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Do you know someone who often sees themselves as a helpless vic-tim or martyr? Such kids and adults see themselves as unfairly hurt, disre-garded, cheated, used, or discounted by others or "fate." Other people who choose to endure painful circumstances or relationships without complain-ing may be seen as martyrs or saints. Adults or kids who see themselves as victims or martyrs are often dom-inated by one or more personality subselves which seek to protect shamed, guilty, and other Inner Children against conflict, "failure" and overwhelm by avoiding assertion and risk-taking. The well-meaning Victim / Martyr / Lo-ser subself does this by persuading the host person that taking responsi-bility for identifying and asserting her or his needs and boundaries is "wrong," "unfair," "bad," "dangerous," or "impossible." Often this diligent Guardian subself is aided by the Catastrophizer ("If you try to resist, you'll die!), the Cynic / Doubter ("No way you can improve things!"), and/or the Magician ["You know things aren't so bad - think of homeless people, addicts, and orphans (and just endure)."] There may be a related Whiner subself who endlessly complains about how bad things are. A strong clue that someone is ruled by a Victim / Martyr subself is when they endure the common dynamic of relationship triangles. Project 1 in this nonprofit Web site helps wounded people harmonize their subselves under the expert leadership of their resident true Self and other Regular sub-selves. When this happens, chronic feelings of being a victim or martyr sig-nificantly recede, and healthy self-care and assertions increase. more detail / slides / Project-1 guidebook and links / Q&A / close |
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