Lesson 6 of 7 - learn to parent (nurture) effectively

co-parent

 Worksheet: Discover Your
Child-Discipline Values

Do You Have Major Values
 Conflicts to Resolve?

by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council

The Web address of this worksheet is http://sfhelp.org/parent/discipline2.htm

Updated  April 12, 2015

      Clicking underlined links here will open a new window. Other links will open  an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display. Follow underlined links after finishing this article to avoid getting lost.

      This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6 - learn to provide effective parenting. A vital element of this skill is effective child discipline.

       Effective child discipline (setting limits and consequences) is essential to (a) teach kids acceptable social behavior, and (b) provide order in kids' homes and family. Typical mates and other family adults have differing styles (values, priorities, and habits) in doing child discipline. Ideally, they'll discover key style-differences before marriage.

      This worksheet will help you learn about the child-discipline values of you and other family adults and supporters. The article assumes you're familiar with...
 

  • the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it  

  • self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 6

  • effective parenting and child discipline,

  • resolve three common family stressors, and

  • this worksheet on parenting values
     

  To Use This Worksheet...

Print as many copies as you need. Decide if you want to focus on one child (who?), several, or all.

Do a "Self check" - you'll get the best results if your true Self is guiding your other personality subselves. If not, you have larger problems than "child discipline."

Adopt the open mind of a student - i.e. be open to learning something useful for you all, vs. arming yourself for combat.

Mark each line below with your initial or a symbol ("x") to show how you usually see yourself disciplining your child/ren. The center word below each line tells what the line measures;

Option: re-do the worksheet for the same child/ren using a different initial or symbol, marking how you see your partner's discipline-style factors. This is about awareness, not competing or criticizing!

Have your co-parenting partners do the same on separate copies of this worksheet; 

Compare and discuss your results as caregiving teammates vs. opponents; and... 

Try to agree on (a) which items you need to compromise on together, and (b) how to do that.

Bottom line: would your family's nurturance level rise if one or more of your adults changed something about your child-discipline values and actions? Who? What? If something is in the way - what is it?

Options

Have your old-enough kids fill out worksheet copies, and invite their constructive feedback non-defensively!

Think of your childhood: Re-do your sheet, marking the lines for each of the adults who parented you. Compare the result with your and or your partner's present styles. What patterns do you see? 

If you're a single parent or stepfamily co-parent, do a worksheet on your prior family. How did the disciplinary style there vary from this household's, and the other bioparent's home? How do the kids react to these discipline-style differences? 

Keep these worksheets and review them, say, a year from now to see what changes or progress you've made. And ... try to see conflicting child-discipline values as different rather than right / wrong, or good / bad!

If you're experiencing major family conflicts over disciplinary or other parenting values, see this after you finish using this worksheet.


ALWAYS       FAIRLY       50/50         FAIRLY      ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x
democratic <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> authoritarian 



ALWAYS       FAIRLY       50/50         FAIRLY      ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x--------------x
consistent <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> inconsistent


ALWAYS       OFTEN        50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x  
aim: learning <- - - - - - - DISCIPLINE  - - - - - - - -> aim: punish



ALWAYS       OFTEN        50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
very rigid <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE - - - - - - -> very flexible



ALWAYS       FAIRLY       50/50         FAIRLY       ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
few/simple <- - - - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> many/complex



ALWAYS       FAIRLY       50/50         FAIRLY       ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
clear/specific <- - - - - - - RULES - - - - - - - - -> vague/general



ALWAYS       OFTEN        50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
both co-parents give <- - - - RULES  - - - - - -> 1 co-parent gives


ALWAYS       OFTEN        50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
co-parents agree on <- - - -  RULES - - - -> co-parents disagree on


ALWAYS       OFTEN        50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x--------------x---------------x---------------x
demands <- - - - - - - - - -  RULES - - - - - - - - - - -> requests


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
specific/clear <- - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> vague/undefined


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
reasonable/"fair" <- - - -  CONSEQUENCES - - - - - -> harsh/"unfair"


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS  
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
told in advance <- - - - -  CONSEQUENCES - - - - -> told on the spot


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50        SELDOM         NEVER  
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
enforced <- - - - - - - - -  CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - -> enforced


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50        SELDOM         NEVER 
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
prompt <- - - - - - - - - - CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - - - -> prompt


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
"Natural" <- - - - - - - -  CONSEQUENCES - - - -> co-parent-designed


ALWAYS       OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN        ALWAYS  
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
Shaming <- - - - - - - - -  CONSEQUENCES - - - - - - - -> empowering


KIDS ALWAYS    OFTEN         50/50         OFTEN     KIDS ALWAYS  
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
resent/defy <- - - - - - - - DISCIPLINE  - - - - - - -> agree/accept


VERY         FAIRLY        50/50        FAIRLY          VERY  
x--------------x---------------x---------------x---------------x
EFFECTIVE <------------ OVERALL DISCIPLINE ------------> INEFFECTIVE

      Add any other style  factors like these that affect the effectiveness of the child discipline in your homes.


 
Awarenesses...



 

      Now that you're aware of your child-discipline values, you may be aware of people who's values conflict with yours. This brief YouTube video offers suggestions for resolving such conflicts. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site. I've reduced that to seven: 

  Recap

      This worksheet is part of online self-improvement Lesson 6. It provides a structured way to understand and discuss someone's "style" of (values about) child discipline. That can help family members to identify and resolve significant parenting values conflicts. The worksheet builds on these general ideas about effective child discipline.

  This worksheet is very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful     

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