What happens to
early shame as we grow?
As we develop our knowledge and vocabulary, our evolving
personality subselves generate constant
"inner voices" or thought streams. Most (all?) of us who were neglected
and shamed too often in our early years automatically develop an "inner
voice" which can be called our
Inner Critic, Critical
or Mean Parent, or Shamer.
When our original shamers aren't around, this well-intentioned subself diligently carries on their
work. S/He fills our heads with harsh criticisms and
comments like "Your socks don't match (you're so stupid)," and
"How could you possibly forget Alex's birthday?" A common companion
"voice" comes from our
Perfectionist
subself.
S/He relentlessly lets us know
of our endless (shameful) failures. Do you have these inner voices?
Some young kids also evolve a judgmental
Preacher/Moralizer
subself. It ceaselessly augments the Critic by pronouncing rigid
right/wrong, good/bad
judgments about us and other people. These tireless subselves also nourish
the impressionable
in us.
They
mean well, just as your shaming, blaming (wounded, overwhelmed)
caregivers (and their ancestors) did.
Shame has been called wryly "the gift that goes on giving," because
shamed-based (wounded) parents often unintentionally pass it on to their kids. Overly-shamed kids and
adults can feel ashamed of their shame, and other wounds.
How does shame relate to humiliation and
embarrassment?
Shameful thoughts and feelings are a private experience. We feel
embarrassed when our shameful traits and behaviors are
exposed publicly - specially to people who's admiration, acceptance, and respect matters most to us. Our critical
subselves can embarrass us, and/or other people may ridicule and humiliate us
publically if
we're not clear on our personal identity and human
rights.
A universal "shame
gauntlet" kids must navigate is the merciless criticisms of middle-school
and high school classmates (and some adults) - specially as puberty and
early sexuality lends angst and exciting confusion to our journey toward
young adulthood.
When does normal (healthy) shame become
excessive?
All emotions range from
faint to extreme - e.g.
"unease" to panic, and annoyance (irritation) to rage.
Moderate
(normal) shame is helpful - it alerts us to adjust our
attitudes and behaviors to avoid significant
discomforts.
For example, feeling "I'm ashamed
(and guilty) because I'm often late to school or work," can motivate
learning why and
how to be more prompt. When normal shame is balanced by a steady, positive self-perception, it does not seriously degrade our overall self-respect or
relationships or cause "too many" of the symptoms
on page 2.
Note that you can feel "global" self respect ("I'm a good person..."),
and still feel "local" shame and guilts about one or more
social roles
(responsibilities) - e.g. "...but I'm ashamed and guilty that I'm not a better
parent / sibling / neighbor / spouse / Baptist / citizen / bus driver /
pianist / tennis player / voter...").
Well-intentioned false selves will try to
distort reality to protect
against the pain of admitting excessive shame. If your
resident
is
free to guide
your other subselves,
s/he will
(a)
admit shame with-out undue guilt or self-scorn, and (b) evolve an effective plan to
reduce it and other significant
psychological wounds
over time.
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Healthy shame becomes excessive when it chronically
inhibits our
relationships, productivity, hopes, dreams, integrity, and
enjoyment of ourselves and our life. That can manifest in
many ways, including self-disgust, self-hatred, self-abuse,
and self-mutilation.
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How does excessive shame relate to
pride and humility?
Were you taught that pride is a "sin" and/or a sign of self-centeredness,
a swelled head, and/or egotism? Typical shame-based survivors of
childhood neglect are often taught shaming beliefs like these.
Premise: healthy pride is a feeling of
non-egotistical approval,
respect, admiration, and appreciation for a person's or a group's traits,
talents, goals, and achievements. Excessive pride ("I am / we
are / they
are / better than others") is called egotism, elitism, racism,
prejudice, and/or
bigotry. These
always foster hurt, resentment, antagonism, conflict, anxiety,
distrust, and low-nurturance relationships and families.
Humility is minimizing your personal traits, talents,
assets, status, and achievements. It can range from healthy ("I see me or us
as being of equal dignity and worth to other persons") to toxic
("I/we are inferior to other persons or groups, and don't merit
special praise or rewards.") Humility can be genuine or
pretended, and moderate to excessive.
When denied and/or justified ("It's God's commandment"),
excessive humility
promotes...
-
self abuse and self neglect,
-
excessive personal and/or group shame, and...
-
psychological wounding in minor kids.
What were you
taught about "being humble" as a child? What are you teaching your kids
about it? (e.g. "Don't brag!") See this for perspective on the
pervasive Christian value of excessive humility and the "sin" of
personal pride (superiority).
Recall - we're exploring aspects of the common psychological wound of
excessive shame.
