If you have significant trouble with
a strategy, (e.g. can't get an image, or dialog, or stay focused)
suspect that a well-intentioned
and/or
subself doesn't yet trust this process is safe and helpful. Shift your
focus to that part, befriend it, learn who it's protecting, and seek
patiently to have it trust your Self and this parts-work strategy.
Note that these strategies are meant to illustrate a practical way to use
parts work to reduce common personal problems. These schemes are not meant
to be rigid cookbook solutions. Use your creativity to edit and adapt these
strategies to fit you and your situation.
Note that most full problem-solutions
include parts work +
.
ADDICTION
Use
this parts-work strategy if you meet these four conditions:
_
you feel
you can't control a harmful addiction to a
substance, an activity, a relationship
or an emotional state (like rage, sexual arousal, or religious
ecstasy); and you...
_ have
read this and
this for perspective on
families, addictions, personality subselves, and sobriety; and you...
_ have
read this if you feel
you are codependent; and if you have...
_ hit
true (vs. pseudo) bottom.
Premise - all four types of addiction are unconscious attempts to reduce
unbearable inner pain (shame + guilt + hurt + anxiety + exhaustion + sadness
+ regret + rage + despair).
Addictions are a sure sign of major
family dysfunction and inherited psychological wounds.
Strategy goals: free your true Self,
permanently reduce inner pain, and maintain stable sobriety
Basic
Parts-work Strategy
__
Vividly imagine how your life could be if you master your
addiction/s, Use your image to motivate you with these steps.
__
For perspective, view this brief YouTube video on
What you need to know about
addictions
__
Work steadily to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__
Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for
your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay
your using this framework. Ask them to relax and observe as your
Self carries out steps like these:
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__ Rough-draft your
roster of personality subselves, and group them as Inner Kids, Guardians or
Firefighters, and Managers.
__ Imagine that your
addiction is caused by a well-intentioned Guardian subself ("the
who distrusts your Self and ceaselessly strives to distract several Inner Kids' from
__
Befriend your Addict
subself, and see if s/he'll tell you which Inner Kids she's protecting.
Ask if s/he knows who you (your Self) are, and what you do (lead). Ask
if s/he trust you to lead (keep your Inner Kids safe). Expect ''No''.
__
If you
haven't worked with your
(Good Parent) subself, before, establish
contact with it now.
Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a
Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this
vital inner-family role.
__
One at a time,
patiently
work with each
who may
contribute to your inner pain, - e.g. your Overwhelmed, Lost,
Abandoned, Hurt, Sad, Angry, Guilty, and Shamed young subselves. Bring
them to live safely in the present, under the expert care of your
Nurturer and other Manager subselves,
Stay alert for potential benefits of
redoing some aspect of early trauma
with any subself - specially your Inner Kids.
__
Befriend and retrain your
Inner
and
(Guardian subselves) to trust your Self and stop shaming and scaring
your Inner Kids.
__ Tell your Addict that
the Kids s/he's guarding are now safe and cared for. Work patiently to get
your Addict to trust your Self and other Managers to keep you and your Inner
Kids safe in all situations. As you succeed, consider negotiating a
new inner-family role for this
useful Guardian.
__ If you have a
protective
subself ("this won't work"), befriend and ask him/her respectfully to
be quiet and give this strategy a chance.
__
If you have
a relationship addiction ("codependence"), read this
article and then implement
this strategy.
Options
__
Participate in several local 12-step
"Anonymous" groups like AA, GA, NA, or CoDA; and/or an
inpatient addiction-recovery program. The people there probably won't know about
inherited psychological wounds, personality subselves, or parts work -
and they can still be inspiring, informative, and supportive.
If you do
participate and choose a sponsor, invite her or him to study online lesson 1 to
understand what you're doing to achieve stable sobriety and reduce GWC
wounds..
__ Review this proposed
revision of the traditional "Anonymous"
12 Steps for Grown Wounded Children (GWCs). Edit it to suit you, print it,
and use it as a guide as you achieve sobriety.
__
Review
your key relationships, and decide which are toxic (cause you
significant pain), and which are nurturing. Use lesson-2
to assert boundaries with, reduce contact with, or end toxic
relationships, including family members. Use
to strengthen your relationship skills and options.
__ Ask
others who are using parts work to gain sobriety for resources and
suggestions, and give them yours. Consider joining or starting a
mutual-help recovery group. Note the free private
FaceBook discussion group related to this nonprofit site.
__
If you have an unhealthy or stressful compulsion other than an
addiction (like nail biting, scratching, stammering, or interrupting),
use this same strategy by identifying, befriending, and retraining. a
different Guardian (e.g. "My Nail Biter.")
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy index
AGGRESSION and
ABUSE
Use this
strategy if you and/or others feel you are "too aggressive" or
"abusive."
