The Web
address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/addicted_kid.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6
- learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs
effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. The range and
scope of major social problems suggests that U.S. parents are failing at
this. Successfully implementing the
con-cepts in this Lesson depend on your integrating and practicing the ideas
in the prior five lessons.
This two-page article is written to family adults and concerned supporters
who worry about a minor child's probable addiction, and how that may be
affecting their family. If you're concerned about an addic-ted child,
picture him or her as you read...
The article
offers...
This
article assumes your familiar with...
Other articles in this series describe options for managing
your own addiction, and adapting to an addicted
mate,
ex mate, or
relative. There are many
hyperlinks in this article. To optimize your focusing and learning, you may
want to ignore the links first, and then go back and follow any of interest
after you finish reading.
Why Does This Article Exist?
Widespread addiction in adults and kids is a tragic, costly American scourge
The
all have the same cause and serve the same purpose.
True addictions always
indicate and pro-mote serious family
and stress.
|
This article introduces a complex subject. I hope it will
motivate you to learn more about (a) addictions and (b) breaking
and
preventing the silent [wounds
+ ignorance]
that may be affec-ting you, your family and its descendents, and
other people you care about.
|
To
lay a foundation for the assessment and action options below, see if you
agree with these...
Basic Concepts
A habit is a sequence of thoughts and actions that can be
intentionally changed, like learning to chew with your mouth closed.
A compulsion is an uncontrollable repeating sequence of thoughts
and behaviors that yields some predictable emotional and/or physical
results.
"Uncontrollable" means that reasoning (logic), willpower, and resulting pain
will not stop the se-quence. All addictions are compulsions, but not
all compulsions are addictions - e.g. uncontrollable hand-washing,
house-cleaning, perseverating, or nail-biting.
True (vs. pseudo) addiction to substances, activities, relationships,
and/or mood states is a sure symptom of...
-
a significantly
family and ancestry;
-
chronic major inner pain - i.e. [hurts + guilts + shame ("low
self-esteem") + anger + confusion + anxiety (fear) + sadness + despair
(hopelessness) + frustrations];
-
significant
dominance and related (psychological)
and...
-
personal, family, and societal
Why do Kids Become Addicted?
Pre-teens and teens in all socio-economic settings (like your family)
may become addicted be-cause of a mix of powerful factors like these...
-
our society allows couples to
conceive children without validating that
they're ready to nurture young kids
effectively; so...
-
some
caregivers are unable to form healthy
with some or all other people - even their own children. Even if they
can bond...
-
typical wounded, unaware, over-busy
caregivers give minor kids inadequate supervision and nur-turance (i.e.
they
them and their developmental needs), causing
kids significant
One result is...
-
typical
kids and teens don't know how to
(a)
their developmental and special
needs and (b) ask for adult help in filling them in healthy ways.
This is specially true for children in troubled,
and foster families; and...
-
drugs (including sugar, carbohydrates, and fats) reliably change
brain/body chemistry and reduce inner pain; and...
-
acquired cellular craving for some drugs
like nicotine, alcohol, and some street drugs can turn experimental and
recreational use into a compulsive dependence; and...
-
normal kids impulsively seek adventure,
excitement, and peer acceptance and approval; and...
-
many kids get too little factual information
about addiction and its effects; and...
-
pandemic global demand for addictive
chemicals in kids and wounded adults makes providing them highly
profitable, despite legal and social sanctions.
Without (a) family (vs. personal)
awareness of these things and (b) true (vs. pseudo) adult
from psychological wounds and any addictions, these factors relentlessly
the
generations and are spreading in our society.
Addictions can be
controlled, vs. cured, once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and choo-ses to learn healthier ways of admitting and managing their
pain and reducing the inner wounds and un-awareness that cause it.
Until choosing true recovery, typical childhood-neglect survivors
unconsciously choose other psychologically-wounded people as mates
and associates over and over again, despite painful results. So if a child
has one wounded parent, s/he probably has two.
I
offer these premises from almost 30 years of professional clinical research
and experience. If you're undecided on or dispute any of them, this article
will probably be of limited or no practical use to you. Recall that we're
laying the foundation for an array of action-options if you have one or more
addic-ted kids in your family.
What do these realities mean to you and your family?
Implications
Together, these premises suggest some unpleasant possibilities about you and
your ancestors and current family. Ignoring, discounting, or rationalizing
these realities suggests you and/or other family adults (a) are
ruled by a protective
and have not hit
yet; and (b) you are
of some vital realities.
If
you're concerned about the possible addiction of one of your family's young
people (or adults), imagine calling
all your family adults together and discussing these implications:
-
One or more of us adults is a Grown Wounded
Child, and needs to want to admit and reduce sig-nificant
false-self dominance and wounds.
