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This is one of a series of articles on Lesson 6 - learn effective
parenting. These articles build on
and propose how to break the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
Many adults in our society are aggravated by and/or concerned about
"troubled children" who "act out" and harm themselves
and/or stress other
people. This is specially common in typical
families.
This article is written
to these women and men. It
summarizes (a) general surface problems, (b) typical underlying primary
problems,
and (c) practical adult options to help themselves and their depen-dent kids.
The article
assumes you're familiar with...
What's the Surface
Problem?
Think of a "problem child" who has affected your life. Such kids may lie,
cheat, steal, bully, defy, withhold, act "irresponsibly," balk at learning,
are "social misfits," are "hyperactive," disrespectful, "sel-fish," sneaky,
and/or arrogant. At
first glance, you may empathize with such kids' caregivers as
"trying their best with a bad child." Most over-busy parents and school
staff tend to focus on
restraining and "fix-ing" "troubled" boys and girls.
The
general surface problem is that (a) a "problem child's" behavior upsets (scares,
hurts, an-gers, frustrates, intimidates, worries) too
many people too often, and (b) s/he isn't "responding well
enough" to attempts to help.
Often the child and/or their behavior
is labeled
"the problem," and affected adults try to limit and change
("correct") the
child.
Usually, the child is not the problem...
What's the
Primary
Problem?
When
family adults' and others' best efforts don't produce desired changes in a
"problem child's" attitudes and behaviors over time, there may be several
interactive reasons:
The child has been raised -
and/or lives in - in a low-nurturance environment created
by
(ineffective)
caregivers. The child can't identify and articu-late what s/he
needs, and her or his behavior is a primal attempt to survive,
rather than to prepare for healthy independence;
The
involved caregivers and authorities
are focusing on the wrong things, and don't know this or what to do about it
- i.e.
they don't have the knowledge, awareness, and courage to focus on the
right things (below); And often...
Adults fruitlessly argue over who is
to "fix" the
"problem child." This is usually aggravated by implied or
overt blaming,
based on toxic
and
a mix of anxie-ties, inadequate
information, and
These become secondary problems of their own, and make effective caregiver
cooperation hard or impossible; And...
The exasperated
family adults and school
authorities often impose
changes, like lecturing, grounding, fining, detention, loss of
privileges, expulsion, or community
ser-vice. Because these are often forced on the child impulsively and
disrespectfully,
they fre-quently
promote more "acting out."
|
When family adults
admit honestly that they are at least half of the core
problem and try to change themselves, then blaming, defensiveness,
and "defiance" can begin to shift toward effective household and family
|
A troubled
child's actions imply that their
developmental needs haven't been filled
well enough, so far. If so, the solution is for "someone" to
compassionately assess the child's unmet developmental and
special needs
and fill them. To nurture means "to fill someone's needs."
Collectively, family adults' values, priorities, and behaviors determine the
of their children's
home.
Kids' key daily
needs include respectful attention and appreciation, safeties,
appropriate privacy, dignity, genuine encouragement,
and empathic, consistent guidance
toward adult independence -
including respectful limit-setting
and enforcing
(conse-quences) - i.e. effective discipline.
Another key reason adults' well-intended attempts to help don't work is...
|
Caregivers
and school staff are too
distracted, uncoordinated, and
to identify and fill the child's needs well and
consistently. Wounded means "unconsciously
dominated by a reactive
Unaware means being unable to answer many of
well. |
Your
troubled child is half the
local problem. To survive a
low-nurturance environment, s/he has probably evolved protective, short-sighted,
false
self which "acts out." S/He didn't choose this, doesn't know
it, and can't control it without
patient, informed adult help.
This guarantees that "logic"
(reasoning and explaining) and "punishment" (discomfort)
cannot permanently
improve the child's attitudes and upsetting behavior. They'll probably maintain or
increase them!
of the child's
always believes "I am a bad person not worth loving or caring about."
Against all pleas, logic, and threats,
this semi-conscious attitude
or "low self esteem") steadily contributes to
self-harmful behaviors.
