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        This is one of a  series of articles on Lesson 1 of 8 in this Web site - (a) free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and (b) reduce significant false-self wounds. It is one of 12 checklists which give you a way to assess if you or someone you care about is...

• ruled by a false self,

• carrying up to six related psychological wounds, and...

• denying the wounds' toxic impacts on you and any kids and prized relationships.

        This worksheet assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this site and the premises underlying it self-study Lesson 1 this perspective on your personality Q&A about families how to draw your genogram (family map)

        After 30 years' clinical research, I believe that assessing for and healing from psychological wounds is the keystone Lesson that promote long-term family health and success. Do all the wound-assessment checklists before drawing any conclusions, to offset the odds that a protective (fearful) false self will skew your results on two or three checklists.

 Basic Premises

        Read these out loud, slowly, and notice any thoughts and feelings as you do...

• Some families provide higher nurturance (fill more true physical + emotional + spiritual + mental needs) for kids and adults than others.

• In a significantly low-nurturance environment, kids' emotional/spiritual development can be slowed, distorted, or blocked. Most such kids automatically develop a personality ruled by Young and Guardian subselves to survive, but don't thrive. Long-term, their wholistic health and longevity is at risk.

• My professional experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-U.S. client-families since 1981 suggests that over 80% of typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents seem to be domi-nated by a false self - and they don't (want to) know it (denial) or what it means.

• Family trees of significantly-wounded people have specific traits (or more of them) than trees of unwounded people. Some traits (below) are symptoms of early-childhood caregivers' wounds, and others are traumas that cause such wounds.

• Because of parents' unawareness and psychological wounds, low-nurturance childhoods tend to reproduce and spread down the generations, until a courageous adult breaks their denials, and intentionally stops the ancestral cycle via intentional personal recovery.   

   
 Checklist Directions

        Take a true-Self check: "I feel a mix of centered, grounded, peacefiul, alert, awake, "up," "light," focused, purpseful, resilient, realistic, compassionate, serene, calm, strong, and clear, so my true Self is probably leading my inner family." If you don't feel such a mix now, expect skewed results from this work-sheet.

        Get a large piece of blank paper, like two 8.5" x 11" sheets taped together on the long edge. On it, draw your three or four-generational family tree. Draw this diagram large, for you’ll be making notes all over it. Put names by each symbol. Include all the DNA-related (living and dead) people you know of in your family, and those of your current mate, their former mate (if any), and your former mate (if any).

       Reserve at least 45" of undistracted time. Honestly and thoughtfully, note on the diagram each pro-bable or sure instance of any of the traits below. The more time and care you take, the clearer your re-sults will be. Stay clear that this wound-assessment worksheet is about growing your compassionate awareness, not about blaming anyone!

        The table of traits below is illustrative, not comprehensive. If you think of ancestral traits that aren't listed, include them. "Chronic" below means "repeated." You may wish to spend several days or weeks researching your family tree to fill this worksheet out. Option: make this a group project with one or more interested relatives.

        If you think an ancestor may have had one of these traits but you aren't sure, add it to your diagram with a question mark. The wound-traits and traumas are organized in these groups:

• Child-related traumas and symptoms,

• Relationship traumas and symptoms,

• Health-related traumas and symptoms,

• Behavioral wound-symptoms,

• Social, financial, and legal trauma, and...

• Other traumas or symptoms 

       Deciding what is an "excessive" trait in an ancestor or relative is a subjective decision. To improve the objectivity of your research here, ask knowledgeable others (e.g. other kin, close family friends, in-volved health professionals) to reality-check your opinions about the existence of any trait you’re unsure of. The more traumatic the trait, the more intense a reaction you'll probably get.

       The common thread among these family-tree factors is that they may have resulted from, and/or promoted developing a protective false self in young children. This in turn causes mixes of excessive fears, shame, dis/trust, rage, reality distortions, and possibly difficulty feeling and/or bonding with other people. These common false-self wounds hinder healthy wholistic growth, and promote relationship, work, financial, and legal problems; "failures;" and a downward spiral of chronic self-wounding experiences over time.

        Significantly-wounded children usually grow into adults unaware of their wounds and false selves. They tend to choose wounded partners repeatedly, or they never form a committed relationship. Two wounded parents tend to unconsciously reproduce a low-nurturance home, which fosters false-self wounds in their kids, and passes the unseen cycle down the generations. Awareness and patient, self-motivated recovery from false-self dominance can stop this toxic bequest.

Alert: if you are significantly wounded, you're likely to unconsciously minimize or deny some or many of these family-tree traits. Also, traumas or traits like these can be (shameful) family secrets - and you may never have been told about them.

        In general, the more of these items someone's parents and/or other ancestors had, the higher the odds that significant false-self wounds passed on to the next generation. Keep in mind that some of these items are traumas that may or may not promote wounds, and some are wound-symptoms that promote traumas and more wounds. Also note that this is not an exhaustive list.