"Aggression" occurs when person "A" imposes his or her needs and
opinions on person "B" without caring about B's needs or feelings. It
may be caused by several subselves who have disabled the true Self -
e.g. Bully, Entitled, and Impatient
Inner Kids; and possibly a Magician, Egotist, and Numb-er (Guardian) subselves,
"Abuse" occurs when person "A" hurtfully uses person "B" to
gratify some needs, and "B" can't defend themselves or leave. If "B" CAN
defend themselves or leave, "A's" behavior is
aggression not abuse. This distinction is
important because "abuse" and "abuser" are provocative, shaming labels
that amplify conflict and inhibit problem-solving
Typical overly-aggressive people are
(GWCs) who
are unaware of their inherited wounds and of communication and
relationship skills
Strategy goals - develop
your awareness, empathy, and assertion skills, and replace aggression
with effective assertion.
__
Vividly imagine how your life could be if you change aggression to
respectful assertion, Use your image to tailor this parts-work strategy
__ Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your
Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your
using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self
carries out these steps.
__
Patiently
work to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__
Read this article on
awareness, and practice this
awareness
until it becomes a habit.
__
Practice asking "Is my true
Self
or is 'someone else'?"
__
If you
haven't worked with your
(Good Parent) subself, before, establish
contact with it now.
Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a
Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this
vital inner-family role.
__
Review your inventory of
subselves, and see if you have any of these Inner Kids: _ a Bully, _ an
Impatient Kid; _ an "Entitled" Kid, _ a Selfish Kid, _ an Insecure Kid,,
and/or a _ Rebel.
__
_
Work with
each such Inner Child: introduce her/him to your Nurturer, and bring
the Child to
live in the present.
__
In
age-appropriate ways, teach each such Child...
_ what
are,
_ that other people's needs are
as valid as theirs, except in emergencies.
how to _
and _
their primary needs,
_ what
empathy is,
_ the difference between
aggression and assertion,
_ how aggression harms
relationships,
_ how to
and
_ how to
(negotiate and compromise).
Consider teaching these things in an "inner class" to
all your subselves. If you have a
"Teacher" (Manager) subself, delegate this important task to her or
him'.
__
Gain perspective from this article on
abuse.
__
See if
you have an "Aggressor" Guardian subself.
If so, _ befriend it, learn what it's trying to do (protect some inner
Child?),
retrain it, and/or negotiate a
new inner-family role for it -
e.g. a Peaceful Warrior.
If you do, _ call an all-parts council meeting to explain this new role
and manage any reactions.
__
In social situations, practice noticing your
and strive for a two-person bubble.
__
Identify the real and fictional people who most influence you. Do any of
them encourage, promote, or justify aggression? If so, question why you
want to please or emulate them.
__
Ask important people to tell you if they feel you're being aggressive
rather than assertive.
__
(Add your own strategic ideas).
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy index
ANGER > RAGE
"ATTACKS"
Use this strategy if you have
trouble controlling (expressing) your anger and frustration. This
strategy is for adults. Over-angry
kids are best helped with family therapy.
Some GWCs are controlled by a
Frustrated Child and/or Rageful Child who gets triggered ("erupts") and
disables the true Self. These "attacks" cause social problems, lower
self-esteem, and promote guilt and shame. The media often features
stories about "road rage," and about family-court judges requiring
defendants to attend "anger management" classes. Angry outbursts are
clinically categorized as "impulse control" problems.
Strategy goals:
learn to use anger and frustration constructively and teach Inner
Kids and their Guardian subselves not to take over your true Self.
__
For perspective, view this YouTube video on
using anger and frustration.
__
Vividly imagine how your life could be if you learn to control your
anger and frustrations and use them constructively, Use your
image to tailor this parts-work strategy
__ Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your
Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your
using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self
carries out these steps.
__
Patiently
work to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__
Learn to distinguish between anger and frustration,
and how to use
each of them constructively. Use this article on
anger policies to
identify _ your birth-family's anger policy, and _ your present policy.
__
If you
haven't worked with your
(Good Parent) subself, before, establish
contact with it now.
Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a
Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this
vital inner-family role.
__
Inventory
your
to see of you have
_ an Angry Child, _ a Frustrated Child
(may be the same), and _ a Hurt Child.
__
Work with
each child, _ introduce them to your
Nurturer (Good Parent), and _ bring them to
live in the present with your other subselves,
.__
Learn
what - specifically - causes pain for your Hurt Child. If the causes are
in the past, teach your Child how to
grieve, forgive,
and let go. If there are pain-sources in the present (like toxic
relationships), identify any Guardian subselves that may promote the
pain
__
See if
you have a Guardian subself who
strong emotions like irritation, hurt, and frustration to protect Inner
Kids from stress and overwhelm If you do
_ befriend it,
_ assure it
the Kids are safe and protected by your Managers,
_
gain its
trust in your Self, and...
