Worksheet: identify your child-discipline values

Lesson 6 of 7 - learn to parent (nurture) effectively

Worksheet: Discover Your
Child-Discipline Values

Do You Have Major Values
Conflicts to Resolve?

by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this worksheet is https://sfhelp.org/parent/discipline2.htm

Updated April 12, 2015

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      This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6 - learn to provide effective parenting. A vital element of this skill is effective child discipline.

       Effective child discipline (setting limits and consequences) is essential to (a) teach kids acceptable social behavior, and (b) provide order in kids' homes and family. Typical mates and other family adults have differing styles (values, priorities, and habits) in doing child discipline. Ideally, they'll discover key style-differences before marriage.
      This worksheet will help you learn about the child-discipline values of you and other family adults and supporters. The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it

self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 6

effective parenting and child discipline,

resolve three common family stressors, and

this worksheet on parenting values

To Use This Worksheet...

Print as many copies as you need. Decide if you want to focus on one child (who?), several, or all.

Do a "Self check" - you'll get the best results if your true Self is guiding your other personality subselves. If not, you have larger problems than "child discipline."

Adopt the open mind of a student - i.e. be open to learning something useful for you all, vs. arming yourself for combat.

Mark each line below with your initial or a symbol ("x") to show how you usually see yourself disciplining your child/ren. The center word below each line tells what the line measures;

Option: re-do the worksheet for the same child/ren using a different initial or symbol, marking how you see your partner's discipline-style factors. This is about awareness, not competing or criticizing!

Have your co-parenting partners do the same on separate copies of this worksheet;

Compare and discuss your results as caregiving teammates vs. opponents; and...

Try to agree on (a) which items you need to compromise on together, and (b) how to do that.

Bottom line: would your family's nurturance level rise if one or more of your adults changed something about your child-discipline values and actions? Who? What? If something is in the way - what is it?

Options

Have your old-enough kids fill out worksheet copies, and invite their constructive feedback non-defensively!

Think of your childhood: Re-do your sheet, marking the lines for each of the adults who parented you. Compare the result with your and or your partner's present styles. What patterns do you see?

If you're a single parent or stepfamily co-parent, do a worksheet on your prior family. How did the disciplinary style there vary from this household's, and the other bioparent's home? How do the kids react to these discipline-style differences?

Keep these worksheets and review them, say, a year from now to see what changes or progress you've made. And ... try to see conflicting child-discipline values as different rather than right / wrong, or good / bad!

If you're experiencing major family conflicts over disciplinary or other parenting values, see this after you finish using this worksheet.
ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x democratic <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> authoritarian ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x consistent <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> inconsistent
ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x aim: learning <- - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - - -> aim: punish ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x very rigid <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> very flexible ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x few/simple <- - - - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> many/complex ALWAYS FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x clear/specific <- - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> vague/general ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x both co-parents give <- - - - RULES - - - - - -> 1 co-parent gives ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x co-parents agree on <- - - - RULES - - - -> co-parents disagree on ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x demands <- - - - - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - - - -> requests ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x specific/clear <- - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> vague/undefined ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x reasonable/"fair" <- - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - -> harsh/"unfair" ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x told in advance <- - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> told on the spot ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 SELDOM NEVER x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x enforced <- - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - -> enforced ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 SELDOM NEVER x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x prompt <- - - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - - -> prompt ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x "Natural" <- - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - -> co-parent-designed ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x Shaming <- - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - -> empowering KIDS ALWAYS OFTEN 50/50 OFTEN KIDS ALWAYS x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x resent/defy <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> agree/accept VERY FAIRLY 50/50 FAIRLY VERY x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x EFFECTIVE <------------ OVERALL DISCIPLINE ------------> INEFFECTIVE
Add any other style factors like these that affect the effectiveness of the child discipline in your homes.

Awarenesses...

Now that you're aware of your child-discipline values, you may be aware of people who's values conflict with yours. This brief YouTube video offers suggestions for resolving such conflicts. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site. I've reduced that to seven:

Recap

This worksheet is part of online self-improvement Lesson 6. It provides a structured way to understand and discuss someone's "style" of (values about) child discipline. That can help family members to identify and resolve significant parenting values conflicts. The worksheet builds on these general ideas about effective child discipline.

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