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The prior page outlines how and when false-self wounds occur. The next four
pages outline an effec-tive way to reduce the wounds.
Phase-two Recovery:
Healing
This phase
usually begins with a traumatic
event or a series of events which finally shatter or
weaken life-long protective denials. These
events may include a relationship
ending, bankruptcy, job losses, major
injury, disability, or illness; a death; abortion, "breakdown," and/or a child's
major distress. People in
12-step addiction-management programs call this
hitting bottom, or
"hitting
the wall." Addicts who relapse are said to have hit a "false"
(preliminary, or pseudo) bottom or wall.
There are many
kinds of recovery triggers. Some are sudden and dramatic. Others occur on a
trip, watching a movie, taking a shower, in church or a confrontation, driving to a store,
reading, or in a sleep-less night. I recall one divorced, middle-aged addict
saying "I realized one morning that my life was just... gray, and I
HAD
to change." Approaching or experiencing middle age seems to make hitting the wall
more likely - perhaps from really accepting
the inevitability of limited remaining years and impending death.
Once a
recovering person begins to acknowledge their inner pain and
emptiness to themselves and
others, they often experience a confusing period of searching, mood
swings, and disorientation. Lifelong attitudes and beliefs are no longer valid (e.g.
"My childhood wasn't as fine and 'normal' as I've always thought"),
and new
beliefs aren't clear or solid. This is typical of true core attitude shifts.
Some
early recoverers pull into themselves (isolate) for a
period, others frantically seek companion-ship. Through "chance" (a
conversation, a book or TV program, a sermon...) they come across the idea of
addiction recovery (a
necessary gateway to
full healing), or some version of "Adult
Child"
recovery. Something
"clicks," and they seek more information.
The next
elements of typical second-phase wound-recovery are wonderfully varied. They
can include
combinations of...
A
compulsion to learn -
reading self-help books voraciously
("bibliotherapy"), using audio or video recovery tapes, going to
recovery lectures, talking with others in recovery, asking
fami-ly-history questions of
relatives,
meditating,
journaling
A
growing feeling of "AHA!",
"rightness," or "centeredness" about
cascading new
personal awarenesses, without
being able to identify why; or starting to
their early
nurturance-dep-rivations ("I realized my Mom never said 'I love you,' or
hugged me."), and how those promo-ted GWC personality traits,
beliefs ("I'll never amount to much"), and
behaviors.
Vague or compelling hope for a "better life" blooms.
And/or...
A
gradual thawing of emotional and physical
feelings frozen
for decades, and/or a validation of lifelong "unexplainable"
feelings - usually surges of
deep sadness ("depression"),
guilts,
regrets, and
profound shame.
This thawing can come in a rush or
in
unpredictable swells and spurts, over years. Growing conscious awareness of these legitimate
feelings and their prior repression can evoke intense feelings of anger at parents,
themselves, others, and/or God. Long-repressed grieving of lost childhoods, relationships, and life
opportunities begins;
As these emotions, senses, and awarenesses cascade, amplify, and
billow, typical people in early wound-reduction may start ...
Seeking
and accepting various kinds of
recovery help. These can include combinations of individual and/or group
therapy;
self-help (e.g. 12-step) groups; inpatient addiction-treatment and aftercare
programs;
spiritual communion and guidance; Tai Chi or meditation classes; dance,
massage, or art therapy; retreats and wilderness sojourns;...
All these experiences
add to a growing wholistic
awareness of the original
deprivations, the old coping
behaviors
and their impacts, and a humbling, exciting visions of the person's true
Self and a possible
new truly-authentic lifestyle;
As old denials and repressions continue to dissolve in
this healing phase, people
in true (vs. pseudo) recovery confront a series of difficult
and social
conflicts. To keep healing inev-itably requires changing or replacing
toxic (wound-amplifying)...
-
attitudes and beliefs (e.g. "It's OK for me to
work 65 hours a week," "I can skip breakfast with no
risk," or "There is no real God") with
ones;
-
relationships -
e.g. with other
significantly-wounded
spouses, friends, employers, siblings, and parents; and ...
-
social memberships - e.g. working in a
low-nurturance
organization and/or regularly attending a toxic (low-nurturance)
church,
club, or other group.
| Toxic
means any relationship, activity, thought-system, or setting that
consistently promotes major (a) mixes of personal
shame, guilt, distrust (of self and others), anxiety, confusion,
frustration, pessimism, anger, hopelessness, and
"failure;" and/or (b) unawareness of, distrust in, and
disabling
one's
Restated:
toxic means wholistically self-harmful and
self-neglectful. |
As
typical recoverers uncertainly try
out these scary, exciting changes, the alarmed
and
subselves of other (wounded and unrecovering) people try to manipulate them back into their old ways of believing,
thinking, feeling, and re/acting. True (vs. pseudo) recovery rocks everyone's securities!
