Lesson 1 of 8  - free your true Self and reduce false-self wounds

Empower Your True Self - p. 1 of 2

The KEY to Personal Recovery

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
 

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/free_self.htm

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        This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 1 in this Web site - (a) free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and (b) reduce significant false-self wounds. The primary wound is having your personality dominated by a ''false self'' composed of several well-meaning, dis-organized sub-selves or parts. The article summarizes options for empowering your wise resident true Self (capi-tal "S").

  Contents

        This article assumes you're familiar with...


  Perspective

        The content of this Web site is based on 30 years' clinical research and experience. A core con-clusion from this research is that normal human personalities are composed of talented "subselves," like the members of an orchestra or sports team. These subselves are probably discrete regions of our brains programmed by genes and experience to perform specialized survival functions for us.

        A universal subself is an inherently talented leader - our true Self. When s/he steadily guides and coordinates other subselves, people report feelings like these. When subselves distrust and disable this wise leader, they form a "false self," and cause behaviors like these.

        Our wounded, unaware culture does not accept the ancient idea of normal personality subselves yet, though evidence of them is everywhere. If you're skeptical or curious about normal subselves, read this letter to you. Then experience a safe, interesting dialog with one or more of your subselves, and return here.

        Note - the verb "empowering" is used here to avoid confusion with the term enabling. I write this series after hitting my personal in 1986, and working at my own true-Self empowerment since then.

  Status Check

        To benefit from this article and series, you need some key beliefs and knowledge. Check yourself for these by rating each of the following as T(rue), F(alse), or ? ("I don't know," "I'm not sure," or "It de-pends" (on what?).

  • I accept that normal personalities are composed of a group of semi-independent subselves or "parts."  (T  F ?)  Perspective - ~80% of site visitors who respond to a poll on this say they ac-cept subselves "without question."

  • I accept that one of my subselves is a wise, far-seeing leader who knows how to guide my other subselves effectively and make healthy decisions in all situations.  (T  F  ?)

  • I believe that some well-intentioned subselves haven't learned to trust the leadership of my Self (capital "S"), and disable her/him at times, causing unwise decisions and behaviors. (T  F  ?)

  • I accept that being dominated by a false self can cause up to five specific psychological ''wounds,'' and I can name and describe each of them now.  (T  F  ?)

  • I have assessed myself honestly for false-self wounds, or I'm motivated to do so in the next week  (T  F  ?)

  • I am a normal Grown Wounded Child (GWC), and I know what that means.  (T  F  ?)

  • I can clearly describe the difference between pseudo recovery and true recovery (wound reduction). (T  F  ?)

  • I have a general idea of what "parts work" is and I'm learning how to do it.  (T  F  ?)

  • I can name the general benefits of empowering my true Self to guide my personality.  (T  F  ?) 

  • I rank empowering my true Self among my top five life priorities now.  (T  F  ?)

  • I can describe (a) the [wounds + unawareness] cycle to an average teenager now, and (b) the key steps to breaking the cycle.  (T  F  ?)

  • My true Self is responding to this status check now.  (T  F  ?)  If not, your responses may be distorted.

        Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings now. If you answered True to most of these items, then you have the basic belief-set needed to empower your resident true Self to guide you. If not, a well-intentioned, distrustful false self may be trying to protect you against scary changes, and you haven't acquired all the ...

  Requisites for Empowering Your True Self

        Reducing false-self dominance and wounds is a major lifestyle change. It's a process that evolves over many months, and varies for each person. True (permanent, vs. pseudo, or temporary) recovery de-pends on key requisites like these:

        Hit true (vs. pseudo) bottom and/or experience an epiphany, and commit to change.  As a veteran family-systems therapist, I have heard many stories about how people decided to empow-er their true Self. Tho every story is unique, most people seem to have one or both of these events trig-ger their commitment to personal recovery. Without them, wounded people seem to have pseudo (tem-porary) recoveries, and eventually resume their old ways.

        Hitting bottom results from an accumulation of pain and weariness over many years, similar to the binge > remorse cycles of typical addicts. It cannot be planned or forecast, and seems to usually hap-pen in middle age - late 30s to early fifties. Sometimes it takes a divorce, an accident, a major illness, bankruptcy, jail, a job loss, or a death to jar people into breaking life-long denials and admitting the truth about the past and probable future impacts of their wounds,

         In this context, an epiphany is suddenly recognizing the reasons for life-long pain, confusion, and loss - i.e. realizing for the first time that you came from a low-nurturance childhood and wounded an-cestors, and have been dominated by a false self for much of your life. The stunning impact of this re-alization is like  a blind person being able to see for the first time. A related motivator for recovery is en-lightened parents who vow not to pass the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle on to their vulnerable kids and grandkids.   

          Adopt a patient, long-range viewpoint. People in genuine wound-recovery accept that their healing is a multi-year process. Freeing your Self permanently takes experimenting with intentional changes of attitude and behavior, learning from the results, and gradually changing your lifestyle.

        Another requisite for empowering your true Self over time is to want to...

