The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/parent/divorce/lust.htm
Updated
03-07-2015
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This is one of a series of lesson-6 articles
on effective parenting during parental divorce.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help.
This article assumes you're familiar with....
the
intro to this site and the
premises
underlying it,
basic ideas
and useful Q&A items
about ex-mate relations.
What's the (Surface) Problem?
Sexual desire for your ex mate may not stop when you separate. Strong emotions that come up during separation,
divorce, and afterward - like anger explosions - can trigger gusts of sexual
desire.
One of you may act seductive
towards your ex for several reasons.
These can cause a relationship
"problem" when someone feels that your or your ex spouse's sexual
fantasies or behaviors significantly interfere with...
your (or their)
wholistic health, because of excessive
guilt and shame over your (their) "bad"
or obsessive sexual fantasies or behaviors; and/or...
your personal
security and priorities - e.g. if either of you stalks or
harasses the other;
and/or...
co-parenting
your kids
effectively after separation;
And
ex-mate lust is significant if it...
blocks
some adult or child from fully
grieving (accepting) the major
caused by your separation and divorce, over time;
or if it causes one of you to...
use a child, relative,
or friend
as a sexual spy, confidant, or messenger
(triangling), and/or
ex-mate lust is a problem if it...
stresses a new partnership by causing
suspicion, resentment, and/or jealousy.
These problems are not
about sexual fantasies or impulses,
they're about how ex-mate lust affects your wholistic health, behaviors,
priorities, kids, key relationships, and family functioning.
I assume you're reading this because one or more of these situations applies
to you, or you want to support someone struggling with "an ex-mate lust
problem." What do you need - clarification? Information? Problem-solving
options? Try saying out loud why
you're reading this article.
Note - if part of your problem is a new partner feeling
jealous and/or distrustful of you
(relative to you and your ex), follow the links after you finish reading
this.
As with most family role and relationship problems,
sexual tension
between ex mates indicates underlying
primary problems.
Trying to reduce the surface problems (symptoms) may cause temporary
changes, but won't fill
your
primary needs. What can
fill them is identifying, owning, and
resolving ...
The Primary Problems
Looking below typical surface "sexual problems"
between divorced partners usually reveals some mix of these...
1)
One
or both of you deny sexual feelings for your ex mate, or
you deny that such feelings and related behaviors are causing significant
stress in or between your family members. Similar
reality distortions are...
minimizing ("Well, yeah - but no big
deal..."),
intellectualizing ("Let's
analyze why this
sexual problem exists..."), and...
projecting ("It's
your fault: you keep coming on to me").
Each of these suggests significant
psychological
wounds
and a disabled true Self in one or both of
you. And/or...
2) You
receive sexual signals (language, flirting, invitations,...)
from your former mate, and/or you send them such signals -
and feel confused about
your own feelings ("I'm
kinda turned on - and I feel guilty and uncomfortable, too.")
Chronic ambivalence
always signals
that a
false self controls
your perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior. That often causes the
ambivalent person (you) to give confusing
double (mixed) messages to
their ex - like saying with a grin or a playful voice-tone "Stop coming on to me!"
Internal (personal) confusion breeds confusion between ex mates and
others.
3) Another possible primary problem is
one or both of you don't know how
to...
4) One or both of you - and/or a new partner -
believe
that "(extra- marital) sexual thoughts, feelings, and fantasies are
sinful or
bad." Unexamined black/white beliefs like this can
evoke significant
shame, guilts, and
anxieties. If ignored,
these will degrade your wholistic health and your family relations.
This is a kind ofvalues conflict. This brief YouTube video
offers perspective on this idea. The video mentions eight lessons in this
self-improvement Web site - I've reduced that to seven.
Another possibility is...
5) One
or both of you is
not finished mourning
the many losses (broken
bonds) from your separation, divorce, and family reorganizing into two or more
homes. If so, the primary problems are usually psychological wounds + ignorance
of grieving basics +
lack of internal and/or family
''permission'' to grieve well.
Patient work
on
self-improvement
Lessons 1-3 can reduce these,
over time.
A
last possible root of your "ex-mate sexual problem" may be...
6) One or both of you ex mates has a sexual
addiction.
If
so, excessive sexual fantasies or obsessions about an ex mate is probably part of a
larger pattern of compulsively over-sexualizing relationships and
events and denying that to yourself and others. This
may be amplified by a relationship
addiction
(codependence).
My clinical experience is that any harmful
obsession indicates
significant early-childhood trauma and psychological wounds. One
symptom of a true addiction is fierce
denial of the compulsive dependency and it's obvious personal and social impacts.
Diagnosing and managing sexual
addiction is beyond the scope of this
article and series. Libraries, and Internet and physical book sellers and local mental-health centers can
help you learn more about
assessing and managing addictions.
Do you have a
"significant sexual problem" with your ex mate? If so, let's
explore your...
