![Break the inherited [wounds + unawareness] cycle!](../art/hdr-cycle.gif) |
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toward high-nurturance family relationships |
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Three
Ways
to
Prevent
Family Stress and Divorce
p. 1 of 4
By Peter K.
Gerlach,
MSW |
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/prevent/intro.htm
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This and related articles include links to informational popups, so please
turn off your browser's popup blocker
or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.
Before reading further, I
invite you to experience this non-commercial 3"
inspiration about you.
This nonprofit educational Web site is based on my learnings from
(a) a wide range of veteran human-service professionals, and
(b) my experience as a professional therapist with members
of well over 1,000 average Midwestern-U.S. families since 1981. This
Web
site exists to...
-
help people understand,
identify, and
reduce their psychological
and...
-
protect their descendents
from the toxic pervasive [wounds + ignorance]
and...
-
promote
relationships and families, and reduce our unremarked
national divorce epidemic
and its tragic effects.
The site originally focused on
helping people co-create satisfying, healthy stepfamily
relationships. It is broadening now to include members of any family - like yours.
Pause and think of people you care about who have
significant "problems" (unmet needs). If you could
help them learn how to fill their
needs more effectively, would you do so?
|
This article suggests three practical steps that any motivated person can take to
significantly reduce
stress and the risk of psychological and legal
in their families, communities, region, and
nation. The steps are: |
-
Learn basic concepts
about personalities, families, communication, and
grieving;
-
apply what you learn to
yourself, your family, and other key relationships. Then...
-
alert other people to what
you've learned, and respectfully encourage them to learn
and act for their and their descendents' sakes.
Other articles
in this prevention series suggest specific ways
human-service professionals can also use these steps with
clients, patients, and co-workers to help prevent family
stress and divorce. Let's look briefly at
each step, and answer some questions they may raise for you...
Prevention Step 1) Learn Key Concepts
Test your awareness of basic family knowledge with this
self-assessment quiz.
Imagine all the members of your family in a group as you
consider these premises and steps:
Families like yours have existed in every age and culture
because they are better able to fill their members'
than other human groups.
To nurture
means "to fill someone's needs." Some people can
nurture more effectively than others, so, any family - like
yours - may be judged to be somewhere between "very low
nurturance" and "very high nurturance." Where would you rank
your childhood family on this scale? Your present family? To
answer these, you need to know what "high-nurturance"
means.
Children raised in a
high-nurturance environment have the best chance of
(a) thriving as indepen-dent young adults, (b) choosing
partners and creating high-nurturance families of their own,
and (c) living up to their maximum personal
Research on the
effects of child abuse and neglect and on
kids
raised in "risky" (low-nurturance) families supports
this premise.
Healthy parents want these priceless gifts for themselves
and their kids - and few can achieve them, because
they were never taught about...
-
the toxic
+
cycle that spreads silently down the generations, and...
-
the cycle's common
and how to avoid or reduce them,
-
how to be aware of
and
they live and work with,
-
basic information on
effective
and
and...
-
how and when to make wise
long-range child-conception or adoption
choices.
Reality check:
were you ever taught
these things? Were your parents? Are you teaching
your kids about them? Paradox - most "well educated," mature
lay and professional adults don't know what they don't know
about these topics so they assume "I know enough." They
probably don't.
|
For your and your family's sake, get
undistracted, and
(a) read
this overview
article. Then (b) study four slide
presentations on the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle,
effective
communication and
problem-solving,
and healthy
grief. If you
and/or people you care about are in a
family or
study
all the slide presentations with an open
mind.
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
|
Option
- test your knowledge level now with this
checklist and these
Now do you think you (and most other adults) were
taught "enough" about these vital topics? Do you think your
kids are getting thorough training in these topics and how
to apply them in their lives?
Prevention Step 2) Apply Your New Knowledge
If you studied the linked resources above with an open mind
and no distractions, you may wonder...
-
Is a
running my life? My current and (any) ex mate's lives?
Are our kids developing "false self" wounds? If so, what
should we do?
-
What's the nurturance level
of our family (low to high)? Of my workplace? My
religious community?
-
From 1 (never effective) to
5 (always effective), how effective am I at (a)
and (b)
and
If I could I be significantly more effective, how would
that affect my life and relationships?
-
What are my personal and
family policies on
anger and
Is anyone I care about (starting with
me)
in grieving major
(broken bonds)? If so, what should I do?
-
Have I and my
partner/s been passing on the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle to our dependents?
-
Who would benefit from
knowing what I now know about the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle and its effects?
-
(other questions...)
Let's explore brief answers to each of these now. Links lead
to more detail. Note your option to print a copy of
any of these articles
&
and give it to others you care about.
Is a "false
self" running my life? My partner's life?