Pseudo Recovery
Permanently
reducing false-self dominance and
wounds requires
hitting
true bottom. That promotes converting lifelong beliefs
and rituals into new attitudes,
values, and activities despite inner anxieties and fears -
and often
c/overt social disapprovals. This can result in an
artful compromise: some personality subselves say "We must
change!" Others say "Never!"
To resolve this
impasse, the ruling subselves cleverly compromise by thinking, speaking, and
acting like a recovering person (a superficial change) but
not changing
core toxic attitudes or really trusting
their true Self to lead.
One of my clients in pseudo recovery was a bright, articulate
divorced mother. She said proudly "I've read every self-help book on
codependence, 12-step recovery, spirituality, and toxic relationships
ever prin-ted." She could quote the authors and key ideas at great length,
and spent hours counseling others on healing.
Yet at 40, she was obese,
diabetic, in a codependent relationship with a terribly wounded, never-married
man, stuck in a depleting relationship with her (very wounded) mother,
living in poverty and often on welfare, and enduring the
rejection and social
cutoff of one of her two teen-aged daughters.
She
vehemently
insisted these all had other causes, and that she was in true recovery
from a very low-nurturance childhood. Her artful
subself
at work! Hopefully, aging, health threats, and accum-ulating pain and weariness will
help her hit true bottom, and finally free her Self and Higher Power to lead
toward true recovery. (Note - some years after I wrote this, I
heard this GWC died alone in a wheelchair - apparently without ever
having hit her true bottom.)
Thousands of
12-step "Anonymous" and other
self-help meetings are full of such tormented
people who work to stop toxic compulsions,
and deny they're compensating by using another form of self-medi-cation (e.g.
addiction/s to food, work, tobacco, sexual gratification, Web surfing, shopping, or
gambling).
In AA, addicts in pseudo recovery are called
dry drunks. They've stopped using
alcohol to self-medi-cate, but haven't changed their "stinking thinking" (false-self
attitudes) and related harmful behaviors. Their words and actions don't
match - i.e. they
have elaborate justifications and excuses for not "walking their talk."
Typical
wound-recovery is an organic (vs. linear) process. There are erratic periods of "no
progress" (which are usually nurturing periods of rest and
integration), regression to "the old ways" (reminders); con-fusion
(healthy change);
and doubt and/or aimlessness.
As these accumulate, there is a growing
serene acceptance that
true recovery from inadequate child-hood nurturance is a
ever-evolving spiral of attitude, values, and
behavioral changes -
an increasingly-satis-fying new lifestyle, and a continual becoming.
People who begin to understand personality subselves, wounds, and the need
for recovery can feel
overwhelmed by the apparent complexity and alienness of
these ideas. To offset this, consider: "How do you raise a healthy
child? A day at a time." Personal recovery happens a day at a time by
patiently se-lecting
and working at a series of subgoals like those below.
What follows assumes that you have read...
Overview:
Six
Recovery Goals
Recovery from a dis-integrated personality ruled by a false self
is the
multi-year process of...
-
becoming
aware of six false-self wounds, their
symptoms, and their
and...
-
empowering the
wise, resident true Self to retrain, educate, unify, and harmonize the
other personality subselves, with human and Higher-Powered help.
From this view, here's a bare-bones summary of
typical wound-recovery goals, based on
23 years' personal and professional study and experience.
This experience suggests using
("parts work") is an effective way to achieve these healing goals over time.
Other theorists, self-help authors, and clinicians aren't aware of this way
to heal, and use different recovery strategies.
Use this page to gain an overall sense of the process. Use the next two pages and linked
articles for more detail on reducing each wound.
Note two possible attitudes about
the goal of recovery:
to
reduce (vs. "cure") up to six stressful psychological injuries (glass half empty), or
to gradually convert each wound into it's
opposite - e.g. to convert excessive shame into non-egotistical
self-love, and
excessive
fear into genuine self-confidence and
serenity (glass half full).
Which attitude feels better to you?
Though excessive shame and guilt are treated as one wound here (because they
feel similar), they're caused and reduced differently. The main recovery
goals are broken into common "sub-wounds" to make recovery targets more
manageable. In addition
to the goals outlined below, effective wound-reduction
also requires intentionally learning how to use effective-communication
basics and skills
at the same
time.
Bold links lead to more detail on typical symptoms and recovery goals
of each wound.
|
Psychological Wound |
General
Recovery Goal |
|
1)
False-self dominance. This wound may be described as "unconsciously living from a
false self, and believing it to be "my (true) Self."
