|
Premise - identity is all the traits and characteristics that distinguish one thing from similar things (e.g. a rose is not a daisy because...). All families are similar in some ways, and unique in others. Typical stepfamilies differ more from intact biofamilies than any other type of family, so they always have a unique identity traits. So what? Co-parents and supporters who ignore their identity as stepfamily before or after cohabiting are at high risk of wrongly assuming that stepfamily roles and relationships should be "pretty much like" those in typical intact biofamilies. This error always causes major confusions, disappointments, frustrations, and conflicts in and among stepfamily kids and adults. These will continue or escalate until all members accept their identity and what it means. Stepfamily identity conflicts occur when some members accept their identity and others don't. Some signs of real (vs. token) identity-acceptance are (a) adults and kids spontaneously using the prefix "step" at home and in public ("Ann, this is my stepbrother Juan."); and (b) co-parents openly researching and discussing the differences between stepfamilies and intact biofamilies, and (c) intentionally clarifying to other people that they're a stepfamily ("I'm Jason's second wife, and Megan's stepmom.") People who un/consciously avoid using "step" terms and titles are usually (a) significantly wounded and unaware, and are (b) ashamed, guilty, and/or anxious about stepfamily realities ("I confess I care more for my own child than my stepkids.") Co-parent Project 3 focuses on (a) accepting your stepfamily identity and (b) all members agreeing on who belongs to your stepfamily. Project 4 is about forming realistic stepfamily expectations. Projects 1-7 of 12 are best done before deciding to re/wed! more detail / guidebook / worksheet / close |
About