-
As long as we ignore or defer doing that, we
all risk maintaining a low-nurturance family, and psy-chological wounds
and addictions among us all - including our vulnerable children.
-
Addiction is a family problem. If we focus only on trying
to get (the child) to manage her (his) ad-diction, we're avoiding our
underlying problems. This is like painting a house infested
with termites.
-
All of us adults bear equal responsibility
for assessing our
and
reducing any we find. This is not about
blame or failure, it's about discovery, recovery, and
protecting our living and unborn
descendents from inheriting the effects of the [wounds + ignorance]
-
Our living and unborn children depend on us
to accept these realities and take responsible action to guard (nurture)
them. They cannot say this to us.
How would your family adults feel and react
to these implications? What reaction would your addicted child benefit the
most from?
Who's Responsible for Addictions?
Our society expects healthy adults to (a) be responsible (accountable)
for their actions, and (b) take adequate
of themselves and dependent children. Society also decrees that before minor
kids "leave the nest," they're not fully responsibility for some actions,
and cannot nurture themselves adequately without competent adult help.
One implication of this is that we (society) hold addicted adults
responsible for their choices and actions, but are conflicted about who's
responsible for (a) addicted children's behaviors, and (b) helping them to
recover.
An
implacable reality is that most addicted adults and kids
cannot control their toxic compulsions until they hit true
regardless of what society and family members expect and demand. Other
realities are...
So a fundamental difference in
adapting to addicted kids vs. adults is in choosing whom to confront.
The most powerful, caring way to help an adult addict is to hold a
well-planned family
intervention. It is
based on compassionately forcing the addicted adult to hit bottom and
take responsibility for their ac-tions and self care.
Similar interventions with addicted kids are much less likely to help them
hit bottom because their family (i.e. wounded, ignorant caregivers)
usually causes their inner pain - and kids are not
responsible for that. Notice your thoughts and feelings now...
Restated: the best caring response to an adult's addiction
(self-medication) is an intervention focused on the adult.
The most effective response to an
addicted child is...
-
an
intervention focused on his or her wounded caregivers, and...
-
the caregivers wanting to provide
appropriate (a) limits and consequences for the child's behaviors, and
(b) appropriate education and therapy to help the child learn better
ways of managing their pain, while...
-
caregivers (c) take responsibility for
reducing their own respective wounds, pain, and unawareness and
raising the
of their home and family.
How does this proposal compare with what you believed before reading this
article? What would your other family adults and supporters - including
clergy and other family professionals - say about what you just read?
|
The rest of this article is based on the idea that a child or teen
is not responsible for admitting and choosing to reduce their
addiction - their caregivers
are responsible for improving the conditions that
cause the child's need to self-medicate inner
pain. Society is (we all
are) responsible for admit-ting and reducing the causes of
addictions and false-self wounds that caregivers cannot control. |
Note - this does not mean family adults should not set and enforce caring
limits with an addicted child's behaviors while they reduce their own wounds
and unawareness!
Based on the fundamentals above and these,
what practical options do you have if a family child or teen seems to be
addicted?
Action Options
What follows is a skeleton outline, not a comprehensive review or cookbook
plan. Some options apply to all kids, and some depend on whose child it is
- i.e. depends on your and the child's family roles.
Universal
Options
Regardless of whether you're concerned about a biochild, stepchild, adopted
child, or foster child, your best odds to fill your needs depend on
preparing well. Check (a) yourself; (b) your primary relation-ship, if any;
and (c) your family for several factors.
1)
Check your child's bioparents
and biograndparents, and any other significant caregivers, for...
-
false-self
and
addiction,
including
codependence. If you ignore,
minimize, or defer this, this article will probably be of little
practical use to you.
-
check your
knowledge. Get undistracted, and reflect honestly on these
statements. T
= true; F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends
on (what?)"
I can describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I
accept that personality subselves are normal and
real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't, read this
letter to you, and try this interesting, safe
exercise.
I can _ clearly explain the
difference between a low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at least 10 typical
traits of the latter. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T
F ?)
I can clearly define what an
addiction
(toxic compulsion) is, and the
of addiction. (T F ?)
I accept that children and teens are
not responsible for the normal reflex to self-medicate (reduce)
significant inner pain. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true addiction is a
sign of a low-nurturance family, and that _
addiction is a family problem, not a personal one. (T
F ?)
I believe addicts are
and cannot control their compulsion without help. They are not
weak-willed, sick, immoral, a "loser," or irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and _ what needs it serves in an ad-dict’s family. (T F ?)
I can describe at least four of the
common
symptoms
of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can describe the main
difference between preliminary (addiction) recovery and full
(inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having "an addictive
personality" really means "having a
(being controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or what to do
about it." (T F ?)