It comes from Guardian and young subselves who don't know or trust the true
Self and other Mana-gers to keep them safe from pain and harm. This primal
wound causes the others below. |
Using some form of
inner-family therapy, (a) iden-tify all personality subselves and who leads them,
(b) persuade them to trust and follow the
resident
true Self, and (c) harmonize all
subselves into an effective team, over time.
The end
goal is to live authentically from one's
in all relation-ships and situations.
More detail. |
|
2a) Excessive
shame
-
core feelings of personal worthlessness,
"badness," incompetence, and un-lovability.
These thoughts and
feelings are usually caused by a
subself, and several devoted
who work to soothe and protect this volatile young personality part. |
Patiently meet and introduce the
Shamed Child/-ren to the resident
subself, and see if
the Kids need to be rescued from
the toxic past. Per-suade the
and related
Guardian sub-selves to
reduce (and rephrase) self blame, and reduce or end shaming settings and
relationships.
Experiment with intentionally promoting your feelings, needs,
and opinions to equal, and prais-ing your own achievements as you would other people's. Respectfully
confront and retrain any sub-selves who want to discount self-love and self
ap-preciation.
More
detail.
|
|
2b)
Habitual
self-neglect
- choosing or accep-ting
low-nurturance and/or harm-ful settings, rela-tionships, and activities (e.g.
addiction, little exer-cise, and avoiding medical care)
as normal
and OK (reality distortion) despite harmful or painful re-sults.
This is
often caused by a Shamed Child
("I don't matter; I don't deserve good health, success, or a nurturing
environment"). Another cause may be one or more young or Guardian subselves
over-focusing on immediate gratification ("Ice cream now, exercise later!") |
As shamed subselves learn to trust (a) the
Self's judgment and leadership, and that (b) good things happen from living
by a
Bill of Personal Rights.
their old self-harmful attitudes, values, and choices gradually change to
spontaneous
nurturing
ones.
Increasing true-Self
leadership (Goal 1 above) reduces the personality influence of shamed and
self-indulgent Inner Children
and their diligent Guar-dian subselves over time.
|
|
2c) Excessive
guilts
- intense thoughts and
feel-ings from subselves perceiving that they broke someone's rules - i.e.
should (not)s, ought (not)s, cannots, and must (not)s.
Often excessive guilt
(and shame) comes from tireless
Inner Critic, Perfectionist, Peopler-pleaser, and
Guilty Child subselves. |
Learn to value moderate
guilt. Then authorize
yourself to evolve a Bill of Personal Rights
to help replace outdated life-rules with your own.
As you do, encourage your
subselves to use your
rules to regulate guilts. Intentionally reduce old
guilts via this rule-editing, re-doing,
and for-giveness. Practice using your
Rights and effective-communication
skills to
minimize new
guilts, as you reduce old guilts.
More detail. |
|
3)
Excessive fears
of rejection,
criticism, aban-donment, the unknown, emotional overwhelm, (and thus of intimacy and conflict), success, and
"fail-ure" with confidence and serenity in all situations
Excessive
(vs. moderate, normal) fears are caused by one or more
Scared Children and atten-tive Guardian subselves. |
Patiently grow your Guardian
subselves' trust in your true Self, a nurturing ( vs. judgmental, puni-tive)
Higher Power, and reliable people to
provide enough security over time.
Shift the care of the Scared inner
Child/ren to the empathic
(Good Parent) and
other
subselves. More
detail.
|
|
4)
Significant
trust distortions -
blindly trusting abusive, selfish, or
indifferent others, or distrusting "safe" others. A stressful
variation is reflexive Self-distrust (excessive self doubt). Another
is rejecting or distrusting a loving, responsive Higher Power. A major task
here is converting Guardian
subselves' distrust in the wise true Self to steady faith and re-liance.
|
Identify
which subselves cause this wound (e.g. a well-meaning
Skeptic / Pessimist, Cynic, Conser-vative,
People-pleaser, and/or
Worrier, who guard
Scared,
Shamed, and/or
Lonely Inner
Kids. Then see Goal 3 above. Trusting wisely improves as subselves
learn to trust your true Self (Goal 1).
More detail. |
|
Psychological Wound |
General
Recovery Goal |
|
5a)
Significant
reality distortions. False
selves
protectively see things
that aren't there (i.e. illu-sions, delusions, idealizations, exaggerations, and projections), and/or don't see or
experience things that are there (via denials, repressions,
"forget-ting," and minimizing). |
Identify which Guardian
subselves cause this wound (e.g. a well-meaning
magician, Idealist / Op-timist, Saboteur, and/or
Catastrophizer, and
which Inner Kids each of them
is protecting. As the Kids are cared for by the Nurturer,
and Guardians trust the
to lead (Goal 1), distortions are re-placed by perceiving things as they
really are. |
|
5b)
Protective
"amnesias." Typical
Grown Woun-ded Children "can't remember" key
childhood peo-ple, places, events (e.g. birthdays, holidays, dinner times, vacations,
traumas, and losses), or exten-ded time
periods.
