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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 3 in the Break the
Cycle! self-study
This Les-son educates readers on healthy
grieving basics so they can finish mourning major
losses (broken bonds). Typical survivors of childhood trauma (Grown Wounded Children -
never learned these basics, and risk significant problems from incomplete mourning.
Have you or someone you care for
been depressed recently? Depression is so common in Ameri-can
kids and adults that treating it has become a major
industry. It often occurs in GWCs.
| This article
explores the important difference between "depression" and incomplete grief. Can
you describe the difference?
Unfinished mourning merits a different response than true depression. |
The article...
Describes
common symptoms of depression and normal grief,
Suggests
four common causes of these symptoms
Proposes options if you're "depressed,"
and...
Suggests options if
you're concerned about a "depressed" person.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
My clinical experience with hundreds of
therapy clients who felt "depressed" is that they're really
grieving...
-
past losses
(broken bonds), including some in
childhood, and/or...
-
an expected
future loss like youthful vigor, kids moving away, retirement, or death
(anticipatory grief).
If you or
someone you care about
weren't encouraged to mourn fully as a child,
depressive symp-toms may signal being stuck in the sadness phase of emotional
grief. "Rageaholics" are often stuck in the anger phase.
What Is
"Depression"?
It's a catch-all term for a mind-body condition
ranging in intensity and impact from brief and minor ("a blue mood") to long-term
and major. The condition (vs. "illness") can
promote physical, psychological, and relationship problems.
Symptoms of depression typically include
some or all of these...
Low physical energy; "fatigue."
Apathy: marked disinterest in
pleasurable life activities, and/or an inability to feel normal
pleasures (anhedoia).
Notably sad, glum mood.
Unusual feelings of guilt, despair
(hopelessness and pessimism),
and/or worthlessness.
Difficulty concentrating: mind-racing,
and
marked indecisiveness.
Trouble sleeping or sleeping
excessively.
Possible loss of appetite and related weight loss.
Recurring thoughts of death or
suicide,
Crying urges or episodes with or without a
"cause," and...
Excessive or unusual irritability.
If five or more of these symptoms are clearly
present every day for at least two weeks (in someone's opinion), the condition is psychiatrically
labeled
clinical depression.
Some people label serious depres-sion a "mental illness." I propose that
it's a normal human condition, not an "illness"!
Each of these symptoms can also
occur during normal three-level
Depression can be a single episode or a recurring condition. Chronically depressed people experi-ence these
symptom-clusters as normal life, so they may have little motivation to change
toward some-thing they've never felt.
Depression is a problem for the sufferer, and
can cause significant anxiety (worry), guilt, and frustration in people who depend on or
care about the sufferer. Three possible problems are...
-
you’re significantly depressed,
-
another person you care about is, or...
-
you both are.
All of these can
stress your
wholistic health and other relationships, specially if you have other concur-rent
problems.
Let's look at the first two situations in some detail...
Options If You Feel "Depressed"
“Depression” and the sadness phase of
feel and look the same, emotionally and be-haviorally. I suspect that many
“depressed” adults and kids are really
mourning major
If so,
the cure is not pills, but acquiring
these
so your grief can run its natural course.
Premise - feeling "depressed" can be a symptom of up to five
underlying factors:
-
unawareness of significant false-self
and their
(Lesson 1);
and...
-
ignorance of healthy-grieving basics (Lesson 3);
and...
-
unrecognized
and...
-
living in a
environment; and possibly....
-
hormone and
brain-chemical imbalances. The first four may promote this.
To reduce your symptoms, try these options:
1)
Give high priority to
self-study
Test your knowledge of "good grief" basics with this
quiz. Ignoring this option
suggests toxic false-self dominance, which is the primary problem.
2) If you feel suicidal, get professional help. Note that many
professional therapists, clergy, and counselors aren't trained to check for
incomplete grief. Option -
ask whomever you hire to scan Lesson 3 and "pass"
the "good grief" quiz. If they're not willing to,
look elsewhere.
If you have chronic pain and/or an incurable
progressive lethal disease and have nothing to live for, explore support
organizations like Compassion
and Choices and
Final Exit Network.