I can clearly describe
_ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a responsive
Higher power (T F ?)
I can describe _
pseudo
recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction,
_ addiction
relapses, and _ how
well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F ?)
I understand the 12
"Anonymous"
steps for
addiction-management now. (T F ?).
Our family adults know how to pick an
effective addictions (family) counselor. (T F ?)
My
true Self is
to these items now or I know which other subself is
responding. (T F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now...When
you have _ assessed yourself for false-self wounds, and _ can
confidently answer T(rue) to each of the items above, you're
ready to...
2) Check
your motivation. Why do
you need to "do something" about this child's possible addiction?
Your primary needs will determine your choice of actions and your
definition of "success."
I need...
_ to
or protect this child from local and long-term stress and heartache;
_ to ease someone' s
about "causing" this child's addiction, and/or failing to reduce it;
_ to reduce a major stressor between
me and my mate and/or another family adult;
_ to protect my partner and/or
another adult (e.g. a grandparent or ex mate) from guilt, shame, hurt,
and/or anxiety about this child's welfare;
_ to "prove something" to someone
relative to this child's welfare and/or our family;
_ to earn my self-respect and/or
preserve my
as a caring person and a responsible family adult;
_ to focus on this child as a way of
avoiding something uncomfortable about me or our fami-ly; and/or I
need...
_ something else (what?).
Note that your motivations to "do something"
about the addicted child originate with the personality
that currently rule your life. Do you know who they are yet?
Continue preparing to act...
3)
Check Your
Primary Relationship (if
any)
If a child is harming themselves and/or chronically stressing their family
members, their caregivers are wounded and unaware. Mates in such families
often focus on one or more children's "problem beha-vior" (like addiction)
to avoid acknowledging that one or both partners aren't getting their
filled well enough. If this is true for you now, you can best help the child
long term by inten-tionally working to improve your primary relationship.
If your Self (capital S") is
other protective subselves will probably (a) urge you to deny, minimize, or
ignore assessing for significant relationship problems, and (b) deny or
justify doing this. Notice your subselves' reaction to taking these three
assessment steps:
-
When you're not distracted and your Self is
your personality, thoughtfully fill out this
inven-tory of relationship
strengths and stressors. Then invite your partner to do the same, and
the two of you honestly discuss your results.
-
Review this
profile of a satisfying
relationship, and discuss how it relates to your situation with your
mate;
-
Review these common
with your mate, and discuss whether any of them apply to you now.
Now
apply your results. Rank yourselves
on a scale of
one (I am clearly trying to avoid admitting and acting on
significant relationship problems now)
to ten (My mate and I agree that we're not trying to avoid
serious relationship problems now) ___. What does your Self (capital "S")
think is the next right thing to do now?
The
last preparation to make is to ...
4)
Check Your Adult Relatives
for false-self wounds, knowledge, priorities, and recent nurturance-level.
Pause and identify the addicted child's primary caregivers now. If these
adults are wounded, un-aware, and unable to nurture effectively, that's a
higher-priority problem for you all than the effects of the child's
toxic self-medication - unless the child's health or life is at immediate
risk. Typical near-sighted false selves will strongly disagree with this,
and/or insist that you must focus on the addicted child.
Reality: excessive inner pain
and addiction (compulsive self-medication) is a family problem.
Assessment options
-
-
use these
worksheets to assess each of
the child's main caregivers for significant false-self wounds. If you
find any, then assess whether the person is in true wound-
yet.
-
honestly rate your present family for these
high-nurturance traits.
-
use these
this inventory, and these articles to assess
each caregiver's knowledge of
personalities; subselves and wounds; wound
recovery; and effective
grieving,
communication,
problem-solving; and
addiction basics.
-
use this
article to assess how satisfied the target child and each main
caregiver is with their re-cent relationship. To do this, try to imagine
how the child and each adult would honestly rate each relationship
factor with the other person.
-
Discuss the implied or stated purpose
of your family with the child's caregivers. If you adults don't share a
clear family purpose, the wry title of David Campbell's
book probably applies - "If
You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere
Else."
Finally...
|
Apply your results: rank
your status on a scale of one (our family
has far more urgent problems than just this child's addiction)
to 10
(our family's nurturance level is high enough for all of us
adults to focus on deciding if and how best to help this child
hit true bottom) ___. |
Pause, breathe, and notice what your subselves are
.
+ + +
We've just reviewed four ways to prepare to effectively assess if someone's
child in your family may be self-medicating inner pain. Is this what you
expected when you began reading this article?
The
next step is to consider who's child you're concerned about -
your own genetic offspring or someone else's - e.g. a stepchild, adopted
child, or foster child. The assessment and action stakes, risks, and options
differ for each of these. Do you need a break before continuing?