Options
You've already taken the first option, which is to acknowledge that you and/or an important other has "a
(sexual) problem." Other choices include...
learn more now, and
develop more options;
defer any action to "later;" or...
accept things the way they are now, with or without significant discomfort.
If you choose the first of these,
you may...
Ignore the primary problems, and attempt to resolve your
surface problems.
If you do this, I suspect that months or years from now, you'll admit that your
"problem" is the same or worse, or that it has manifested in another part
of your life. Pursuing surface solutions
teaches you long term what won't work, and what the core
issues are.
People make permanent belief and priority
changes when they finally
exceed their limits for
pain, weariness,
and despair
(''hit bottom''), and have proved that superficial changes don't fill their needs for long.
Or you may...
Research the primary problems above
to see if they apply to your situation. Options:
Assess
for psychological
wounds in you and
your ex by working at
Lesson 1. If your
Self
(capital "S") is disabled, evolve and work
patiently at a personal
recovery plan.
Freeing your Self to harmonize and guide your
other subselves will significantly reduce
your...
paralyzingambivalences about your sexual (and other)
situations,
denial, minimizing,
procrastinating, and intellectualizing (defenses);
confusion about your
boundaries, (limits) and anxiety about
enforcing them;
choosing immediate gratification over
long-term serenity; and...
sending
double messages to your ex, and harvesting doubt,
frustration, and distrust.
What would your life be like
if you could significantly reduce these? Note that over-sexualizing
relationships and situations (or repressing normal sexual thoughts and
impulses) may indicate some significant childhood sexual trauma and/or
sexually-wounded caregivers.
If you feel your ex mate is
psychologically wounded, see these options.
To learn if
you're unclear on your sexual (and other) boundaries
with your ex mate, describe...
what specific behaviors of
theirs "upset" you,
what specific behavioral changes
you need them to make, and...
specifically what actions you'll
take if they choose not to change after you've
requested or demanded that
they do so.
Specific here means some
behavior you could capture with a audio or video recorder. You can't
record "being a jerk" (a judgment). You can record "using
sexually-offensive language with me," Use this
article as a resource.
To improve your communicationeffectiveness with your ex
- like asserting your needs and boundaries -
read and apply
this
article. To expand communication options with your ex about sexual or other
relationship issues, try
mapping your
usual communication sequence with them on specific topics (including
"we don't talk about it"). Does your sequence qualify as effective
communication? If not, use these blocks and
tips to make it more effective.
Option: get quiet and try mapping your subselves' usual
dialog sequence (thoughts, feelings, and images) when they're focusing on your "sexual problem" with
your ex mate. Are your subselves
communicating effectively? Your Self can improve your
internal communication
outcomes, once s/he's trusted to lead your other
subselves and they all know these
basics.
To
assess whether incomplete grief in you or your ex is contributing
to your "sexual problem,"
rate your reaction to these
statements. T = true, F = false, D = "it depends" (on what?),
and "?" = "I'm not sure now":
Sexual thoughts or fantasies about people other than your
primary partner are always wrong and bad. (T F
D ?)
Sexual thoughts or actions other than for procreation are
always wrong and bad. (T F D ?)
Sexual thoughts, fantasies, and impulses are normal and OK, as
long as I don't act on them with someone other than my primary
adult partner. (T F D ?)
Divorced parents who have strong sexual feelings for their ex
mate are sick, weak, wrong, and/or bad. (T
F D ?)
Healthy, mature men and women
should be able to control their sexual thoughts, fantasies, feelings, and
actions. (T F D ?)
I feel comfortable enough talking factually about my sexual
situation with my ex mate to my close friends, and to any counselors I'm
working with. (T F D ?)
I and/or my ex believe solidly in _ Hell, _
Christian sin, and that _ thoughts or actions of lust and fornication
other than to further God's plan are clearly sinful and shameful. (T
F D ?)
Your subselves' beliefs about sensuality and sexual morality may be
causing excessive
conflict, guilt,
shame, and/or anxiety. If so, this suggests the need for personal
recovery
from psychological wounds, and the need to examine beliefs like those
above to see if they're yours or someone else's (like your parents, a
religious book or teacher, or a partner).
If you're using someone else's
beliefs out of habit or duty, replace them with your beliefs,
and see if that improves your situation.
More options...
Print
this article and give copies to your ex mate andrelevant others for information
and/or as a resource for some action
you want to take;
Remind
yourself to reread this
article on some future date (when?),
to evaluate your progress on any action-options you choose;
Finally ...
Use parts work to identify which
of your subselves are triggered by some sexual aspect of you
and your ex mate. Then learn what each activated subself thinks, feels,
and needs. Do any of them
disable your Self
around sexual
reactions with your ex? Learn more about your subselves and parts work
in part 3 of online
Lesson 1 here. If you feel you
have a sexual obsession, see this parts-work
strategy for reducing
it.
Recap
This
article is for people - specially parents - who are troubled by sexual feelings or
behaviors with an ex
spouse.
The article proposes practical options for identifying the primary
"sexual problems" you have with your ex mate, and specific
options for reducing them.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?