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This is one of a
series
of articles in Lesson 1 in
this Web site - free your
to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and
significant false-self
This article
is for people who feel they may be
(or are) addicted to something, and want to know their options.
Companion articles suggest options if you feel
your mate, a
relative, or a
child you care about may
be addicted.
These articles assume you're familiar with...
Are You Addicted?
If you're not sure...
-
study these
and see if they fit. If you're ruled by a protective
realize
that your evaluation may be skewed.
-
Search the Web for
"addiction assessment" resources
-
Learn the
criteria for selecting qualified professional help
to assess for the symptoms of one or more of the four
types of addiction. The Web sites for the major
"Anonymous" addiction-recovery organizations like
AA,
Al-Anon,
OA,
NA,
ACoA,
GA,
FA,
SAA, and
CoDA are good starting points.
-
Study the resources at
www.hazelden.org
-
Hire a qualified addictions therapist to
help you make an honest assessment. Do not expect veter-an therapists to
know about false-self
yet. Option - refer them to this
these articles and ask their reaction.
-
If you conclude
you are actively "addicted"
(wounded), decide if you believe that addiction recovery must precede
full recovery from
false-self wounds. If you don't,
expect to live with the constant possibility of
relapsing..
Status check
- on a scale of one (I'm sure I am not addicted to anyone
or anything) to ten (I'm sure I am addicted now), what do you
believe? ___
Where would the people who know you best rank you on this scale
now? ___ If you feel you're not truly addicted, why
are you reading this? Note that there is no such thing as being "a
little addicted," any more than you can have "a little leukemia."
|
Premise - when you have several requisites,
you can manage (vs. cure) your addiction succes-sfully - i.e.
you
can find a healthier way to reduce your
This article outlines these requi-sites and how to use them.
|
Perspective
Premise - addictions are unconscious attempts to reduce significant
"inner pain" - i.e. [shame
+ guilts + hurt + anger + confusion + fears + despair (hopelessness)]. Typical addicts (like you?) realize that their
behavior hurts themselves and other people, but they don't know the
cause of their inner pain, or a healthier way to manage and reduce it.
After 17 years' research and clinical and personal experience,
I propose...
-
you may have learned to numb and
repress your psychological pain since childhood, and will probably feel
"I have no major inner pain!" If so, this is normal false-self
reality distortion.
-
your inner pain has been caused by the
of the [wounds + ignorance]
on your
child-hood caregivers and you; and...
-
the "healthier way" to manage your pain and
permanently end your addictive behaviors has four phases:
-
hit false bottoms, attempt "trial
recoveries," and relapse one or more times;
-
hit true
- often in mid-life. You cannot force this to happen. Then...
-
learn about your
and
break your protective denials, and commit to some form of
hi-priority 12-step recovery for at least
a year; and as you do...
-
commit to using some version of
these ideas to empower
your
and intentionally reduce
your false-self wounds and pain, over time.
The rest of this article outlines these phases, and links
you to more detail on each of them.
Hit True Bottom
Premise - a true addiction
(toxic compulsion) cannot be controlled by "will power" or "logic"
be-cause it is caused by well-meaning Guardian
personality subselves who rigidly focus on achieving short -term relief from
inner pain at the expense of long-term unhappiness. To permanently stop addictive thoughts and behaviors, a
wounded person must accumulate enough pain and despair to "override" these
subselves - i.e. to "hit
bottom" or "hit the wall."
Some people are able to do this - often in
mid-life. For various reasons, other addicts (a) hit one or more "trial
bottoms" and relapse before hitting true bottom, or (b) they never hit true bottom, and endure increasingly unhappy,
unhealthy lives until they die prematurely.
Three key factors determine which
course a person follows: (a) the composition of their personality, (b) the degree of false-self
wounds
that they've acquired (moderate to extreme), and (c) the
nurturance level
of their current family and/or social environment (very low to very high).
