The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/parent.htm
Clicking underlined links here will open a
new window. Other links will open an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
Follow underlined links
finishing this article to avoid getting lost.
probably the most important article in this self-improvement Web site. It
ispart of a self-study lesson about effective parenting. The range and
scope of major social
problems suggests that
(a) many parents are failing at
this responsibility, and (b) their societies are indifferent to this failure
and its harmful effects.
and reflect: why are you reading this article? What do you seek?
The article proposes...
three reasons most parents are failing to prepare their kids
for independent living;
how to measure parenting effectiveness
why most adults are psychologically wounded and
specific suggestions for all adults nurturing minor
This brief YouTube video
highlights what you'll read below...
The article assumes you're familiar with...
intro to this nonprofit Web site and
the premises underlying it
I have been a
professional family therapist for
36 years. From my study and
clinical experience with well over 1,000 international clients
and students, I believe:
effective parenting is an intentional,
multi-decade nurturing process that may convert infants and
young kids into wholistically-healthy adults who can do the
same for any young children they nurture.
wholistically-healthy children is among the most
difficult, least understood, and globally-important human tasks;
The public is largely unaware of and indifferent to this so far.
Judging by the scope of serious
social problems, less than ~5% of typical family adults and mental-health
professionals know (a) how to raise young kids effectively,
and (b) how to realistically gauge the wholistic health of
kids and adults.
As a result...
without awareness, knowledge, and personal
healing, most family adults
dependent kids, just as their own parents did. Once aware of their wounds and ignorance (lack of
knowledge), family adults can reduce them and their toxic effects,
and they can then...
protect young kids in their care from
inheriting the same [wounds + unawareness] and passing them
on to the next generation.
Because of these conclusions, I believe conceiving and
raising young children should be legally licensed, just as we judge
the competence of vehicle operators, lawyers, CPAs, and
health professionals. At the least, committed couples should
be legally required to take the equivalent of this ad-free
course. The risk of not doing is the gradual degradation and
collapse of our society, which is already occurring.
This nonprofit Web site and the related videos
exist to explain and justify these proposals.
Pause and reflect: how do you feel about what you just read? How
do you think typical parents and grandparents would feel about
I expect you to
be skeptical and/or opposed to these unpleasant premises -
specially if you're a parent. If so,
I invite you to validate these basic premises now:
inherited psychological wounds: review these
common behavioral traits
of wounded people. What percentage of average adults and
older teens would you say have many of these traits?
Now review these behavioral traits of people whose
are ruled by "false selves" and true Selves. Having many
false-self traits suggests ineffective parenting and
significant psychological wounding in early childhood.
inherited unawareness and ignorance: get
distracted, and patiently take each of these quizzes to
gauge your knowledge:
down your opinion of what - specifically - typical young kids need
in order to grow
into healthy independent adults. Compare your list
to this one.
I propose that effective parents - and other well-nurtured adults- should be able to answer every one of these
quiz questions. Can YOU?
Do you agree that to be effective, parents would need to
know, model, and teach all these basic ideas? Did your
grandparents do this for your parents?
Imagine couples of any age who want to conceive,
foster, and/or adopt young kids being legally
required to "pass" these quizzes. Few
could, because (a) their parents never learned
or taught these things, and (b) our schools and
media don't teach them, so far.
Final reality check: read this
proposal of how
[wounds + unawareness] get unintentionally passed down the
generations, silently crippling young adults, families, and
societies.. Do you agree with this idea? Has it affected
your family members? To answer that, see how
many of these traits
of high-nurturance families your clan has.
SO - If you are -
or may be - responsible for preparing young kids for healthy
independent living, what should you do?
Get the big picture: finish reading this articlebefore you follow any underlined links.
Prepare: accept that if you choose to help raise anyone's
minor child, you are
directly responsiblefor protecting each such child
from inheriting crippling wounds and ignorance.
__ 2) Learn:
in this Web site with an open mind, and evaluate yourself for
inherited psychological wounds. If you're in a committed
relationship, ask your partner to do this with you.
__ 4) Learn more: patiently study at least
lessons 2 thru 6
over several months with your partner. It provides the
vital knowledge that any minor child need to become a stable,
independent adult and parent. As each child grows,
intentionally model and teach them your version of these ideas
and skills. If you don't - who will?
__ 5) Before you conceive,
foster, or adopt a child,
criteria to see if you adults
are ready for that major multi-decade
responsibility. If you're in a stepfamily, discuss these
conception pros and cons.
If minor kids in your life have experienced parental
separation, divorce, and re/marriage, use these additional
special needs to
guide and track your co-parenting efforts, Note that
separation and divorce is strong evidence that each mate and
their respective parents are psychologically wounded and unaware.
__ 7) Balance: As
you work steadilyto fill each dependent child's needs, stay
aware of your own dynamic mix of
primary needs and
work to fill them too, without guilt. It's OK to be
Self-ish (capital "S") - i.e. to rank your needs as equally
important as your kids' needs
__ 8) Periodically use this
comparison as a quick check on whether your child is developing
an effective true Self or not.
__ 9) Educate others
on what you're learning, starting with your family members. and
your kids' teachers, doctors, nannies, and coaches.
Based on the premises at the
top of this article, I propose that adults choosing to
implement these suggestions are most likely to be
judged as effective (vs. "good") parents and
grandparents. They won't be able to
validate that until their kids try to live on their own.
This Lesson-6 article proposes that most parents are
ineffective because of...
inherited psychological wounds from
early-childhood abandonment, neglect, and abuse (trauma); and
unawareness of themselves and some vital knowledge -
including kids' developmental and special needs.
article offers 10 specific suggestions for adults
responsible for nurturing someone's minor kids.
Effective parenting is the
keystone to protecting your living and unborn children from the
lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.Lesson 6 offers a framework
of specific resources to promote effective parenting.