Symptoms
of Incomplete Grief
If adults or kids lack good-grief
they may
get stuck in mental, emotional, and/or spiritual
of mourning. Such people often
display observable behavioral symptoms. The more symptoms an
adult or child has, the more likely s/he isn't done mourning important
losses from childhood or later.
Use this symptom-summary as a checklist
and
discussion-starter...
-
Seeming "forever" sad, angry, or depressed, or often feeling
numb or "nothing"
-
Symptoms of repressed
anger
-
Minimizings and/or
denials
-
Chronic
weariness,
depression, or apathy.
-
One or more addictions
(toxic compulsions)
-
Repeated avoidances
-
(Some) chronic pain or
illnesses
-
Obesity and/or some
eating disorders
-
Repeated
anniversary "depressions."
-
Enshrining
or purging mementos of lost things, and...
-
Exaggerated emotional
reactions to the losses or traumas of other people.
|
Incomplete grievers may have one, several, or all of these
symptoms. They may be transitory or chronic.
Each and all of these
behaviors are symptoms of the root problems:
psychological
wounds +
ignorance of grieving basics (Lesson 3)
+ personal
+ lack of
inner and/or outer
to mourn. |
Here's brief detail on each of the symptoms above:
1) Seeming
"forever" sad, angry, or depressed, or often feeling
numb or "nothing"
- in
general, or about a loss (broken bond). People who always seem very intellectual,
analytic, and/or
unemotional ("flat") may be
wounded
grievers - or they may be unable to bond.
2) Repressed
Signs include repeated:
|
procrastination
cynicism / pessimism
insomnia or excessive sleep
inappropriate drowsiness
fist clenching
"road
rage" |
lateness
sighing
waking up tired
tiring easily
back pain
irritability |
"rage
attacks"
sadistic or sarcastic humor
inappropriate cheerfulness
overcontrolled monotone voice
clenched jaws ("TMJ") and/or teeth grinding
muscle spasms, tics, or twitches |
Some of these may have
medical causes. Our mind-body connection is a relevant mystery (i.e. which causes
what) here.
3) Minimizings and/or
denials. Consistently downplaying...
-
a loss itself ("Oh
______
wasn't that important to me") and/or...
-
feelings about the loss and
it's impacts ("No,
I'm not sad - just tired is all.")
The ultimate denial is of one's own denial.
is a common symptom of
dominance.
4) Chronic
weariness,
depression, or apathy. It takes a lot of personal energy to repress
frightening emotions and awarenesses. Recovery pioneer John Bradshaw likens this to trying
to swim while holding a big beach ball under water. Therapist Virginia Satir suggested
it's like constantly holding a swinging kitchen door closed against a pack of starving dogs ...
5)
to one or more of these:
-
activities
- e.g. work; hobbies or sports; worship;
committees; socializing, TV, or personal com-puters; fitness and health; sex; cleaning and
organizing; shopping or gambling; hoarding; reading or "endless" education;
-
substances -
e.g. nicotine, caffeine, fats and/or sugars,
ethyl alcohol and/or other hard drugs, or medications;
-
"causes"
- e.g. save the world's environment, hungry, homeless,
repressed;...
-
excitement (mood
states) - e.g. rage, conflicts, risks, religious ecstasy, or
sexual arousal; and/or addiction to...
-
"toxic" relationships
- those that consistently promote significant
shame, guilts, fears, anger, hurt, frustration, anxiety, and/or unhealthy
(co)dependence.
True
addicts use one or more of these to temporarily numb or distract
from (medicate) their relent-less
They (their well-meaning
will
deny, minimize, or rationalize their
toxic compul-sions until hitting true
and committing to personal addiction recovery.
Addiction "sobriety" is a requisite for wound-reduction. Some addicts
are never able attain sobriety because of their unawareness,
psychological wounds, and a low-nurturance environment.