Over time, this increases the false-self's belief "I am bad and
unlovable, no matter what anyone says. So I don't care." That is
not "defiance." It is the proud, angery expression of
self-abandonment,
inexpressible
overwhelm, and despair (lack of hope
for less pain).
This attitude often starts in early years because of emotionally or
physically absent and/or over-critical, rejecting parents. Such adults
were usually not well nurtured in their own early years - and often
repress or deny their pain and wounds.
| Premise: a "troubled" minor or grown child's personal, school,
relationship, and health problems are really
caused by
in the child and
their caregivers, and adult
Our (wounded) society denies and passively permits both of
these. Do you agree? |
Implication - Permanent
attitude and behavioral
in the child is unlikely until the responsible adults...
-
understand and accept this premise; (study and discuss Lessons 1 thru
6); and...
-
identify and agree on what the child
needs and who's responsible for
filling them; and...
-
genuinely want to
their own
wounds and the child's, and...
- intentionally assess and improve their family's
together.
Otherwise co-parents are at significant risk of
ongoing or increasing stress, and the child is vulnerable to some or all of these
Is this toxic ancestral
[wounds + unawareness]
affecting
your
family members now?
Until American clergy and elected
legislators assume responsibility for compassionately assessing a couples'
ability to provide a
high-nurturance environment
before allowing them to conceive a child, this unacknowledged cycle will inexorably
spread down the generations and steadily
weaken our
citizens' wholistic health and society.
Notice
your
to these premises. I suspect you're at least startled, perhaps
skep-tical or critical, or even angery. If so, do you know which of
your subselves are reacting, and
why?
The
rest of this two-page article offers ideas to co-parents based on the premises above
and the articles linked at the top of this page. If you haven't read them
yet, I urge you to do so now to better un-derstand what
follows.
Options
for Helping a
Psychologically-wounded Child
Based on the premises above, you
probably
cannot improve your
"troubled" child's attitudes and behavior by
yourself, despite your best efforts.
You
can...
-
define any "troubled child" as a
family problem, not an individual one;
-
admit, and
your own
false-self wounds (work at Lesson 1),
-
encourage your other family adults and
helpers to (a) understand and accept psychological
and
and to (b) commit to raising your shared
nurturance level; and you all can...
-
learn how to select effective professional and
educational help for the child and your family adults.
Do you agree? "No" is
different than "I don't see how." See what you think about
this menu of concrete ways you can help. First...
Stabilize Any Crises
Typical family adults seek help with or for a "problem" child when they perceive some
- i.e.
a significant immediate danger to someone. If any of your adults currently fear
"significant danger," then (a)
and (b) focus together
on at least
(vs. resolving) that now. You can't make effective
long-range
nurturance-level changes until your adults' and kids believe your environment
is
in the near future.
Many wounded,
unaware parents live from crisis
to crisis, with few or no periods to rest and regroup. If this describes you,
note your option to refocus from
your troubled child to the "big picture."
The rest of this article assumes
you adults aren't distracted by an immediate crisis. True?
After stabilizing any family crises...
Prepare, Then Act...
Coach
your family adults
to want to
-
adopt a
long range outlook - e.g. the next 15-20 years,
-
shift from focusing on the troubled child to
your whole
and...
-
pay steady cooperative attention to your
family's nurturance level. Most adults take their family "functioning"
for granted. That's like expecting a garden to grow well without
weeding, fertilizing, and watering.
Accept that to raise your family nurturance level,
one or more of your family adults will have to
want
to change some cherished beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors over time.
You all are (at least) half of "the problem!"
Family members and supporters who dispute this are probably dominated by a
protective false self.
Encourage
your adults to avoid blaming anyone
for your wounds and ignorance.
Finger-pointing
generates hurt, guilt, anxiety, doubt, and defensiveness, vs. effective
problem-solving. A better alternative is to focus your adults
and kids on seeing the results of their attitudes and actions factually - e.g.
"When you ground Jennifer angerily and sarcastically without listening to
and validating her needs, she feels dis-respected, hurt, misunderstood, powerful, guilty, ashamed, resentful
- and then defiant."
