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This is one of a series of articles on evolving and
enjoying
families (Lesson 5). The series exists because the wide
range of current U.S. social problems suggests that
most families don't
fill the primary needs of (nurture) their members very well.
That suggests the epidemic
of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
proposed in this nonprofit, ad-free site .
This article explores...
-
what is a mission
or vision statement, and why make one?
-
a
status check to help you identify your attitude about
doing this,
-
typical
steps toward making a family mission statement
for (a) any family and (b) typical divorcing families and stepfamilies,
-
a
sample
family mission statement.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
What is a Mission Statement?
It is a brief, thoughtful declaration of what a person, program, or
organization exists for. Some people prefer vision statement which
focuses on a long-term dream. Examples...
-
personal mission statements ("This is what I'm trying to
achieve with my life, and what I stand for")
-
marital vows -
declarations of partnership values and long-term goals; and...
-
family statements - what
the leaders of a family are dedicated to accomplishing over time
-
corporate charters -
what the leaders of an organization stand for, and why their
organization exists.
Do you have one or
more of
these now? Do you use them to guide you in complex situations?
Why Make a
Family
Mission Statement?
Family adults (like you) who want to feel in old age that they've
succeeded
as persons, mates, and nurturers must want to agree early
in their family's development cycle on what they're trying to
achieve long term. The
popular alternative is living reactively a
week or two at a time with no long-term
goals or plans on how to attain them.
|
The probable result is
realizing in late middle age that your life and/or family has not gone in the direction or produced the results that
your younger self longed for. Our cultural norm is to steadily focus on short-term
gratification, experience major regrets and problems in old age,
and passively encourage this unspoken attitude in the next generation.
Do you agree?
|
Not living from thoughtful personal and
family mission statements is like gathering your kids and rela-tives
on a houseboat and departing on a world cruise without a destination in
mind, a map, a com-pass, and appropriate supplies.
What is an
Effective
Family
Mission Statement?
It is one that...
-
inspires and guides people well through confusing
situations (keeps you focused and motivated), and...
-
helps people achieve key
long-term goals they set out at the beginning.
An effective statement is one
your family members spontaneously quote and refer to, rather than a docu-ment
gathering dust in a drawer or file-folder.
Reflect - how would your parents and grandparents have reacted to what you
just read? Did they have a clear idea of
what they wanted their family to achieve across the years?
Status Check
Picture all the people you call "my
family" in a group now, looking at you. Imagine one of them asking
"Do you want us to make and use personal and family mission
statements?" Before answer-ing, consider
this
and imagine your family making and using one like it to help you all make
important decisions together. Then...
Reflect, and answer the question out loud. If
it is "No," "Not now," or "I don't care," then quit reading this article and
continue living as you always have. Options:
• wonder what you'll
feel in old age about your answer,
•
rank the nurturance level of your
family (low > moderate high), and...
• decide
this question -
your
or some other well-intentioned
If your answer is something like "I
don't know," or "I'm not sure (ambivalent)," then...
• invest
time and energy reading and discussing the rest of this article and then...
•
reconsider the question above to see if anything has changed.
Feedback please - how do
you feel about family mission statements now? (a 1-question anonymous
How to Make an Effective Family Mission Statement
These suggestions are for (a) all families and for (b) typical courting or committed
stepfamilies.
Options for All
Couples and Families
Premise - The best time to draft partnership and family mission statements
is during courtship. The next best time is as soon as practical after that.
1) Family leaders help other
members to get clear on your family's
developmental stages over one
generation, and to maintain a long-range outlook. "Long range" means the
several decades it will take to complete your generational cycle. The
common societal alternative is adults focusing on resolving short-range problems
and letting "the future take care of itself";
2) Family adults discuss and agree on why families exist,
and what it takes to be a
(healthy, functional) family over time;
3) Family adults learn about and discuss the [wounds + unawareness]
and these related
Discuss honestly if and how
the cycle and hazards has affected your family.
4) Evaluate (a) whether
some or all your present family adults are
(GWCs), and (b) if so, what that has
to you all.
5) Each wounded adult commit to progressing at
self-improvement
over time - i.e. to...
-
having their true Selves
their other
subselves in all situations, and
any significant false self
and as you do...
-
clarify and affirm your
on
earth, and patiently enjoy overcoming obstacles as you pursue it
within your limits. As you each do this...
6) Family members agree together...
-
who
(belongs to)
your family now;
-
what normal
kids and
need in order to develop their full potential, long term;
-
how to
measure your family's
nurturance level;
-
who among you - specifically - is responsible
for...
-
setting long-term family goals,
policies, and
plans;
-
negotiating and managing family
(responsibilities),
-
implementing the policies and monitoring
progress over time;
-
managing major
family changes, and...
-
resolving family
problems as they arise.
7) Clarify
and discuss your family's impact on the local and global environment, and
your respon-sibility as members of our "global village." Then discuss
whether it's appropriate to include that responsi-bility in your family
mission statement.
8) Agree on...
-
what an effective
vision or
mission statement is,
-
what you adults want to feel about your family
accomplishments when you're present adults are old, and...
-
evolve a
mission statement that fits you as a unique multi-generational family. Then...
9) Use
your statement as teammates
to guide you all in...
-
negotiating effective "job (role) descriptions" for
each of your family members, and...
-
navigating stressful situations and
important family changes and other major decisions. Finally...
10) Periodically discuss - e.g. at Thanksgiving gatherings or
reunions -
whether your mission statement is providing helpful guidance and
inspiration
well enough, Amend it as needed as your family matures and the
environment changes across your years.
Do these steps seem useful and practical? can you imagine your family adults
learning, tailoring, and acting on them together? When any family kids are
middle-aged, what would your elders like to hear from them about your stance on these
steps when the kids were young?
Try interviewing your Future Self for
some wise advice about making a family mission statement.
If you're not in a courting or committed
and you don't expect to be, go here.
Extra Options for Typical Stepfamilies
Typical divorcing families and stepfamilies are
intact biofamilies in some ways, and
different in many other
ways at the same time. These differences merit extra steps in devising and
using an effective family mission statement.
In addition to the steps above,
do an appropriate version of these:
11) During or
soon after courtship...
12) Learn the goals and steps to do
self-improvement
together, and
apply them to your unique multi-generational stepfamily.
13) With your version of these factors in mind, discuss
these extra developmental phases that
your stepfamily must master across your years, compared to average intact
biofamilies.
14) Now
all you adults agree on...
-
what an effective
vision or
mission statement is,
-
what you all want to feel about your stepfamily's
accomplishments when you're all old, and...
-
evolve a
mission statement
that fits you as a unique multi-generational family.
+ + +
Do these steps seem useful and practical? can you imagine
your family adults learning, tailoring, and acting on them together? When
any family kids are middle-aged, what would you elders like to hear
from them about your stance on these steps when the kids were young?
To make these abstract ideas more concrete, meditate on this...
Example
All
Families
Divorcing
Families