All addictions are a
clear symptom of major
not just a personal problem. Their members often have trouble
grieving well.
More common symptoms of incomplete or blocked mourning...
6) Repeated avoidances.
These can be verbal, mental, and/or physical. If the loss (or something asso-ciated or
similar) comes under discussion, a blocked mourner will often become silent or irritable,
tune out, try to change the subject, "get real tired," and/or leave.
They may also reflexively shun certain ...
-
topics that
remind them of what they've lost; and/or...
-
places (like former dwellings, neighborhoods,
cemeteries, churches, ...); and/or...
-
people (who remind the loser of what's gone,
and/or
how it got gone); and/or...
-
activities or rituals (holidays, vacations,
births, deaths, graduations,...); and/or...
-
mementos (photo albums, movies, music,
old letters, holiday ornaments, special clothing,...) that remind them of their
loss/es.
Blocked mourners
will often protectively deny, rationalize (intellectually explain
without feelings) or minimize such avoidances. Typical
single-parent
families and stepfamilies abound with such painful re-minders. Are there any such mementos in your life now?
Your kids' lives?
7) (Some) chronic pain or
illness - specially ones without clear biological cause. A growing number of
professional healers feel that recurrent asthma, migraine or other headaches, digestive or
colon problems, back pain, shoulder and neck stiffness or soreness, breathing or
swallowing troubles, panic attacks, nite-mares, allergies, etc. are bodily signals
that vital emotions are being repressed. Unconsciously-fearful mourners will often
scoff at this or get angry (i.e. scared) if it's proposed.
8)
Obesity
and (some)
eating disorders.
Obesity is defined by the U.S. Center for Disease Control (CDC) as
weighing 30% more than appropriate weight for a person's body type per
credible charts like
this.
Mor-bid obesity is weighing 50% or 100 lbs more than appropriate
body weight.
Morbid implies this condition can be lethal. It's been said of
overweight people that "every fat cell is an unshed
tear." Adults or kids can numb the pain of unresolved loss (and other
things) by compulsive
overeating. Others are metabolically unbalanced. Griefwork can be far more helpful for
the former than endless dieting/regaining
cycles, which can build shame, guilt, and eventual depression and hopeless-ness.
Other eating
problems like anorexia (compulsive self-starvation) or bulimia (compulsive binge-purge cycles) may
signal blocked mourning and deep shame.
Obesity may be a symptom
of childhood sexual abuse. This
shattering personal violation forces the massive
losses
of innocence, trust, security, and Self respect in a child too young and
needy to
understand and protect themselves.
More common symptoms of unfinished grief...
9) Repeated
anniversary "depressions." Major apathy, sadness, sluggishness, sickness, sleep disor-ders,
irritability, or feeling gloomy "for no reason" may recur annually around the
time a major loss hap-pened. This can appear to be (or be increased by) "seasonal
affective disorder (SAD)," where people ra-tionalize recurring depression by missing sunlight "too much."
10) Enshrining
or purging mementos. People who obsessively display, revere, discuss, or protect, spe-cial reminders long after an agonizing ending can be blocked mourners. Such mementos
can include foods, music, clothes, pictures, rituals, furniture, letters, jewelry,
perfume, gardens, and many more. Revering or
reacting to such reminders to perpetual excess is the key symptom
here.
The
opposite may also signal blocked grief. People who compulsively throw away
every reminder
of the lost person or thing can be avoiding the intolerably pain of
admitting and accepting the precious bro-ken
bond. They may or may not be aware they're doing this.
11) Often
having exaggerated emotional
reactions to the losses or traumas of strangers,
acquaintances, animals, or fictional characters. Such reactions include uncontrollable sobbing, lasting
depression, inten-se rages, insomnia, obsessions, bodily reactions, and over-identifications
("becoming" the hurt one).
Add your own symptoms of
unfinished grief...
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/grief/symptoms.htm
Keep
studying and applying Lessons