3) Meditate on any past or recent changes in you or your lifestyle
- e.g. a disability or illness, job change, a geographic move, a shift in an
important role or relationship, a financial shift, births, deaths, divorces,
retirements, etc. Ask yourself "What
have I
- specifically - because of this change? Use these
abstract and physical
loss inventories to help answer the question. Note that anticipatory
grief can start before an expected loss actually occurs.
Once you identify your losses (broken bonds), prioritize them. Starting with
the most impactful, use this level-and-phase concept to gauge where you are
in grieving each loss. If you suspect some important grieving is
consider these options.
Option 4) Try using
(Lesson 1) to identify which of your subselves have taken over your true
Self and are causing your apathy, hopelessness, and discouragement.
Often this will disclose one or several
who feel locally or chronically abandoned, isolated, sad, overwhelmed, and
powerless.
If
you find such subselves, identify any related Guardian subselves (e.g.
and
Work with them all toward trusting your
subselves, and helping the young ones grieve and feel more secure. Then see
what happens to your "depression" symptoms.
5)
Be aware of the
terms your family
adults use in thinking and speaking. Depressed and
depres-sion can be evoke anxiety in subselves who associate them with sick or ill, crazy,
nuts, weak, inferior, anxiety, bad, doctors, hospitals,
therapy, trouble, or other vague or specific discomforts.
"I'm working to accept some major
losses now" can feel better to someone's subselves than "I am (or you
are) really de-pressed."
6) If subselves feel
that your "depression" symptoms are burdening other
people "too much," confirm
your right to feel how you feel.
Read and apply
this article on managing excessive
guilts, and use these wise
"Feeling better" is your
responsibility. Other people are responsible for managing their own comfort!
7)
Become aware of whose advice you follow
about assessing and treating "depression." e.g.
family elders, mentors, hero/ines, health professionals, and media authorities.
It's likely they don't know what you're reading here. Finally...
Option 8)
Think twice
if you're considering anti-depressant medication. "Mood control"
chemicals may relieve your symptoms, but not what's causing them.
If these options don't relieve your symptoms, consider hiring a qualified
therapist or licensed
grief counselor for a
professional evaluation. "Qualified" means...
-
usually
by their true Self; plus...
-
having a
wholistic (mind + body + spirit + emotions) view of health; plus…
-
openness to the ideas in this Web site, specially about personality subselves
and incomplete grief; plus…
-
believing that grieving is appropriate for all
significant life losses, not just someone's death; plius...
-
training in, and experience at, promoting healthy
three-level grieving; including this
research;
plus...
-
up-to-date medical training on the bodily aspects of "depression," and
"anti-depressant" medications.
Status Check
Learn about yourself by meditating on
these statements. T = true, F = false, and ? =
"I'm not sure," or "It
depends on (what?)":
I accept that grieving is needed for
all kinds of life losses (broken bonds), not just death.
(T F ?)
I
believe grief is a healthy human
response which can be slowed or blocked.
(T F ?)
My
childhood adults consistently encouraged and modeled (a) feeling
and (b) expressing healthy grieving values, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
(T F ?)
I’m comfortable now (a) feeling and (b)
expressing _sadness and _ anger privately and pub-licly; and (c) I’m
comfortable enough being around others who feel and express shock, sad-ness, and anger. (T F ?)
I
can clearly describe (a) my personal and
(b) my family’s
-
i.e. our sets of shoulds,
oughts, musts, and values
about feeling and expressing grief. (T F ?)
I
now live in a pro-grief home and family - i.e. one which consistently
encourages everyone to mourn well. Note the difference between intentionally encouraging grief
among your fam-ily members, and passively tolerating their mourning. (T F ?)
I
am now able to (a)
identify and (b) grieve my
thoroughly;
or if not, (c) I'm taking ef-fective steps to
improve this. (T
F ?)
I
can
(a) clearly tell the
difference between “depression” and incomplete grief now, and (b) I can name at
least six
of
incomplete
grief. (T F ?)
Other
adults in our family would answer "True" to the statement above. (T F ?)
I accept that using anti-depression
(mood control) medication may hinder healthy mour-ning. (T F
?)
Now I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, alive, serene,
purposeful, confident, and clear, so
my
is probably
leading my
(personality). (T F ?)
What
did you just learn?
So far,
we’ve explored options if you are significantly depressed. Let’s now
explore your…
