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Have you known someone who was notably "rebellious" in their relation-ships and/or roles? Some adults and kids can be dominated by an Inner Child or Guardian personality subself who tries to help them by covertly or defiantly "breaking the rules" (shoulds / musts / have to's / ought to's) - despite painful consequences. This well-meaning subself's key goals may be (1) to protect or assert a sense of identity in the face of a controlling, neglectful, and/or shaming envir-onment; (2) to "punish" or "pay back" someone who is disrespectful, and feel potent; (3) to feel personally powerful or superior to offset another subself's feeling weak, worthless, and inferior, and/or (4) to create excitement to distract from relentless inner pain. Where true, punishing and/or lecturing such a tor-mented person will rarely reduce their defiance, and often increases it. Options for reacting to an overly "rebellious" person are (1) compassionately seeing them as wounded and controlled by a false self; (2) clarifying your primary needs, and asserting respectful boundaries and consequences, vs. shaming, blaming, or ignoring the "rebel;" 3) honest self-evaluation to see if your attitudes or behavior are promoting the "defiance" (e.g. disrespect and/or over-control); and (4) encouraging the "rebel" to learn about harmonizing their personality subselves under the wise guidance of their true Self, over time. Family Project 1 in this nonprofit site focuses on doing just that. If the "rebel" is a teen, you can see their "rebelliousness" as a normal, unconscious way s/he is trying out their exciting/scary new young-adult independence. This does not mean tolerating or excusing unacceptable behavior! detail / slides / Project-1 guidebook & links / skeptical? / Q&A / close |
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