This usually occurs because one or more Guar-dians
fear that remembering will cause (a) emo-tional overwhelm to an Inner Child,
and/or (b) the loss of protective illusions - e.g. breaking denials. These
are both symptoms of distrusting the Self and other Manager subselves to
keep Inner Kids safe. |
Assess for
the existence of a
Blocker subself whose function is to repress key childhood recall. Alternatively,
identify the subself who oversees long-term memory. Over time, work
with them to safely access key images and associated feelings.
Remembering
early traumas often happens unexpectedly and spontaneously as recovery
evolves.
Option: ask other family members what they re-member about common
key events, people, and situations. They may be blocked (wounded) also. |
|
6a)
Emotional "numbing" ("I don't
know what I feel...") or
intense surges of anger, frustration, fear, shame, guilt, or confusion. The former
is caused by a
Lost Child
and/or an
Anesthetist,
subself
who protects
Inner Kids from intense
discomfort.
The latter is caused by a
Rageful Child
or
War-rior / Amazon
overpowering
dominant
subselves. Numbing +
unawareness promote incomplete grief. That
promotes significant secondary problems like addictions and obesity.
|
Using some form of
establish
trust and communication with the
Anesthetist or equiv-alent. Learn which Inner Kids s/he guards, and
connect them with the Nurturer (Loving Parent) to help the Anesthetist relax.
Teach all subselves the names
of normal emo-tions, and practice full breathing and naming cur-rent feelings
("What am I feeling now?")
Help all subselves see and experience that
all
emotions are helpful (vs. good or bad),
because they
indicate current needs to fill. Eventually
reas-sign the Anesthetist to a
new internal role. |
|
6b)
Difficulty
bonding and loving -
i.e. forming true emotional-spiritual
attachments to ideals, living things, a benign
Higher Power and to one's self. Key symptoms
are isolation or (some)
divor-ces, affairs, and pretending to bond - i.e. pseudo intimacy, mutuality (caring), and love.
This
tragic wound seems to result from all five false-self wounds above interacting.
It is prevalent enough to merit psychiatric diagnosis (Reactive Attachment Disorder), and at least one national support
organization: ATTACh. Our society seems
to be in widespread denial of this tragic wound. |
As subselves' true-Self trust
and inner-family har-mony increase over time and these wounds above subside,
the goal here is to take safe risks in being vulnerable to caring
about, and accepting care from, selected (safe) other people and living
things.
Often gentle
inner-family therapy
discloses a reactive Lost Child
who is terrified and
distrustful of caring because of searing real-life childhood sha-mings and abandonments.
Recovery aims to bring true validation, comfort, security, and relief to
this and related subselves. Doing so increases the abil-ity to feel, give,
and receive genuine love. More
detail. |
|
6c)
Relentless senses of
emptiness and
alien-ation from one's Self, other
people, society, and from a consistently benign, reliable, accessible
Higher Power.
This is really a symptom of all six false-self wounds, specially 6a). Some
moderately-wounded people can bond selectively - e.g. to animals,
plants,
and/or some people.
A
widespread symptom of these wounds is having no sense of true life purpose -
or - driving toward goals that later seem trivial and meaning-less in
later life. |
Grow
genuine self-worth,
self-purpose, self-iden-tity, realistic, stable me/you boundaries and
em-pathy and safety with other people and living things.
Inner-family therapy
goals are to identify, vali-date, and soothe Inner Kids who fear to
bond, and gradually have them trust the true Self, inner Nur-turer/s and
other subselves, and then extend that to (healthy) other people, over time.
A natural part of
wound-reduction is a growing faith in a benign, responsive Higher power -
and feeling "I am never alone!" Another result is clarity on, and
dedication to, your life's true purpose. |
Typically, these
recovery goals
are organic and concurrent, not sequential. True (vs.
pseudo) recovery yields progress toward these goals in fits and starts. Some people
prefer a structured recovery plan ("I'm working on reducing my shame and
increasing self-love, this month"). Others evolve an organic healing
process
without explicit goals.
Though the latter takes longer (I think), the
end results are the same: a calmer, clearer, more aware, focused, spiritual, and
productive daily life based on living authentically from one's true Self. This
promotes increasing clarity on,
and acceptance of, your strengths, limits, and life purpose.
Pause, breathe, and notice your
now. Recall why you began
reading this article. Do you sense your Self is
your personality
now? If not,
who is?
 For more detail on these recovery goals
and what to expect as recovery proceeds, see the next
two
pages. For summaries of seven recovery themes, symptoms (benefits) of true
recovery, and the types of
recovery help, see page 5.
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Updated
February 13, 2010
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