          Take full responsibility for the quality of your life, health, and relationships. Before committing to free their Self, many Grown Wounded Children play "Victim" They blame their parents, "fate," siblings, the government, religion, employers, or other people for the pain in their lives. Other GWCs may moan "I can't help (my toxic behavior)." These attitudes always indicate false-self domi-nance. While most of us need help along the way, we are ultimately responsible for our own recovery.

          With professional help, assess yourself for addictions. Typical addictions are false-self strategies to self-medicate against major inner pain. You need to fully experience your pain to hit true bottom, and to attain clear awareness and thinking.

        Most veteran recovery guides say that you must be "sober" (free of addictive thinking, behaviors, and relationships) for at least a year before attempting wound-reduction. Ignoring or postponing this is a sign of false-self dominance and pseudo (trial) recovery.

          Learn accurate answers to questions like these:

  • What are personality subselves, and why should I learn about them?

  • What are common traits of my subselves?

  • Who are my personality subselves, and who usually leads them in calm and stressful times?

  • How has false-self dominance affected my life, family, relationships, health, and work?

  • What do I need, and what do I have to do to empower my true Self ("recover")?

  • How can I recognize and avoid pseudo recovery?

  • What do I need to learn to permanently reduce my false-self wounds and protect my descen-dents?

  • How can I recognize a toxic relationship, and what are my options when I do?

  • How has my false self contributed to the mistakes and painful relationships in my life?

  • What can I do to improve my relationships and my communication-effectiveness?

  • What kind of recovery help do I need, and how can I find it? 

  • How can I tell if my recovery is "working"? and...

  • How can I identify and relate to unaware, wounded adults and kids?

  • What is my moral responsibility to them and our wounded, unaware society?

        Research these and related questions by studying and applying Lesson 1 here.

         Break protective denials.  A common false-self symptom is major reality distortions like de-nial - believing that something real is not real, or vice versa (e.g. "The earth is FLAT, I tell you!"). To empower your Self, you'll need to fully accept some difficult realities like these:

  • I was raised in a low-nurturance family by wounded, unaware (vs. "bad") adults.

  • My personality is composed of a group of semi-independent subselves and I am normal, not crazy;

  • I have been ruled by a well-meaning false self for much of my life, which has caused significant pain to me and other people;

  • I am not responsible for my wounds or their impacts so far. I AM responsible for empowering my true Self (reducing false-self wounds) now - and from now on, I AM responsible for the impact of my wounds on myself and other people;

  • I can't recover alone - I need to accept the influence of a (or the) benign Higher Power in my life;

  • To recover, I'll probably have to change some cherished beliefs, habits, and relationships.

  • I need to depend on the reliability of the "still small voice" within me (my conscience) to guide my decisions - even if they're scary or unpleasant.

  • I need to intentionally rebalance seeking immediate gratification vs. long-term satisfaction.

  • My mate/s and I may have transmitted significant wounds to our kids, tho we never intended to;

  • I need to stop distracting myself with _______ (e.g. chemicals, TV, work, sex, money, religion, bigotry, my hobby, etc) and intentionally increase my awareness.

  • Add other realities unique to your personality and situation

Paradox - you must break denials like these to recover, and you'll need some recovery progress before you can break them. The more you progress, the easier it gets.

          Assess yourself honestly for false-self wounds. Doing so (a) validates your need to commit to personal recovery, and (b) gives you specific recovery targets to work toward and a framework for doing so. In the 23 years I've been studying wound-recovery and working my at own, I've never found  anyone else who proposes this healing framework for "adult children of dysfunctional parents."

        Family Lesson 1 in this Web site provides perspective and 12 self-assessment checklists to help you make an accurate evaluation. 

          Change habitual self-neglect to genuine self love. Many (most?) Grown Wounded Chil-dren (GWCs) learned to believe early that they were worthless, unlovable, and undeserving. This mani-fests as the tragic wound of excessive shame. A common symptom of this wound in our culture is epi-demic self-neglect - ignoring healthy diets, rest, exercise, and preventive medical checkups.

        Replacing self-neglect and self-abuse with genuine self-appreciation and love is a natural result of true recovery progress. The empowerment-requisite here is to...

  • recognize the toxic effects of self neglect without guilt or shame, and...

  • intentionally choose an attitude like "I deserve to care for myself as much as I care for other important people in my life."

This encourages "promoting yourself to equal," living authentically from a Bill of Personal Rights, and learning to assert your needs, perceptions, and opinions calmly, without guilt or anxiety.

          Intentionally seek to expand your daily awareness. Most adults have never been encour-aged to be aware of (a) themselves, (b) other people, (c) their social behavior, and (d) the environment around them. Many Westerners are used to being distracted by ceaseless stimulation (TV, phones, PCs, Ipods, media, etc.)

        Personal awareness is essential for effective wound-recovery and internal and social communica-tion. Specifically, you'll need to hone your awareness of who is leading your subselves - your true Self, or ''someone else.'' You'll also need to become aware of who's guiding important other peoples' person-alities. Can you do either of these now? If not, you can learn to do so. See this and this for perspec-tive and options.

