Lesson 1 of 8 - free your true Self and reduce false-self wounds

Study Guide - LESSON ONE

Free your true Self to guide you

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm

Note - this Lesson used to be called Project 1. The key ideas are the same.

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your brow-ser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If the windows distract you, read the guide before following any links.

        This will guide you through the first of eight self-study lessons. They all exist to help protect you and your family from the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle. This guide assumes you have read...

 Why Study This Lesson?

        At least 80% of over 1,000 typical American adults I've met as a family-systems therapist and edu-cator have had symptoms of major psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods. I believe the wounds stem from being controlled by a well-meaning "false self." Until recognized and reduced, false-self dominance...
  • promotes low-nurturance families, which psychologically harms innocent kids, and it...

  • relentlessly degrades wholistic health, key relationships (like marriage), personal productivity; ef-fective communication, parenting, and healthy mourning. Coupled with widespread ignorance, these...

  • promote relentless inner pain and addictions, obesity, homelessness, crime, depression, abortions, dropouts, gangs, fanaticism, suicide, and other major social problems; and... 

  • false-self control silently passes down the generations because of social ignorance and denial.

This Web site calls significantly-wounded adults Grown Wounded Children or GWCs. Lay literature calls us Adult Children (of childhood trauma, toxic parents, and/or family dysfunction). 

        Does your reaction to what you just read include something like "Well I'M  not a GWC!"? Note that denial is a common symptom of false-self wounds. In this lesson you'll learn whether you're a GWC - and if you are, what you can do about it. Study this lesson even if you're already in some form of personal healing.

        This healing work is based on the premise that normal personalities are composed of semi-indepen-dent subselves or parts. If you're skeptical, try this interesting exercise and read this. Then return here. About 80% of the visitors responding to this poll say "Yes, personality subselves are real, without ques-tion." If you still doubt that subselves control your life, lower your expectations and skip to Lesson 2.

  Objective - Lesson 1 will empower you to (a) be aware of your many talented personality sub-selves, and to (b) free your resident true self to guide you in calm and stressful situations. You'll also become able to (c) spot and empathize with people ruled by false selves, and to (d) relate to them effectively, using the attitudes and skills in Lesson 2. 

        This Lesson has four modules:

  • Learn about personality subselves and Grown Wounded Children (GWCs);

  • Assess yourself for psychological ("false self") wounds;

  • Evolve an effective plan to free your true Self and reduce your sounds; and...

  • Learn how to spot and react to other wounded people

         Use what follows as a checklist to track your progress.

  Lesson 1, Module 1 - Learn the Basics...

__ 1-1)  take this quiz to see what you know about personalities (like yours)

        When you're undistracted, read these articles in order with an open mind. Option - journal about your reactions to them to start creating a personal wound-recovery resource.

__ 1-2)  the premises underlying this nonprofit Web site.

__ 1-3)  review the developmental needs of average young children

__ 1-4)  perspective on parental ignorance, neglect, abandonment, and self-neglect.

__ 1-5)  perspective on high-nurturance families. Were you raised in one? Are you living in one now?

__ 1-6)  read:

__ 1-7)  compare these ideas on human personalities to your ideas.

__ 1-8)  learn about normal personality subselves. If you're skeptical, _ try this interesting exercise, and
            _ rephis memo. Then return here. And read...

__ 1-9)  these Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) about personality subselves. Then read...

__ 1-10)  perspective on the idea of a "false self"

__ 1-11)  What's a Grown Wounded Child? and What It Means to be Ruled by a False self.

        Then study...

__ 1-12)  this example of a real stepfamily affected by inner wounds. Then...

__ 1-13)  review these titles about "Adult Children" (Grown Wounded Children) to see other viewpoints.

__ 1-14)  now learn about the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that may be stressing your family.

__ 1-15)  Check your new knowledge: retake quiz #1

        If you have questions or comments on these ideas, please post them in our free chat, or contact me. Note that skipping any of these readings may indicate that you're ruled by a false self.

        This basic education will prepare you to assess yourself for significant false-self wounds and reduce them. That will promote more satisfying communications, relationships, grieving, and wholistic health.
 

 Lesson 1, Module 2 - Assess Yourself for Wounds

        Premise - Low-nurturance families and false-self (psychological) wounds are widespread in our cul-ture. The wounds range from mild to severe. Most Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) with significant wounds are unaware of them because of denial and social ignorance. Implication - you and people you care about may be living with disabled true Selves without knowing it.

__ 1-16)  Review this description of false-self wounds and their typical effects.

__ 1-17)  Follow these guidelines on wound-assessment.

__ 1-18)  Follow these suggestions for scoring your assessment-worksheet results.

__ 1-19)  If you have questions on wounds or wound-assessment, check this Q&A, post them on our              chat, or ask me.

__ 1-20)  Take this true/false status check, when you're undistracted and your true Self guides you. ? =               "I'm not sure."

_  I can name all six false self wounds, and _ their six common impacts.  (T  F  ?)

_  I can describe how to tell if false-self wounds are "significant."  (T  F  ?)

_  I can define "denial" and "minimizing" to an average young teen.  (T  F  ?)

