Lesson 5 of 8 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance family


An Overview of the lethal [wounds + Unawareness] Cycle

Is it Stressing Your Family?

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

colorbar.gif

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/fam/cycle.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.

        This is one of a series of articles on evolving and enjoying high-nurturance families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide range of current U.S. social problems suggests that most families don't fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well. That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this nonprofit site.

        From 22 years' clinical research, this article proposes an unrecognized social process that is inex-orably weakening our families and our American culture. It may be a global problem. The process can be described as a self-amplifying three-part cycle unintentionally passed from one generation to the next.

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

        This article offers...

  What Is This Cycle?

        The three interactive parts of this destructive, costly generational cycle are public unawareness + widespread psychological wounds + public apathy about unqualified child conception and ineffective par-enting.

1)  public unawareness and ignorance of:

  • wise child conceptions and effective nurturing (parenting);

  • effective thinking, communication, and problem-solving skills;

  • healthy three-level grieving of inevitable life- losses (broken bonds); and...

  • psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods, and what they mean.  

These combine to cause...

2)  Epidemic psychological wounds in typical kids raised in low-nurturance families, which appear to be in the majority in America now:

  • a dysfunctional personality composed of talented subselves or parts. This causes...

  • excessive shame (low self esteem) and guilts; and/or...

  • excessive fears (of the unknown, failure, abandonment, rejection, aloneness, and success); and/or...

  • significant reality distortions, like denial, minimizing, idealizing, catastrophizing, projecting, over-simplifying, discounting, and intellectualizing; and/or...

  • difficulty trusting yourself, others, and a Higher Power appropriately; and for some...

  • an inability to (a) feel, empathize, and to (b) form healthy bonds with (love) some or all other people.

        These unawarenesses and wounds combine to cause...

3)  Public apathy and passive permission for this toxic cycle to pass down the genera-tions. That is, the public has not demanded or allowed legislation to humanely prevent un-qualified child-conception and low-nurturance parenting.

        The public and professional media are tacitly promoting public unawareness and per-mission by not headlining and illustrating the cycle and its widespread toxic effects. One result - society tries fruitlessly to reduce the effects (symptoms) of this self-amplifying cycle - e.g. ...

  • epidemic divorce

  • homelessness

  • addictions

  • gangs

  • suicide

  • murder

  • ADHD

  • obesity

  • racism

  • overcrowded jails
    and legal dockets

  • child and elder abuse and neglect,

  • destroying the Earth

  • psychosomatic illness

  • domestic violence

  • rampant legal suits

  • school drop-outs

  • unemployment

  • runaways

  • bankruptcies

  • abortions

  • crime

  • depression

  • mental illness

  • poverty

  • welfare

  • pornography

 Focusing on these secondary problems is like painting a house infested with termites.

        For perspective, consider how widespread just one of these 26 cycle-effects is now - legal and psy-chological divorce. It stresses over half of the U.S. population (estimated as 303 million in Feb., 2008) - probably more than AIDS, cancer, and heart disease.

        Does this three-part cycle make sense to you? Have you ever seen this concept proposed before? If not, why could that be?

  Why is the Public Unaware of This Cycle?

        Are you aware of the current global fear of a deadly bird-flu pandemic? Of the ominous predicted effects of global warming? Of the alarming rise in U.S. obesity in kids and adults? If so, how do you know of these? I suspect you'd say "TV, newspapers, magazines, and/or the Web" - yes?

        One reason the [wounds + unawareness] cycle is unknown to the public is that media editors and producers haven't featured it. Four possible reasons are...

  • no one has proposed and documented the cycle, or...

  • they have, but people don't (want to) believe it (once true of global warming, and looming oil and water shortages); and/or...

  • the public doesn't want to learn about the cycle and its effects because the implications are too scary and depressing - so media creators avoid alienating subscribers, viewers, and advertisers by not publicizing it. The ultimate reason may be...

  • To stop this toxic cycle, couples need to be certified to marry and/or raise kids - meaning some sort of government regulation. This is so intrusive and repugnant that any serious attempt to pass and enforce such legislation would probably cause riots.

