Lesson 6 of 7 - Learn how to parent effectively
	Checklist:: Personality Traits of Effective Parents By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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          This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6 - learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. The range and scope of major social problems suggests that many U.S. parents are failing at this.

          This checklist proposes that effective childcare depends on each caregiver's...

  • personal wholistic health, based on steady guidance from their true Self;

  • knowledge of the topics in  this course,

  • genuine abilities to bond, empathize, and communicate effectively with other people;

  • balancing life priorities so they and the kids get enough distraction-free nurturance; and...

  • a mix of desirable personality traits.

The article (a) suggests these traits, and encourages you to make your own list and then (b) rank each parenting adult in your life on which of these traits they have (or don't).

        This article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 5 Perspective on personalities and psychological wounds An introduction to effective parenting

  Personality Traits of Effective Parents

       Filling minor kids' developmental and any special needs takes caregiving adults up to two decades of loving, patient, creative work with each child. For long-range success (raising Grown Nurtured Children), this process requires an amazing array of parental skills and traits. Few parents have all of these all the time. 

        Use this checklist to clarify...

• what traits you think are important in effective child-raising,

• which of them you and your family adults or others have, and...

• which traits you want to develop.

• which traits your early-childhood caregivers had (or didn't have).

        Prepare to use the checklist by saying your definition of "effective parenting" out loud. The traits below are in random order.

Options: use this trait-table to rate yourself, your partner (if any), each adult that raised you, and each parent who influenced them (i.e. your grandparents). If you have older kids, ask them to rate you on these traits. If you think some traits are specially important, hilight them. Consider ranking each trait from 0 (undeveloped) to 5 (well developed).

Ideal Personal Traits of Effective Parents 

_ Wholistically healthy - usually guided by his or her true Self	_ Able to love themselves and selected others unconditionally	_  Wants to parent: and enjoys raising minor children
_ Committed; dependable	_  Flexibly consistent	_ Trustworthy and honest
_ Sensitive; comfortable  with all emotions, and empathic	_  uses good judgment, and is decisive when needed	_ Self aware and Self respecting
_ Genuine; real, vs. phony or insincere	_  Spiritually aware and growing	_ Sexually healthy and balanced
_ Genuinely tender, nurturing, and gentle	_  Decisive; tough when needed	_ Courageous, self-confident, and  assertive
_ Spontaneous, playful, fun	_  Imaginative and creative	_ Patient; resilient
_  Effective listener	_  Realistically optimistic	_ Humorous, good natured
_ Willing to seek and learn new ways	_  Cooperative within limits	_ Accepting with limits; forgiving
_ Able to grieve naturally and well	_  Often clear on key values and goals	_ Genuinely affirming and validating
_ Knows and accepts his/her own limits without undue shame	_  Usually comfortable saying and hearing "No"	_ Willing and able to let go of control as kids grow.
_ Doesn't use kids to fill their personal adult needs	_  Balances parenting and other responsibilities well enough	_ Comfortable asserting and en-forcing limits with kids
_  Responsible and accountable	_ Able to form healthy bonds with selected kids and adults	_ Open to positive criticism and feedback
_ Kind; friendly, companionable	_ Knowledgeable and wise	_ clear thinking and articulate; stays focused hen needed
_ Respectful and respectable	_ Self-sacrificing, at times	_ Able to plan and organize
_ Able to manage guilts effectively	_ Able to manage anxieties effectively	_ Able to manage anger and frustration effectively
_ Clear on their parenting objec-tives and responsibilities	_ Well into true recovery, if s/he is a significantly-injured Grown Wounded Child (GWC)

        Does this group of (ideal) traits seem realistic to you? Which would you change or omit? Add? How would you rank these in importance? How would your parents react to these traits? Could adults maintain a high family-nurturance level without many of these personal qualities? Think of someone you see as an effective parent. Do they have many of these traits?

Learn something about yourself with this anonymous 1-question poll.

       Few caregivers have most of these characteristics, or have individual traits consistently. Any parenting adult can develop many of them with time and dedication. Do you agree? Would you also agree that kids are most apt to develop these traits if their caregivers model and teach them?

       Parenting adults must learn and perfect their role as they go - there's no way to practice with the first child. They can't really judge their overall child-raising success until their kids are grown and perhaps parents themselves, though there are major clues along the way.

        In this sense, first-born children are at some disadvantage, through no fault of their parents. This is one reason that having effective grandparents and other veterans coaching (vs. directing) new parents along the way can be an enormous help to all... 

Premise: the more of these traits that the adults in any home and family with minor children have, the higher their nurturance level is apt to be. An equally important factor is how knowledgeable the adults are about (a) kids' developmental and special needs and (b) how to help fill them effectively toward healthy independence.

       Notice what you're feeling and thinking now. Do you focus on someone's parenting strengths or shortcomings? Whose? Take some time to really reflect now... What are you learning? 

Recap

        This checklist is part of a series of articles on what minor kids need to become healthy young adults and how to parent (nurture) them effectively. This article proposes that one requisite for effective parenting is a mix of personality traits. Some are instinctual and inborn, and others can be learned.

        This checklist of desirable parenting traits exists to help you meditate, discuss, and form your own list. Then you can assess any adult for which of the traits they have - or don't. This relates directly to whether their home and family has a high or low nurturance level. High levels have the best chance of guarding children and society against inheriting the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

Continue studying Lesson 6 - effective parenting..

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or ''someone else''?  

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Updated April 30, 2013