Lesson 6 of 8 - Learn what kids need and how to parent effectively
	Personality Traits of Effective Parents How Many of These Do Your Adults Have? By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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          This is one of a series  of articles in Lesson 6 - learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. The range and scope of major social problems suggests that U.S. parents are failing at this. Successfully implementing the con-cepts in this Lesson depend on your integrating and practicing the ideas in the prior five lessons.

    Personality Traits Of Effective Parents
  
         Achieving most of these child-raising goals and dozens of tasks takes caregiving adults up to two decades of loving, patient, creative work with each unique child. For long-range success, the process calls for an amazing array of parental skills and traits. Few parents have all of these all the time. 

          I don't claim this to be a definitive or authoritative compilation. I want to provide a structured way you partners can get clearer on (a) what traits you think are important in effective child-raising, (b) which of them you and your partners have, and (c) which you want to develop. See if you see your Self and/or your co-parenting partners here... 

Ideal Personal Traits of Effective Parents 

_ Wholistically healthy - usually guided by his or her true Self	_ Unconditionally loving  of themselves and others	_  Enjoys raising children
_ Committed; dependable	_  Flexibly consistent	_ Trustworthy and honest
_ Sensitive; comfortable  with emotions; empathic	_  Discriminating	_ Self aware and Self caring
_ Genuine; real (vs. phony or plastic)	_  Spiritually aware and growing	_ Sexually healthy and balanced
_ Genuinely tender, nurturing, and gentle	_  Decisive; tough when needed	_ Courageous, confident, and  assertive
_ Spontaneous and playful	_  Imaginative and creative	_ Patient; resilient
_ Empathic, genuine listener	_  Realistically positive	_ Humorous; fun
_ Willing to seek and learn new ways	_  Cooperative within limits	_ Accepting with limits; forgiving
_ Able to grieve naturally and well	_  Often clear on key values and goals	_ Genuinely affirming and validating
_ Knows and accepts his/her own limits without undue shame	_  Often comfortable saying and hearing "No"	_ Willing and able to let go of control along the way...
_ Avoids using kids to fill their personal adult needs	_  Balances their parenting and other Life priorities well enough	_ Comfortable setting and enforcing limits with kids
_  Responsible; Accountable	_ Capable of bonding (attaching) to others	_ Open to positive criticism and feedback
_ Kind; Friendly	_ Knowledgeable and wise	_ clear thinking and talking: focused
_ Respectful and respectable	_ Self-sacrificing - at times	_ Reasonably organized
_ Clear on their parenting objectives	_ Well into true recovery , if s/he is a significantly-injured Grown Wounded Child (GWC)

       Notice the similarities between these personal qualities and the proposed set of effective- parenting goals? Think of someone you see as an effective parent. Do they have many of these traits? What would the adults who raised you say about these traits? 

        Does this group of (ideal) traits seem realistic to you? Which would you change or omit? Add? How would you rank these in importance? How would your parents react to the goals and traits proposed here? Could someone achieve most of the child-raising goals (prior page) without many of these personal qualities?

       Few caregivers have all or even most of these characteristics, or have individual traits consistently. Any parenting adult can develop many of them, with time and dedication. Chances for a girl or boy to experience and grow many of these traits rise when there are several wholistically-healthy adult caregivers steadily in her/his life, including special relatives, teachers, neighbors and stepparents. This can be a major benefit of being in a stepfamily! 

       As you know, parenting adults must learn and perfect their role as they go - there's no way to practice. They can't really judge their overall child-raising success until their kids are grown and perhaps parents themselves, though there are usually major clues along the way.

        In this sense, first-born children are at some disadvantage, through no fault of their parents. This is one reason that having effective grandparents and other veterans coaching (vs. directing) new parents along the way can be an enormous help to all... 

Premise: the more of these traits that the adults in any home and family with minor children have, the higher their nurturance level is apt to be. An equally important factor is how knowledgeable the adults are about (a) kids' developmental and special needs and (b) how to help fill them effectively toward healthy independence.

       Notice without judgment what you're feeling and thinking now. Do you focus on someone's parenting strengths or shortcomings? Whose? Take some time to really reflect now... What are you learning? 

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else"?

Continue with co-parent Lesson 7 by learning of the dozens of environmental differences that make stepfamily co-parenting specially complex, confusing, and challenging.

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Updated February 15, 2010