experienced. Identify what changed in your personality, family, and life after the crisis "ended." What was unalterably different? Now ask yourself which of those changes caused you to lose something or someone of value, including relationships, securities, dreams, certain-ties, trust, respect, acceptance, inclusion (membership), and faith. Do you see the difference?
When you're undistracted, read these ideas about managing significant changes effectively, and see which of them you feel like adopting. If appropriate, invite other family members - including older kids - to read and discuss the article.
Becoming a pro-grief family is the focus of Lesson 3 in this nonprofit Web site. Are you (and any dependents) living in one now? Scan this link index for more info and options.
An important part of restoring order after a disaster is to evaluate "What have I learned from this experience?" A glass-half-empty outlook focuses tightly on the pain, loss, and disruption caused by a personal or family crisis or catastrophe. A glass-half-full attitude doesn't minimize or deny the changes and losses or their effects, and uses them to gain new knowledge, skills, and opportunities.
The fullness of "your glass" (your usual attitude) is directly related to which subselves usually run your life. How full would people who know you say your "glass" is?
If the changes and losses are complex and numerous, it may serve you (all) to invest time in planning how you're going to restore order and stability. A useful way to do this is to define the end results you want, "work backwards" from them to where you're starting, and brainstorm the best ways to meet your goals.
Then prioritize your plans, and decide who's best suited to do what to carry them out. Does this sound like how your subselves and family members restore order after a major upset or trauma? Doing this requires that your subselves and your family have competent leaders that the others trust and will follow. Does this describe your situation?
This article offers perspective on understanding and managing personal and family crises, calami-ties, catastrophes, and disasters effectively. It distinguishes (a) personal crises (among subselves) from interpersonal (e.g. family) crises, and (b) reacting to current disasters as they happen from those which have "ended" recently.
The article suggests options for managing any current or recent crisis well:
put your true Self in charge of your personality,
breathe well from your belly,
identify the current primary needs of you and any other affected people, and...
avoid using hand-grenade (emotionally explosive) thoughts and words to minimize panic and impulsive (unwise) reactions.
How do these options compare with your family-adults' current way of managing a crisis?
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Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else"?
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