_  I took my time to complete all 12 assessment worksheets honestly.  (T  F  ?)

_  I followed the suggestions in "scoring" the worksheets (#3 above).  (T  F  ?)

_  I feel I do have significant false-self wounds that I want to reduce.  (T  F  ?)

        If you feel you do have significant false-self wounds or behaviors, continue with Module 3 below. If you're not sure, ask someone you trust to be objective (like a counselor) to review this module and give you an opinion. If you feel your wounds aren't significant (by your standards), begin lesson 2 (learn effec-tive-communication basics and skills). Even if you're minimally wounded, you may still be unaware.
 

 Lesson 1, Module 3 - Free Your true Self and Reduce Your Wounds

        One key to protecting your family and descendents from the [wounds + unawareness] cycle is to admit and reduce significant false self wounds. The other key is to convert unawareness and ignorance into knowledge. That's why this course exists. If you feel you're controlled by a false self too often, (i.e. significantly wounded)  this module will guide you through an effective recovery process.

__ 1-21)  Review this true story of an average American family suffering from adult wounds and unaware-ness. I have met hundreds of troubled families like them.

__ 1-22)  Study this overview of how to reduce false-self wounds (''recover'') - slides or text.

__ 1-23)  Review these Q&A items about normal personality subselves. Refer to this as you progress.

__ 1-24)  Study this perspective on hitting "true bottom." If you haven't clearly hit yours, view this work as a valuable learning experience (a trial recovery), and go ahead.

__ 1-25)  Read this 9-page guide to "parts work" (inner family therapy). This is one effective way to reduce your wounds over time. Other clinicians propose different ways to help you recover from toxic parents, or childhood trauma. My experience as a veteran (recovering) therapist is that other recovery methods are apt to be superficial and take longer. Exceptions are Voice Dialog, Psychosynthesis, and Eye-Movement De-sensitization and Retraining (EMDR)

__ 1-26)  Consider shopping for a qualified parts-work therapist in your area. See selfleadership.org for leads and helpful resources. I'm a 1992 graduate of their training program.

__ 1-27)  Meditate on this update of the well-known 12 Steps and consider living by your version of it.

__ 1-28)  Decide if you want to tell key people what you're doing, and why. Expect others to not know about subselves and/or to be skeptical of parts work. If they are, refer them to http://sfhelp.org/fam/cycle.htm without preaching.

      If you can find someone else interested in or already doing parts-work, consider teaming up with them. Know that some subselves pretend to want to recover, but aren't really committed. They're not "bad," they're scared, and need patient reassurance.

__ 1-29)  Evolve a list of your subselves, and group them (tentatively) as Managers, Inner Kids, and Guardians. Follow the guidelines in this article.

__ 1-30)  Divide a horizontal blank page for each group columns 1 to 5 (left to right). In column one, list your tentative set of (Managers or Kids or Guardians). In column 2, enter the age you feel this part (sub-self) is. If you're not sure, put "?." In column 3, put the part's gender - male, female, or ?. In column 4, put your intuitive guess as to whether this subself trusts your true Self (Yes, No, or ?). In column 5, put your intuitive guess as to the main "job" of this subself - e.g. "make people like me," or "keep me focused."

__ 1-31)  On each page, asterisk, circle, or hilight the parts you feel are most active in your recent life.

__ 1-32)  Start with active subselves who you feel don't know or trust your Self. Interview them one at a time, and (a) confirm their distrust, and (b) start negotiating to build trust. Use the parts-work steps and techniques outlined here.- ideally with the help of a trained inner-family systems therapist.

__ 1-33)  Patiently repeat this process with each subself who causes your wounds. Keep in mind there are no "bad" subselves. They all mean to help, but often retain outdated or distorted information from your early life.

__ 1-34)  Practice asking yourself "Who's in charge: my Self (capital 'S') or someone else? You're "done" with this wound-reduction process when you usually answer "My Self."

__ 1-35)  As you progress at these steps, periodically reread this overview of wound-reduction or the guide-book for this vital Lesson.
 

 Lesson 1, Module 4 - Learn how to spot and relate to wounded people

        As you experience wound-reduction benefits, you'll become more aware of others who don't realize they're ruled by a false self. Common responses are to pity, judge, and/or help them "see the light." This is specially true for wounded mates, friends, and respected (and vexing) relatives.

__ 1-36)  Use this behavioral comparison to recognize people ruled by a false self. For a more detailed tool, use this.

__ 1-37)  Periodically refresh yourself on Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what it means to be a GWC in denial.

__ 1-38)  Tailor these relationship options to fit your style and situation with wounded kids and adults; and...

__ 1-39)  Edit and add these communication options to fit your situation.

 Recap

        This is the first of eight self-study guides in this nonprofit Break the Cycle! Web site. This guide outlines practical steps to help free your wise true Self and reduce significant false-self wounds. The steps are in four modules:
  • Learn about personality subselves and Grown Wounded Children (GWCs);

  • Assess yourself for psychological ("false self") wounds;

  • Evolve an effective plan to free your true Self and reduce your sounds; and...

  • Learn how to spot and react to other woun-ded people

       The other seven Lessons in this educational Web site all build on this one.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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Updated August 30, 2010