Use this sixth Break-the-Cycle Lesson as a flexible framework, and adapt it to fit
your unique family situation.
The assignments below build on each
other, so do them in order.
The more you study, the clearer all the ideas will
print some or most articles and
worksheets to refer to as you go
keep a notebook or journal to capture your reactions and validate your
include resources in this
Lesson in any family meetings;
alert other parents and any
professionals supporting your family (e.g. counselors,
clergy, etc.) to this
use this Lesson in any
parenting-support group you participate in.
LESSON 6 - Learn to
Parent (Nurture) Effectively
has three parts:
1) Basics for
child-caregivers in all families and organizations;
2) Managing common
parenting problems effectively, and...
3) If your family is
divorcing or divorced
These assignments aim to raise your awareness of effective
parenting, rather than decree absolute right/wrong
ideas. Check off each assignment as you complete
it, and hilight any you feel are specially useful. Ideally, study this Lesson with other family adults and
supporters. Coach yourself as you learn:
Part 1 - Effective-parenting Basics for All
the stage by scanning these brief selected
research/news items about parenting and family life.
Notice your thoughts and feelings as you do.
__ 6-2) Get quiet and undistracted, and take
the first six of these
without rushing. If you have trouble answering any
items, study the appropriate Lesson before working on
the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle that causes -
and is caused by -
ineffective parenting + social
denial and indifference. _ Try describing the cycle
to someone to see if you understand it.
__ 6-4) See if you
agree with these ideas about
Effective parenting is essential to protect your
descendents from the cycle's toxic
__ 6-5) Review this
introduction to your
family system. Effective parenting is most likely when
your family system is functioning (nurturing) everyone
(not just kids) well.
__ 6-6) Study this
overview of high-nurturance
("functional") family systems. Was your birth
family "functional"? What's your family's
nurturance level recently? (low > moderate > high). What
would improve that?
__ 6-7) Consider these
ideas about qualified
conception or acquisition. How can you tell if a family
is ready to nurture a child
Do you know any families who weren't ready?
6-8) Study these
classic ideas about eight child
development stages by Dr. Erik Erickson. Where do
each of your minor kids stand with these stages? If they
need help with any stage, what help, and from whom?
__ 6-9) Review
this concept of
surface and primary needs (Lesson 4).
Effective parenting aims to fill current primary adult and
child needs consistently.
__ 6-10) See how many
of these normal child-developmental
needs you know. Then decide how well each need is
being filled in each of your minor kids and teens.
these ideas about nourishing
physical con\tact (lesson 4). Is each of your
children getting enough appropriate touching? Are you?
__ 6-12) Reflect on
Dr. Abraham Maslow's ideas about
how normal human needs
rank. Do you agree with his ideas? How is each of
doing with this "hierarchy of needs?" How are each of your
family adults doing, starting with you?
Note - typical kids of parental death and separation
also have a mix of concurrent adjustment needs (#49
__ 6-13) Review this video
on three widespread types of
early-childhood trauma. Have they affected members
of your family?
__ 6-14) Review this
research summary connecting
with kids' "mental disorders."
__ 6-15) Review these
poignant Yahoo questions from real
__ 6-16) Review this
article on fear of abandonment
__ 6-17) Read
this perspective on parental neglect - one cause of psychological wounds
__ 6-18) Refer
periodically to these ageless wisdoms
young people in your life.
__ 6-19) Compare these
bonding with yours. Do you know any parents who
are unable to bond with their kids and/or other people? If so, how does that affect
their children? Their family's nurturance level?
__ 6-20) Do these
long-term goals of effective
parents match yours? How many busy parents do you think
could articulate such goals for each dependent child and/or
__ 6- 21) How many of
you have? How3 many did each adult who raised you?
__ 6-22) How many of
these nurturing values do
your family adults have?
__ 6-23) Evaluate
whether your family's attitude about
religion and spirituality
is nurturing or toxic for your kids.
See if you know how to develop
empathy in your minor
kids. Did your parents know how?