 Discovering the Cycle

        By the improbable confluence of several factors. I was trained as a mechanical engineer (BSME, Stanford U.), and have always been curious about how things work (or don't). I'm also a trained, veteran (27 years) family-systems therapist (MSW), specializing in understanding and improving dysfunctional families and relationships. That led me to study effective communications and parenting, healthy and in-complete grief, and addiction dynamics and management.

        In 1986, I discovered "by accident" that my parents were both functional alcoholics - so I was (am) an "ACA" - Adult Child of an Alcoholic family. This explained much about my own painful life, and I began "recovery" from the psychological wounds of being raised in an addicted (low-nurturance) family. My heal-ing included shifting from 35 years' adult atheism to firm faith in - and experiencing - a benign, attentive Supreme Being.

        Soon after "accidentally" learning my ACA identity, I attended a Chicago seminar on "personality parts" and "internal-family systems therapy" by veteran psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz. It changed my life and the way I did therapy, and explained the roots of epidemic false-self wounding.

        I read voraciously about personal and family dynamics, multiple personalities, addictions, marriage, divorce, communications, spirituality, and various "mental illnesses." My learning was tested and expan-ded by working clinically with over 1000 average Midwestern U.S. adults with wide range of presenting problems since 1981.

        Though my clients' and students' stories were each unique, I began to see a pattern in their lives and ancestries (and mine). The theme that emerged was: many adults who were struggling with "mental illness," "mood disorders," and "relationship problems" (i.e. false-self wounds + unawareness + low-nurturance environments) said that their parents had come from "painful childhoods" also. And many troubled young parents seemed to be inadvertently wounding their own children, against all "common sense."

        None of the authors I studies integrated their theories into a coherent trans-generational systemic concept. We researchers and students were all like the allegorical five blind men discovering an ele-phant: Feeling the trunk, one says "It is a snake." Feeling the belly, a second man says "No, It is a boulder." The third man felt a massive leg, and said "You're both wrong - it's a tree." The next man felt the tail, and snorted "How can you be so blind? It's a rope!" The last man guffawed and said "you're all wrong - it's a palm frond." He was exploring the elephant's ear.

        As I composed the articles in this Web site over many years and the six related guidebooks, the "elephant" (cycle) coalesced. Evidence of it continued to mount in my client contacts and family - and now I see its symptoms everywhere. Web-site visitors' feedback and poll-responses consistently confirm it. For example, 80% of the site visitors responding to the poll question "Do you believe in personality subselves?" say "Yes, without question."

How Does the Cycle Work?

        Here's a summary. At any given time (past or present)...

Widespread public ignorance, unawareness, and denial promote...

Public and religious values, traditions, and laws that allow couples to commit
and conceive children before most are qualified to do so. This causes...

Epidemic unwise (a) marital and (b) child-conception choices
and ineffective family communication + grieving + parenting. So...

Most kids get inadequate nurturing and training on these topics at home
and school, so most of them develop significant psychological wounds, and...

millions of kids must adapt to parental psychological or legal divorce, because
their wounded, unaware caregivers aren't able to fill their marital needs.

Survivors of this cycle grow up and - without [ hitting bottom +
self-motivated  personal healing + effective help ] -
unconsciously
repeat and spread the cycle down the generations.

The spreading wounds and ignorance in our society promote (a) significant health
problems and shorter lives, and (b) most major social problems (above).

Once citizens, parents, and legislators are aware of this social dynamic and its toxic impacts, they (we) can break the cycle through appropriate education, recovery programs, and new laws.

  What Does the Cycle Mean?

        A  comprehensive answer to this question merits a whole book.

        One meaning is that most (all?) small and large efforts to reduce the main secondary social problems of our Era (above) are ineffective and repeatedly waste scarce time, money, and energy because they ignore the underlying two primary problems: epidemic unawareness and psychological (false-self) wounds.

        A vivid example is the growing American obesity epidemic, despite widespread dietary and nutri-tional programs and increasing public education. This trend suggests that most Americans aren't motiva-ted by the very real threat of fat-related health risks like diabetes, strokes, and heart disease. This illus-trates the prevalence of the psychological wounds of shame (self-devaluing and neglect) and reality dis-tortion - (e.g. denials: "I'll never get sick because I'm overweight").

