Lesson 1 of 8  - free your true Self and reduce false-self wounds

The 12 Steps for Survivors
of Childhood Neglect

An update to the classic steps

Adapted by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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    The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/12steps.htm

    Also see http://sfhelp.org/fam/addiction.htm

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        This is one of a  series of articles on Lesson 1 of 8 in this Web site - (a) free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and (b) reduce significant false-self wounds.

        This article is written to people interested in the traditional 12 Steps of main-line "Anonymous" re-covery programs. From 28 years' clinical study and personal experience, the article respectfully propo-ses amendments to these proven Steps to acknowledge the reality of the normal personality subselves that cause most (all?) toxic compulsions.

        People with one or more active addictions need to maintain sobriety (preliminary recovery) for at least a year before attempting to reduce false-self wounds (primary recovery). his. Both require hitting true (vs. pseudo, or trial) bottom.

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

Background

        I am the Adult Child of two alcoholic (wounded) parents - an "ACoA." Since my discovery of this harsh reality in 1986 at age 38, I've studied...

  • family health and "functionality"

  • the four types of addiction and their toxic effects on families; and...

  • current knowledge about how to recover from addictions and the low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") environments that cause most of them. 

        I've been in personal ACoA recovery since 1986, and have experienced major life improvements from it. As a person and professional therapist, I've witnessed similar healing in many others on their unique paths to personal wholistic health, serenity, and self-actualization.

        As I became aware of the ideas comprising self-study Lesson 1 here, I began to see ACoA-like symptoms in most of my hundreds of divorcing and stepfamily students and therapy clients. Many had not been raised by chemically-addicted parents. Professional reflection, inquiry, study, my own therapy, and direct observation since 1979 have convinced me that...

        1) The psychological wounds and behavioral symptoms commonly attributed to average Adult Children of Alcoholics are identical to those displayed by any adult who survived wounded caregivers and a low-nurturance childhood. Chemical (or other) dependence need not be involved. These wounds and symptoms appear to be the same as those of people with the toxic condition (vs. "sick-ness") of codependence- a form of relationship addiction.

        Consequently, I generalize the terms ACoA, addict, co-addict, and codependent in this site and related guidebooks as Grown Wounded Child (GWC). I thank journalist/author Gloria Lintermans for the term, which replaced the unpleasant but accurate label "Grown Deprived Child."

        Lay and professional authors are still searching for an acceptable label for adult survivors of child-hood neglect.The closest convention so far seems to be Adult Child of family dysfunction or of toxic or dysfunctional parents.

        I also now believe that ...

        2) Average kids survive low-nurturance childhoods by automatically forming a protective, clever, short-sighted false-self which dominates their perceptions, emotions, behaviors, and relationships. The extreme form of this is now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) by psychiatrists and other mental health professionals. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) now estimates about 5% of Americans endure this serious, treatable disability.

        I conclude this after studying and professionally practicing inner-family therapy for 15 years. I en-dorse and use key concepts evolved by psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz and colleagues, and the Center for Self Leadership (CSL). The wisdom of many other veteran clinicians has shaped my perception of how false selves form and operate, and how inner harmony can be improved.

        If you're skeptical about normal personality subselves, read this, and return here. Then try this inter-esting exercise after finishing this article.

        I emphasize that the high majority of us who are often controlled by a false self are not crazy - because...

  • we can function reasonably well in society and at home and work, and...

  • usually pose no acute danger to ourselves or others.

        Except for the small percentage of us who endured such massive early trauma that we developed extreme personality "splitting" (formerly called "Multiple Personality Disorder, or MPD)," most of us Grown Wounded Children appear "normal enough" on the surface. However, our false selves are expert, well-meaning deceivers, because our childhood experiences taught them that the world was unsafe.

        Closer study of typical GWCs in denial shows inexorable patterns of personal and relationship stressors, like isolation, approach-avoid cycles, divorces, chronic depression, eating and "mood  disor-ders," and various recurring psychological and physical health problems.

        Once denials are really broken via "hitting true (vs. pseudo) bottom," personal wound-recovery and informed help gradually change that!
 

        3) After 30 years' study, I've also concluded that the 12-step life philosophy first promoted in 1935 by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) co-founders "Dr. Bob" and "Bill W." can help stabilize and reduce the toxic behavioral traits of all childhood-neglect survivors (GWCs), not just addicts.

        Family-systems therapy has gradually replaced traditional Freudian psychoanalysis since the 1950s. The concepts of ACoA, co-alcoholic, codependence, and family dysfunction began affecting our culture around 1980, so we're just starting to understand how the traditional 12 AA steps relate to them.

