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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S.
social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
proposed in this nonprofit Web site .
This article proposes basic premises about "healthy" (functional, or
high-nurturance) families and other groups. Read this to clarify what
you believe, and to prepare to use this family-health
This 2-part video about families provides perspective to
what you'll read in this article: The video mentions eight
lessons in this
self-improvement Web site. I've reduced that to
With your childhood and present families in mind, see if you
Agree, Disagree, or are ambivalent
or unsure (?)
about these proposals:
Premise 1) Families
have existed in every age and culture because they fill some
(nurture) better than other human groups.Any family can be ranked somewhere
between very low nurturance (dysfunctional) to very high nurturance
(funcstional), (A D ?)
From one (very low) to 10 (very high),
how would you rate the "nurturance
level" of the family you grew up in? If you're a parent, how high
will each of your kids rank the nurturance level of their childhood
family when they are, say, 35? By the end of this article, you'll have a
better idea of how to answer these questions.
2) The core purposes of
all families are to:
accessible refugewhere each member can
feel consistently accepted + valued + appreciated + safe
+ useful + supported + encouraged - i.e.loved.
Many families also...
nurture children - i.e. provide for their
and growth, and work patiently to prepare minor kids to
become healthy, self-sufficient, productive adults, and
responsible parents and citizens. (A D
Can you think of any other reasons families exist?
3)The wholistic health of a person or a
family is their current blend of emotional +
spiritual + mental + physical health. Typically,family members make subjectivejudgments about their personal and family
wholistic health whichmore objective
observers may dispute.
adult leaders of a family are responsible for
how nurturing their home and family are over time. The
nurturance level of their physical family directly mirrors
(a) the nurturance level and harmony of each adult's
personality (inner family of
and (b) how well they know some
core topics . (A
Average children raised in a
low-nurturance family and environment
automatically seek to surviveby developing a disabled true Self and up to five
other psychological wounds. Without informed help and a
higher-nurturance environment, such kids grow up to continue
the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
unconsciously choose wounded partners,
and often divorce one or more times,
their own health and longevity, and...
low-nurturance home for any kids they care for despite
vows not to. (A D
6)Typical women and men with
don't see themselves as psychologically wounded or
their family as being "low nurturance" (denial). Other
wounded people may say "Sure I have some wounds - everyone
does," and they deny, minimize, or ignore what that
7)Typical high-nurturance families have specific
that lower-nurturance families don't have.
8) Family leaders can learn how to
reduce their psychological wounds and raise their inner
and outer families' nurturance levels at anytime. (A
that stresses millions of families is largely due
most mates denying or ignoring
their wounds and unawareness;
the (wounded, unaware) public
not demanding legislation to improve the nurturance
levels of the nation's families. (A D
Premise 10) Typical
family adults and supporters need to know the information
summarized here to...
Understand the common
of the [wounds + unawareness]
, so they can assess...
whether any of their
family members are
so they can...
courting partners make three informed
themselves and their descendents and society from the
cycle of low childhood nurturance
(A D ?)
Recall - these are
basic premises about families to help you clarify what you
nurturance-levels of your birth and present families
powerfully affect your
achievements, priorities, and relationships. (A
many choices about assessing and improving your current
level. Begin by studying
Lesson 1 and using these
tools. Then decide if you want to act. People ruled by false
selves often aren't motivated to do this unless they
12) Family leaders who provide
high-nurturance homes were usually well-nurtured by their early caregivers at home, school, and
church. High personal wholistic health and family nurturance seem to
reproduce naturally, and vice versa: low childhood
nurturanceand related psychological wounds
the generations, until identified and intentionally
healed. (A D ?)
Do you have dependent
children and/or grandchildren?
13) High-nurturance organizations, like schools, teams, committees,
churches, communities, governments, and businesses all have
common traits. Typical
group members display characteristic behaviors like
these. People whose
have high-nurturance levels tend to join or create
high-nurturance social environments, and vice versa. (A
Families and other groups which
don’t fill members' current
primary needs (nurture)
very well are called
Most U.S. (and other?) families and schools appear to be moderately to
very dysfunctional. It's our current cultural norm,
so few people are concerned enough to work toward raising
public awareness and
revising state and federal laws to improve this. (A D
Premise 15)Key questions about
any family (like yours) are:
is or was it (very low to very high) for all members -
i.e. how many of these nurturing traits have been consistently present?, and...
psychological, physical, and spiritual
has this had on each family member?
16) Kids who consistently get enoughnurturanceat home, school, and church (a
subjective judgment) usually mature into what may be called
Nurtured Children, or GNCs.Adults who were
unintentionallydeprived in early childhood of "too
many" nurturances by adult neglect, abandonment, and
abuse *trauma) may be calledGrown Wounded Children or GWCs.
Each of your family adults falls (subjectively)
somewhere on a line between "major GNC" and "major GWC."
This has implications personal,
marital, and family harmony or stress. (A D ?)
17) My clinical researchsince 1979
suggests that most
troubled and divorcing couples are GWCs in denial
of their wounds and their
toxic effects. Few family adults,
or legislators seem to (want to) know this. Many are wounded
themselves and in denial. (A D
Premise 18) Typical
GWCs and their kids exhibit clear personal traits and group
behaviors. These traits, and
characteristics of their childhood
family and their ancestral
family trees, provide four ways to
assess for significant psychological
wounding.Accepting and reducing (vs. curing)
break the unseen generational
bequest of significant wounds and unawareness,
recovering adults raise the nurturance levels of
their relationships and families. (A
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - what did you just
about families build on those underlying this nonprofit Web site. Note that the
Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris,
2011, 4th edition) integrates key Lesson-1 Web articles. It
focuses on understanding and identifying psychological
wounds and practical options for reducing them.
With all this in mind, meditate on these
thoughts from and about the
kids in your life. Then pause and
reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
do you need now?