Lesson 5 of 8 - evolve and enjoy a high-nurturance family
	Resolve Family Loyalty Conflicts p. 1 of 3 By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/fam/lc.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on evolving and enjoying high-nurturance families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide range of current U.S. social problems suggests that most families don't fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well. That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle proposed in this nonprofit site.  

     These pages focus on one of three inter-related relationship stressors - loyalty (priority) conflicts. The other two are values conflicts and relationship triangles. These are specially common, complex, and impactful in typical low-nurturance, divorcing, and step families. Typical lay and professional adults have little awareness of (a) what causes these stressors, (b) their combined impacts on families and other groups, and (c) how to avoid and resolve them effectively.

        These three pages cover...

• What are loyalty conflicts?

• What causes them?

• How adults can avoid and resolve loyalty (priority) conflicts in biofamilies and stepfamilies.

• A worksheet to help you learn how your family handles loyalty conflicts now..

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site self-study Lessons 1-5 an overview of three related family stressors Healthy grieving basics - slides or text Options for resolving values conflicts this example of resolving a loyalty conflict

 What are Loyalty (Priority) Conflicts?

        They are unavoidable social situations where two people disagree or dislike each other, and each expects a third person to support them.

        Any adult or child in a family can feel "caught in the middle." If they support one person, they risk the other feeling hurt, be-trayed, and/or "second best." If they choose neither person ("I'm staying out of this.")  both people may feel hurt and resentful.

        Loyalty dilemmas are a kind of universal relationship stressor - values conflicts - clashing prefer-ences or beliefs, like "I'm a meataholic, and you're a vegetarian - so what do we have for dinner?) Both stressors are specially prevalent in average troubled, divorcing, and step families

       Usually there are more than two people depending on the person in the middle. Also note that these conflicts can occur between people thousands of miles apart, and may include babies in the womb or a crib, dead people, and someone's Higher Power or hero/ine or mentor.

        As you learn to spot and master values and loyalty conflicts in your relationships, you'll often need to identify and resolve one or more Perse-cutor - Rescuer - Victim relationship triangles. Can your family adults do this yet? Do your kids know what these three common stressors are yet? Who's responsible for teaching them?

  Why are Loyalty Conflicts Stressful?

        If you've experienced versions of these dilemmas, you know the an-swer. These conflicts stress individuals, couples, and families because they promote hurt, resentment, guilt, shame, confusion, and blame. That is, they lower family nurturance levels and hinder healthy personal devel-opment. Do you agree?

   What Causes Loyalty Conflicts?

        Tho all situations are unique, several common factors promote these stressors in all human groups. Can you name them? How about...

• Personal and social unawareness, and...

• lack of knowledge - specially of effective communication basics and skills, and...

• significant false-self wounds and possibly incomplete grief in one or more people.

Once people are aware of these factors, they can reduce each of them over time. Before looking at op-tions to do this, let's explore

   What are Loyalty Conflicts Like for Kids?

        Over-busy (distracted), wounded adults risk not appreciating what family values and loyalty conflicts feel like to typical minor children. Typical pre-teens lack the understanding and vocabulary to alert adults to their reactions and specific needs, They may experience two kinds of stress: (a) anxiety when other people are conflicted ("who do I side with here?"), and (b) when they are part of a loyalty dispute - speci-ally when feeling "in the middle.".

        Normal young kids are egocentric -  Lacking age-appropriate adult explanations and reassurances, they often feel responsible for tensions in their home. Sometimes that causes "tantrums" which signal inexpressible [confusion + frustration + anxiety + guilt + shame] - "overwhelm." Remember how this feels? When did you last feel overwhelmed?  

         Typical minor kids in low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") families unconsciously protect themselves from overwhelm ("pain") by a mix of...

• numbing and/or distracting themselves (including fantasizing),

• distancing from their adults emotionally and/or physically),

• "acting out" at home and/or school, and/or...

• "getting depressed."

        Unaware, wounded caregivers are apt to make the child the problem, rather than looking at whether their family and parenting dynamics are filling a "problem child's" needs well enough. This is specially likely in divorcing and step families.

        Bottom line - loyalty and values conflicts (and triangles) are specially stressful for kids because they (a) don't understand them, (b) can't articulate what they feel and need, (c) may feel over-responsible for them, and (d) their caregivers may not understand or empathize with this.

        Kids need their adults to (a) adopt a family-system awareness, (b) guard them from adult conflicts, and (c) evolve an effective strategy to avoid or dissolve loyalty and other disputes. Are your adult doing that now? If not - what's in the way? 

Options for Managing Loyalty Conflicts

        Some options apply to all families, and others to average divorcing families and stepfamilies. We'll look at both. Follow the links for more detail on each choice.

Options for All Families

        To avoid or manage all relationship stressors...

• adopt a long-range viewpoint and the open mind of a student.

• study these premises about "relationship problems" and adapt them to fit you and your family;

• become familiar with the [wounds + unawareness] cycle that causes most stressors, and ask your family adults to learn about it too;

• assess yourself and other family adults and kids for false-self wounds, and commit to a personal recovery program as appropriate. Invite your family adults and older teens to do the same, being prepared for false-self disinterest and "resistance."

• Learn to recognize when a false-self controls you or others. Then learn how to (a) free your true Self and to (b) relate well-enough to wounded adults and kids.

• Learn effective-communication basics and skills, and invite other family members to do the same. Help each other learn how and when to discover the primary needs causing your relationship prob-lems.

• tailor these ideas about improving communication effectiveness with adults and kids, and adapt them to fit you and your situation.

• Ask other family adults and older kids to join you in learning how to understand and spot values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles - and how to separate them, because they often occur together.

        Illustrate loyalty conflicts by having a person tug on each extended arm of a third per-son, and say "C'mon - side with me!" with some energy. Then ask the person in the middle to describe how this felt and what s/he needed.

• Invite all family adults and kids to develop a loyalty-conflict language. That can sound like:

"We have a loyalty conflict here, and _________ is in the middle."

• Evolve an adult strategy for resolving family loyalty conflicts. Elements can include...

  • agree to devote enough undistracted time to resolve them. View this as an investment in family (or relationship) harmony.

  • make sure everyone understands the difference between win-win- problem-solving and these lose-lose alternatives. 

  • ask each person to identify what they need, and why. Use hearing checks to confirm each person hears the others clearly.

  • discuss whose needs are most important. The ideal decision is "All our needs our equally important here and now," Emergencies and disabled people may be exceptions.

  • use effective communication skills to brainstorm a solution that fills each person's needs well-enough for now.

  • if your strategy works well enough, appreciate each of you. If it doesn't, discuss what got in the way, and learn from that. The most common blocks are false-self wounds, unaware-ness, and not knowing how to communicate effectively.

  • teach any young people in your life how to do this, and encourage them to try it.

        Reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? Do you feel these options would help you resolve most loyalty conflicts? If not - why? Are you willing to try these options and see what happens?

Continue with additional options for typical divorcing families and stepfamilies or a worksheet to learn how your family resolves loyalty conflicts now.

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Updated  March 06, 2010