        The recent service organizations for Adult Children of Alcoholics, Codependents Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Families Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, and more are adapting the original 12-steps to fit their members' needs.

        New body-scanning technology like Positron Emission Tomography (PET) and the emerging personality-subself concept obsoletes the toxic legacy of shame that our ignorant, wounded ("God-fearing") ancestors attached to addiction.

        Using "Anonymous" in naming any 12-step recovery group implies that wounded people are morally bad and must hide their "condition" from social awareness, or endure condemnation and pity (inferiority). This is like preaching that mental retardation or naiveté is a shameful personal choice.

        My professional research and experience suggests that one universal problem causes the symp-toms of...

  • all 12-step compulsions and obsessions, and...

  • most mood, character, and personality "disorders," and...

  • societal ignorance of the ongoing cycle of unintended parental neglect and resulting psychological wounds.

If this is true, we can help future generations by merging all 12-step programs into a common movement called "Recoverers United" or similar. Notice your reaction...


  A Proposed Update of the 12 Steps

        With veneration for the courageous men and women who created, validated, and implemented the original 12 steps, I propose an upgrade to reflect new knowledge. Based on the three beliefs above, this upgrade integrates the idea that addicts, co-addicts, and all of us struggling to lift ourselves out of shame, confusion, emptiness, and fear are really trying to restore our true Selves to lead our other personality subselves, with the essential support of our Higher Power.

        Intentionally developing personal-subself harmony can reduce or eliminate dependence on 12-step-meetings ("Keep on keeping on - Keep coming back") to avoid relapsing. Relapses are real and tragic. I believe they occur because people haven't (a) hit true bottom, (b) accepted their false-self wounds, and (c) begun to reduce them yet. Lesson 1 in this non-profit site and the related guidebook offer an effective way to do this over time.

        The ACoA World Service organization amendment of the original 12 AA steps is reprinted below on the left, and my proposed update on the right. Proposed changes are in italics. I offer this to fellow reco-verers and their families and supporters as "wet clay," for much is new, uncertain, and un-researched. 

        Our human yearning for health, serenity, compassion, unity, love, and Life-purpose are timeless and universal. So are our evolving spiritual needs. Do you agree?

ACoA-adapted 12 Steps

Proposed "Universal" Update
1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable. 1) I accept that I have been powerless over the effects of false-self dominance, and that my life has been unmanageable because of unawareness and denial of my related psychological wounds.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 2) I have come to  believe that a power greater than me can help me restore my true Self to guide and harmonize my personality
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. 3) I decided to turn my will and life over to the care of God as I perceive God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 4) I made a searching and fearless psychological and historical inventory of myself.
5. Admitted to God, to our selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 5) I admitted to God, myself, and another person the exact nature of my false-self's harmful beha-viors.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 6) I was entirely ready to have God help me per-  manently reduce my false-self wounds.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our short- comings. 7) I humbly asked God to empower me to shift my personality leadership to God and my true Self.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 8) I identified all persons my false self has signifi-cantly harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 9) I made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when doing so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 10) I continued to take personal inventory and, when I was wrong, promptly admitted it without undue guilt, sham, or anxiety.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out. 11) I sought through prayer and meditation to im-prove my relationship with my Higher Power, seeking to improve my awareness of God's will for me, and the courage to carry it out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 12) Having had a spiritual awakening from these steps, I try to practice them in my daily life, and to model and respectfully offer these principles to others who suffer false-self wounds.

        Why do you suppose the original framers of these 12 steps chose to avoid using the pronouns "I" and "my"? Do you or someone you care about ever do that? It's one of many common symptoms of a shame-based personality. Excessive shame ("low self esteem") is one of the most common false-self wounds.

        Whatever expression of these ideas best fits you best, I believe the spirit of these 12 steps offers seekers an effective framework and guide for our quest toward wholistic health, compassion, serenity, high-nurturance families, and being all we can be.

        There are many Web sites devoted to the 12-step journey. It's comforting to realize how many of us are working toward the same personal and human goal!

        Whether you're committed to or groping toward recovery, I encourage you on your way. You are, and have always been, a unique person of indisputable worth and value to your fellow creatures.

Namasté, fellow pilgrim - "I salute the Spirit within you."

Recap

        This article respectfully proposes an update to the traditional 12 steps of addiction recovery. It pro-poses how the steps should look if "recovery" is taken to mean "reducing false-self (psychological) wounds" instead of "attaining sobriety." This follows my clinical conclusion that all toxic compulsions are unconscious attempts to cope with intolerable inner pain resulting from a neglectful, traumatic childhood. Relapses are likely until these wounds are accepted and reduced. Self-study Lesson 1 here offers a prac-tical way to do that.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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