How does excessive shame relate to
submission and assertion?
Sometimes submitting (giving in) to others' needs, values, and opinions promotes
social harmony and cooperation. Compulsive and/or fear-based
submission suggests significant false-self wounding. Typical
of
low-nurturance childhoods often
unconsciously feel inferior, so they don't deserve or expect social
respect, fairness, or equal consideration with others' needs and opinions.
Assertion is the vital
relationship skill of knowing how and when to declare your needs, opinions,
and limits. As kids, average Grown
Nurtured Children (GNCs) are taught to
respect their own rights, values, and needs as much as other people's, and to assert them with confidence.
Typical Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are
not taught this, and may submit or assert with ambivalence, guilt, and anxiety.
They grow used to enduring the uncomfortable results of sending chronic
"I'm 1-down"
(inferior) messages to other people, and not filling their needs.
Intentionally
your true Self and reducing excessive shame and guilts over time causes genuine self-respect,
"promoting yourself to equal," and calm, firm, respectful assertions.
How does excessive shame relate to
addictions?
Premise - any true addiction
(toxic compulsion) is...
-
a sure sign of a low-nurturance
(dysfunctional)
family;
-
a reliable sign of
significant
personal
inner pain
and psychological wounds, and...
-
a desperate strategy by protective
to self-medicate (reduce,
numb, distract from) that pain - despite toxic results. True addictions always
provide this local relief - and relentlessly increase the inner pain that promotes
them.
Believing "I am worthless, bad, and
unlovable!" and its social results are painful!
So excessive shame
and guilts and other major factors (like a
low-nurturance environment) promote addictions (self-medication) and are
amplified by them over time.
That's why true addictions are progressive, despite painful
consequences.
The self-destructive pain > addiction > more pain spiral continues
until the person dies prematurely or hits true bottom
and commits to true addiction recovery - i.e. to finding another way
to reduce their inner pain.
Stable
addiction recovery ("sobriety") is required for effective wound-reduction
and empowering the resident true Self to guide and harmonize the other
personality subselves.
See this series of articles for
more perspective on addictions and maintaining true sobriety.
How does excessive shame relate to
psychological wound reduction?
Premise - growing up in a low-nurturance childhood family promotes a
fragmented personality, which causes up to six significant psychological
wounds. One wound is excessive shame and guilt.
in this nonprofit
Web site focuses on identifying and reducing
these wounds. This article is an outline of how to (a) convert excessive shame
to normal, and to (b) promote genuine self respect and self love.
Most people who hit true bottom and commit to personal
wound-reduction ("recovery") will have to break long-held protective
denials to admit and reduce excessive shame and guilts. These wounds are
usually
caused by a powerful, reactive Shamed Child, a Guilty Child,
perhaps other
and their tireless narrowly-focused
subselves.
Subselves' core belief that "I'm not worthy or lovable" can block other
subselves' seeking wound-recovery, and/or sabotage their efforts to empower the wise resident
This is specially likely when
fearful,
distrustful subselves perceive wound-recovery as unneeded, unsafe, hopeless,
and/or "too hard."
Because shame is so painful and has been disguised and denied for
decades, establishing a trusting relationship between Self and a resident
Shamed Child (and similar subselves) is often the last step in harmonizing
personality subselves. It typically takes great patience, sensitivity, and
compassion to accomplish in the host person and any professional recovery
guide and supporters. This is most likely if the recovering person
intentionally chooses a support network of people led by their true Selves.
What's the opposite of excessive shame?
It is non-egotistical
and self-nurturance
(vs. self neglect). These come from key attitudes steadily
held by your governing subselves in most or all situations and
relationships.
A key attitude is some version of
this...
"I am a good, valuable, useful,
lovable child / adult / person
no matter what anyone else says or implies. I have talents
to develop
(and
non-shameful limitations) which empower me to bring unique value and
worth
to other living things and our world."
Another set empowering attitudes and beliefs is in an authentic
Bill of Personal Rights like
this.
Excessive
shame and guilt (a) powerfully affect all life experiences, expectations, and
relationships, and (b) amplify all other
psychological wounds.
Recovery authority John Bradshaw calls toxic
shame "the gift that goes on giving," referring to parents' unintentionally
their own
inherited ancestral shame to their kids.
Without hitting bottom
and patient wound-recovery,
they're at major risk of growing up and doing the same. Has that invisible bequest affected anyone you know?
For more perspective, see this succinct review of the power of positive self esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden. I also recommend Bradshaw's practical book
Healing
the Shame That Binds You.
+ + +
Continue with typical symptoms of
excessive shame and a summary of typical shame-conversion options. Do you need a break first?
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/shame.htm