Implication: whether you have hit true bottom yet or not - if you
want to end an unhealthy compul-sion, honestly assess (a) yourself for
psychological wounds,
and (b) the nurturance level of your family and
workplace or other environments. The knowledge
you gain from these evaluations yields practical options toward reducing
your inner pain, and choosing a more nurturing environment.
in this nonprofit Web site offers concrete options and many resources to
help you assess these two factors effectively, and suggests what you may do with your
results.
For more perspective on hitting trial and true bottoms, read
this article, and return here.
Questions...
-
Are you controlled by a protective
false self "too often"?
-
Have you hit true bottom yet? Note - if
your Self is disabled, a
false self will probably
distort your answer.
-
Where does maintaining your wholistic health
rank in your major life priorities
recently - as judged by your actions, not your words? Would other
people who know you well agree with your answer?
-
Is
your true Self
these questions, or
The
next phase of addiction-recovery starts when you...
Break Your Denials and Commit to 12-step Beliefs
To start true addiction recovery, you need to dissolve
at least seven universal denials:
-
I am not significantly controlled by
a false self (wounded);
-
I do not have significant inner pain;
-
I do not have an addiction. I can
quit any time I want to;
-
I can control
my life and of enough of my environment.
I don't need help from anyone
else;
-
I can live well enough without believing in
and actively communing with a
Higher Power
-
I can live life well enough without
committing to
the 12-steps and
principles.
-
I am not denying these things.
Hitting true bottom makes
it possible to want to replace each of these beliefs with their opposites without
ambivalence, and without doing it to please other people.
Some recoverers use 12-step meetings and programs to help dissolve their
denials. Other people hit bottom and dissolve the denials first, and then
evolve a meaningful 12-step program. A minority of true ad-dicts are able to
hit bottom and maintain permanent addiction recovery without a 12-step
program.
Similarly, some people start
harmonizing their subselves before starting preliminary (addiction)
re-covery, and others need to be in preliminary recovery for at least a year
before being able to admit and start reducing their false-self wounds. Each
person discovers their own path.
Do
I have to adopt the 12-step ideas?
To
answer that, keep your perspective: people commonly associate the
12 steps with alcoholic recovery. In the last generation,
12-step "Anonymous" addiction-recovery groups like
AA,
Al-Anon,
OA,
NA,
ACoA,
GA,
FA,
SAA, and
CoDA
have spread internationally, to help manage all
of addic-tions. That suggests the universal effectiveness of the 12 steps
and principles.
My
28-year research and experience suggests -
"Yes, you do need to
adopt these proven principles on your own or by attending 12-step
meetings and choosing a veteran sponsor as a guide and mentor. Almost 80
years of world-wide experience suggests that your odds of long-term health
and recovery rise sharply if you choose to "work the steps." Reluctance to
accept this is usually a sign of a distrustful false self.
The
basic reasons for adopting a 12-step program are...
-
the steps and principles help to break the
seven crippling denials above;
and...
-
meeting regularly with fellow recoverers and
reaffirming the steps can significantly help to "stay on
(recovery) course" despite distractions and inner urges to relapse.
Most
recoverers are unaware of false-self wounds, so they need to "keep coming
back" to 12-step meetings to avoid relapsing. If you choose to admit
and reduce your
wounds, you'll probably find your need to attend meetings changes from
essential to optional - socializing and helping
others to recover (step 12).
Does
your reaction to this idea start with "Yes, but..."? If so, suspect that
a protective subself...
-
fears relying on some unknown
principles and other people, and...
-
fiercely resists making changes that
might threaten you, and/or cause the subself to lose control and power.
Note
that a classic false-self
fear is of the unknown (e.g. change).
You
have many choices about if and when to adopt the 12-step philosophy and a
related recovery program. Start by
learning what the steps are, and what people who use them sound like.
To avoid per-sonal and social confusion, note the distinction between the 12
steps and the 12 "Anonymous"
principles and 12
Traditions.