 "Scoring" a Family Tree

       As with the other wound-assessment worksheets, there is no research-based yardstick or scale that I know of to help reliably measure your results from this one. The more of the traits or events on page 1 that appear in an adult’s or child’s ancestry, the higher the odds they got too little emotional/spiritual nurturance (worksheet 2) in their early years, and automatically developed a dedicated false self to survive.

       We all have some of these ancestral traits and traumas. Watch for clusters of them among several members of a particular generation. My clinical guideline is: if there are probably or surely five or more of these factors in a person's current and past two generations, they’re probably significantly wounded (con-trolled by a false self). I know of no credible research that validates this (yet) - but see these research summaries on kids from "risky families" and most "mental-illness" starting by age 14.

        Your responses to the other Lesson-1 checklists will validate or refute your findings here. "Signifi-cantly-wounded" means the person you assessed will probably

• unintentionally pass on significant wounds to their descendents,

• avoid genuine commitment, or repeatedly commit to wounded partners, and

• replicate low-nurturance (toxic) relationships until they...

• commit to some form of effective personal wound-healing.

       Assigning any of these worksheet traits to an ancestor is a subjective decision. Deciding what "ex-cessive" is in any family member is an opinion. To improve the objectivity of your research here, ask knowledgeable others (e.g. other kin, close family friends, involved health professionals) to reality-check your opinions about the existence of any trait you’re unsure of. The more traumatic (read terrifying, agon-izing, or shameful) the trait, the more intense a reaction you'll probably get.

Alert: if you are significantly wounded, your governing false self is likely to minimize or deny some or many of these ancestral traits. Also, some of these traits may have been shameful  family secrets, and you were never told about them.

       Each of these family-tree factors or several together may have promoted excessive fears, shame, dis/trusts, hurt, confusion, rage, or anxiety in family kids of that generation. Whether that happened depends largely on whether family adults (a) were knowledgeable and aware enough to nurture the kids and themselves effectively at the time. 

        If they didn’t, these reactions may (vs. will) stunt healthy wholistic growth in minor kids. This pro-motes later relationship problems, "failures," and a downward spiral of chronic self-wounding experiences over time. Effective personal wound-recovery can stop this cycle, and promote restoring control of a chaotic personality to the person's wise true Self, over time. See Lesson 1.


 What Now?

• If you’ve filled out all the wound-assessments and you believe you are at least a moderately-woun-ded survivor of low childhood nurturance, then use the materials in Lesson 1 to implement a per-sonal wound-recovery plan over time with appropriate professional and other help. People in real (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery usually keep such plans as a  consistently high priority.

• If you feel your current partner is probably or surely ruled by a false self, discuss this concept and worksheet with them. Ask them to self-assess, using these Lesson-1 worksheets or equivalent. If s/he balks, postpones, pooh-poohs doing so, or vehemently disagrees, honestly re-examine why you’re in a primary relationship with this person.

Note: until a significantly-wounded person hits true (vs. pseudo) bottom, you can't persuade or force them to break their denials or want to start personal healing. Commonly, hitting bottom happens in midlife. Some wounded people never do. ...

• If you filled out one or more of these assessment worksheets focusing on an ex mate and you conclude that s/he probably or surely was or is significantly wounded, then ...

That suggests (vs. proves) that you probably are too, because wounded adults and kids (i.e. their ruling subselves) seem to unconsciously choose each other - repeatedly; and...

If you co-raised kids with that partner, those children are probably struggling with especial needs  and early versions of false-self wounding. That’s added incentive for you to learn about such woun-ding and effective recovery from it. For more perspective, see this and this

       Survivors of childhood deprivation and trauma often unconsciously commit to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.  Two wounded partners are at major risk of major relationship con-flicts and stress, and sequential breakups - specially in typical stepfamilies. And they're likely to re-create a low-nurturance environment for them and their minor kids despite vowing not to.

        Your minor kids mutely depend on your family adults to protect them against such massive loss and trauma - again…

+ + +

       These wound-assessment worksheets can’t conclusively "prove" low-nurturance childhoods and related psychological wounds. Together, they can provide clear, suggestive evidence that there may have been such. The high personal and co-parental stakes here merit getting an informed professional opinion, rather than relying solely on your (subjective) Self.

Resources

• Self-study Lesson 1 - asess for false-self wounds and reduce any you find;

• Helpful books:

• Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John C. Friel Ph.D., Linda D. Friel M.A. (Paperback - 2/88)

• Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion by John Bradshaw (Paperback - 5/96); Look for a related audio tape.

• Same House, Different Homes: Why Adult Children of Alcoholics Are Not All the Same by Robert J. Ackerman. This applies to all adults from low-nurturance child-hoods

• Secrets of Your Family Tree: Healing for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Dave Carder, et. al. (Paperback - 3/95).

 Notes / Thoughts …

 

        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated  June 30, 2010