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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
enjoying
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S. social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
That suggests the epidemic effects of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
proposed in this nonprofit site.
This series
assumes you're familiar with
Family "How-to" authors often suggest "have a family
meeting," and assume adyults know how to do that. In my experience,
(a) combinations of five common
often prevent such
meetings from being productive, and (b) most men and women don't know how to
overcome this. This article...
-
defines an
effective family meeting,
-
proposes
why
such meetings are hard to do in typical families,
-
outlines how
adults can prepare to conduct effective meetings,
-
offers
suggestions for successful outcomes, and...
-
provides a
menu of useful topics.
What's an
Effective Family Meeting?
Premises: your family members (and the rest of us) communicate ceaselessly to
fill local mixes of up to
Meetings
occur when some member/s want to communicate with several other people to do one
or more of these:
-
Exchange ("discuss") information;
-
Clarify something - reduce confusion and
doubt;
-
Create something
- like a vacation or holiday plan;
-
something
(solve a problem) - i.e. reduce someone's discomfort/s;
-
Strengthen bonds, relationships,
and group harmony; and/or to...
-
Enjoy a common activity together.
Can you think of other reasons to have a
meeting?
You've attended thousands of in/formal meetings in your life. Why
have some been more satisfying and effective than others? I propose that the
odds for all your family members feeling "That was a good
(non-emergency) meeting!"
rise when your co-parents meet conditions like these:
-
Everyone is
clear _ who called the meeting, _ why, and _ who leads it. In a home or
family, there will usually be adult co-leaders. Where so, the co-leaders
personal meeting agendas need to match well enough;
-
The leader/s
pick a time and place to meet that optimizes everyone's comfort; and...
-
They acknowledge
that each (a) person attending has
several surface and primary
that probably
conflict, and that (b) everyone's needs are
-
Leaders
acknowledge that long-term group needs may outrank short-term
needs, and that some family members (like kids) won't know or care about
long-term needs; and...
-
They conduct the
meeting so that everyone feels heard and respected well enough; and...
-
The meeting
leader/s...
-
consistently
and
any relevant
conflicts between participants, within local restraints (like
time and patience), while...
-
keeping the meeting focused
on the original agenda (needs);
-
At the end of
the meeting, the leader/s may summarize (a) what happened, and (b) any
responsibilities and actions that were agreed on. They
may (c) check to see how satisfied each participant feels, and (d) thank
everyone for contributing.
-
When appropriate, someone will let other
family members know what happened at the meeting, and how the meeting's outcome may affect
them. ("We've decided to become a smoke-free home.")
| By definition: at the end of an effective family meeting,
each adult and child will feel
their needs for respect, information, and comfort were met well
enough. |
How does this set of criteria match your idea
of "what's needed for an effective family meeting?" If you've tried such
meetings, how did they turn out? As you see, many factors determine how well
each person's needs get met.
What's Harder about Stepfamily Meetings?
Compared to typical intact biofamilies,
average stepfamilies have (a) more
reasons to have effective meetings, and (b) more factors that prevent
effective meetings:
There
are
usually more adults and kids, living in
- so picking
a time and place that suits everyone is often harder; and...
Often,
adults and kids are unclear on - or disagree about - their family
(responsibilities);
Some
adults and kids may not have had enough time to
many losses,
adjust to family changes, and
form mutual respect, trust, and caring ("bond"); and...
The multi-year complexity of
three or more
biofamilies into a stable stepfamily usually produces more concurrent,
interactive "problems" - e.g. complex conflicts over...
-
_ values, _
priorities, and _ assets; and family...
-
("We
are not a stepfamily!");
-
("Your ex wife is not part of
my family!");
-
names and
titles ("I don't want to call my stepmother 'Mom'!");
-
("But
we always open the presents the night before!");
-
("What's
an effective stepparent? Stepdaughter? Half-brother? Ex
brother-in-law?); and...
-
family rules
(e.g. about household chores, and child discipline and visitations).
This means that
it can be a real challenge for
typical co-parents to focus a stepfamily mee-ting on one or a few needs
without getting tangled up in other current stressors. This is spe-cially
likely if the adults are (a) significantly
and (b)
of the difference
be-tween surface and primary
and effective
communication
(
Another reason stepfamily meetings may not satisfy everyone is...
Typical
new (and many veteran) stepfamily kids and adults share no meaningful
family
or vision -
so their sense of teamwork, cooperation, and common purpose is weak and
undeveloped; and finally...