A useful way to learn is to locate 12-step meetings in your area and attend
an "open" meeting. These are for anyone interested in learning more about
12-step programs and philosophy. "Closed" mee-tings are for people in active
recovery. They exist to protect the identity of the participants, which is
based on the old misperception that addiction a shameful lack of "will
power."
Option - interview anyone you know who is open about
working to control an addiction. Typical wo-men and men in true recovery are
usually willing to discuss what they're recovering from, how they're
recovering, and what the effects of recovery on them and their family have
been so far.
How Can I
choose an Effective
12-step Sponsor?
Most people committed to a 12-step program eventually choose a
sponsor to guide, encourage, and empathically confront them on
denials. Choosing such a mentor is as
important as picking a qualified doctor, lawyer, and therapist. How can you
evaluate potential sponsors and make a wise choice? I sug-gest that
candidates should have most or all of these traits:
-
be at least 35 or older (for maturity and
life experience);
-
be a biological parent (if you are);
-
be married and/or divorced, if you are or
have been;
-
have personal stepfamily experience and
knowledge
if you're in a stepfamily or may be;
-
have relapsed at least once in the past (not
recently), and be willing to talk openly about that;
-
have been working an effective 12-step
recovery program for at least 10 years;
-
have no signs
of codependence;
-
have a firm belief in, and an active
relationship with, a benign (vs. punitive) Higher Power;
-
be open to learning about the [wounds +
ignorance]
and evaluating its effects in his or her life and yours;
-
be willing to acknowledge the relationship
between preliminary
(addiction) recovery, and full
(false-self wound) recovery;
-
be skilled at patiently guiding you in
understanding and following the 12 steps;
-
be genuinely empathic, affirming,
supportive, and trustworthy; And an ideal sponsor will...
-
be willing to confront you directly
and respectfully on your false-self's protective denials,
delusions, distortions, and evasions as you recover.
Option - with an open mind, reality-check these
criteria with
veteran 12-step recoverers who have experi-enced two or more sponsors in
their own journey. Add their advice to these criteria.
+ + +
If you're able to hit true bottom, break your denials, and commit to preliminary
12-step recovery, the next keystone requisite for solid sobriety is to...
Accept and Reduce Your False-self Wounds
Recall the basic premise here that all toxic compulsions ("addictions") are
attempts by personality subselves to mute or distract from relentless inner
pain. Do you accept without
reservation or doubt that this idea applies to you now? If so,
you're probably ready to act on what you're about to read. If not, you
probably haven't hit true bottom yet.
|
Are you motivated now (vs. "willing") to invest considerable
time using all 12 assessment
work-sheets here to estimate whether you have
significant false-self wounds? Any answer other than "yes"
suggests that a false self controls you, and you haven't
hit your true bottom yet. |
Perspective - since none of us had perfectly-nurturing
childhoods, we all have
some degree of woun-dedness, including your hero/ines and mentors.
So the real question is "How wounded am I?", not "Am I wounded?"
If you conclude that you have "significant" wounds (a subjective
decision), then use the ideas and resources in
and its
to evolve a personal wound-recovery plan that fits you. For perspective,
review this
article. For an overview of typical wound-recovery benefits,
read this.
As a professional therapist in wound-recovery since
1986, I now believe that the most effective way to reduce false-self
dominance is some form of
or "inner-family therapy." Lay and clinical people who don't
agree with this usually have no knowledge of personality subselves and
wounds, and/or no direct experi-ence with parts work.
Part
of Lesson 1 here is
a summary of "parts work."
It is included in my
guidebook Who's Really Running Your Life? Free your Self
from custody, and guard your kids (Xlibris.com, 2002; 2nd ed.).
There are many other
resources available now
to help you reduce your wounds over time - books, programs, Web
sites, support groups, and clinicians.
Personal-addiction recovery options, continued...