_
retrain this subself and/or
negotiate a new inner-family rile for it.
Numbing and/or repression
(*stuffing") promote stress, overwhelm, and blow-ups ("rage attacks")
__
Teach
all your subselves _ your personal
rights, _ how to
your
and _ how to
their needs respectfully.
__
If
your angry outbursts are promoted by chemical overuse or addiction,
work patiently to
attain sobriety.
__ Don't
expect "anger management" classes or books to provide lasting help. They
don't know about GWC wounds, subselves, or parts work.
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy index
CHRONIC
ANXIETY / PANIC
ATTACKS (GWC wound)
Use this strategy
if you have excessive and/or chronic anxiety and fears.
Fear is an instinctual, primal animal
response which keeps us safe from danger and injury. Moderate
situational fear is useful and healthy.
One of six inherited GWC
is excessive and/or chronic fears of criticism, failure,
rejection, abandonment, the unknown, intimacy, commitment, and
success, This wound promotes living a truncated, fear-based life governed by
Strategy goal: reduce
chronic and/or excessive fears (anxieties / worries / panics) to normal
levels.
__
For perspective, view this brief YouTube video on
The truth about excessive fear
and anxiety
__
Vividly imagine how your life could be if you reduce your anxieties
and fears to normal, Use your image to tailor and use this parts-work strategy
__ Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your
Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your
using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self
carries out these steps.
__
Work patiently to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic pars-work strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__
Read
this perspective on excessive
fears.
__
If you
haven't worked with your
(Good Parent) subself, before, establish
contact with it now.
Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a
Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this
vital inner-family role.
__
Include
and
in your inventory of subselves. You may have more than
one Scared Child with different developmental ages starting with an anxious/insecure
infant.
__
Work with
each Child one at time, bring them to
live in the present,: and
learn what each one fears - specifically.
If
the Child fears something in the past, show him or her that the feared thing is GONE.
If
the Child fears something in the present, _ estimate the
developmental age of the Child, and respond to each fear as you
would with a real child of that age. Emphasize s/he is safe
because your
subselves (and a Higher Power?) are on guard, strong, and competent
to handle any danger. Use
as resources.
__
If you
have a
and/or a
Guardian subself,
_
befriend each of
them one at a time via inner dialogs;
_ thank them for
their tireless service,
_
teach
them that they're scaring your Inner Kids, and
_ convince them
the kids are now safe and cared for by your Managers (and
Higher Power?)
_ get them to relax
and trust your Self and other Managers.
and stop taking you over!
_
retrain each Guardian as needed.
This often means identifying key attitudes and beliefs you were taught
as a child, and replacing them with healthier ones,
_
negotiate a new
inner-family role for each part as needed. If you do, _ inform other
subselves of this important change.
__
Identify
any people in your life who cause your subselves significant anxiety and
fear now. One at a time, _ identify specifically what your subselves
fear, and _ what's needed - specifically - to reduce each fear to
acceptable.
Then decide what your options are to reduce each fear...
_ confront the
person respectfully and
your needs and boundaries with your
Self in charge, or...
_ identify
people who could help you reduce the fear, and ask for their
assistance; or...
_ limit or end
contact with each scary person, or...
_ acknowledge you
can't affect or control the feared thing or person, and use the
__ Meditate on
these thoughts about taking risks.
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy
index
APATHY and LAZINESS
Use
this parts-work strategy if you consistently have little or no ambition,
energy, or motivation to accomplish necessary or fun things.
The traditional view is that "laziness" is a character flaw correctable
by willpower and "right thinking." I propose the real cause is
three or four interrelated things:
-
several personality subselves that
distrust your wise true Self, and disable it and the Achiever
(Manager) subself;
-
your subselves are grieving one or
more major losses;
-
a low-nurturance (dysfunctional) environment;
and perhaps...
-
having not discovered your life purpose..
Strategy Goal
- discover and remove two or three blocks to normal life enthusiasm and
accomplishment.
__ For
perspective, view this brief YouTube video on
The Truth About Laziness.
__
Vividly imagine how your life could be if you convert apathy
and lethargy into regular focused productivity, Use your image to tailor
this parts-work strategy
__ Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your
Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your
using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self
carries out these steps.
__
Patiently
work to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic parts-work strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__
If you
feel "depressed," work at a version of
this strategy. A normal phase of
depression and grieving is apathy and low energy.
__
If you
have an addiction, use this strategy on
achieving lasting sobriety.
__
If you
haven't worked with your
(Good Parent) subself, before, establish
contact with it now.
Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a
Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this
vital inner-family role.
__ Check
your roster of subselves to see if you have Overwhelmed and/or
Inner Kids. If so, work with them: introduce them to your
Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, and bring them to live with your other
subselves in the present time.
