About Guilt

        Guilt is the primal emotion most kids and adults experience when they believe they've "done something wrong" - i.e. broken someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), cannot, or have to. Young kids begin absorbing these rules without discrimin-ation from their family adults, hero/ines, older kids, teachers, and the media. Kids raised by wounded adults often evolve over-harsh, restrictive, or confusing rules that cause frequent, excessive guilts. Their personalities usually include one or more guilty subselves. Kids raised by healthy caregivers gradually learn to validate others' rules ("Is it always wrong to interrupt other people?"), and trust their own judgment in forming new rules. Moderate guilt is a healthy regulator of personal and social be-havior. Excessive guilts can cripple individuals, relationships, and families.

        Because our Christian ancestors decreed divorce to be a sacrilege, many divor-ced parents and their kids are burdened with excessive guilts - and don't know it or what to do about it. Most people raised by wounded caregivers are also burdened with excessive shame and consequent self-neglect. Because of role and relationship unawareness, typical co-parents and stepkids suffer excessive guilts. In a stepfamily context, excessive guilts + shame often causes major role confusions, and divisive loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. Without informed, corrective action, these dilute family nurturance, and promote psychological or legal re/divorce.

        Progress on family Project 1, and learning self-awareness and stepfamily basics provide an effective way to (a) form realistic self and mutual expectations (rules), and (b) spot and reduce excessive guilts and shame to normal levels. Guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake") feel similar, but are healed differently. Can you describe how? See Project 1.

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