Learn
more about
false and true
false-self
and wound
Then learn and tailor these three options for
breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle and protecting your
descendents.
|
With compassion, patience, and
courage, honestly
yourself, your mate, other
family adults and supporters, and the
"problem" child(ren) for
symptoms of false-self wounds. If you find dis-abled true Selves,
focus together on
them via
This is not about
"sickness" or "bad-ness" (blame), it's about healing
and improving your family's nurturance level! |
Assess
your basic
by honestly looking
at your recent actions, perhaps with objective feedback from
others.
If they are...
-
my
and
usually come first,
-
my primary
relationship comes second, except in emergencies; and then...
- all else, including minor kids'
short-term comfort...
then these change-options may
be useful. If your family adults are ruled by a protective false self, their priorities
will probably be different.
Learn and discuss minor kids' normal
developmental and family-adjustment needs,
and then assess each minor child in your family for
their status with these. Then...
Evolve
a
and then a clear
co-parenting
for each care-giver in your family. Your adults may be confused and/or conflicted about
their specific roles and respon-sibilities toward guiding, teaching and protecting each minor child in your extended family. As long as any of your family adults are significantly controlled by a false self, doing this
effectively will be hard or im-possible.
Often, chronic anger, defiance, and rebellion and/or "depression" are signs
of
That's a common symptom of unawareness and false-self control, which suggests low
early-childhood nurturance. To see if blocked grief is affecting you
and/or your wounded child, do
with your other
adults. Your goal is to evolve a healthy grieving policy and a pro-grief
family, and free up any blocked mourning.
Assess the
"problem child's" self
worth and
(I am good, worthy,
and lovable) - in general (as a
"person"), and in each of the child's main current roles: son / daughter, boy
/ girl,
sibling (if appro-priate), stepson / daughter, friend, and student. If you're a religious (vs.
family, assess whether the child feels s/he is a
(despicable, worthless) "sinner" in God's and/or some
righteous person's eyes. Option: use a 1-to-10 scale to rate your
assessment.
|
Most "troubled" (wounded) kids have
significantly low global or role
self-esteem - i.e. they are
If you feel a child
is burdened with excessive shame, ask yourself "How does a
shame-based child learn
genuine (vs. pseudo) self-respect and
(vs. "egotism"), and which adults are responsible for
helping with that?" |
Premise - you cannot logically persuade or demand that someone "feel
better about themselves." You can become
aware of who in the child's outer and inner worlds
are generating shaming messages (e.g. relentless
and
subselves), and work respectfully to change those
mes-sages to consistently affirming and encouraging ones.
You
can improve their "outer world" by learning about
as part of co-parent
then using communication
with your fellow co-parents to explore for people who are sending the wounded
child shaming ("you're inferior") R-messages.
Note
that these toxic messages are often nonverbal - like a facial
expression, voice tone, sigh, or eye-roll. Note also that
people who chronically shame others are
usually shame-based themselves. If your child is frequently shamed by one or both bioparents, older
sibs, teachers, relatives, or you - it's likely that person is
controlled by a false self.
Another
powerful way you caregiving adults can improve the child's "outer
world" is to review your
child
discipline policies and practices. Disciplining to punish
(teach by inflicting discomfort) is inherently shaming. Disciplining to teach
and empower -
e.g. through natural consequences - encourages self-re-spect and
self-responsibility over time. Do you agree? How were you disciplined, and how did it shape
your self-respect over your young years?
The
seven Lesson-2
are
essential for providing effective child discipline. If based on a
genuine
(mutual respect) attitude,
the skills empower you adults to do
win-win
instead of
fighting, arguing, imposing, lecturing,
avoiding, and/or withdrawing. Note specially the power of
intentionally giving effective (vs. good/bad)
feedback,
and using assertive
instead of blameful/shameful
you messages.
|
Discuss and tailor these guidelines for
analyzing and
resolving most role and
relationship prob-lems. Then study and apply these suggestions for
improving the effectiveness of
family communica-tions. These will work best for you all if your
true Selves are guiding each family adult. |
Continue
with more
options for evolving a nurturing
environment for "troubled kids." Do you need a stretch break first?
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/wounded_kid.htm