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A ritual, tradition, or custom is a repeated set of personal or group beha-viors that aim to satisfy the dominant participants' key needs. Every family (a) inherits rituals (e.g. dining habits, vacations, birthdays, holidays, reunions) from ancestors, and (b) evolves new rituals of their own. Co-parent re/marriage requires merging three or more biofamilies' rituals. This inevitably breeds webs of values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles - for years. Rituals range from nurturing (need-fulfilling) to toxic (need-amplifying). Common primary needs that cause us all to create and repeat rituals are (a) normalcy - the comfort of feeling "like other people;" (b) validation - reaffirming and strengthening family roles, rules, rank, bonds, relationships, loyalties, and family identity; and (c) security. Repeating familiar behaviors and activities can yield the comfort of "things are as they should be - my life is stable and predic-table (i.e. safe)," vs. "I'm aging, changing, and am powerless to prevent losing cherished and familiar things." Rituals which honor the needs of all participants equally strengthen relationships, homes, and families. During the multi-year divorce and step-family-merger processes, co-parents and kin can (a) fight over whose rituals (needs) will prevail, or (b) accept that cooperatively balancing old and new rituals benefits everyone long-term. Wounded, unaware co-parents risk being inflexible and competitive on this, and/or performing home and family rituals from exces-sive shame, guilts, and fears ("duty"). Who determines the rituals in your home and (step)family? Are these customs nurturing or toxic? More perspective / merger guidebook / related info / close |
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