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This is one of a series of articles supporting
Lesson 3 in the Break the Cycle! self-study course. This
lesson aims to educate readers to healthy grieving basics so
they can spot and complete unfinish-ed mourning of major
losses.
Typical survivors of childhood trauma (Grown Wounded
Children - GWCs) never learned these ba-sics, and risk
psychological, physical, and relationship problems from
incomplete mourning.
This Lesson requires
major progress on
- reducing psychological wounds.
Lesson 3 exists because my clinical research and experience since 1979
with almost 1,000 typical adults and some of their kids suggests that
a high
percentage of troubled people and families suffer from incomplete grief -
and they don't (want to) know it or what it means.
Could
this apply to you and your fa-mily?
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Background
All families (like yours) need
healthy-grieving knowledge and
policies
(adult beliefs, values, and rules). Members of typical
and
are at special risk of incomplete grief because of their psychological
and major complex
(broken bonds).
A value is a personal or group opinion about something's nature or
worth. A vital part of any person-al and family grieving policy is the key values
that adults hold about bonds, losses, and healthy mour-ning. Most of us adopt
and live from the grief
(and other) values we saw our childhood caregivers and hero/ines model without much
thought.
Our American culture has generally discounted the importance of - and
for - healthy grief, so most people are only vaguely aware of their grieving
values. Their semi-conscious
values powerfully af-fect whether family adults and kids have the inner and
outer
to grieve well that they urgently need.
|
This worksheet offers an effective way to identify and assess your
grieving values and where you got them, so you can make conscious choices
about the values and discuss them with key peo-ple. Have you ever tried
to define your "good grief" values before? Do you know if they're healthy
or not? What are the young people in your life learning about losses and "good grief"? |
Learn
Your Values About Grieving, and Where You Got Them
Use this worksheet
to identify...
-
Your key beliefs about feeling and expressing
the emotions that follow major losses (broken emotional/spiritual
bonds), and...
-
Whether
these beliefs are yours (authentic) or someone else's (adopted).
It's important that
your values and beliefs about mourning be yours, rather than - say - your
mate's, your parents' or ancestors’, or your religion's.
Change these questions and/or
add some to fit your situation. Invite important others to answer them too, and
share the results non-competitively. Pick a quiet place, and give yourself undistracted
time to reflect on each item.
Note your thoughts and feelings as you proceed, and whether
your
is
your
If
not, try to
or risk distorted responses to this worksheet.
There are
right or wrong answers here - just helpful self-awareness and insights...
+ + +
Key: Circle the symbol that fits your main current belief best:
T = "True - I agree," F = "False - I disagree,"
?
= "I'm not sure," and D = "it depends" (on what or who?).
As I start, I'm
that I
___________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
1) I define "grieving" as:
_____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
2) I believe healthy grieving is a learned skill . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . ( T F ? D )
3) I usually mourn my losses thoroughly and healthily now . . . . . . . . . .
. . ( T F ? D )
4) The main time people need to grieve is when a loved one has died . . . .
. ( T F ? D )
5) Three people who's actions most influenced my childhood beliefs about feeling
and expressing strong emotions are: ____________________, _____________________, and ____________________.
6) I can cry when appropriate, without major guilt, anxiety, or shame .
. . . . ( T F ? D )
7) I learned early that females should handle grief by
_____________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
8) If I get
angery, key people around me
________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
9) The important people in my life are each
supportive and encouraging if I need to cry in front of
them ( T F ? D )
10) When the woman who parented me felt deep
sadness,
she ____________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
11) In the home/s I grew up in, it was always OK for everybody
to feel
and express irritation,
anger, and rage ( T F ? D )
12) This has affected my ability to feel and show
now by: ___________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
13) Some things or feelings I associate with
anger are
__________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
14) When I got very sad as a child, I
__________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
When I get
sad now, I
______________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
15) Grieving ends when
___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
16) I now have at least one person in my life with whom I can always safely
share my deepest feelings:
( T F
? D ). If "true" - who? _______________________________
17) When the man who parented me felt deep
sadness, he
_______________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
18) I'm usually comfortable enough to honestly show my
sorrow and
intense anger to the key young people in my life these days ( T F ? D )
19) My normal reaction to a major personal
(broken bond) is ___________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
20) My [mate / mother / father / child(ren) / ex] and I usually share all our
important thoughts and feelings promptly about our key
tangible and
losses.
( T F ? D)
21) It's totally safe for me to really let my
anger out now with my household and family members: I steadily feel sure no one will get
(too) hurt, or blame or reject me. (T F ? D )
22) When the woman who raised me felt intense
anger,
she _____________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
23) As far as my (partner's / ex's) ability to mourn well,
__________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
24) When I got very angery as a child,
________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
Now, I
__________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
25) I get really sad when
___________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
26) If someone always represses intense feelings,
______________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
27) The most impactful tangible or
abstract losses in my life have
been: ____________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
28) My closest friends and family know fully about
each of these
losses now, and what they have meant to me. ( T F ? D )
29) The loss that's most painful for me to recall is
________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
30) What I learned about grieving from watching my key relatives is
_________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
31) I usually guard against great
emotional
by
______________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
32) When someone near me gets really
angery I
_________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
33) I'm usually empathic, encouraging, patient, and
supportive with all important
people in my life who
need to grieve major losses. ( T F ? D )
34) When the man who raised me felt
anger or rage,
he _________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
What I do is
______________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
35) I can clearly name the major abstract and tangible
losses each of the children
in my life have
experienced. ( T F ? D )
36) Images or feelings I associate with
sadness are
______________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
37) The main message I got about mourning from the
culture I grew up in was: ________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
38) The "policy" about grieving in my
current family is
_____________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
39) When loved ones feel deep
pain, I
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
40) I learned early that males should cope with major losses by
____________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
41) People in my life who have had the hardest time mourning are
___________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
42) If I'm blocked on grieving a major loss now, it is
_______________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
43) If I let myself feel my full
sadness, I
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
44) When it comes to saying final goodbyes, I
____________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
45) The way to tell if a person is
or
if they’re grieving is ___________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
46) When I try to understand and accept major losses, my faith
in a loving
________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
47) I mourn my losses completely and healthily over time. ( T
F ? D )
48) I was undistracted, honest, and thorough in doing this worksheet.
( T F ? D )
49) I'd be "better" at mourning if
_______________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
50) A new awareness I have is
________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
51) I want to share what I've discovered here with
_________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
in order to
_________________________________________________________________________
52) Something else I want to do now is
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
Right now, I'm aware
of
_______________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
Thoughts / needs / goals...
Options
-
see how you do on this quiz
about healthy-mourning basics,
-
review these Q & A items
about "good grief,"
-
study and discuss
Lesson 3 here
-
read this
research summary about "complicated"
grief. Could it pertain to someone you know?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
September 01, 2010
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/grief/values.htm