Review these options for helping kids develop _
and _ self confidence.
Are your children developing these vital assets?
these keys to effective adult
communication with minor kids
and teens (Lesson 2), and
_ these options for handling three common
relationship stressors (Lesson
__ 6-27) See if these
premises about effective child
discipline match yours.
__ 6-28) Strengthen
your ability to set and enforce effective
Evaluate whether your kids' grandparents'
are nurturing or toxic;
__ 6-30) Review these
ideas on a family
good-grief policy (Lesson 3).
Are your kids learning
to grieve effectively? Do you know how to grieve
well? Option - review these selected
items on "good grief."
__ 6-31) Are you
factoring these common gender
differences into your style of childcare?
__ 6-32) Consider
these suggestions on why and how to have
effective family meetings.
__ 6-33) See how you
feel about these proposed adult
__ 6-34) Compare these
traits of high-nurturance
centers, schools, churches, and child-related programs to those in
your life now.
Scan this comprehensive
"ACES" Web site dedicated to
preventing early-childhood trauma. .
LESSON 6, Part 2 - Manage Common Parenting
__ 6-36) Consider these
ideas about anger and
frustration and family
(Lesson 4). Can you describe your family's anger policy?
__ 8-37) Options for
parenting an addicted child
applicable, review these
suggestions for foster and adoptive parenting
discuss any of these that pertain to you and/or your
__ 6-40) Review these
options for resolving family conflict over a
child leaving home (Lesson
__ 6-41) Review
these perspectives on _
sibling relationships and _
__ 6-42) Review
options for dealing
with scapegoating, being a "black sheep," and/or bullying..
__ 6-43) Review
Asperger's Syndrome so you can learn how and why to
assess for it. (In a different Web site)
probable that this condition is promoted by significant
family dysfunction (wounded, unaware caregivers).
LESSON 6, Part 3 - And If You're Family is
Study and discuss each item that is relevant to your family
__ 6-44) Review
these Q&A items about divorce and divorce-recovery (Lesson 4)
__ 6-45) Review
and discuss these
research summaries with other family adults and
__ 6-46) Review these options for improving
relations (Lesson 4)
__ 6-47) If your ex mate is psychologically
these options (Lesson
parenting while divorcing
__ 6-49) Typical
minor kids need adult help to fill
__ 6-60) Options for
evolving effective parenting
__ 6-51) Options for
reaching optimal child-custody
__ 6-52) Q&A about
__ 6-53) Options toward achieving harmonious
__ 6-54) Options if
one divorcing parent is
disinterested / uninvolved
__ 6-55) Options for
adjusting to a child changing
__ 6-56) Perspective on "Parent
Alienation / Malicious Mother" Syndrome
__ 6-57) Options for
managing a child's custodial-home
__ 6-58) Review these
options for creating
"good enough" family gatherings and vacations after parental
separation and divorce
__ 6-59) Review these
Q&A items about professional counseling (Lesson 4)
__ 6-60) Adapt and
discuss these ideas about family legal disputes if you have any.
+ + +
quiz on effective parenting to
see what you've learned.
Now you're prepared to study other useful
courses on effective parenting like these (different Web
Option - search the Web for "effective parenting."
Notice what you're thinking and feeling
as you finish this Lesson. Is their something you want to
do now with what you've learned?
Would the other
adults in your family (and community) be able to pass these
Would the teachers in your
schools? if not - why not?
This sixth self-improvement Lesson proposes basic
information that average adults need in order to raise a
child successfully over two decades. Putting this
information into practice requires typical adults to have
to guide them through the decades
(Lesson 1), and to have (b) integrated the key ideas in
each of the
Premise - Most adults are
because their parents and other
caregivers (including grandparents and teachers) were unable
to meet these two requisites. Unaware citizens and
governments accept this, though it is inexorably
weakening many (most?) cultures and
you're interested in growing and enjoying a
high-nurturance stepfamily, continue with
If you're motivated
to tell others about what you learned here, see these
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article?
Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your