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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
enjoying
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S. social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
proposed in this nonprofit site.
This is one of
a series of
Web pages exploring three stressful social dynamics: values
and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles.
Other articles describe...
-
Options for analyzing and
resolving most relationship
problems
-
Options for resolving
Loyalty conflicts
are a kind of values conflict.
-
Options for resolving
family
and...
-
Options for resolving divisive
[persecutor-victim-rescuer] relationship
and...
-
What win/win compromising (problem solving) sounds like.
A
loyalty
conflict is a situation where someone feels
two or more other people
who each want attention or priority now (e.g. "Support me
now, not her or him!"). Such conflicts occur in all human
groups. They're specially common and complex in troubled,
and
families.
No one is wrong or bad if they happen!
Family loyalty conflicts can erupt over
almost anything: clothes, money, pets, chores, language,
child discipline, friends, privacy, worship, vacations, meals, space, attitudes, holidays, rules,
objects, grooming, etc.
This worksheet aims to (a) help you learn
something about such conflicts in your family, (b) suggest some choices, and
(c) to
promote discussion and awareness among your family
members about them. This worksheet is not about
blaming - it's about learning!
Print the worksheet, find an undistracted place,
and check to see if your
is
your
If not, your results below may be skewed. Fill out the
worksheet thoughtfully, and ask others
in your stepfamily to do the same.
Then
discuss your findings - as fellow explorers and teammates, vs. opponents or
competitors. If you can't do that yet, you have some
other
relationship issues...
+ + +
Name
three things
that cause repeated
between three or more members of your family now:
1) _________________________________________________________________________________
2) _________________________________________________________________________________
3) _________________________________________________________________________________
Pick
one of these problems.
Name the person who
feels stuck "in the middle" between two or more other family members:
In this conflict, what does this "middle" person
What do (you think) each of the other people involved
really
needs
here? Possibilities: love, attention, respect, listening, to feel
valued, reassurance, safety, strokes, validation, affirmation, information,
clarity,...
_________________ needs...
_________________ needs...
and
_________________ needs...
How
do these people usually try to
resolve their loyalty conflict? Check
one or more:
_ They hold a group meeting and
discuss the problem as _ equals or _ unequals;
_ One or more people can't
or won't say clearly what they want;
_ Some people ( who?_______________________________________________) don't _ care or
_
understand what the others want;
_ Someone ( who?
________________________ ) orders the other/s to do it their way;
_ The group cooperatively
brainstorms different solutions, _ tries one or more, and _
the conflict usually gets lastingly resolved;
_ The original problem gets
tangled up with others, and gets lost after a while (no lasting solution or decision);
_ Other people are called in (
who? _____________________ ) to help, fight, or decide;
_ Someone ( who?
__________________________ ) changes the subject;
_ People bargain and compromise
successfully: "I'll do this if you do that...";
_ Some people _ blame,
_ argue, _ plead, _ yell, _ leave, _ whine, _ cry, _ collapse,
_ threaten, _ rage, _ get even, _ numb out, _ pout, and/or …
_ ______________________________, and _ ____________________________
Who? does these?
_ Other typical outcomes:
_ Everyone, _ no
one, or _ _____________________
usually gets s/he needs here;
When the conflict ends, the "middle" person here probably
feels _______________,
and the others pro-bably feel
The next time this (or a similar) loyalty conflict occurs, the outcome would
improve if (who does what differently - be specific):
Thoughts / feelings / awarenesses...
Option: use this worksheet periodically with all family members to track
and affirm your group progress in mastering your loyalty
conflicts over time. Keep in mind,
this worksheet is not about blaming
or fault-finding - it's about learning!
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you used this worksheet. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
February 25, 2010