__
Scan
your roster of subselves when you're
not distracted. Use your intuition: which of them seem most related to
your "laziness"?
__ If you
have a
Guardian subself who causes thoughts like "There's no point in doing
anything"...
_
befriend this well-intentioned Guardian,
_ learn which Inner Child/ren it's
protecting (e.g. your
and Overwhelmed Kids);
_ reassure this subself the Child/ren
are now reliably cared for by your Nurturer and other Managers;
_ get the Nihilist to
trust and follow
your Self, and retrain
and/or
reassign it to a new inner-family role.
_ let your other subselves
know about this improvement
to the team.
__ If you
have an
(Manager) subself.
_ Befriend it, and _ learn who or what
may be interfering with its work. Suspect a well-intentioned
and/or
subself who may be trying to protect your Shamed and/or other
Inner Children from conflict, failure, and/or overwhelm.
If you
don't have an Achiever / Do-er subself ,look for opportunities to
reassign another subself to that important role..
__
Assess
yourself for signs of
unfinished mourning. If you have signs, study these
basics and
options.
__
Assess
your family members and close friends: are they promoting your "apathy"
in some way, like nagging, complaining, blaming, manipulating,
discouraging, and/or
gossiping about you?
__
See if
this article about
black sheep and scapegoats,
applies to you.
__
Consider getting a physical
exam to discover if you have a medical problem causing a lack of energy.
__
If you
often get too little sleep and feel "too tired to do anything," see this
strategy for sleeping
better.
__
Based on these options, follow your own wisdom as to other actions you
can take to regain normal interest in daily life.
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy
index
DEPRESSION
Use this strategy
if you feel "too depressed" too often, and/or if you're using
anti-depressant medication.,
This normal human "mood disorder" in kids and adults ranges from mild to
severe ("clinical"), and from situational (temporary) to chronic.
Using
anti-depressant medication may reduce the sadness, apathy, and
moodiness; but will not reduce the underlying psychological cause
of this condition
(vs., "illness."). Note that depression and
normal grief have very similar symptoms, which invites mis-diagnosis and
mistreatment.
Premise - chronic and "clinical" depression usually indicate inherited
psychological
from early-childhood trauma.
Most
traditional medical and psychological treatments for depression and other
"mood disorders" ignore the likelihood of these unseen wounds.
Strategy goal
- resume a stable cheerful mood and energy level
__ Vividly
imagine how your life could be if you end significant depression and
complete your grief, Use your image to power this parts-work strategy
__ For
perspective, view this brief YouTube video on
depression vs., grief
__ Read
this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your
Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your
using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self
carries out these steps.
__
Patiently
work to
your true Self to guide you, and _ review the
basic parts-work strategy steps above. Is your Self
you now? If not - who is?
__ Adopt a
long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes.
Mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."
__
Ground yourself. _ Search the Web on "depression".
Then _ compare what you found with this article on
depression and grief.
__
Assess yourself for inherited
psychological wounds from early-childhood trauma. Decide if you are a "Grown
Wounded Child" (GWC).
__
Take
this quiz on healthy grief
__
Learn
about bonding, losses, and healthy
grief.
__
See if you
have any symptoms of
unfinished grief. _ If you do, choose from these grief-completion
options.
__
Inventory
your subselves, and sense (vs. compute) which of them are contributing
to your depression. _ Befriend and
retrain them as appropriate.
__
If you
haven't previously done so befriend your _
(Good
Dad / Mom) and _
(Manager) subselves.
__
See if you have one or more
If you do...
_
befriend each one, and _ ask what is causing the sadness.
_
Introduce the Sad Child/ren to your Nurturer and Spiritual One,
_
If a Sad Child is living in the past,
bring her or him to live in
the present to join your other subselves.,
__
If you
have an addiction that promotes your depression, use
this parts-work strategy as you do this
one.
__
If you have a
_ befriend it, _ introduce it to your Nurturer, _ learn what causes
its guilt, and _ bring it to live in the present.
_ if you feel
any guilt is promoting your depression (i.e. is related to an
ungrieved loss or an addiction), use
this strategy to reduce
it.
__ If
you're in a toxic family,
marital, and/or work environment that promotes your depression, consult
your
Future Self and
(Manager subself) for guidance on what to do.
__ If you're
taking anti-depressant medication, accept that it masks the real
problems (above) rather than healing them. Note that whoever prescribed
the medication probably knows nothing about what you're learning here.
Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps
comprising it.
Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook,"
and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others
ones that occur to you.
Consider _ using a veteran
parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy,
and/or _ starting or joining a
group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.
Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to
harmonize your inner family and
free your true Self to guide you in
all situations.
strategy
index / page 2
Prior
page /
Lesson 1
site
intro /
course outline
/
site search /
definitions / chat
/
contact
The Web
address of this 4-page article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/IF/strategies.htm