Average
stepfamilies can differ from intact biofamilies in over
60 ways - so it's common for
stepfamily kids and adults to have unrealistic (biofamily-based)
expectations of themselves and each
other. This makes identifying and solving family role and relationship problems tougher, until
co-parents help everyone learn and accept stepfamily
realities
|
These factors don't
mean you can't have effective stepfamily-member meetings. They do
mean your co-parents need to do
their homework before attempting such meetings, to get good outcomes. What homework?
|
Prepare...
The summary answer is: average co-parents need to co-commit significant effort to
before
deciding to form or join a stepfamily. In real life, few co-parents are
aware of this, or see
any need to do these Lessons. If this describes you, then consider "plan B"
below.
If you feel "What's so difficult about adults and kids sitting down
to discuss something together?", consider what it takes for an average
professional coach or conductor to have an effective meeting with a group of
rookie or conflicted players.
Co-managing a multi-home stepfamily well in the face of these widespread
is at least
as complex as leading a professional sports team or orchestra! If
you're skeptical, ask the nearest veteran co-parent.
"Plan 'B' " (if
You Didn't Prepare in Courtship)
You
adults acknowledge and agree together on your stepfamily
and what it
to all your
members. If these topics bring up significant conflicts, resolve them before
attempting a family meeting - or lower your expectations;
Help each other take these four
honestly, as teammates.
Study and discuss where their links take you until you each can answer the
questions "well enough." Expect this to take several weeks or months. In
particular, learn the difference between effective
and these
popular
Read and discuss this overview of surface
and primary stepfamily problems, and these premises about what you need to
know (a) to evolve a high-nurturance
stepfamily and (b) solve any
role or relationship problem. Tailor these to fit what you
co-parents each believe. Next...
Read and discuss these overviews of how to effectively resolve
and
(priority)
conflicts and associated relationship
Guarantee: you
all will be confronted by many of these inevitable
stepfamily stressors for years - in daily life, and any family meetings!
Then...
Read
and apply these summaries of what typical minor stepchildren
need to develop and to
adjust to all their confusing family
changes, roles, and relationships. Option: read these suggestions about
assessing each of your stepchild's needs.
Then...
Browse and discuss these questions every co-parent ought to research, and then scan this
mosaic of stepfamily topics to note any of special relevance to you
all; Finally...
Discuss and adapt these ideas about leading an effective
support-group meeting to leading effective
family-member meetings in your home/s.
If you co-parents are willing to invest time and effort in this
(considerable) amount of study and discussion, I believe you'll be prepared
enough to plan and facilitate effective family meetings. Every
stepfamily is different, so you adults may need more or fewer preparations
than these.
Because this is a lot of work, help each other stay
motivated by maintaining a long-term
of the
you're working to build together. Do you have such a vision yet?
Suggestion Checklist
Discuss these options, and select those you think would
help your kids and adults all get your needs met more often. These
suggestions come from listening to well over 1,000 typical co-parents
describe their stepfamily experiences and successes, and my own
sweet/sour step-experiences. Option: print this and use it to make a checklist/guide...
_ 1)
Work
to evolve clear awareness of
when
are
your
co-parents'
When they
are, your odds of
planning and facilitating effective family meetings go way up - and vice versa!
_ 2) Evolve agreement among your
co-parents as to what constitutes an effective family meeting.
Then use this to monitor your effectiveness together, over
time.
Option: at the end of any meeting, ask each person to honestly grade
how useful it was to them - e.g. 1 to 10. Use high "grades" to affirm you all,
and low grades as a chance to improve ("What would have made this
meeting better / more useful / helpful / interesting for you?").
_ 3) If some adults or kids resist
family meetings, or come but don't participate, see that as a chance to
learn, not to blame them and/or avoid meeting. Their disinterest,
reluctance, or cynicism is probably some mix of barriers like
With patience and
empathy, each such barrier can be reduced over time as you merge your
biofamilies.
Note that evening meals
may serve as natural family-meeting times, if you don't overdo it. Option:
consider inviting "resistant" members to come as an "observer," so they "know what's
going on." Often - specially in meetings that affect them in/directly -
they'll join in...
_ 4)
Work
out some clear adult
criteria for when to have a
meeting of several of your members, vs. having one or more focused
discussions with one or two people. The latter are usually a lot simpler!
_ 5) Develop the habit of
and
prioritizing together to determine clearly
-
what you and each other person
needs,
-
in what order, and...
