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April 14, 2015
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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6
- learn how to parent
effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself. The range and
scope of major social
problems suggests that
most parents are failing at
beliefs and values vary widely, and govern how they raise their kids. To get effective
nurturance, dependent kids need
their adults to identify and resolve any major values conflicts. To do that,
adults need to learn and discuss each others' child-raising values
This worksheet helps you do that.
It assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises underlying it
A "parent" is someone who accepts responsibility for nurturing someone's
dependent child. This includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, older teens, babysitters,
au pairs, teachers, coaches, mentors, and daycare staff.
A belief is what you think is
true (or not) about something - in this case, about
''effective parenting.'' A value is whether you judge something to be good
or bad, right or wrong, safe or not, significant or not, or better or
worse than something else.
Print this worksheet, get undistracted, and fill it out thoughtfully -
Your results will be more useful if your
true Self guides your
personality as you
other parenting adults to do this worksheet after reading the resources
above. This isn't about
being right or wrong, it's about identifying what you nurturers
believe and how compatible your beliefs are.
When you're done, discuss your results as childcare teammates. Affirm your similar values, and calmly identify
where you differ. Decide if you can find a way that works to compromise your
differences, or agree to disagree. Your present and future kids are depending on you all
to do this
These items represent the wide spectrum of
beliefs and values. Use them to identify others that are important to your
family. Option - say your answers to these items out loud. It's OK to "talk
33) The most stressful
thing about parenting is...
34) What typical parents need the most is...
35) The best thing
typical grandparents can do for their family is...
What typical biological grandparents need most is...
Pause and notice what you're thinking and feeling. Imagine having several
family meetings to discuss these items and learn each others' viewpoints.
Also imagine what opinions your kids would have. Option - go back
over these items and decide how each adult that raised you would respond to
each item. Then compare that to what you now believe. What do you
2) Parenting Values After
parents divorce, family reorganization causes many concurrent
adjustment needs for all family members. These add to minor kids' normal
developmental needs, so effective parenting becomes significantly more
complex and stressful.
Paradox: divorce often signifies mates' difficulty with resolving conflicts
effectively, and post-divorce parenting causes webs of new conflicts.
over items like these:
Parental divorce permanently damages typical minor kids.
38) Most minor kids of
parental divorce really need...
can nurture minor kids just as well as bioparent couples if...
The best way to explain divorce or parental death to kids and
41)The best time to explain parental divorce or parental death to
kids and teens is...
42) What's really hard for a non-custodial parent
43) Kids of
divorced parents are more likely to divorce than kids from intact families.
44)When parents divorce, the best thing their parents can do for
their grandkids is...
If you have other beliefs and values about parenting after divorce, what are
Most divorcing or widowed parents eventually commit to a new partner,
forming a stepfamily, The new mate may or may mot have kids of their own. If
you're not in a
don't expect to be in one, and don't care about anyone on a
stepfamily, go here.
Co-parenting Values and Beliefs
When a divorced or widowed parent commits to a new mate, all members of
their three or more
merging families experience complex sets of adjustment
needs. These add to minor kids' many concurrent developmental and
divorce-adjustment needs - which raises the complexity of effective
For perspective on what follows, first read how stepparenting
compares to bioparenting, and study these Q&A
items about stepparenting and
stepkids. Also review these common
stepfamily myths (beliefs) and realities.
For suggestions on managing a
re/marriage and multi-home stepfamily successfully, study online
lesson 7 after you finish here.
Stepfamily co-parenting is significantly harder than traditional
The most challenging thing about co-parenting in a multi-home stepfamily
Typical stepkids don't turn out as well as kids in healthy, intact
Again, pause, breathe, and notice
what you're thinking and feeling now. Recall that the items above represent
many parenting values and beliefs that typical family adults acquire
over decades of observation and experience.
Thisworksheet exists to help family adults discover and
discuss their values and beliefs about raising kids effectively. Your
depends in part on how able your adults are to clarify and resolve major conflicts
between their beliefs and values (on many topics).
you discover significant values differences, this brief video and
related article suggests how
to resolve them peacefully. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site. I've reduced that to seven: