![Break the inherited [wounds + unawareness] cycle!](../art/hdr-cycle.gif) |
|
toward high-nurturance family relationships |
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Three
Ways
to
Prevent
Family Stress and Divorce
p. 1 of 4
By Peter K.
Gerlach,
MSW |
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/prevent/intro.htm
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or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.
Before reading further, I
invite you to experience this non-commercial 3"
inspiration about you.
This nonprofit educational Web site is based on my learnings from
(a) a wide range of veteran human-service professionals, and
(b) my experience as a professional therapist with members
of well over 1,000 average Midwestern-U.S. families since 1981. This
Web
site exists to...
-
help people understand,
identify, and
reduce their psychological
and...
-
protect their descendents
from the toxic pervasive [wounds + ignorance]
and...
-
promote
relationships and families, and reduce our unremarked
national divorce epidemic
and its tragic effects.
The site originally focused on
helping people co-create satisfying, healthy stepfamily
relationships. It has broadened to include members of any family - like yours.
Pause and think of people you care about who have
significant "problems" (unmet needs). If you could
help them learn how to fill their
needs more effectively, would you do so?
|
This article suggests three practical steps that any motivated person can take to
significantly reduce
stress and the risk of psychological and legal
in their families, communities, region, and
nation. The steps are: |
-
Learn basic concepts
about personalities, families, communication, and
grieving;
-
apply what you learn to
yourself, your family, and other key relationships. Then...
-
alert other people to what
you've learned, and respectfully encourage them to learn
and act for their and their descendents' sakes.
Other articles
in this prevention series suggest specific ways
human-service professionals can also use these steps with
clients, patients, and co-workers to help prevent family
stress and divorce. Let's look briefly at
each step, and answer some questions they may raise for you...
Prevention Step 1) Learn Key Concepts
Test your awareness of basic family knowledge with this
self-assessment
quiz.
Imagine all the members of your family in a group as you consider these
premises and steps:
Families like yours have existed in every age and culture
because they are better able to fill their members'
than other human groups.
To nurture
means "to fill someone's needs." Some
people can nurture more effectively than others, so, any family - like yours - may be judged to be
somewhere between "very low nurturance" and "very high nurturance."
Where would you rank your childhood family on this scale?
Your present family? To answer these, you need to know what
"high-nurturance" means.
Children raised in a
high-nurturance environment have the best chance of
(a) thriving as independent young adults, (b) choosing
partners and creating
high-nurturance families of their own, and (c) living up to their
maximum personal
Healthy parents want these priceless gifts for themselves
and their kids - and few can achieve them, because they were
never taught about...
-
the toxic
+
cycle that
spreads silently down the
generations, and...
-
the cycle's common
and how to avoid or reduce them, and...
-
how to be aware of
and
they live and work with, and...
-
basic information on
effective
and
Reality check:
were you ever taught
these things? Were your parents? Are you teaching
your kids about them? Paradox - most "well educated," mature
lay and professional adults don't know what they don't know
about these topics so they assume "I know enough." They
probably don't.
|
For your
and your family's sake, get undistracted, and
(a) read this
overview article.
Then (b) study four slide presentations on
the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle, effective
communication and
problem-solving, and healthy
grief. If you and/or people you care about are in a
family or
study
all the slide presentations with an open mind.
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
|
Option
- test your knowledge level now with this
checklist and these
Now do you think you (and most other adults) were
taught "enough" about these vital topics? Do you think your
kids are getting thorough training in these topics and how
to apply them in their lives?
Prevention Step 2) Apply Your New Knowledge
If you studied the
linked resources above with an open mind and no distractions, you
may wonder...
-
Is a
running my life? My current and (any) ex mate's lives? Are our kids developing "false self" wounds? If
so, what should we do?
-
What's the nurturance level
of our family (low to high)? Of my workplace? My religious community?
-
From 1 (never effective) to
5 (always effective),
how effective am I at (a)
and (b)
and
If I could I be
significantly more effective, how would that affect my
life and relationships?
-
What are my personal and
family policies on
anger and
Is anyone I care about (starting with
me)
in
grieving major
(broken bonds)? If so, what should
I do?
-
Have I and my
partner/s been passing on the [wounds + unawareness]
cycle to our dependents?
-
Who would
benefit from knowing what I now know about the [wounds +
ignorance] cycle and its effects?
-
(other questions...)
Let's explore brief answers to each of these now. Links lead
to more detail. Note your option to print a copy of
any of these articles
&
and give it to others you care about.
Is a "false self"
running my life? My partner's life? Are our kids
developing "false-self"
Begin to answer these by reading this overview of what it
usually means to
endure significant false-self wounds. Then evolve
answers to these two questions by studying these resources
and discussing them with
important others.
-
this slide presentation on
the [wounds + ignorance]
cycle (unless you
already have),
-
this perspective on normal
human personalities
(like yours),
-
these common questions and answers
about personality subselves,
-
this
Q&A article on
psychological wounding
and recovery,
-
this real-life family
example of subselves and
unawareness in action, and...
-
this
overview of Project
1 (inner-wound assessment and recovery).
Now - get undistracted, and patiently use this
comparison and these 12
symptom-checklists
to assess whether you have
significant false-self wounds or not. Significant
means "causing me and others too much discomfort too often."
The 12 assessment checklists offer a way of offsetting
normal protective subselves trying to deny or minimize
evidence of significant false-self wounds.
Next, use the same tools
to assess your current
mate, ex mate
(if any), and/or other significant adults (e.g.
parents, grandparents,
siblings, co-workers...), and/or minor or grown
kids in
your life. If you think any of them are "significantly wounded," follow the links
in the articles.
Reluctance to study and discuss these resources with an open
mind - and justifying that (e.g. "I have more important
things to do.") - may indicate a protective false self is
controlling you. For a quick reality check, consider
If any of us are
ruled by a false self too often, what should I
(we) do?
Your main options are (a) evolve and implement and/or
promote an effective recovery plan; (b) postpone doing this
until "later," or (c) rationalize taking no responsible
action. The last two
options are sure evidence you are dominated by a
well-meaning false self. Note what they imply about
your ruling subselves' main priorities...
Read
and discuss these articles on "Grown
Wounded Children (GWCs)"
&
and what false-self wounds
usually mean
&.
Then...
Read, discuss, and apply
this slide presentation
and/or this series of articles
on wound-recovery. Note that the Project-1 guidebook
Who's
Really Running Your Life? (by Peter
Gerlach, MSW; Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.) is devoted to
wound explanation, assessment, and recovery. Then...
Expand
your knowledge and options by studying and applying any
of these related books.
What's the
nurturance-level of our home and/or family? Of my workplace?
My religious community?
Use
this worksheet
& to answer
the first question, and
this one
& to gain
perspective on the last two questions. Before true wound-recovery
progress, typical people ruled by
unconsciously...
-
(a) pick other GWCs for
partners - repeatedly - and often
psychologically or
legally; or (b) choose a series of
relationships, or (c) avoid primary relationships
altogether;
-
unconsciously recreate
their low-nurturance childhood families, and...
-
repeatedly choose
low-nurturance social, religious, and work environments, despite
resulting stresses.
Once aware of this and
their true Self is
GWCs can improve
all three of these over time!
Use these Project-1 resources
and/or the guidebook above to learn more detail, options, and resources on the three
questions above.
How effective am I
at (a)
and (b)
and
Follow the links above, and use this
article for
perspective on the first question. Option - ask people who
know you to give you honest
feedback. The best
feedback will come from people (a)
their
who (b) know what "clear (vs. fuzzy, vague, or
unfocused) thinking" is, and (c) are often
of
what's going on inside and around them. (Does this describe you
yet?)
To gain clarity on the
second question...
-
adopt an attitude of
curiosity, get undistracted, and take this
communication-basics
quiz
&;
-
review this
communication-basics
slide presentation if you haven't recently
- or study this equivalent article
&;
-
review this
checklist
& of common
communication blocks for unconscious toxic habits;
-
enjoy inventorying
your communication
strengths
&
(bragging is good here!);
-
review this
problem-solving
slide
presentation and
checklist
&; and...
-
see if you and/or important
others use any of these common
to win-win-problem-solving "too much."
For more perspective, (a)
read these examples of
lose-lose
&
and win-win
communication and
(b) ask others who know you for constructive feedback on
your communication
and effectiveness.
If
you're not as clear-thinking and effective as you would
like to be, then
-
adapt a patient, long-range
outlook (e.g. the next 25 years), and imagine cutting
the frustration and stress in your life (raising the
satisfaction and serenity) by at least half (!),
-
commit to
patiently
studying, discussing, and applying these
Project
2 articles, skill-practices, and resources;
and...
-
notice what happens - i.e. enjoy steadily
getting more of your
met
more often!
Does a dedicated
try to dismiss this outcome now?
Note - your
true Self (capital "S") must usually
your personality to earn these benefits.
Option: Invest
in the Project-2 guidebook
Satisfactions, by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
(Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates the key Web materials
here, and provides many practical tools and resources to
improve your and your kids' communication effectiveness.
Recall - we're reviewing basic options you have for applying
some vital new stress-prevention knowledge to yourself and your family and key
relationships. Do you need a stretch break before finishing
this? Refresh your mental image of the people you most care
about, and wonder...
What are my personal
and family policies on
feeling and expressing
anger and healthy
grief? Is anyone I care about (starting with me)
in
grieving major
(broken bonds)? If so, what
should I do? Option - print, pass on, and discuss
copies of any linked article or worksheet.
-
Follow the links above, and
notice your thoughts and feelings;
-
(a) Read this
research reprint, (b) take this
quiz honestly, and
(c) review this "good grief"
slide presentation.
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
-
For context, read this
article on interpersonal
bonding,
and this perspective on
losses (broken bonds). Then review this
worksheet on common intangible ("invisible") losses,
and note your reactions;
-
Generalize this article on "depression"
to fit any relevant person/s. Then...
-
Clarify your current grief
policies by reading and discussing...
If you feel your or your
family's grief policies inhibit healthy mourning, work
to...
-
your Self
of your personality,
-
practice
daily awareness of
and
-
upgrade your own
(personal) anger and grief attitudes and values as
appropriate,
-
inform other family
members of what you're learning here, and invite
them to study and discuss these articles and
this slide presentation.
Then ask them to...
-
evolve
policies personally and in your home and family.
-
Option - use these
ideas to identify what the specific anger and grief policies were in your
childhood family. Then identify specifically how
each policy has
affected you and any siblings and children.
-
Use this
symptom checklist
&
to
help decide whether anyone you care about is
blocked in grieving,
starting with you.
Ask informed, trustworthy people for objective feedback on
this.
-
For more perspective on
healthy three-level grieving and your family, read
this
& .
-
Option - re-take this
quiz
on bonding, losses, and healthy-grieving basics to (a)
affirm what you've learned and (b) refresh your
perspective on what most other people don't know about
this vital topic.
-
If you feel you or someone
else is significantly
in grieving their losses (broken bonds),
learn, discuss, and
select among the options in
Project 5. Options include finding and using a
qualified grief counselor or therapist. Ideally,
s/he will be open to learning (a) how false-self wounds
and (b) ignorance inhibit healthy
three-level grieving, and (c) what to
do about
each of those.
Who else would benefit from knowing what I now know
about the [wounds + ignorance] cycle and its effects?
You'll learn how to answer this
on the next page in step 3. You can do great good
for many people if you alert them to what you and your
family are learning about nurturance levels, subselves,
false-self wound impacts and recovery, and effective
communication, grieving, and effective parenting!
Resource - to further help you apply these vital concepts to your own life, use this
link-index of the many
worksheets, quizzes, and checklists in this nonprofit site.
+ + +
Continue
with stress-prevention step 3...
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