Are our kids developing "false-self"
Begin to answer these by reading this overview of what it
usually means to
endure significant false-self wounds. Then evolve
answers to these two questions by studying these resources
and discussing them with important others.
-
this slide presentation on
the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle (unless
you already have),
-
this perspective on normal
human personalities
(like yours),
-
these common questions and
answers about personality
subselves,
-
this
Q&A article on
psychological wounding and recovery,
-
this real-life family
example of subselves and
unawareness in action, and...
-
this
overview of Project 1
(inner-wound assessment and recovery).
Now - get undistracted, and patiently use this
comparison and these 12
symptom-checklists
to assess whether you have significant false-self wounds
or not. Significant
means "causing me and others too much discomfort too often."
The 12 assessment checklists offer a way of offsetting
normal protective subselves trying to deny or minimize
evidence of significant false-self wounds.
Next, use the same tools to assess your
current mate, ex mate
(if any), and/or other
significant adults (e.g. parents, grandparents,
siblings, co-workers...), and/or minor or grown
kids in your life. If
you think any of them are "significantly wounded," follow
the links in the articles.
Reluctance to study and discuss these resources with an open
mind - and justifying that (e.g. "I have more important
things to do.") - may indicate a protective false self is
controlling you. For a quick reality check, consider
If any of us
are ruled by a false self too often, what should I (we)
do?
Your main options are (a) evolve and implement and/or
promote an effective recovery plan; (b) postpone doing this
until "later," or (c) rationalize taking no responsible
action. The last two
options are sure evidence you are dominated by a
well-meaning false self. Note what they imply about
your ruling subselves' main priorities...
Read
and discuss these articles on "Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs)"
&
and what false-self wounds
usually mean
&.
Then...
Read, discuss, and apply this
slide presentation
and/or this series of
articles
on wound-recovery. Note that the Project-1 guidebook
Who's
Really Running Your Life? (by Peter
Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.) is devoted to
wound explanation, assessment, and recovery. Then...
Expand
your knowledge and options by studying and applying any
of these
related books.
What's the
nurturance-level of our home and/or family? Of my
workplace? My religious community?
Use
this worksheet
&
to answer the first question, and
this one
&
to gain perspective on the last two questions. Before true
wound-recovery progress, typical people ruled by
unconsciously...
-
(a) pick other GWCs for
partners - repeatedly - and often
psychologically or legally; or (b) choose a series of
relationships, or (c) avoid primary relationships
altogether;
-
unconsciously recreate their
low-nurturance childhood families, and...
-
repeatedly choose
low-nurturance social, religious, and work environments,
despite resulting stresses.
Once aware of this and their
true Self is
GWCs can improve all
three of these over time!
Use these Project-1
resources
and/or the guidebook above to learn more detail,
options, and resources on the three questions above.
How effective am
I
at (a)
and (b)
and
Follow the links above, and use this
article for perspective
on the first question. Option - ask people who know
you to give you honest
feedback. The best
feedback will come from people (a)
their
who (b) know what "clear (vs. fuzzy, vague, or unfocused)
thinking" is, and (c) are often
of what's going on inside and around them. (Does this
describe you
yet?)
To gain clarity on the second question...
-
adopt an attitude of
curiosity, get undistracted, and take this
communication-basics
quiz
&;
-
review this
communication-basics
slide presentation if you
haven't recently - or study this equivalent
article
&;
-
review this
checklist
&
of common communication blocks for unconscious toxic
habits;
-
enjoy inventorying your
communication
strengths
&
(bragging is good here!);
-
review this problem-solving
slide presentation and
checklist
&;
and...
-
see if you and/or important
others use any of these common
to win-win-problem-solving "too much."
For more perspective, (a) read these examples of
lose-lose
&
and win-win
communication and (b) ask others who know you for
constructive feedback on your communication
and effectiveness.
If you're not as clear-thinking and effective as you would
like to be, then
-
adapt a patient, long-range
outlook (e.g. the next 25 years), and imagine cutting
the frustration and stress in your life (raising the
satisfaction and serenity) by at least half (!),
-
commit to
patiently
studying, discussing, and applying these
Project 2 articles,
skill-practices, and resources; and...
-
notice what happens - i.e.
enjoy steadily getting more of your
met more often!
Does a dedicated
try to dismiss this outcome now?
Note -
your
true Self
(capital "S") must usually
your personality to earn these benefits.
Option: Invest in the Project-2 guidebook
Satisfactions, by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
(Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates the key Web materials
here, and provides many
practical tools and resources to improve your and your kids'
communication effectiveness.
Recall -
we're reviewing basic options you have for applying some
vital new stress-prevention knowledge to yourself and
your family and key relationships. Do you need a stretch
break before finishing this? Refresh your mental image of
the people you most care about, and wonder...
Continue
stress-prevention step 2...
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