|
Adults and kids who are "very controlling" are often dominated by a well-meaning personality subself whose goal is to use or manipulate other people into doing what s/he wants. This Controller subself believes that persuading or forcing others is the best way to protect one or more vulnerable Inner Kids from feeling overwhelmed, scorned, rejected, terrified, or exposed. The Controller (or Manipulator) usually fo-cuses on filling immediate surface needs. S/He distrusts the resident true Self and other Regular subselves to guard or soothe the young ones, and sees no alternative to being aggressive, sly, indirect, and/or threatening to get other people to act "right." The Controller usually evolves when a young child has to manipulate other dis-tracted or unempathic family members and competitive peers to get her or his needs met. The Controller may work closely with other Guardians like the Magician or Rationalizer; the Catastrophizer; the Judge, whose focus is finding fault with other people; and the Cynic / Doubter, who constantly remind the person that other people are too selfish and unreliable, so controlling others is necessary despite their pro-tests. The Controller may also team up with an aggressive Competitor subself, who views all other people as opponents to be defeated ("Winning is everything!") and/or the Narcissist / Egotist ("My needs are more important than yours.") Project 1 in this site provides an effective way to free a disabled true Self (capital "S") to (a) protect the Inner Kids; (b) invite over-focused subselves like the Controller to work as teammates toward common goals under the Self's far-seeing guidance; and to (c) reassign this subself to a more useful personality role. When this happens, "controlling behavior" shifts into respectful (=/=) assertion and cooperation over time! detail / slides / Project-1 guidebook & links / skeptical? / Q&A / close |
About the