About Enabling

      Since the 1980s, enabling has gained a new meaning - well-meant over-protec-tion of a wounded person which promotes unhealthy denials of (a) major inner pain, (b) unhealthy strategies to avoid the pain (like addictions), (c) the toxic effects of these strategies on their family, and (d) avoiding personal responsibility for healing. The classic example is a wife calling her hung-over mate's boss to make an excuse for him not coming in to work ("Carl's not feeling well today."). Another example is an over-protective parent who is scared to let their child take safe, growthful risks.

        Enabling implies un/consciously taking responsibility for a person who fears doing so for (distrusts) themselves. Though well-intentioned short-term, enabling prevents the person from developing self-sufficiency and self-confidence long term. Doing this compulsively can be called rescuing, which is often a symptom of codependence (relationship addiction). 

        Typical troubled adults are survivors of low-nurturance childhoods who are un-aware of being controlled by well-meaning false selves. Their ruling subselves often enable other wounded adults or kids, for various payoffs. Their false selves may also choose a "helpless" Victim role and unconsciously invite others to enable them. Three of many symptoms are (a) compulsively avoiding self-responsibility, (b) hindering it in others, and (c) denying or justifying these choices. Asserting respectful limits,  "Tough love," and "interventions" are empowering alternatives to enabling.

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