        Another sobering cycle-effect is the unremarked American divorce epidemic, which stresses mil-lions of adults and kids every year and causes many secondary personal and social problems. For an example of the cycle's effect on a real stepfamily couple and their kids, read this

        A third meaning of this cycle is the unyielding, prevalent costly social problem of addictions and their widespread personal, family, and social effects. The proliferation of various 12-step "Anonymous" programs in cities and villages across the world implies how widespread the desire to break compulsive self-medication against relentless inner pain caused by low-nurturance childhood wounding and their effects.

         Perhaps the most compelling meaning is that - until an aware public decides to protect them - millions of vulnerable American (and global?) kids (like yours?) are growing up with preventable psycho-logical wounds which will degrade their health, relationships, and lives until and unless they hit true per-sonal bottom (usually in mid-life) and choose to admit and patiently reduce their wounds. By that time, their own kids have often begun to adapt by forming their own personality-wounds, as the cycle inexora-bly spreads.

        One final mega-meaning of this cycle is the widely-accepted reality that humans are changing the Earth's ecological balances in ways that are already disrupting global societies and life-species. Scien-tists are increasingly vocal and unified in warning that civilization faces major threats because humans are squandering and polluting our fresh water, land, and atmosphere.

        The [wounds + unawareness] cycle promotes personal and social denial, self-gratification, overstim-ulation (distraction), and a self-defeating short-term focus, which combine to promote widespread dis-counting of our imminent ecological threats.

# Reality Check - how many people do you know who are making significant lifestyle changes to reduce the coming severe effects of global warming and pending energy and water shortages? Are you? 

        These implications are illustrative, not comprehensive. The general and specific effects of the growing [wounds + unawareness] cycle in every sector of modern life are beyond summarizing here. Pause and notice what you're thinking and feeling now. Do you know which of your diligent personality subselves are causing them?

        The good news is - once people (like you) understand and accept this cycle - they (we) can break it and protect future generations from its effects. Before looking at your options, take a...

# Reality Check - try answering these out loud... Reflect and see where you stand on the ideas above. T- true, F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on... (what?)"

I understand and accept the concepts of personality subselves, true Self, and false self
(T  F  ?)  If you're doubtful or unsure, read this letter and then try this safe, interesting exer-cise.
For perspective, about 80% of site visitors responding to a poll say "Yes, personality subselves are real, without question."

I can name (a) each of the six common false self wounds, and (b) at least three things they mean (T  F  ?)

I am motivated to assess myself honestly for significant false-self wounds now  (T  F  ?)

I accept that average kids raised by wounded, unaware parents are at significant risk of developing psychological wounds and being ruled by a false self.  (T  F  ?)

I can describe four things typical adults are unaware of, and at least four vital topics that they are often uninformed about.  (T  F  ?)

I can describe the main steps in the [wounds + unawareness] cycle clearly to an average high school senior now (T  F  ?)

I can explain at least four common effects of the cycle on families and society. (T  F  ?)

I can explain why most people are unaware of the cycle and its effects. (T  F  ?)

I am very motivated now to protect the young people in my life from the effects of this cycle. (T  F  ?)

My true Self is responding to this reality check or I know which other subself is. (T  F  ?)

Can We Break the Cycle?

        YES! This series of prevention articles proposes three practical steps you - or anyone - can tailor and apply to protect (a) your family and descendents first; and (b) then our society, by raising public awareness.

        There are four potential groups who can spread the word: recovering Grown Wounded Children  (GWCs), concerned parents, and public health and media professionals. A critical factor that must pre-cede alerting the public is methodical research to test and validate the [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this article. 

Recap

        This article is part of a series on understanding, identifying, and reducing false-self wounds and related unawareness (Lesson 1). It proposes an ancestral cycle of [wounds + unawareness] silently spreading down our generations, weakening our society, and damaging our Earth. The article describes...

  • the three components of the cycle (can you name them?),

  • how the cycle operates

  • likely reasons why the public is unaware of the cycle so far

  • a summary of how I (the author) discovered the cycle,

  • five of the many harmful effects of the cycle on persons, families, and society, and...

  • a link to a series of articles on how to break the cycle in your family and in society.

        Pause and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise true Self, or 'some-one else'?

<<  Prior page  /  Add to favorites  /  Print page  /  Email this article's address  >>

colorbar

 site intro  /  course overview  /  site search  /  definitions  /  forums contact  copyright info

Updated January 08, 2010