-
who's really responsible for filling each
need. Also,...
-
break complex
problems into smaller "chunks" (goals).
These two habits will
help you consistently set clear family-meeting agendas, and provide a useful example for
your kids.
_ 6)
Make
(vs. "find") time to plan
important meetings and discussions
first. Consider things like...
-
who
should attend and
-
why (what type of meeting will it be - informational,
problem-solving, family-building, or enjoyment);
-
when and where to meet;
-
who should lead, and...
-
why;
-
who has the shortest attention span;
-
what specific outcome/s you want; and
-
limiting the agenda to just a few targets. A series of
short, focused, effective meetings is more nurturing to your family than
several long, boring, and/or complicated meetings.
_ 7)
Help all your adults and
kids learn to talk about
Such talk includes
learning how to say "I just got a '1-up' or '1-down' message from you."
Awareness of your R-messages and attitudes is vital to
in or out of a
family meeting!
_ 8) Explain what
conflicts,
conflicts, and
relationship
are to every
family mem-ber, and discuss your ideas on how best to spot and
resolve each
of these common family stressors. Option: interest kids in this by
inviting them to be a conflict and/or triangle "scout," and rewarding them
for spotting these problems. Make sure they don't feel
responsible for causing or resolving them!
_ 9)
Have
all your family adult read and
discuss these ideas about improving communication effective-ness with
adults and kids.
Then teach all your family members:
-
the
we all try to
fill by communicating (even infants!), and
-
what happens when two
or more persons' communication needs
-
Develop a
("I think my
needs don't match yours right now - let's check, OK?") and...
-
Evolve a strategy that
any of your kids and adult can use if this need-conflict happens during a
conversation or family meeting.
Option: ask a child to be a "need-conflict"
scout in and between your homes. If you do this, let all family adults know
what you're doing and why...
_ 10) Explain these common
communication blocks,
tips, and
phrases to your family members, and consider having copies of them
available for reference in any family meeting.
Help everyone understand and use
the difference between what you all talk about (your "content") and
you communicate
to-gether (your "process")! The special skill and vocabulary
you all need to discuss your process and solve communication problems
is called
- talking about
communicating.
_ 11) Watch for chances to affirm
small individual and group successes, as you all experiment with how to
meet, talk, and problem-solve effectively together. That can sound like
"Mike, you did a real nice hearing check just now - way to go!"; or "I'm
appreciating that in the last 25 minutes no one interrupted anyone else.
Good for us!"; or "Alex, I know you had to work hard to get
here on time - and you did. Thanks!"
_ 12) When you're meeting to solve
(someone's) problem, help everyone focus on identifying and ranking
"Problems"
ultimately turn out to be unfilled needs - emotional, spiritual,
and/or physical discomforts.
_ 13 Help everyone learn and use the
difference between requests ("No," "Not now," and "I can't say" are
acceptable responses); and demands (These are not acceptable
responses).
_ 14) Since you all are evolving new
relationships and roles together, see how everyone feels about these
and
encourage each other to use them in confusing situations. Option: open any mee-ting
by reading these brief inspirations or something else to center everyone.
_ 15) Note your option of combining
"business" (information exchange, problem solving, family-building) with
some fun - like a game you all enjoy. The
Ungame
and
LifeStories
are two interesting, non-competitive board games for all ages that combine
fun and family-building.
_ 16) In long, complex, or important
family meetings, it can help if at the end, the
leader/s summarize:
-
who
called the meeting, and...
-
why (e.g. "Marcia wanted us all to discuss whether
we should get a dog");
-
what key needs surfaced ("We discovered a
lot of mixed opinions on this"), and
-
who agreed to do what, by when (" We
agreed we're still too disorganized from moving in together, and that
Marcia's responsible for calling us together again to decide about a dog in
early August."
_ 17)
Consider rotating the
meeting leadership role, so older kids get a chance to develop and practice
their "chairperson skills." Co-parents can act as coaches and consultants,
and retain ultimate responsibility for meeting process and outcomes.
_ 18) When important decisions were
reached, co-parents or delegates
take responsibility for
following up to see if what was agreed on
actually happened as agreed. Otherwise family cynics (vs. problem-solvers)
will be justified in saying "Family meetings are a waste of time - they
don't work."
_ (add your own effective-meeting
suggestions)
Pause, breathe, and recall why you used this worksheet. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
Continue
with this menu of possible family-meeting topics,
and/or use these
to form your own
agendas.
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