          Develop faith in, and communion with, a benign Higher Power.

         Most veteran recoverers acknowledge the value of a genuine faith in God, as they perceive God. One value of such faith is to believe that we are not alone in our personal struggle, and that there is an wise, attentive Power to whom we can turn over problems that are too complex or stressful for us to handle on our own. A third benefit is that people of faith can find hope for relief in intolerable situations

        As children, some wounded people were taught to fear a vengeful, jealous, critical God. In true recovery, they need to revise that belief and accept that they do not have to "perform" to merit God's Grace. Other people have to change a dread of "eternal damnation" if a punitive God decided they were willful "sinners." Such childhood teachings promote the wounds of excessive fear, shame, and guilt, and need to be replaced with healthier beliefs.

        Some pious people accept the reality of a Higher Power, but don't seek actively to develop a two-way communion with their Supreme Being. Prayer is one-way (asking for God's help and support) or two-way (listening for God's responses and advice). Developing two-way communion requires aware-ness and self-permission to reduce distractions, meditate, and be still.

        Two of many resources available to attain this requisite are these modified 12 steps, and this brief Interview with God. 

          Value and use informed help. Many GWCs had to "grow up early" and be self-sufficient as young kids. Others of us had to care for younger siblings, while no-one cared for us. We also learned that asking for - or accepting - help often brought pain (like scorn, rejection, and manipulation). Still others learned to expect that help from a judgmental God was granted only if we were humble, obedi-ent, and pious.

        So the first part of this requisite is adopting new attitudes that...

  • "I don't have to do it all myself,"

  • asking for help is not "weak" or "a crutch," and that...

  • other people enjoy helping (feeling useful and good) where they can, so accepting help is a gift to the helper.

        We also need to believe that spiritual help is available and given freely with love, not stern condi-tions. We need to accept that our wounded, unaware parents meant well, but were mistaken (uninfor-med) about many things they taught and modeled for us kids.

        Then you need to learn how to choose informed help - i.e. knowledgeable, empathic support from persons, media, programs, and groups who understand true and false selves and true wound-reduction.

        Recall - we're reviewing requisites for empowering your true Self to guide your other subselves. Another is...

          Let go of toxic (wound-promoting) relationships and habits. Try saying your definition of a "toxic relationship" out loud now. Are some of your relationships "toxic" (stressful an unhealthy)? Of-ten, people dominated by a false self gravitate to other GWCs. That often means their relationships cause more stress (conflict, hurt, disappointment, frustration, doubt, anxiety, and anger) than serenity and satisfac-tion. Average GWCs are used to this from our early family relationships, so we often just endure the stress.

        The requisite here is to...

  • use your awareness (above) to decide which relationships are nurturing and which are toxic - and then to...

  • intentionally limit or end the latter without guilt if the other person/s won't compromise their be-havior or join you in recovery. Do this with or without an explanation. If you choose to explain, you can say something like this:

"(Name), I often feel stressed (hurt / frustrated / confused / bored / disre-spected / belittled / unheard / ignored / disappointed / anxious / etc.) in our relationship, so I'm choosing to cut back on contact with you. I've tried to tell you what I need from you, but you haven't been able to honor my needs."

        Be prepared for (false self) "resistance" like denials, blame, complaints, whining, threats, crying, guilt trips, rage, and so on. Respond calmly with a mutual-respect atti-tude and empathic listening. Then repeat your statement (above) calmly, with comfortable eye contact,

Option - ask the other person for a hearing check to confirm s/he understands what you are doing and why. Avoid lengthy explanations and bringing up blameful examples, which can quickly become lose-lose arguments and dilute your assertion.

  • you may have to persuade your People Pleaser and Guilty Child and/or some critical people that you have legitimate human rights, and don't have to endure unpleasant or harmful behavior from other people! 

  • Follow up. Make good on any change that you committed to, despite attempts to sabotage your resolve. Inability to follow up usually indicates a false self has taken you over.

        Part of gaining this requisite is confronting people who don't understand or respect what you're trying to do (empower our Self), and who criticize you for reducing or ending toxic relationships - spe-cially with wounded, unaware parents, grandparents, and other relatives.

          Evolve a high-priority recovery plan, and commit to it. A plan has specific goals, steps to reach the goals, a timetable, key resources, and perhaps contingency steps ("Plan B"). Because Self-empowerment is a challenge for most GWCs, a thoughtful, flexible plan based on thoro prepara-tion (these requisites) and accurate knowledge, is vital for your eventual success.

        There are many ways to free your true Self to lead in calm and stressful situations. The steps on the next page illustrate some key options in making your plan.

        Pause, breathe, and reflect. How do you feel about these requisites to empower your true Self to guide your life decisions? View each of these requisites as a separate goal, and take your time! Feel free to edit these requisites to fit your personality and situation. If you try empowerment without inves-ting patiently in these requisites, you risk achieving only pseudo (temporary) wound-reduction.

Continue with options for empowering your Self.

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Updated August 30, 2010